in a bad place

[Bee Girl]

Hello,

After two months of peace, where I really thought I'd been wrong about my boyfriend's BPD, things have gone to hell over something seemingly insignificant (I returned home from work a 1/2 hour later than usual and he was worried, had forgotten I had a meeting and claimed I didn't tell him) and this time I fought back and lost it myself. Maybe I was stupid enough to think that lithium was the miracle drug it seemed to be. He seemed a changed person.

As I listen to what he's bringing up in his dysregulation (and believe me, I said some ugly things too) I think it's about the meeting I went to: I am volunteering for a camp this summer that has a feminist agenda. He's shouting about male authority and feminism and my egotism. I had a feeling this volunteer gig was a potential trigger, and in a way I am realizing that things can stay peaceful if I stay inside a box. If I step outside the box and show independence he gets triggered.

I am trying to find a place to escape to. I am hearing him shout about how I am the crazy one. I thought we'd left this stuff behind. Then I wonder if I am the crazy one.

I made a choice (a safe one, I thought) to pursue something that takes me out of our false cozy routine and I am paying for it. He seems to be revealing himself in his response. I feel like I've lost everything just to stand up for my SELF.

I'm too embarrassed to ask a friend if I can stay because I'd have to explain this. I have to leave my own house (I own it) or spend the weekend trapped with someone that will give me the hostile silent treatment or berate me constantly.

Still wondering if I am the crazy one. That happens when I fight back.

thank you for listening.

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[mitti]

Hi Bee Girl,

So sorry for what you are having to put up with. But about improvement - anybody that is going to change anything about their lives, BPD or not, usually have setbacks. You know, 2 steps forward and 1 back. That's very common and perhaps even to be expected. And if you expect it, you won't be so disappointed either when it happens and that way you will be better equipped to stick to your coping strategy.

And yes, I used to feel like I was the unreasonable one in my past r/s as well. No wonder when we go through this craziness with them. 

[maxsterling]

Wow.  Sorry you had to deal with that - I know how you feel.  I deal with similar - things can be going so well and I finally feel some stability and progress, and then BAM.  And the trigger is usually something I can do nothing about, or could not have predicted.  The truth here is that they have an axe to grind with society and need a reason why they are so miserable.  And eventually, they find something about you and use that as a reason to attack you and blame you for their misery.  My GF goes so far as to say she is jealous of my independence and happiness and that makes her angry!

Still wondering if I am the crazy one. That happens when I fight back.

That's why you should try and not fight back.  There is nothing to gain by fighting back.  You won't change his mind, won't get him so suddenly realize and apologize, and won't get him to calm down or change his behavior in the future.  All you accomplish by fighting back is give him more fuel to counter attack you and hurt you with and more things to blame you for.  And the end result of fighting back is you feeling even worse, feeling crazy, and feeling like you could be causing his rage. 

I'd suggest next time he starts raging over the absurd, to take a step back at the first hint of a raised voice, sarcasm, or blame, tell him that you are sorry he is upset, are willing to discuss this with him calmly at a later time, but that you will not engage in a shouting mach.  Then tell him you are leaving for a while, and will be back. 

[Bee Girl]

Thank you for responding. It is a setback, his and my own. I didn't validate. I confronted him. I insisted he apologize. I needed to be right. Not to say I am "wrong", but I know there are better ways to handle the beginnings of these episodes to prevent the full blown verbal abuse.

I've taken a time out for the night and, well, tomorrow is another day. I find that only when he reaches a place of reason can I even consider working through it. I'm not sure if he will. I'm not sure if I will.

thank you.