How to really let them go

[tango1492]

No contact for 2 months. In truth, I still check his fb page daily and still hope he comes back to me one day. I still have this fantasy that he'll realize I'm what he wants, make some changes, and come try to get me back. How do I finally let him go completely? For example, I'd love to know that if he came back, I'd be able to say no and stay NC. I'd like to know deep inside myself that this chapter is closed, but I just can't seem to find that closure within.

[coolioqq]

I am there with you, and I am sorry that you are hurting. 

I actually got that from my dBPDexgf. Believe it or not, that makes it much more difficult to detach. You would think it would be sort of a "sweet revenge," or a "one up" but, in reality, it is not. We are nons for a reason... . Looking at her desperate tries to contact me is a deep bitter feeling that breaks my heart further into pieces and makes me long for her more than ever while knowing that I must stay NC, for my own sanity. Closure comes with stopping the agony, not continuing it... .

So, I guess, be careful what you wish for . Stay well.

[necchi]

Its different for everyone, 2months n/c is early for a lot of us, it was my case.

i feel like time as not did its work yet for you and this is ok.

when people here told me " it will pass",give it time Necchi" i just couldn't see the end of all this, but live it, you will feel better as time goes by. Checking is FB page will not help but i to had to go there and hurt my guts daily . So go easy on you, read on, have faith in life because yes it will pass . Be patient

[janey62]

Hey Tango,

I know how you feel... . I miss my ex so much and every day is a struggle.

I have to accept that no matter what I feel he is ill and even though I know he loves me truly, we can't be together, not now and probably not ever.  We ended up in such a dark place that I just couldn't risk going back there.  

He is seeing a therapist at the moment who is recovering himself from BPD and alcohol problems and my ex is feeling optimistic about his chances of at least a better life.  And that fills me with hope, but if he did get well, and we were to try again, its so possible that by us being together he could unravel again.  I was the trigger for his deterioration this time, I could be again.  

So I'm back to having to accept that its lost.  But I miss him and my heart is heavy.

Not sure if that helps you much, but just wanted to identify with you.  

Janey x

[restoredsight]

I read another forum sometimes that has a wealth of BPD stories. It's basically a pickup artist sort of site. The thing is that these guys, who often try to rotate women and relationships run into women with BPD and get absolutely destroyed. These guys almost always think they are above it all, then they have months or years of recovery to even feel human again. Since these guys try and see as many women as possible, the probability of running into a pwBPD is fairly high.

There are often members that have been around a while who warn against dating them, and try and warn others about the red flags. There are some very useful posts in there, but a a few stood out as a reality check for me. These are things I read over and over to keep things straight, and I hope they may be of some use.

" At the time and in the midst of my delusion, I thought that if I was good enough I could get the old her back. If I just treated her well enough, my girlfriend would come back and this impostor would go away."

"These types of women are professional survivors, and they will do just fine without you. If you try to save these women, at the end of the relationship they will end up walking away happy and laughing at your descent into madness while you yourself will be the one coming here to SS or BPD family needing to be saved. They will seriously walk away thinking that you are the one who is crazy, since the abuse they suffered has caused them to create a series of self defense mechanisms such as denial that prevent them from recognizing that they even have a problem."

"In the beginning she mirrored me and things were wonderful. In the end I mirrored her and it was awful."

"it wasn't the broken girl in front of us that we loved oh no it was the broken little boy we both were when we were younger in need of the proper love and respect from parents, society, friends and neighbors that we didn't get or at least didn't get in the correct way.

Because of this lack of love we part subconsciously, part consciously neglected loving ourselves ie that proper and positive self talk healthy people do their whole lives that fills them with confidence and belief in themselves.

We were desperately in need of this self love and the girl allowed us to love ourselves, our broken crying self through her and we put up with the disrespect and abuse because we'd never felt such love before.

The love we could of had at any time had our eyes only been opened that this love comes from within."


Look at the whole person as best as you can. This person who hated you is the same person that thinks you are "the one." Both of these things are absolutely true at the time. This is the whole person. You, like me, probably want that good person back, but that person is a part time employee in that business, and when it's time to change shifts they do not stick around to chat with the customers.

[janey62]

... . as for NC, I see the wisdom in it and am working up to it.

Every time he contacts me and I respond it starts out warm and ends up crazed and messy and just upsets us both.

I've not heard for a few days and it's been so peaceful.  I'm left along to grieve.

I'm thinking that checking his FB page is too tempting for you?  Are you helping yourself there do you think?  Mine is not on FB thankfully so I don't have that dilemma... .

For me accepting NC is the same as coming to accept that it's over.  It's a slow process I guess.

xx

[janey62]

Wise words Chad... .

[AwakenedOne]

You, like me, probably want that good person back, but that person is a part time employee in that business, and when it's time to change shifts they do not stick around to chat with the customers.

Yes Chad... . this pretty much says it all

[Split black]

"These types of women are professional survivors, and they will do just fine without you. If you try to save these women, at the end of the relationship they will end up walking away happy and laughing at your descent into madness while you yourself will be the one coming here to SS or BPD family needing to be saved. They will seriously walk away thinking that you are the one who is crazy, since the abuse they suffered has caused them to create a series of self defense mechanisms such as denial that prevent them from recognizing that they even have a problem."

"In the beginning she mirrored me and things were wonderful. In the end I mirrored her and it was awful."

This is exactly what is going on yet again. Shes fine with whoever she is with or how many she is with... .   they are totally chumped, sucked in and white knighting. Shes sex bombing them into puddy, there is no defense against her innocent acting seductive mind blowing sexual intensity. Im jonsing so badly for her... . BUT im

NOT gonna break NC. Not again... . not ever. I would rather die on my feet like a free man, then an anxious, unfocused, lost, desperate slave... . on my knees waiting for crumbs.  ( excuse my liberal and expanded interpretation of a line I just heard from a Spartacus movie... . epiphanies come when you least expect them)

[lost tree]

No contact for 2 months. In truth, I still check his fb page daily and still hope he comes back to me one day. I still have this fantasy that he'll realize I'm what he wants, make some changes, and come try to get me back. How do I finally let him go completely? For example, I'd love to know that if he came back, I'd be able to say no and stay NC. I'd like to know deep inside myself that this chapter is closed, but I just can't seem to find that closure within.

Tango I feel exactly the same as you, I'm asking myself the same question and hoping for the same. Great topic, thank you.

Lost Tree

[RecycledNoMore]

Chad

" in the beginning she mirrored me and things were wonderful,in the end I mirrored her and it was awful"

So true,In the end I behaved just as crazily at times.

(( Tango ))

I know its hard to believe this but in time you will feel better.2 months after my breakup I was a mess,checking his fb page( poking myself in the eye) my T said that I was " sabotaging to the familiar" in my past somewhere along the way, pain had become somewhat normal for me, a learned and practiced way of life,when I was detatching and starting to heal, I felt the need to go back to that " familiar" place, hence the fb checking,once I realised thats what I was really doing it became easier for me not to do it.

Afterall, who wants to intentionally cause themself pain?Not me, and I hope in time not you either Tango, you deserve better.

[pinkparchment]

I loved my exBPDgf more than I've ever loved a S/O in my life, and she hurt me more than any other human being on earth ever has.

She hurt me in a way that fundamentally changed who I am as a person. We're only 6 weeks NC but I feel as though I will always be a little darker, more cynical, more wary. I feel like I've lost my innocence and trust in people.

I think about her coming back to me. I like to imagine she realizes I was the best she'll ever find. I like to pretend no one will compare to what we had, although I know her disorder means she'll idealize anyone she's with just like she did me. But I think what I'm *really* hoping is that if she were to come back to me I would go back to being the same person I was before. That somehow her validating that I was special and mattered to her would restore my optimism and faith in love and in myself.

I know the truth is that no one can do that for me. If she came and poured her heart out to me, I'd want to take her back, but how could I? How could I take back someone who threw me away like garbage and watched me suffer desperately without offering a single word of kindness or giving me an ounce of peace? How could I take back someone who literally replaced me within 42 hours of swearing she needed me and I was the only one she loved?

Taking her back might feel good for awhile, but it wouldn't erase the knowledge that she was capable of hurting me--and replacing me--that way. I know now that she never loved me, that she isn't CAPABLE of real love, and that knowledge would continue to destroy me even if she idealized me once again. I know now it's an illusion and the only one who can give me back my self-respect is me.

I just hope I there someday.

[seeking balance]

No contact for 2 months. In truth, I still check his fb page daily and still hope he comes back to me one day. I still have this fantasy that he'll realize I'm what he wants, make some changes, and come try to get me back. How do I finally let him go completely? For example, I'd love to know that if he came back, I'd be able to say no and stay NC. I'd like to know deep inside myself that this chapter is closed, but I just can't seem to find that closure within.

I am a big believer that article 9 is the answer to our "wishful thinking".

Full article here:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck.

1      Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2      Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3      Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4      Belief that love can prevail

5      Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be

6      Clinging to the words that were said

7      Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8      Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

10      Belief that they have seen the light

What False Belief has you stuck tango?

[max101]

I'm experiencing the same thing. My uBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago. We have had very limited contact, when I returned her stuff and recently when I informed her I finally got a new job This whole experience is so tough, even though now with this distance I know she emotionally tortured me I still miss her. Weekend suck because normally I would wake up next to her and it was an amazing feeling, now I just have to much "me time". I went out on a date, girl was very interested in spending time with me which felt great but I told her I couldn't go on with it, that it's to early for me.

The biggest problem for me is when I go to bed, I cannot sleep normally for the past 2 months, I dream about her and wake up so angry at her and spend the night thinking what an idiot I was, how little I loved myself and how little I took care of my self

Anybody else experience such nights?

[Split black]

I'm experiencing the same thing. My uBPDgf broke up with me 2 months ago. We have had very limited contact, when I returned her stuff and recently when I informed her I finally got a new job This whole experience is so tough, even though now with this distance I know she emotionally tortured me I still miss her. Weekend suck because normally I would wake up next to her and it was an amazing feeling, now I just have to much "me time". I went out on a date, girl was very interested in spending time with me which felt great but I told her I couldn't go on with it, that it's to early for me.

The biggest problem for me is when I go to bed, I cannot sleep normally for the past 2 months, I dream about her and wake up so angry at her and spend the night thinking what an idiot I was, how little I loved myself and how little I took care of my self

Anybody else experience such nights?

I am going thru the same thing. NC for about 3 weeks and havent seen her or had sex w her in a month. Its very very hard knowing she is with other men. I did however start dating and have hooked up with a girl equally as pretty smarter just different body type. But im still fighting my mind and thoughts about my exBPDgf everyday and night. The girl im dating said she wants to keep things light so i dont feel badly about this rebound. And i have been able to smile a bit. We are trading stories about our exes but i withhold a lot of intel for now. Also i am uber sensitive about BPD traits and im concerned she might be a waif. Jeeeez.

In my opinion try to go out and date. Grieve yes but its a short cut to acceptance and helps get your ego back on track a bit

[Kallor74]

The thing is that these guys, who often try to rotate women and relationships run into women with BPD and get absolutely destroyed. These guys almost always think they are above it all, then they have months or years of recovery to even feel human again.

Yes i have seen similar websites where these bad ass cassanovas get pummeled into submission by these women with BPD. They are like kryptonite to these "supermen".

"These types of women are professional survivors, and they will do just fine without you. If you try to save these women, at the end of the relationship they will end up walking away happy and laughing at your descent into madness while you yourself will be the one coming here to SS or BPD family needing to be saved. They will seriously walk away thinking that you are the one who is crazy, since the abuse they suffered has caused them to create a series of self defense mechanisms such as denial that prevent them from recognizing that they even have a problem."

Who ever wrote this is a genius and understands the BPD mind very well.  Professional survivors! wow

[restoredsight]

I can write what I want, read what I can, and tell myself that it's all over, but I still have days like today where she's the only thing on my mind. Granted, we've been together for over two years, so it would be normal no matter what, but I honestly feel like I'm suffering through her death rather than a breakup, since it was so sudden and painful.

I do fine for a few days, and then I go to bed, like I did the night before last, and suddenly she climbs into bed with me, pushing her body against mine. I wrap my arms around her and smell her hair. I am so happy and content.

Then I wake up. This was so vivid that it felt real. I can't tell you how desolate I feel. I just want her back so badly, despite anything I know or what she's done. It's all too close. We married only three months ago. I watched her give birth only nine months ago. I sit here and I ask myself how this could be this way.

[tango1492]

I just ruminate and also dream about him a lot. I think about him many many times each day. We've been broken up for 8 months! Granted, only NC for 2 months. STill, I wish I was making better progress. I've been on some dates. Problem is, I was so wildly attracted to him, he was very successful, great looking, great chemistry... . and one doesn't find that stuff over night. So I end up just feeling worse when I date... . like I'll never find anyone who I have such intense feelings for again.

[Waifed]

Learning all you can about BPD, working on yourself, allowing your mind to process the relationship, and maybe most importantly... . TIME.  

You have to keep working on yourself so when the time too let go comes around you will be ready.


It sounds so easy... .

[willy45]

Yup. Be careful what you wish for. Read here about all the recycles. And read this my post... . not exactly her wanting me back in a romantic way as maybe I had hoped, but certainly weird and unnerving. Shows how quickly one can go from feeling pretty decent to rock bottom, again. All for nothing. Just a distant faint hope that the fantasy that is in my head of this person and of this ever working out is real. No such luck.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222175.0

[Pecator]

Max

I am the exact same way. My anxiety has been triggered. Three or four hours a night for a long time. After a while, when I could get an occasional night's sleep, I hated the brief second when I felt good from the dream world and before my conciseness took over.

Like a prisoner dreaming of being free only to wake up and see the bars.

The anger got intense for a while, but as everyone above has said, it takes time.

Chad, you made me cry with your description. I am glad we are not alone

[heartandwhole]

I just ruminate and also dream about him a lot. I think about him many many times each day. We've been broken up for 8 months! Granted, only NC for 2 months. STill, I wish I was making better progress. I've been on some dates. Problem is, I was so wildly attracted to him, he was very successful, great looking, great chemistry... . and one doesn't find that stuff over night. So I end up just feeling worse when I date... . like I'll never find anyone who I have such intense feelings for again.

Hi tango,

Getting closure on these relationships can be so hard.  Have you been thinking about what you want in a relationship?  Is intensity something that you need, is it something that makes you feel loved, or happy?  It might help to explore your needs and what your feelings are around love and relationships.   Some people, for example, feel that intensity =intimacy, but it can be the exact opposite. 

Self-inquiry can be very helpful, and it keeps the focus on you instead of your ex.  There's more on the right sidebar if you're interested-----------------> 

How about a reprieve from fb for a day, a week, a month?  The more you focus on him and not yourself and your own feelings, the slower the healing.   

Hang in there, because things really do get better.