White Knight Syndrome

[winston72]

I have been reading this book by Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger... . it is terrific... . concise, insightful and practical.

And, oh my has it been... . uncomfortable for me... . in a growth kind of way!  The "White Knight" rescuer dimension was very strong in my BPD relationship... . in ways far more subtle than I had recognized or understood.  And, of course, I am seeing how it has played a strong role in all aspects of my life.  Simply stated, it has been a way for me to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity... . driven by feeling unlovable and undesirable.

More to come, but wanted to post this comment on the book.  It is driving a lot of my thinking and reflections on my growth now... .

[CoasterRider]

YES! I read that book also. Until then I always thought my "white knight" ways were what made me special and unique a better guy. Little did I know its not a good thing at all!

I took a highlighter to my book and crossed over anything I thought struck a chord about myself, my ex and my relationship.

The trap we fall into, is that wounded little bird personae the BPD bait us in with. To a WKS person, we swoop right in.

Im an overly empathetic white knight, which one did you discover you are?

[winston72]

I think the whole book would be yellow if I highlighted everything that applied!

I am definitely the overly empathic type.  It is really helpful to see how deep the roots of this behavior extend into my childhood and how it influences every relationship in my life... . almost every interaction, really.  I am about 2/3 of the way through... . will post again when I am finished.

I think a lot... . a whole lot!... . of people on this site have varying levels of this type of personality... . it is such a vulnerable match for the behavior and inner world of someone with BPD or its traits.

[Murbay]

I would completely agree with you winston in that many people on this site do share those personality types.

I haven't read the book but thank you for pointing it out, will get it on the kindle and have a read later. It is definitely the personality type I fall in to and agree it makes us a prime target for pwBPD.

In the case of both my exBPDw and my r/s with exBPDgf, I can identify exactly what drew me in. They were both strong women (or so I thought) who had been through so much difficulty and struggle but had the strength to come through it. Life had been tough for them given the cards they had been dealt, both had overcome breakdowns caused by the actions of others and had such a positive outlook on life.

It's funny when you look back at what drew you in, for me I admired their positive outlook on life after going through so much. The key was the fact they both blamed others for those experiences. Until I learned about BPD from my T, the only way I could describe my relationship with my exBPDw was that it felt like I was being punished for what other people had done to her and blamed myself for being too easy going and allowing it to happen.

I always thought it was the positivity they both showed but if I'm truly honest, it was definitely the wounded bird that I wanted to protect believing that although they went through all these bad things, I was here now to make sure they never had to go through that again. How completely naive I was 

[winston72]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You describe my experiences quite well, Murbay!  I was very aware of believing that my love and support would be just that extra burst of strength to lead her and me into a brighter future.  I thought a lot about it as it was transpiring.  I was aware that being overly helpful was a trait of mine, and aware that it was a bit neurotic for me... . but it was genuinely me.  Still, she needed the help!  So, that seemed like a reasonable fit.  The goal was that the burst of support would not be long term, but would launch her on her goals... . which were returning to college to finish her BA and start a career as an artist. 

Anyway, she was consciously using me, taking me support and lying to me about her feelings... . while seeing another guy to whom she was doing the same thing!  But... . this is a story for another topic.  What this exposed was how powerful and fundamental this White Knight Syndrome is within me.  Ultimately in my BPD relationship, I was consciously and willingly fulfilling my desires and needs, and avoiding my inner pain and emptiness, as a rescuer... . and just carefully and deliberately driving myself off a cliff!  I wasn't naive... . I was just wrong!  I thought that dynamic could form the basis of a long term relationship. 

I do recommend the book... . it is quite helpful.

[CoasterRider]

Murbay,

Its not a long book I read it in about a week.

Winston,

The hard part about the book for me is its reference to our of FOO issues. I look back and honestly cant see anything particularly traumatic that occured to me as a youth. I see a pattern of always taking self worth from helping others, that's always the way Ive been since I was a kid. I was always momma's little helper.

Murbay, before I knew about BPD I felt the same way, I told my ex's friends when I consulted them for help, that I always felt like I was playing off of his's ex score card. I never got a clean slate when I showed up. He was always waiting for me to do to him what his ex did, and he was.  I always blamed his ex too, until it got to the point, where it needed to be left in the past as it was ruining our relationship, than I began to hold my ex responsible for it. I dont know if BPD is really what was going on, but so many of the elements fit, just never came out in a very extreme way like some people share on here. Very disappointing, none the less

The "wounded bird" was the exact phrase I used to explain what I thought of my ex when I first met him to my T. I was a big strong eagle, and was going to teach him how to fly, it was going to be OK. However, he took to his wings again, and started to fly further and further away from me. That played to my need to be needed and brought out a lot of insecurity. I turned to control and manipulation to keep him under my wing not where he would be safe, but where I didnt have anything to fear. Sorta sad huh?

[Surnia]

More about this book you will find here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164282.0

[Murbay]

Winston,

I want to offer my sincerest gratitude to you for this post. Picked the book up on my kindle yesterday and read it from cover to cover.

It's given a lot of food for thought and as you say, has a lot of uncomfortable moments. The story of Andrew, apart from a switch in the parental roles, I could have written that very same case study.

It has explained a lot about my previous 3 relationships (2 with pwBPD, and a non suffering from major dependency issues). I now understand more about my contribution to these relationships and why. It has also opened my eyes to what I need to work through on my own and with my T.

Yes, it is definitely an uncomfortable read in parts, but a true eye opener and well worth the personal insight so again, thank you for raising awareness of the book 

[winston72]

Thank you, Murbay!  It is thoughtful of you to mention this... . and appreciated.

I am still not finished... . the darned thing is nailing me at different levels on just about every page!  I am so entrenched in some of these patterns that they intuitively seem correct to me.  I have been confidently pursuing self-defeating approaches to relationships!  Duh!

More to come... . and so curious to know how to live differently.  I realize as I read that not only do I not have well developed emotions for living more balance, but I do not even have the concept or idea of how it would work for me.  I need a total reset... .

One more PS... . I have actively viewed my ability to absorb pain and grief as an asset to be deployed. So, of course, I deployed it a lot!  And I most definitely assume to posture of giving others what I want... . in order to get what I want.  Even as I type this the idea sits right with me.  I am at work and I realize that I do this everywhere, not just in romantic relationships.