It's so difficult

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So my ex lost her mother 6 months ago. I had a good relationship with her parents and despite my no contact with her I felt I had to attend the wake and the funeral out of respect to them... .even though the thought of seeing her again turned my stomach.

Since then contact has been minimal, she sent me a birthday gift out of the blue.

Today, a text, "so u have nothing to say. I really thought mum dying would have changed u and ud be there for me but no, u are still cold and heartless and ignoring me. I need friends the most now and it's pretty obvious u are no friend. I will never ever contact u again."

I know I know, it's the perfect result (though I don't for a second believe her when she says she won't contact me again). But why then do a feel like a ass? In spite of all the abuse, emotional and physical, that I took for two and a half years, she still has me feeling guilty. They seem to have a unique way of getting past our defences 

[brokenbutalive]

So my ex lost her mother 6 months ago. I had a good relationship with her parents and despite my no contact with her I felt I had to attend the wake and the funeral out of respect to them... .even though the thought of seeing her again turned my stomach.

Since then contact has been minimal, she sent me a birthday gift out of the blue.

Today, a text, "so u have nothing to say. I really thought mum dying would have changed u and ud be there for me but no, u are still cold and heartless and ignoring me. I need friends the most now and it's pretty obvious u are no friend. I will never ever contact u again."

I know I know, it's the perfect result (though I don't for a second believe her when she says she won't contact me again). But why then do a feel like a ass? In spite of all the abuse, emotional and physical, that I took for two and a half years, she still has me feeling guilty. They seem to have a unique way of getting past our defences 

[Recooperating]

Unfortunately they know our soft spots. This is the exact same thing my exBPDbf could have said. I might be generallizing here but I guess 90% of us here were/are rescuers. Being giving and caring is important to us (whether its healthy or unhealthy). They know this so they use this against us. My exBPD also knows how to push the "you are selfish" button and make me feel like crap.

From a non's point of view: I think you did a very respectfull and honorable thing paying your respects to her mother. I would have thanked you for your attentiveness and caring spirit.

BPD's play the victim part quite well, to her this was not about paying respect to her mom... .As always they make it about them.

You did a great thing, don't feel guilty. Her pain and grief is not your responsibility. She is an adult and she should be able to self-soothe.

Im really sorry she turned a generous and respectfull gesture into a negative. Dont let it bother you. It belongs to her, its not about you!

[brokenbutalive]

Well that was quicker than I thought... .

Another text, "still no comment. Ur a nasty **** now brokenbutalive, completely heartless. U definitely don't love me anyway. I hate u for being so mean to me. So cold. Mum would be spittin on u from above seein the real u now."

Thanks for ur reply recooperating. It's very helpful and accurate but this is hard to take when I gave her and the relationship everything I had. My stomach is in knots anticipating her next text. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Is it time to do what you need to do to stop getting text messages from her?

[NorthLight]

wow i have the problem of silent treatment from the second she dumped me till now. But this is another problem. She actually contacts you because she feels bad, and she is saying whatever she can to make YOU feel bad, as that will remove her own pain. That is so selfish. I don't know your story, but if she has caused pain in your hearth and is thinking about herself before you, then you should think about yourself before here - aka block her, so she can't cause more pain to you. You need to take care of yourself before others, and right now she causes you pain and its not your responsibility to fix it for her.

[Mutt]

Today, a text, "so u have nothing to say. I really thought mum dying would have changed u and ud be there for me but no, u are still cold and heartless and ignoring me. I need friends the most now and it's pretty obvious u are no friend. I will never ever contact u again."

I'm sorry brokenbutalive. It triggers so many feelings in us when we receive these types of messages. You were struggling with the wake as well. She's throwing up a lot of FOG in her message. You find it difficult in the last 7 months of a 3 year r/s. It takes time to heal and it helps to block hurtful messages.