Are they all unfaithful? I thought mine wasn't

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all

I am just getting over a failed relationship with my BPDbf.

When we first go together, 3mths after his separation from his wife, whom he had only known 15mths, married, separated within that time, we both went to the sexual health clinic and did all the tests.

We had one of our numerous break-ups, he knew I was going out dancing with chap from work in town (bf didn't drink, or dance, didn't like social events at all, did 'smoke' a lot though), he told me he was sleeping with another woman that night and switched off his phone. The following day he said he just did it to hurt me, but didn't actually do anything. I believed him... .was I stupid. He was always asking if we needed more tests whenever I rarely went out.

We're 2 mths broken up, he's with someone already.

Have I been really niaive?

x

[Lolastheme]

Hi all

I am just getting over a failed relationship with my BPDbf.

When we first go together, 3mths after his separation from his wife, whom he had only known 15mths, married, separated within that time, we both went to the sexual health clinic and did all the tests.

We had one of our numerous break-ups, he knew I was going out dancing with chap from work in town (bf didn't drink, or dance, didn't like social events at all, did 'smoke' a lot though), he told me he was sleeping with another woman that night and switched off his phone. The following day he said he just did it to hurt me, but didn't actually do anything. I believed him... .was I stupid. He was always asking if we needed more tests whenever I rarely went out.

We're 2 mths broken up, he's with someone already.

Have I been really niaive?

x

[levelup]

BPD or not, it's a risky situation when you get together with somebody who's separated, but not divorced.

Also, regardless of the divorce status, three months is a very short time for somebody leaving a spouse to be emotionally ready for a serious new relationship.

[Mutt]

whom he had only known 15mths, married, separated within that time

That's a lot in 15 months.

The following day he said he just did it to hurt me, but didn't actually do anything. I believed him... .was I stupid.

Don't beat yourself up. I didn't understand that it was a mental illness at the time and I believed my ex.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Lolastheme,

Not naive, trusting.  Being able to trust is a beautiful trait. 

I too thought that my ex wasn't the type who would be unfaithful.  He insisted that cheating wasn't his way, that he wasn't a game-player, or a player for that matter.  What I learned and experienced is that the opposite was true. 

Go easy on yourself for falling for it.  I fell for it too.  It's not about you.  You extended him the benefit of the doubt and he exploited it. 

[Inside]

I think they’re always looking …thus expect we’re doing the same.  They also seem to lack the ability to have a limited ‘friend relationship’ with the opposite sex.  Whereas you were/ are capable of simply having fun with a friend that happens to be a guy, I don’t believe your BPDx is capable of distinguishing a friendship from a opportunity for conquest… 

They operate with an alien playbook…  And, there seem different degrees of ‘cheating.’  Lining up your replacement seems a constant theme, and as mentioned, every encounter feels like an opportunity to them; the only question being - when will they act on it. 

Lacking the ability remain dedicated to ‘their mate’ is a BPD trait.  So yours was a case of healthy vs. unhealthy…  I hope you’re free of the spell and ready to find and appreciate healthy ~ 

[Vatz]

It's a crummy feeling. But two months out ain't bad.

Since he's found someone new, NC is the best way to go. You'll heal in time, you sound like you have it together.

Keep on keepin' on.

[Tiepje3]

It was the last thing I expected from him, to be (emotionally) unfaithful to me. He was married for 24 years, told his wife it was over and fell in love with me (in hindsight, that's his story, maybe there was some overlap). He always looked down on and was disgusted by co-workers who were going crazy for (fe)male attention on business travels. And then... .

He set me up to find this out. He deliberately left his email account open on my computer so I'd see the beginning of the affair (email exchanges) and later he 'accidentally' sent me a Skype chat message meant for the replacement in which he declared his love for her.

I had never ever expected this. Devastating!