Telling his family about BPD

[Indyan]

Talking about his family, I don't know what to do. I wonder whether I should tell his big sister about the diagnosis. He's on the verge of schizophrenia and if he doesn't seek treatment his paranoia will grow bigger and bigger "until it fakes the whole room" (according to T).

They chose to believe all the rubbish he said... .except his big sister maybe, who told me that she told the parents and other sister that "I wouldn't run away with the baby and that it was obvious that I took good care of the kids."

But still... .when I tried to tell her 3 months ago that he was ill, she kept repeating HIS crap, she kept putting the problem (and his state) down to "relationship problems".

It's a very dysfunctional family... .

But the thing is at this stage I can't trust him enough to be sure he will seek treatment, and if he doesn't he will make his/my/the kids lives miserable.

I will never forget that none of them phoned me to check I was doing ok alone with the kids.

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[Lucky One]

Talking about his family, I don't know what to do. I wonder whether I should tell his big sister about the diagnosis. He's on the verge of schizophrenia and if he doesn't seek treatment his paranoia will grow bigger and bigger "until it fakes the whole room" (according to T).

They chose to believe all the rubbish he said... .except his big sister maybe, who told me that she told the parents and other sister that "I wouldn't run away with the baby and that it was obvious that I took good care of the kids."

But still... .when I tried to tell her 3 months ago that he was ill, she kept repeating HIS crap, she kept putting the problem (and his state) down to "relationship problems".

It's a very dysfunctional family... .

But the thing is at this stage I can't trust him enough to be sure he will seek treatment, and if he doesn't he will make his/my/the kids lives miserable.

I will never forget that none of them phoned me to check I was doing ok alone with the kids.

The easiest way to handle a family who's in DENIAL, is to ignore and / or don't discuss the issues with them.

Why discuss "relationship problems" with anyone, who's going to take you, NOWHERE.

With someone, who's not going to be of any assistance to you. Who's going to make matters even worse.

Disowning them, the family, will be taking it to the extreme! I did that. End of Issues!

[Indyan]

They are partly in denial. I mean they admit he "has a problem" but they also believe his crap that he has r/s problems... .

I think with a proper diagnosis they might see things differently. I don't expect support and understanding for my kids and I though.

[waverider]

The easiest way to handle a family who's in DENIAL, is to ignore and / or don't discuss the issues with them.

Why discuss "relationship problems" with anyone, who's going to take you, NOWHERE.

With someone, who's not going to be of any assistance to you. Who's going to make matters even worse.

Disowning them, the family, will be taking it to the extreme! I did that. End of Issues!

This is pretty much what i have had to do, but it is hard to resist the temptation of playing over in your head "what if i say this, or that, they will understand/be on my side/help support me/". But it is a flogging to nothing and only amplifies your stress and feeling of abandonment.

No one wants to take on the problem of mental disorders unless they have to, and they dont have to, it is easier and more palatable to go into denial and believe the "easy" story.

[Lucky One]

They are partly in denial. I mean they admit he "has a problem" but they also believe his crap that he has r/s problems... .

I think with a proper diagnosis they might see things differently. I don't expect support and understanding for my kids and I though.

Do you ever wonder:

How much of "HIS" relationship problems, they think you, are the cause of.?

Also, I cannot see them supporting you. You are NOT "blood family".

When this happened to me, I also thought they'd give me some support, based on the evidence of the circumstances.

Was I being unrealistic. Maybe NOT. But I certainly found out that family supports family - even if they are wrong!

[Lucky One]

The easiest way to handle a family who's in DENIAL, is to ignore and / or don't discuss the issues with them.

Why discuss "relationship problems" with anyone, who's going to take you, NOWHERE.

With someone, who's not going to be of any assistance to you. Who's going to make matters even worse.

Disowning them, the family, will be taking it to the extreme! I did that. End of Issues!

This is pretty much what i have had to do, but it is hard to resist the temptation of playing over in your head "what if i say this, or that, they will understand/be on my side/help support me/". But it is a flogging to nothing and only amplifies your stress and feeling of abandonment.

No one wants to take on the problem of mental disorders unless they have to, and they dont have to, it is easier and more palatable to go into denial and believe the "easy" story.

Absolutely - I've had a family member of mine believing the "EASY" story for more than 30 years. And they still believe it (in denial).

If I said this, or if I said that, or if I put a different slant or angle to what I said, or even if I enlarged on the story, they'd still deny it.

WHY?

I haven't  a clue. Maybe they are protecting themselves. Their emotions.

Keeping up APPEARANCES. It could be a sickness, in the family. With all due respect.

I wonder if I've got it! WHY?

Because I've been in this relationship 38 years. 32 years married. I've only started seeing that something is "radically wrong" in the last 2 1/2 years. I only found out about PD's in the last month and a half.

So , I must be "blind", as well. That's the "EASY" story, that wasn't so easy. Believe me.

[Indyan]

but it is hard to resist the temptation of playing over in your head "what if i say this, or that, they will understand/be on my side/help support me/".

That's why I said I didn't expect support. I'm not seeking anymore from them now.

But BPD is staying with them and according to T needs treatment urgently. From what I understand STPD resembles an early stage of schizophrenia. He may go to the psychiatrist and he may not. He won't inform me of this.

I'm confused here because as much as I'd decided not to communicate with his family, I do believe that when someone's seriously ill, family ought to know it.

[waverider]

but it is hard to resist the temptation of playing over in your head "what if i say this, or that, they will understand/be on my side/help support me/".

That's why I said I didn't expect support. I'm not seeking anymore from them now.

But BPD is staying with them and according to T needs treatment urgently. From what I understand STPD resembles an early stage of schizophrenia. He may go to the psychiatrist and he may not. He won't inform me of this.

I'm confused here because as much as I'd decided not to communicate with his family, I do believe that when someone's seriously ill, family ought to know it.

Would they believe you?

[waverider]

I wonder if I've got it! WHY?

You were affected by it, but deluded into thinking this was somehow "normal'. If someone had told you years ago that it wasn't, and had told you about personality disorders would you have looked into it, or would you just have denied it?

[Indyan]

Would they believe you?

That's the question. I could tell his big sister (the least blind of all IMO) to call the therapist if she wishes.

The thing is I know he'll feel even more betrayed if he gets to learn it by both the therapist and me.

I'm not even supposed to know that he wrote to the T complaining about me loads and asking for help, and that the T sent him a message to advise him to seek treatment from a psychiatrist.

I have another hope, let's admit it. It's that his family would stop enabling, or maybe enable less.

They've been encouraging his crazy thoughts and behaviour tremendously (seeing a lawyer, breaking up with me, and now looking for an appartment).

[Indyan]

You were affected by it, but deluded into thinking this was somehow "normal'. If someone had told you years ago that it wasn't, and had told you about personality disorders would you have looked into it, or would you just have denied it?

Good point.

That goes back to my last hope that maybe his family would suddenly open their eyes in the light of professional knowledge. Before, they accused me of "playing shrink".

[waverider]

At the end of the day it will be up to him to see a psychiatrist, his family couldn't make him any more than you could.

You will just end up in an awful triangle

[Lucky One]

but it is hard to resist the temptation of playing over in your head "what if i say this, or that, they will understand/be on my side/help support me/".

That's why I said I didn't expect support. I'm not seeking anymore from them now.

But BPD is staying with them and according to T needs treatment urgently. From what I understand STPD resembles an early stage of schizophrenia. He may go to the psychiatrist and he may not. He won't inform me of this.

I'm confused here because as much as I'd decided not to communicate with his family, I do believe that when someone's seriously ill, family ought to know it.

You seem to find yourself in quite a difficult situation here. Which I'm quite sure everyone on this website would be prepared to support you with.

But who's got the BEST advice, to give to you.

At the end of the day - that's going to be "YOU".

If I found myself in your situation, I'd do a couple of things:

1.) First, I'd try to determine, where I'm actually going with this.

2.) Second, I'd really analysis my own feelings about this.

3.) Third, I'd start making a plan, to start working on myself.

4.) Fourth, My Plan:

    In writing,

    Small Step by Small Step,

    Do and Think things that will make me happy,

    Do and Think things that will make my kids happy,

    Worry about my OWN health and MY kids.

    Start to-day.

5.) If Plan NOT working, revise. Daily if need be.

Just to let you know, I've got a Plan, as well. A simple one -small step by small step.

It's working, but I have to revise it, especially the analysis of what I want in the remaining portion of my life, that will make me happy.

If I'm NOT happy, then what's the use, in even trying.






   

[Lucky One]

I wonder if I've got it! WHY?

You were affected by it, but deluded into thinking this was somehow "normal'. If someone had told you years ago that it wasn't, and had told you about personality disorders would you have looked into it, or would you just have denied it?

I would have denied it. Absolutely, with no doubt.

But - Why would I look at it NOW - under a MAGNIFYING glass?

Maybe getting wiser! Or the pain is getting too much! Or enough is enough!

[formflier]

You will just end up in an awful triangle

Or... squished in the middle of a road.  If you try to be the go between to help the family... .help the T... .that is helping your husband... .that's a lot of things to be in the middle of.

Now... if the sister or someone reaches out to you... .then you can cautiously help connect them with the T... .but I would stay away from playing "telephone" or repeating things.

Focus all of your energy on you r/s... .and getting him the help he needs.  Even though it is obvious the family needs help... .don't take on that burden... .you have enough to deal with.

[flowerpath]

Indyan, my experience of describing my husband’s behavior to his siblings didn’t go well.   I thought they would help, but it turned out quite the opposite.  They flocked to his defense, excused his behavior, reinforced his criticism of me and my family, and recommended attorneys when he turned his feelings into “fact” and told them I was going to file for divorce. But I did not have such plans.  Only one of the siblings tried to get a clearer picture of what was going on and then simply attributed all of his behavior to a spiritual problem. 

When I learned about BPD and explained to that one sibling who I thought I could trust why I thought it could possibly be BPD, she shot down what I said in a split second, loud and clear, and firmly corrected my thinking! 

The relationship between his siblings and me, which previously was very good, is now damaged.  In  my case, it would have been better if I had not even mentioned the possibility of BPD.     

[MissyM]

My dBPDh's family is the source of his problems.  Thus, if they recognized his problems they would have to recognize their problems.  A family full of addicts and PDS are NOT going to look at themselves.  It makes an unhealthy family very uncomfortable to acknowledge that one of their members is mentally ill.

[waverider]

My dBPDh's family is the source of his problems.  Thus, if they recognized his problems they would have to recognize their problems.  A family full of addicts and PDS are NOT going to look at themselves.  It makes an unhealthy family very uncomfortable to acknowledge that one of their members is mentally ill.

It is hard to explain whats on the label to someone who's inside the box, they just can't see it from where they are.

[Indyan]

Indyan, my experience of describing my husband’s behavior to his siblings didn’t go well.   I thought they would help, but it turned out quite the opposite.  They flocked to his defense, excused his behavior, reinforced his criticism of me and my family, and recommended attorneys when he turned his feelings into “fact” and told them I was going to file for divorce. But I did not have such plans.  Only one of the siblings tried to get a clearer picture of what was going on and then simply attributed all of his behavior to a spiritual problem. 

When I learned about BPD and explained to that one sibling who I thought I could trust why I thought it could possibly be BPD, she shot down what I said in a split second, loud and clear, and firmly corrected my thinking! 

The relationship between his siblings and me, which previously was very good, is now damaged.  In  my case, it would have been better if I had not even mentioned the possibility of BPD.     

I have gone through all this in exactly the same way!

The thing is then he wasn't diagnosed, and I wonder whether now, hearing things from the T himself, it would be different.

[waverider]

I wonder whether now, hearing things from the T himself, it would be different.

"T's they are just quacks, nobody knows him better than his own family"... .Sound likely?

[formflier]

  I wonder whether now, hearing things from the T himself, it would be different.

That is the only chance... .IMO... .for this to work.  Very important that you are not the one inviting them to talk to T. 

If it is your partner... .and you are going along... .that could be ok.

Still... .in general... .let the family be the family.  If they haven't fixed it by now... .chances of you changing that family dynamic is small.

[Indyan]

That is the only chance... .IMO... .for this to work.  Very important that you are not the one inviting them to talk to T. 

Well, no, my idea was to suggest to the big sister to phone the T for a little update