Flippidy Do Da, Flippidy Ay

[LilMissSunshine]

New Years day I saw my X.  Yup, took a huge step backwards.  We talked about and agreed to go to couples counseling.  We decided to go for a “fresh start” in the new year.  We have many unresolved issues, discussed some of them, couldn’t agree on solutions and decided to wait for help via the counseling.  The following weekend we were together.  It was his birthday and I took him out for dinner and a show.  We had a wonderful time and I went home Monday morning.  Before noon time on Monday, it all started again.  Yes, I had been flipped black that quickly.  You see, we had both reactivated our match profiles some time ago.  Even though we hadn’t discussed it, when I got home that morning I decided to deactivate mine, which I hadn’t even been active on for almost a month.  I went online and saw that he had already deactivated his profile and I was flattered.  Phone rings, I get up to answer it then I take my dog outside so he can do his “business”.  Get back on my computer, do a refresh, and BOOM he is suddenly there.  He had just reactivated his account?  I imediately text him a screen shot and ask him what’s going on.  He replies:  “Took it down last week yours still up so put mind up this morning You had yours online all weekend while you were telling me you love me hit_”

I reply: “I completely forgot about it in all honesty until today when I was going to delete it n then saw you.  You should have talked to me about it instead of making this hit_hole move.  What were you trying to prove? Maybe punish me?  I took you out for your birthday, we decided to try therapy, cuz we BOTH decided we wanted to stay on the relationship. I stayed w You all weekend. A few hours after I leave your back on match? Okay then. I mean I don't know what else to say.  I guess once again I completely misinterpreted what WE DID n SAID to each other all weekend.  Sorry. Well, I hope you finally find what your looking for on match.com and I hope you had a good birthday. I had a nice weekend thanks n take care.”

Basically the texting continued with him saying he wasn’t in the mood for tension (really?)

I replied: “TENSION?  You caused it w yr silly stunt earlier. You did it on.purpose to hurt me and now that you have me hurt/upset your not in the mood for "tension"? What the heck?”

Bottom line, he accused me of causing the tension, along with all kinds of other things from our past.  Some true but mostly fabricated/twisted incidents.  Threatened me, called me all sorts of nasty names, ton’s of verbal abuse, gaslighting and projecting. Indicated that he changed his mind about couples counseling.   I finally ended it by telling him, the weekend was a mistake and I was blocking him, didn't want to hear from him anymore, and he could stop his attack now.

Yes, the weekend was a mistake.  He used me.  He lied to me.  The minute I left him he flipped me black, purposely created an issue, devalued me and discarded me, AGAIN.  No, I will not be seeing or speaking to him again.  

Did I handle this wrong?  :)id I cause the tension?  Was it not normal for me to be upset?  Was it normal for him to set me up like this then use the opportunity to gaslight, devalue and discard me?  Before I blocked him he indicated to me that his behavior was completely normal/justified and that he was disgusted because I didn't apologize.  He said it was all my fault because I didn't take down my profile (even though we hadn't discussed it or even knew if we were going to try and work things out yet) while I was with him all weekend?

[seeking balance]

I kinda think this goes on the undecided board - you might want the mods to move.

There were definite staying board tools that could have helped and leaving board is about detaching.  I don't get the sense you are leaving based on this post.  Are you leaving?  If he comes back, do you want to work it out?

[LilMissSunshine]

Right, I would have gone to the staying board if this had not had happened yesterday morning.  However, I realize now, that all along, he had no true desire to make our relationship work.  He simply put on a show this weekend than discarded me.  He's been doing this sort of thing for over 3 years now.  I've already completely blocked him and I do not want to work anything out with him anymore.  I've taken a few steps backwards but am completely refocused on detaching again.

I was just curious for a little feedback on what happened, that's all.  Thanks.

[seeking balance]

Thanks for clarifying, I wasn't sure you were totally done since it all seemed reactionary from you both.

I was just curious for a little feedback on what happened, that's all.  Thanks.

What happened?  The BPD dance.  Go to article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

pick a false belief - they all apply really.

But False Belief 10 sums it up the best for you... .

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away.

What is this all about?

Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.

Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

[LilMissSunshine]

Thank you SB.  I didn't get my hopes up to high but really thought he was changing his "tune".  Alas, it was just another recycle.  I re read the article you suggested and I completely understand now what happened, I just needed someone to remind me.  The recycle only lasted a couple days, so I'm okay and not as devastated as I was last time - the time I decided to detach and came to this board.

I was weak and relapsed, but I'm back on track again.

[seeking balance]

The recycle only lasted a couple days, so I'm okay and not as devastated as I was last time

that is good

I was weak and relapsed, but I'm back on track again.

so, next time you are weak (and there will be a next time, there always is until we "get it", what will you do differently?  I find it is good to prepare ourselves, kinda like athletes do, so that under pressure - it is easier to stick to our decisions.

[LilMissSunshine]

If he somehow is able to contact me again, the first thing I'm doing is coming here - to my BPD family.  I've read other threads where people did that and were helped by others; reminded of possible consequences to decisions they may make, were close to making a mistake but were "pulled" back to reality by people who care.  I've learned that I need help and support from others, that it is indeed very difficult to do this on my own. Next time I'll remember that "I'm not so special to him" after all. :'(

[seeking balance]

If he somehow is able to contact me again, the first thing I'm doing is coming here - to my BPD family.  I've read other threads where people did that and were helped by others; reminded of possible consequences to decisions they may make, were close to making a mistake but were "pulled" back to reality by people who care.  I've learned that I need help and support from others, that it is indeed very difficult to do this on my own.

good strategy   

Next time I'll remember that "I'm not so special to him" after all. :'(

Well, you were special in that moment, keep in mind your definition and ability are not the same as his.  Be good to you, you are worth it!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Since detaching is a process and not a onetime event just because you slip up and maybe even THINK for a little bit you want to get back doesn't mean you belong on the staying board. What you described IS part of detaching. Sometimes we need a reminder from them to realize oh yes this is what I experienced.