I want...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I want to write my wife a letter and demand that she admit the truth about several specifics of her behavior.  I want to demand that she explain what she was doing during a time when she seemed to be having an affair.  I want to use specifics that cannot be denied.  I then want to say, "Explain yourself and answer my questions completely or I am filing for divorce."

I want to do this because I have lived with her lies and deceit and confusion for decades and I deserve an answer.  I want to do this because if and when she doesn't answer, I can convince myself that she made the decision to divorce.

How crazy is this?  What do you guys think?

[tired-of-it-all]

I want to write my wife a letter and demand that she admit the truth about several specifics of her behavior.  I want to demand that she explain what she was doing during a time when she seemed to be having an affair.  I want to use specifics that cannot be denied.  I then want to say, "Explain yourself and answer my questions completely or I am filing for divorce."

I want to do this because I have lived with her lies and deceit and confusion for decades and I deserve an answer.  I want to do this because if and when she doesn't answer, I can convince myself that she made the decision to divorce.

How crazy is this?  What do you guys think?

[Xstaticaddict]

I say go for it... .then write her response the way you wish she would respond.

No more delusional than expecting that she'll embrace what you wrote i suspect.

[tired-of-it-all]

Thanks.  It is also a way to tell her that I am divorcing her and lay the issue in her lap.  I know I should be stronger but I am not.  This may work for me. 

It is also harder for her to twist up what I say when it is in writing. 

[Tausk]

How crazy is this?  What do you guys think?

Crazy Is as Crazy Does!   

It's reasonable to expect answers to your questions.  And if I were you, I'd probably write the letter and demand answers.  How can live with a partner without at least some level of honest communication?  Not possible. 

But remember the Disorder Always Wins.  And I remember when I demanded answers, I got some, but in the long-run, I really don't know what parts of what she said was the truth or confabulation. And her stories kept changing.  Give it a bit more time, and your ex won't even remember all the lies that she told you.

Sad but true. 

So, do what you need to do to end your marriage, and then hurry up and file for divorce already. 

Remember, this is the leaving board.  If you want unbiased feedback, the other boards might be more appropriate. But here I gonna tell you that you've wasted enough of your life trying to understand Bat Sht Crazy, and it's time to start understanding yourself. 

At least that's what I learned for myself.

In support,

T

[Mutt]

Thanks.  It is also a way to tell her that I am divorcing her and lay the issue in her lap.  I know I should be stronger but I am not.  This may work for me.  

It is also harder for her to twist up what I say when it is in writing.  

I have hundreds and hundreds of emails during the marriage where she dissociated and projected when I confronted her with the truth. The same behaviors after too. She has a series of defense mechanisms, projection, splitting - it protects her core wound of abandonment. As invalidating as it is to you, unfortunately your not going to get the answers that you expect. I'm sorry.

You have a voice and it's painful when someone that you trust is doing things behind your back. It triggers distrust, anger and resentment and you want to be heard! I understand infidelity and affairs is very painful. This is her reality - a distorted belief system and it is as real to her as your reality is to you.

Your letter is a good idea to get your feelings out. I think it's best you put it own to paper and file it away. Write a letter here on these boards if you like and share it with us. The choices are yours but confronting her now with the truth will trigger her - she'll likely dysregulate, project and punish you as frustrating as it is. If you are divorcing her I suggest picking up Bill Eddy's book on Splitting How to divorce a Borderline Personality Disorder.

Here is another excellent article:  

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

[Blimblam]

I want to write my wife a letter and demand that she admit the truth about several specifics of her behavior.  I want to demand that she explain what she was doing during a time when she seemed to be having an affair.  I want to use specifics that cannot be denied.  I then want to say, "Explain yourself and answer my questions completely or I am filing for divorce."

I want to do this because I have lived with her lies and deceit and confusion for decades and I deserve an answer.  I want to do this because if and when she doesn't answer, I can convince myself that she made the decision to divorce.

How crazy is this?  What do you guys think?

Hoping for my ex to recognize her part in all of this has caused me grief to the point of wanting to kill myself... .If you listen and watch closely it just wont happen.  It is extremely hard to deal with.  If there is any part of you left that demands a real apology or this cant go on, in your head... .then you have to leave and pray you can let it go.   It is crazy!

In my opinion realize the apology wont happen and if you press for one make note of how it goes and that it will never get better than the first time asking for one.  If you can truly let it all go and let it slide then maybe theres a chance but I don't think you are a sociopath.

[Infared]

If your situation was anything like mine you will never get an honest answer. They just are not capable of that. You might as well send your letter to Santa Claus and hope and believe that he will come on his sled and bring you all the answers in his sack. Your energy would be better spent.

What you can expect is more blame, more lies, more self-centeredness.

Perhaps if you can catch her in a shameful enough moment you might get a veiled, convoluted, partial morsel of the truth that will be denied and changed at a later point in time.

Then the sickness will have you doubting your own sanity again. You will start believing the manipulations again and start to think that you are not a good person.

Absolute NC is the only thing that slowly started to give me some peace from the insanity and slowly dissolve the tendrils that seemed to be deeply embedded in my soul.

Clear thinking and awareness can return, but only through total separation. I just had to save myself, I knew the truth. Staying in that mess was a lie to myself... .

Looking within is the only place that I found any truth, any decency or any empathy.

[hergestridge]

It would be reasonable to think that she would have had time to reflect on your long relationship after the breakup, but from what I understand most pwBPD just go deeper into denial and if possible do their best to forget about the wasted years - and they're good at it. So don't set your expectations too high.

Also, if your ex is like mine she won't have this conversation in text because she won't be able to pull the usual tricks out of her hat in that context. I sent a similar text a week or so after the breakup - with specific questions. She just replied that she'd rather meet and discuss this in person instead. Guess why.

[Popcorn71]

I wrote a letter asking for answers and making it clear that what I already knew proved he was lying and treating me badly.  I never got a response.  A few weeks after I had the opportunity to say most of what I wrote, to his face. Again, no response. He just sat silently looking at the floor. He knew he was wrong but would not admit it or give me reasons.

I have had to work it out myself.

It may make you feel better but you probably won't get answers.