Did anyone's BPDex have seemingly normal relationships with family and friends?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This part always confused me. Mine seemed to have good long-term friendships and good relationships with his family, much closer than I have with my own. He would get into stupid arguments or give the silent treatment from time to time (immature for a 39 year old, yes) but generally seemed close to them and very caring. I have read this is possible with high functionin BPDs that they really only act out in intimate relationships, or at least worst in relationships. Did anyone else experience this with their ex?

One time after a particularly amazing weekend with him... .he was charming and charismatic and I swear everyone around us fell in love with him... .He said to me, it must bother you when we are out and everyone loves me and then we go home and you see the real me. I was SHOCKED that he had the self-awareness to see why it would bother me... .Sad to think about.

[Aw511]

This part always confused me. Mine seemed to have good long-term friendships and good relationships with his family, much closer than I have with my own. He would get into stupid arguments or give the silent treatment from time to time (immature for a 39 year old, yes) but generally seemed close to them and very caring. I have read this is possible with high functionin BPDs that they really only act out in intimate relationships, or at least worst in relationships. Did anyone else experience this with their ex?

One time after a particularly amazing weekend with him... .he was charming and charismatic and I swear everyone around us fell in love with him... .He said to me, it must bother you when we are out and everyone loves me and then we go home and you see the real me. I was SHOCKED that he had the self-awareness to see why it would bother me... .Sad to think about.

[Johan]

My ex had issues with her family, but ended up through therpay getting along with them.

She did tell me 2 months before breaking up (My father says I am just like my mother)

I found that unusual... but she had also claimed her mother was a bhit and would demand to know when any visitors were in the house... .when I was there before and she did not know I heard her giving out and when I there, it was so charming and very fake... .go figure.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine got along well with her mother and sister who were her biggest enablers but I noticed she only had one real friend in state (who she seemed to ignore while immersed in a relationship). All her "friends" were exes or Facebook buddies from years ago. 

[santa]

Mine has issues with her family. They're all terrible to each other and have all kinds of problems... .but then, at the drop of a hat, she'll decide they're all the greatest people on Earth and she acts like they're the only people she cares about and the only people that care about her. It's really confusing. The whole dynamic, along with her being BPD, makes me wonder if she was sexually abused as a child. She's never said anything about it and it never crossed my mind until recently, so probably not. You never know though.

[Perfidy]

Oh hail no. She hated her mother. Hated her sister. Told me her father beat her up. No friends. Loser. The whole family... .No love in that house. Always at each others throats. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. She used to have these crises episodes and yell at me... ."THIS IS MY MOTHER!" ... .That frontal lobotomy still sounds good right now.

[Ironmanrises]

BPD is a disorder of intimacy/emotional closeness. Usually the person closest to the pwBPD will feel the full unleashing of hell then the next closest targets which are family/kids and then close friends. Correct me if I am wrong. As you can see from the accounts on here, it is almost always written from a bf/gf husband/wife of BPD sufferer. The people next closest to them will see glimpses of the Janus-faced entity. Not enough though to piece together what is really happening and usually come to the conclusion that the person is "off" or moody and nothing more. It is why they are able to have those normal relationships with them. They are not getting triggered from them like they do from us.

[maxen]

This part always confused me. Mine seemed to have good long-term friendships and good relationships with his family, much closer than I have with my own. He would get into stupid arguments or give the silent treatment from time to time (immature for a 39 year old, yes) but generally seemed close to them and very caring. I have read this is possible with high functionin BPDs that they really only act out in intimate relationships, or at least worst in relationships. Did anyone else experience this with their ex?

yes. my w's family all love each other unconditionally, which is nice, though i think that's part of the problem: they always have an excuse for each other, which is perhaps why two of the three children are now adulterers, and the other parties (one of whom is me) are to blame. my w has now started relationships behind the backs of four of her partners and bolted, instead of dealing honestly. her mother is very immature and very queenish and also has a cavalier attitude towards honesty, and her father is an abdicator in thrall to her. my w is an alcohol abuser and nobody utters a peep. no member of her family is ever wrong or responsible. so she has excellent relationships with her family, but i don't know how morally healthy the family is. when she left me they cut off contact with me immediately. two of my family tried to reach out to her and she was the unfaithful one but hers cut me off like a limb.

also, she has retained friends from every phase of her life, from childhood until the present, a thing i have failed at, so that's one in her column. but i saw her treatment of an earlier boyfriend, and we were married for 7 years, and it was horrible, demeaning stuff. mine really is a case of triggering with intimacy.

[BlushAndBashful]

It depends how you define "normal".

I would say, for the most part, my HF dBPDex had close r/s with family and friends. From the outside, they all looked great. I can't exactly say they were healthy or normal, but they were very tight and seemed stable. I actually was surprised when I found this forum and discovered there was a whole slugload of people with BPD parents who didn't have a great relationship with them. (Yeah, I know... .sorry... .).

My ex was extremely close with his adult children, to the point where there was a ton of emotional incest going on. It was the four of them versus everyone else in the world. His children could do no wrong and he put them all on a pedestal. His friends were life-long. His guy friendships seemed pretty normal, his friendships with women got a bit smothering and creepy IMHO (do you really need to call your close friend three times a day?). The only "friendship" that was unstable was with a woman who drifted from friend to enemy to BFF to FWB to girlfriend to enemy to... .you get the picture. But they are still together after 15 years.

It seemed like the only truly volatile r/s he had was with me (and, from piecing together the pieces, his other wives).

[redkong]

Very interesting question.  My ex uBPDgf had good relationships with anyone who didn't piss her off.  She was frequently angry with or disappointed by her family members - they never met her expectations, but from what I could tell, she never shared those expectations with them, they were just supposed to "know" somehow.  Then, suddenly, she would love them to death.

With work colleagues my ex had pretty good r/s' s but she was on her best behavior with them.

Almost everyone else disappointed or angered my ex.  She was angry a lot - one of the biggest red flags for me early on.  I figured it was only a matter of time before she'd be angry and/or disappointed with me.  I was right.

[MrFox]

My exBPDgf cycled through friends pretty quickly.  They just kind of disappeared after a while, I never knew why.  As far as her family goes, she cycled between them being awful or being wonderful.  Her sister (the only family member I ever met) was usually the target of this. 

[DragoN]

He said to me, it must bother you when we are out and everyone loves me and then we go home and you see the real me. I was SHOCKED that he had the self-awareness to see why it would bother me... .Sad to think about.

My exH was not ever at that level of awareness at any time.

His mother was BP, drove him batty to deal with her. His father was his idol. He had one long term friend and that was it. Saw each other once a year if lucky, but he passed away recently.

[eternalbloom]

My uBPDexbf has close relationships with his siblings... .no guy friends just women friends some of them friends with benefits. At the onset of our relationship I was so bothered his families closeness... .incest did come to mind. One day his sister sat down and placed her feet in his lap and said B takes care of me. She smiled at me like we were in competition. He was obviously uncomfortable and embarrassed. Later he'd swat at her when she tried to get close but as soon as we settle in the relationship he'd thwart her weird behavior and get mad at me and say, because of you my sister doesn't feel comfortable. Shed wear next to nothing in our presence... .booty shorts bra tops... .and say it was hot. I would never wear anything with my middrif or bottom hanging out around my brother let alone another person I didn't know. I almost forgot about this stuff... .this was only 2 years ago. Gosh my mind has taken a beating... .But yea  It was gross how close they were... .and I wish I left then. They all enable each other and have few boundaries as a family. He and his siblings watched their parents battle with a crack addiction throughout their childhood so their reason for closeness is that they only had each other. They all drink and smoked marijuana when I went to visit his family home. I had never seen people interact like that with their parents. It was barbaric. I didn't realize that was protocol but by that time I as pregnant and felt like it was a package deal from the gate... but being one of 9 children myself all this closeness was too close for my comfort thats just not normal behavior... .The family basically hates me now. Each time I kick out my ex they tell him I do not love or care for him. I guess they want me to continue not to value myself. They are mad at me for calling the police on him when things got physical during my pregnancy which resulted in a domestic battery charge against him... .an argument that went arry when I found out he cheated on me. They'd rather I take a beat down than get him trouble. I know he lies about his treatment here... Thanksgiving he tormented me for days until i had to call the police again to remove him. Upon his return he broke his hand on my dresser out of anger then attacked me in the bed pressing both his hands into my temple and jaw area only inches away from our sleeping baby. I didnt call the cops that night  scared that he would go to jail instead I kicked him out for what lasted a week before he weaseled his way back in. He told them a version of the story and they deleted me on facebook. He blamed me for his fall from grace reading the bible everyday... .yea right something he said to win me over and they felt sorry for him and for me turning his brain to mush. I think this man could beat me into a coma and they would still find fault with me. Any of his girlfriends and he has a lot all think hes a charming nice guy in need of love and support. I am pretty sure he tells them that I am some callous mean woman because they affirm their position in his life as his supportive friend... a man that has a woman hes been with for 3 years doesn't need all this support and empathy from all these girls. Each time I have said... .yea well why dont I know who you are and they take a step back. Hes manipulating all of us. For years he downplayed the things he did to me and acted like they were normal. They became tolerable somewhat I guess over time but I longed for him to know what he did was wrong and for everyone in his family to know the truth about him. I even wondered if he will be lucky in love and find someone else who hell ride off into the sunset with and I will forever go down in history as the bhit who deserved the ill treatment. Then I remember his ex moved out suddenly breaking off their relationship and didn't keep contact with him for a few years. When he was mad at me he'd try to sweet talk her and act like I didn't exist. It was obvious he was acting up with her and he broke down overtime. I wish I would have had that insight then and left. I wish I didn't care that he pretends to be a good guy when hes the worst person I have ever met in my life.

[damage control]

No

He has one male friend only who he is in contact with maybe a few times a year and that is it.

He has a bad relationship with his (extremely narc) mother and avoidant/PA father and has no ex's he keeps in contact with that I am aware of - in fact he told me that all his ex's hate him (probably due to cheating but not sure).

He has to be in touch with the ex before me because she is his boss but that isn't productive either ... .which leaves only me ... .so, no. No friends, no family... just a parade of women he has traded for other women ... people of the moment.

[MrFox]

I forgot to mention that my exBPDgf "doesn't get along with women" and "get's along better with guys because other women are jealous of her".  Those two statements should have been red flags.  Women don't like her because they see through her crap, she gets along with men because she is constantly flirting with them and feeding their egos.  I fell for it as well.

[LilMissSunshine]

Mine has no relationship with his family at all.  Shortly before his dad passed I convinced him to make peace and re-establish his relationship with him.  He did and seemed to be happy about it.  His mom ended up in assisted living and I suggested he do the same with her.  However, for years all I've heard about is how much he couldn't stand his mother.  He told me they never bonded (no breast feeding) and during his early years she merely used him as her therapist.  He hates his only sister.  Resents his parents for making him share a room with her through high school (pretty weird).  His extended family never invites him to anything and 2 of his 4 children do not speak to him.  He hates his x wife.  Always talks about their unresolved issues, but she won't talk to him at all.  He has absolutely no male friends.  I suggested he try to reestablish some relationships and he actually arraigned to meet up with a former friend.  However after meeting his friends new wife, decided she was a hit_, and lost interest in his friend.  He has 3 female friends on FB (yup, thats it).  Two are former gf's and  the third has been chasing him for years.  He makes sure to occasionally touch base with other woman (happy birthday type things, etc.) who chase him, although he has no interest in them.  His one and only friend is a former girlfriend who still  has feelings for him.  She is an alcoholic and receives government assistance (disability) for a mental illness.  I believe they are co dependent and co enablers.

He tried (and somewhat succeeded) in alienating me from my family and friends, picking each person apart and claiming they were mentally ill.  Not one good thing to say about anyone in my life.

In other words, he thinks he is completely normal; the rest of the entire world is hit_ up.

[goldylamont]

it was probably 6 or 8 months before i met my xBPDgf family. from her description i had the idea in my head that they were lower middle class and that her mother was kind of mean. i mean she liked her family but sounded disappointed to some degree.

the first time i went to her parent's home where she grew up--they were very warm and welcoming. swimming pool, tennis court and a field out back where they used to keep horses for the kids to ride when they were younger. beautiful home, great family for all i could tell. i was kind of shocked.

my ex's mom remarried when the ex was about 4 or 5 yrs old i think. so my ex and her sister were the first two children from a different father, who as i understand it was (still is) an alcoholic and was abusive to their mother. after remarrying the mom had 2 more sons. these guys were completely nice, a bit nerdy, super smart both getting master's degrees in engineering/psychology type fields. her older sister was always sweet to me as was her husband. uncles, aunts, everybody was great. i know something must have been wrong though but can't figure out who it was. who i miss the most was her grandmother, i really loved that woman even only after visiting her a few times--she was funny as hell and took me in like i was her own.

my ex seems to blame her mom for a lot of things. my guess is that her mom gets the brunt of the BPD treatment. after we broke up and my ex ended a 4 mo r/s she jumped straight into, she kept saying over and over how she was mad at her mom because her mom didn't console her about the breakup, but was overly concerned because her brother had also broken up. she felt her mom showed him more love. i bit my tongue, but i wanted to scream out "IT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOM KNOWS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT LOSER WAS FAKE YOU IDIOT".

i often worry that my ex told her family lies about me. in fact i'm sure she's skewed things just like she skewed my perception of them before meeting them. but even a full year after breaking up her family would wish me well on my bday (on facebook).

i know that after we broke up, several months later over thanksgiving my ex told me she was pissed at her mom after she made her mom cry. apparently her mom "was over in the corner crying like a little baby and then the whole family blamed me!" selfish nutbaggery

[Aw511]

The people next closest to them will see glimpses of the Janus-faced entity. Not enough though to piece together what is really happening and usually come to the conclusion that the person is "off" or moody and nothing more. It is why they are able to have those normal relationships with them. They are not getting triggered from them like they do from us.

I think this is accurate, at least in my case. When things started to fail and his mom could sense my growing frustration, she would quietly say things to me like "I know he can be tough to deal with sometimes (the moodiness, OH the moodiness), but he has the biggest heart." She wanted it to work with us so badly. Probably less to do with me and more due to the fact that her 40 year old son was now in his thousandth destined-to-fail relationship. It was really sad... .the whole family was so sweet and welcoming but all seemed to know from the beginning I wouldn't be around too long... .

[Tincup]

Mine was high functioning.  She had good relationships with her friends (most of which were coworkers) and she had good relationships with her kids (seemingly as I don't know what happened behind closed doors as I did not live with her).  She does not talk to her father (who she says was abusive).  Also she is VERY private, and very few people really "know" her at all.  The way she was with her friends was not they way she was with me.

But she knew she had anger issues.  She had gone to s therapist before I met her but said that they it didn't help her.  But she was a "normal" as could be to the outside world.

[Starlight607]

Interesting reading all these posts. Made me remember my red flags with my ex BPD bf. He has a brother who is up to his eyes in debt, extremely generous but unrealistic in his outlook on life. My ex gets angry with him, rubbishes him behind his back but if you give the slightest sign of criticism of his brother he would completely lose it with you. He has a poor relationship with his mother and this has not been helped by his previous marriage as his ex wife had a son from a previous relationship and he became the grandson his mum so badly wanted. With the divorce she lost him as the split was so acrimonious. After all my ex displays so many BPD traits she threw him out in the end. He idolises his father but I get the impression his father was away a lot and my ex went to boarding school at 9 anyway!

As for friends he has one male friend he sees from time to time but just moans about him all the time and then his ex girlfriend from years ago, his ex mistress from the last year of his marriage and the girl he cheated on with me on and off for 3 years! I always found this weird! He used to tell me how his female work colleagues fancied him. Even his previous boss apparently had an eye for him. He seems to behave perfectly at work. And my family and friends all saw a perfectly charming man. As did my two children to begin with until his behaviour encroached too much. So an interesting and far from healthy situation. I miss none of it! Best thing I did eventually was walk away. I am one ex along with his wife who he has not managed to stay attached to. However I admit it took far too long for me to say enough is enough!

Starlight607