Watching him desperately seek my replacement...

[misssouthernbelle]

He cut me out of his life and said goodbye two days ago after I blew up at him for telling me he never saw us being together, but only as really, really good friends after he had told me he wanted way more and really cared, but was just scared, less than two weeks ago. He kept answering my hurt/cruel messages, then would tell me to seriously stop texting him, but I kept on. He eventually called me selfish and said I only wanted to convert him and be with him to get him as my own. Then, after an emotional message from me, denying the selfishness and totally flabbergasted by his coldness and simple "Seriously... ? Goodbye." after hearing I was hurt, he said he didn't know what I was talking about, I didn't know him, that this was why he didn't want an us... . because it was 1000% not what he needed, told me to enjoy my "joyful spread for deception and fable lies"', told me I wouldn't be the one for him even if I was the greatest person in the world, and proceeded to say sorry for bothering me, he hoped I found a good, Christian guy, that I was right about everyone leaving him, blah blah blah, that this was his last text to me and for me to have a good life.

It was like talking to another person. He's usually so covert. I waited until that night and responded with a long text, calling him out on his double standard, his hypocrisy, bullhit, asking him where his unconditional love was now, apologizing for being ugly, and saying I respected his wishes and wished him the best. No reply.

I get on Whisper, this anonymous social app where you can post secrets and see the ones nearby... . it's a college thing... . we both have it and THE morning after my message, he has posted that he "will pay a female to make him forget about another female" and suggests dinner, movie, a walk, or anything they will do will help.

Tonight, he lost it on there... .

First, he's posting and asking if anyone wants to chat... .

Then, he's asking if anyone wants to go to Waffle House and talk about life. His treat... .

Next, he's posting about almost breaking down, crying not being his favorite, and why can't a guy find a girl to steal him away.

Then, he's posting about not being able to control who you fall in love with, saying it always happens how it shouldn't, and that it never ends right.

Finally, he puts a picture of a slit throat and over-dramatically says it's tempting.

I'm at a loss. Really. This guy WOULD NOT meet me in person beyond the first meet. It took two months of talking to meet once. Then, he played the issues card as why he couldn't see me again yet, saying he couldn't trust and was broken. I stayed with him for two more months, hoping to get him to trust me, so we could spend time together. He would always text me and say he wanted to come over, but would talk himself out of it and say he couldn't and shouldn't. Or, would blow me off when I asked him.

But, NOW he's ready to be social? At any cost?

My guy friend said he's trying to get my attention, because he knows I use the app as much as him, but I don't think my guy friend realizes that it's BPD. I'm sure he's forgotten all about me and is desperately seeking a replacement, with no thought to the idea that I'll see his posts. He's not over his ex - and made sure I knew it - so I know it's about filling her void.

Part of me thinks it's a little funny... . considering how bad he treated me and ended it abruptly. Then, part of me is sad and realizes how uncontrollably disordered he really is and how I never stood a chance of helping him, even though I validated and was enduring. :/

[Want2know]

The back and forth of I love you to I hate you is heart-wrenching.  We've all been there and it hurts because it just doesn't seem to make sense.  One thing to remember is that there is no logic behind it - it's a disorder, fueled by emotion.  I feel for what you're going through. 

Tonight, he lost it on there... .

First, he's posting and asking if anyone wants to chat... .

Then, he's asking if anyone wants to go to Waffle House and talk about life. His treat... .

Next, he's posting about almost breaking down, crying not being his favorite, and why can't a guy find a girl to steal him away.

Then, he's posting about not being able to control who you fall in love with, saying it always happens how it shouldn't, and that it never ends right.

Finally, he puts a picture of a slit throat and over-dramatically says it's tempting.

If you didn't know him, and came across his postings, would you still want to be in a relationship with someone like this? 

Detaching is hard - looking at what he wrote in a detached frame of mind, knowing you have the choice to pursue him or not, is something to work towards.  We're here to help - hang in there! 

[love4meNOTu]

No one could have loved her husband as much as I loved mine. I truly did love him, inside and out.

It wasn't enough. There is not enough love in the world for him. He is a bucket with a hole in the bottom, it can never be filled. Endlessly needing, almost parasitic.

I was exhausted. I couldn't do it any more. I might have been able to continue if he would have stopped raging at me, especially in front of my children. But he would not.

He has moved on to a new supply of affection and validation, and she too, will not be able to keep his bucket full. It's just not possible. It's the disorder. They must have someone to validate them, they cannot be alone.

It's not my job anymore. He found someone else to fill the position. And I'm ok with this, because I know he truly does not love anyone, not me, not anyone before or after me. He cannot trust enough to love anyone. Not in the way we know love.

So watching him desperately seeking validation is awful, and disturbing, but it is the disorder. It is a shame, it is sad, it is the disorder.

I'm so very sorry that you have been hurt. We all have been hurt in the same way. You will recover, you will be stronger from this and you will be wiser with your heart, mind and body.

blessings,

L

[misssouthernbelle]

The back and forth of I love you to I hate you is heart-wrenching.  We've all been there and it hurts because it just doesn't seem to make sense.  One thing to remember is that there is no logic behind it - it's a disorder, fueled by emotion.  I feel for what you're going through. 

Tonight, he lost it on there... .

First, he's posting and asking if anyone wants to chat... .

Then, he's asking if anyone wants to go to Waffle House and talk about life. His treat... .

Next, he's posting about almost breaking down, crying not being his favorite, and why can't a guy find a girl to steal him away.

Then, he's posting about not being able to control who you fall in love with, saying it always happens how it shouldn't, and that it never ends right.

Finally, he puts a picture of a slit throat and over-dramatically says it's tempting.

If you didn't know him, and came across his postings, would you still want to be in a relationship with someone like this? 

Detaching is hard - looking at what he wrote in a detached frame of mind, knowing you have the choice to pursue him or not, is something to work towards.  We're here to help - hang in there! 

Exactly. It's just hard to imagine their world. Honestly, it sounds like hell.

Honestly, no, I wouldn't want to be with him. But, I think the reason I do/did was because I got to know the injured soul beneath it all, or who I thought he was. He was molested as a child, if he wasn't lying. To this day, he still aims to please the father that did that to him. He really doesn't have a sense of self. I recently found out the reason he's so hellbent on finding the one, is so he can give his dad what he's always wanted... . a grandchild. How sick is that? On one hand, I wanted to save his damaged, beautiful soul from only continuing the abuse he knows and on the other, I really don't think I could be involved in such a f**ked-up family. It's just sad.  :'(

I highly doubt he would want to hear from me, as I'm painted black and "not the one for him." He didn't even answer my last text. He's not over his psycho ex... . any woman trying to help him now will drown just like me.

No one could have loved her husband as much as I loved mine. I truly did love him, inside and out.

It wasn't enough. There is not enough love in the world for him. He is a bucket with a hole in the bottom, it can never be filled. Endlessly needing, almost parasitic.

I was exhausted. I couldn't do it any more. I might have been able to continue if he would have stopped raging at me, especially in front of my children. But he would not.

He has moved on to a new supply of affection and validation, and she too, will not be able to keep his bucket full. It's just not possible. It's the disorder. They must have someone to validate them, they cannot be alone.

It's not my job anymore. He found someone else to fill the position. And I'm ok with this, because I know he truly does not love anyone, not me, not anyone before or after me. He cannot trust enough to love anyone. Not in the way we know love.

So watching him desperately seeking validation is awful, and disturbing, but it is the disorder. It is a shame, it is sad, it is the disorder.

I'm so very sorry that you have been hurt. We all have been hurt in the same way. You will recover, you will be stronger from this and you will be wiser with your heart, mind and body.

blessings,

L


[/quote

He's said himself that he's insatiable, in his own way. It is almost parasitic. The way they go about it so childlike and aggressively is what sets them apart from psychopaths... . which my ex was. He was more conniving and would go the extra mile to keep the charade going because he had no feelings.

You are absolutely right. I think that's what is sad, but assuring. They can never understand our love. They could never give it. And, no one will ever be able to climb their walls/get that love from them/fully know who they are. It isn't us.

It really is sad.

Thank you for the kind words.

[Want2know]

Honestly, no, I wouldn't want to be with him. But, I think the reason I do/did was because I got to know the injured soul beneath it all, or who I thought he was.

I felt the same way, and still sometimes feel sorry that he is living a life with so much conflict and pain. 

Having compassion for someone is a good thing.  Doing so at the cost of our own happiness and peace is something to take a closer look at.  I know for me, I allowed my feelings and compassion drive my actions. 

Have you had a chance to read the workshop on 'Wise Mind'?  It offers some good insight on balancing our emotions with our logical minds.  Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0