Controlled Contact and emotional maturity

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Most NC situations are in direct conflict with demonstrating compassion.  If you have compassion as a value, you can't pick and choose who you have it for.  Therein lies the conflict.  We are going against our internal standards when we choose NC.  I think that creates the mental and emotional struggle that can lead to a victim mentality as a defense mechanism.

What I mean by this is, for example, say your ex contacts you, and you've chosen no contact as an option.  In order to justify the NC, one may get angry or go into blaming mode as a defense mechanism to resolve the cognitive dissonance.

Want2Know - what you wrote above is brilliant and a very apt representation of what myself (and I'm sure others here) are going through.

For example, if I hear my ex is spreading a rumor about me, I wouldn't call him to confront it.  Instead I would tell myself that I know the truth, and those I truly care about will understand that he has some resentment or anger that is initiating his action.  If I didn't have self-discipline, or understand that the intention to contact him is based out of my own insecurity, then I might call him and confront this with the potential for a negative interaction.

I think this is what is hard for me with the situation with my friend and the other friend.  I feel like she should know that whatever he's telling her (if he is) is not true.  But yet she has stopped speaking to me.  I know in my heart what the truth is, yet I still so easily get my feelings hurt.   

[sheepdog]

Most NC situations are in direct conflict with demonstrating compassion.  If you have compassion as a value, you can't pick and choose who you have it for.  Therein lies the conflict.  We are going against our internal standards when we choose NC.  I think that creates the mental and emotional struggle that can lead to a victim mentality as a defense mechanism.

What I mean by this is, for example, say your ex contacts you, and you've chosen no contact as an option.  In order to justify the NC, one may get angry or go into blaming mode as a defense mechanism to resolve the cognitive dissonance.

Want2Know - what you wrote above is brilliant and a very apt representation of what myself (and I'm sure others here) are going through.

For example, if I hear my ex is spreading a rumor about me, I wouldn't call him to confront it.  Instead I would tell myself that I know the truth, and those I truly care about will understand that he has some resentment or anger that is initiating his action.  If I didn't have self-discipline, or understand that the intention to contact him is based out of my own insecurity, then I might call him and confront this with the potential for a negative interaction.

I think this is what is hard for me with the situation with my friend and the other friend.  I feel like she should know that whatever he's telling her (if he is) is not true.  But yet she has stopped speaking to me.  I know in my heart what the truth is, yet I still so easily get my feelings hurt.   

[SunflowerFields]

My dear W2K... .

I was very happy to read this post

These days I mostly lurk, don't really post anymore, because my life is by and large moving leaps forward and in order.

I had a smile on my face when I read this so I had to respond.

You may remember, a few months ago, I was at this spot. In LC when I needed it myself, but able to control it. I like the term Controlled Contact. I even think you and I had a conversation about this on L6, and at that time I seem to recall you were not at the point when you thought you would be able to handle LC/CC.

Indeed, I have found (as have you) that, when we are well on our way to healing, when we have control over ourselves, and when know exactly what we want out of the communication with them, contact makes no difference. It may stir us a little, sprinkle us a little with some thoughts - and that's fine. For me, it was actually battling that stir and thoughts in a healthy way and moving even more forward that put me even further on my path to recovery.

Btw, I am back to NC with my ex, but not out of force, just because I have moved on with my life. Should he ever reappear again (and he well may), or not, I feel that will have little effect on me now

Congrats on getting this far! It is one of the last steps in the recovery process!    

[Want2know]

You may remember, a few months ago, I was at this spot. In LC when I needed it myself, but able to control it. I like the term Controlled Contact. I even think you and I had a conversation about this on L6, and at that time I seem to recall you were not at the point when you thought you would be able to handle LC/CC.

Yes, there was a point when I needed the space, and NC served a purpose.  I do think I was a bit influenced by the predominance of NC on the Leaving board, and is a reason why I wanted to post this... .as a way for those to see that CC is an option, and to discuss the internal conflict that NC can create.  Thanks for checking in!  

For example, if I hear my ex is spreading a rumor about me, I wouldn't call him to confront it.  Instead I would tell myself that I know the truth, and those I truly care about will understand that he has some resentment or anger that is initiating his action.  If I didn't have self-discipline, or understand that the intention to contact him is based out of my own insecurity, then I might call him and confront this with the potential for a negative interaction.

I think this is what is hard for me with the situation with my friend and the other friend.  I feel like she should know that whatever he's telling her (if he is) is not true.  But yet she has stopped speaking to me.  I know in my heart what the truth is, yet I still so easily get my feelings hurt.  

When you say that you know in your heart what the truth is... .that is the strength you need to draw upon when determining what type of contact you want to have with this person.  If you have hurt feelings, it might be a good thing to understand why your feelings are hurt by doing some self-analysis (ie. on L5/L6) before making a decision to contact her.

[sheepdog]

When you say that you know in your heart what the truth is... .that is the strength you need to draw upon when determining what type of contact you want to have with this person.  If you have hurt feelings, it might be a good thing to understand why your feelings are hurt by doing some self-analysis (ie. on L5/L6) before making a decision to contact her.

I will draw upon that strength today, thank you.  I do know in my heart that I was a really good friend to both of them.  if I felt/knew otherwise, I don't think this would hurt.

I have tried to post a few times on L5/L6 but there's not usually a whole lot of traffic down there.   ;p

Plus, if I post this down there now, most people who wanted to read it, would have seen it up here.

[sea5045]

Interesting, my fear is who among the people she painted me black to believe her. So when I run into her I am afraid and even paranoid of how people will respond to me... .when I do run into her it is easier just to leave the place as there are several bars or just avoid her altogether.

[Free One]

The music was great, good times with my friends, and no issues with my ex.  By the end of the night, I was sitting next him on a bench, surrounded by our friends, as if everything was "normal", and he was just someone I knew, but was not attached to.  It somewhat surreal.  I have such a history with him, but it felt like he was just a person that I knew long ago.  No emotional attachment, just peace.

So many members here struggle with NC.  I read about it every day, how NC is the only way to go.  I really believe that the goal should be CC (controlled contact), working towards being able to respond in a mature way, keeping emotions in check.  Otherwise, it's almost like being in some kind of limbo, living in "fear" of any contact.  Is that really the best thing for our progress?  What "fears" do you have regarding possible contact from your ex's?  How do you think you can get over those fears and take control over your life again? It's not about NC - it's about the fear behind any form of contact.  Let's talk about it.

I am so happy for you. I'm sure the road to this point was not easy for you. I agree completely about the CC, especially when children are involved. Thanks for the inspiration that this place can be reached.

[sea5045]

I think the more success you have with controlled contact, the more you can For example, if I hear my ex is spreading a rumor about me, I wouldn't call him to confront it.  Instead I would tell myself that I know the truth, and those I truly care about will understand that he has some resentment or anger that is initiating his action.  If I didn't have self-discipline, or understand that the intention to contact him is based out of my own insecurity, then I might call him and confront this with the potential for a negative interaction.

This is what happened to me two weeks ago but I called to confront it as I have never just had my say about what transpired. Because she ran away two years ago and is now back, she is having to face some stuff that she re-wrote, so the contact has been hateful from her. I am the triggering mechanism for her self loathing, and the hate speech email she sent me was really immature and juvenile. I was afraid of her two years ago bc she would rage at me and leave me trembling and in tears. I don't care about it anymore, so I can hear the nasty distorted stuff, and look at it with all the knowledge I have from this website.

I now know two weeks later that  I would have rather just owned my truth and let those who care about me make their own judgement, but it is what it is.  

I don't talk about her with anyone bc it was an ugly hurtful break up. And I had you guys to speak to, and all I said to our mutual friend was I got an incredibly nasty email and this is what she's been saying for the last two years, yikes. I'm not the same person I was four years ago and definitely not two years ago.

[Want2know]

I now know two weeks later that  I would have rather just owned my truth and let those who care about me make their own judgement, but it is what it is. 

It is what it is, and you now have the knowledge to do something different if it occurs again - that is what the Processing Stage of Detachment is all about.  Taking what is useful from our experiences, and changing our behavior based upon what we've learned. 

[sea5045]

I now know two weeks later that  I would have rather just owned my truth and let those who care about me make their own judgement, but it is what it is. 

It is what it is, and you now have the knowledge to do something different if it occurs again - that is what the Processing Stage of Detachment is all about.  Taking what is useful from our experiences, and changing our behavior based upon what we've learned. 

Thanks I did not realize I was in a detaching stage. Yes I am very at peace now with not having a relationship with this person, don't feel like I am missing out, and have learned alot about myself. For one, the network of people I have reached out to in the gay community and other places and new friends. I am likeable and appreciated and feel good about where I am at, if she needs to continue to make me "less" than that, that is her process and journey. One month ago I felt sad for her, now that I realize how she percieves me, I don't feel so sad. I do have more respect for what this website emphasizes as their mental illness and how it impacts their lives. But if her process involves demonizing me, it is best I stay far away. 

[Want2know]

Thanks I did not realize I was in a detaching stage. Yes I am very at peace now with not having a relationship with this person, don't feel like I am missing out, and have learned alot about myself.  

One day at a time... .as long as you are at peace, that is a good place to be.  That allows us to make better choices for ourselves, not be derailed by possible contact, and learn to have compassion for our peron with BPD, understanding the struggles of having this disorder and our role in the "dance".

[sea5045]

Yes Suzn noticed about two months ago that my responses to bumping into her were becoming less reactive. Now I am no longer nervous, just try to avoid her if I can. The fact that she feels so hateful towards me is my next step, in letting go, and I know that is the old ego thing, "I was so good to her why doesn't she recognize that?" Now I get why bc she has to devalue me...

Understanding this disorder is a huge help... .I noticed similar push/pull with the person I dated pretty quick and 7 weeks later, no feelings whatsoever...

[Want2know]

Understanding this disorder is a huge help... .I noticed similar push/pull with the person I dated pretty quick and 7 weeks later, no feelings whatsoever...

You are so right... .by understanding the disorder, and putting into perspective where her responses are coming from, it can be very helpful with managing any future contact in a way that does not have to be dramatic or conflicting.

This is an interesting read that is pertinent, if you haven't read it before:  BPD: What is it? How Can I Tell?

[maria1]

I had nearly 3 months of NC with my ex before he appeared on the dating site I was on. He was full of regret for what had happened between us and full of declarations of undying love.

During NC I had struggled- I knew that I would find it hard to ignore him if he came looking for me. I like the way it's described in this thread as cognitive dissonance- I also couldn't cope with understanding the disorder, understanding that abandonment fear is what is at the core of the disorder and yet NC feeds straight into their feelings of abandonment. That's not to say it isn't absolutely necessary. It's paradoxical that they do it to us so harshly and this website is full of pain from people suffering from being cast into the ether by their BPD exes. Yet we do it to them. I really found that impossible to reconcile.

So, when he did come back (and I think I thought he never would) I couldn't say no. BUT I had a safety net which many others don't seem to have on here. I knew absolutely that I didn't want a relationship with him. It was incredibly hard being on here in that time because hardly anybody believed me! I knew I still loved him. But I knew that he could not offer me what I wanted from a relationship. I knew that he would hurt me. Full stop. I had no doubt that this would happen if I allowed myself to open up to him emotionally.

I offered him friendship. Initially he came to my house. On 3 consecutive days. He slept in my bed one night. I could feel my emotions becoming scrambled. We weren't intimate in any way but sharing a bed was a step too far. Spending that much time together was a step too far.

I pulled back and he persisted. Ringing my land line over and over. Insisting he would take whatever I offered on any terms. I went NC again.

Over the next month he sent the odd email. He rang once and I asked him not to ring again. He sent me a free flight mask he'd got because he knew I'd appreciate it. I posted on here. People responded he was stalking me. I didn't think he was. I think he was trying to show me he could respect my boundaries and make the effort. So I went back to being friends with limitations. I tried to validate at times. The more contact I had the more he wanted.

In the end he said he couldn't see me any more, that its too painful. He says he compares everyone to me and he will never get over destroying our relationship. I found it hard to be constantly rejecting him. It wasn't a basis for a friendship. But I do still care.

Seeing him helped me work through stuff, helped me work out my own boundaries. It was hard but it was better for me than the hole that NC created. Through NC I never knew what was coming or how I had to be prepared. Now I can get on with my life. If he comes back again it's ok. My emotions aren't dependent on him. There is still an emotional reaction but its less intense. It's like an echo.

I much prefer controlled contact; it really has worked for me. I don't think it would have done if I was hoping for anything other than to offer him some support and to not abandon him. If I need to go NC again I will. There is no need because I know what my boundaries are and he does too and ultimately it's up to him whether he chooses contact on that basis.

It's been a huge growth for me, both NC and CC. It's taught me a huge amount about myself and my own emotional immaturity.

[maria1]

I should add that im under no illusions about his idealisation of me. I know it wouldn't last if I remained friends or if I went into a relationship. He seems to believe that marrying me is the answer to everything. He sees security in marriage I think. He can carry on living according to the disorder with the protection of a mother figure as a wife but only as and when he needs it. I am sure he will marry soon. If I remain in contact that will be difficult because I will have to cope with seeing it all from BPD perspective when he and new wife don't. I'm not sure that would be a position I could cope with. The most difficult part for me immediately after we split was him discussing his new woman with me and what he found lacking in her. It made me feel sick. And I couldn't deal with knowing that he was lying to her.

Radical acceptance can only go so at for me before I decide there are certain things I cannot have in my life. Again it comes back to boundaries. And again that's something I never even looked at before BPD relationship.

[Want2know]

During NC I had struggled- I knew that I would find it hard to ignore him if he came looking for me. I like the way it's described in this thread as cognitive dissonance- I also couldn't cope with understanding the disorder, understanding that abandonment fear is what is at the core of the disorder and yet NC feeds straight into their feelings of abandonment. That's not to say it isn't absolutely necessary. It's paradoxical that they do it to us so harshly and this website is full of pain from people suffering from being cast into the ether by their BPD exes. Yet we do it to them. I really found that impossible to reconcile.

Cognitive dissonance is a really important concept to understand regarding the whole No Contact aspect of detachment, and the internal conflict it can create.  

Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person. They are the guiding principles that dictate behavior and action.

The problem I see with NC and having compassion as a core value is it creates some internal conflict, or psychologically speaking, cognitive dissonance.  Our behaviors and actions do not align with something we value.  In order to correct this, we start developing thoughts to resolve the conflict that can be accompanied by feelings of anger, guilt, dread, or embarrassment.

Most NC situations are in direct conflict with demonstrating compassion.  If you have compassion as a value, you can't pick and choose who you have it for.  Therein lies the conflict.  We are going against our internal standards when we choose NC.  I think that creates the mental and emotional struggle that can lead to a victim mentality as a defense mechanism.

I think some of what is also entangled with No Contact is that it is based in fear.  Fear that we will be contacted by our ex, and immediately succumb to being in a full blown relationship with them again, which logically we know is no longer healthy.  

Part of this is because of our own lack of resolve to choose love, self-love, over fear.  If we could love and respect ourselves enough, and internalize this, the strength to handle any contact would be inherent, and there would be no fear of going through the recycling process or abuse by having contact with our pwBPD.

[maria1]

Want2know- yes you sum it up so well where I found myself. In NC I lived in fear of the next contact. The fear was about not knowing how I would react. In the end for me it was by going through contact I learned more about myself. I saw him as a dad, mentally ill person who I felt compassion for. The more I saw this the less of an affect it had on me emotionally.

NC allowed my imagination to create all sorts of other possibilities and that didn't suit me.

[patientandclear]

I could write a book on this topic at this point, but will try to be succinct.  I've been in contact with my uBPDexbf for 3 months after 10 months of NC.  I wanted to do this for the reasons W2K says (I think I explained that further up the thread).

I have found it to help me end the "what ifs" that plagued me during NC.  Maybe we could have been happy together if I'd just stuck around & waited?  That's been pretty definitively resolved.  If I had stuck around, or taken him up on his offer of some sort of undefined relationship without expectations or commitment, it would have been a train wreck.  That much, I can now accept.

But in lieu of the "what ifs," I now have a new set of painful questions.  The controlled contact I've had has not been steady or predictable.  It's had its own push-pull rhythm that I did not at first recognize.  My ex confided in me extensively and intimately, in a way that wasn't really regulated by the volume of contact (we've only seen each other five times since August; this has been mainly text and some email contact).  He expressed interest in me too.  It got to be the sort of thing that one really only does with one's intimate partner.  I liked it.  It validated all that we had together, it seemed to restore something good between us.  Then, twice already, he's withdrawn completely or nearly so, and I've endured the feelings of rejection and abandonment that come with that.  But because we aren't formally dating or anything, he doesn't feel the need to explain or be accountable around this (not that he could have been necessarily even if we had been dating).  He just re-appears when he can/wants to, and wants to carry on as we were.

I'm finding the whole thing very hard (though not harder than NC.  It is possible that all roads with pwBPD whom you care deeply about are hard, and the search for the one that feels good is futile).  I feel a bit like a vending machine that he comes to to get a sweet, affirming drink dispensed whenever that would feel good for him.  Quite different from a relationship.

Ironically, it's all uncomfortable.  When it's good, I think it is puzzling to both of us why we are not more to each other than this.  When it's broken off, his absence is painful for me.

I may just work on radical acceptance that he is going to come & go, and accept that I will be what he can accept from me, and will accept what he can give me.  Or I may need to reject the intimate part of our connection because it feels, in the end, abusive (not quite sure what rejecting it would mean as I am committed to not walking away from him entirely since I think NC hurt him badly and when I came back, I offered an enduring friendship -- I do want to come through with that, though that may need to have emotional limits I impose to try to moderate these intimacy/withdrawal cycles).

[Want2know]

Ironically, it's all uncomfortable.  When it's good, I think it is puzzling to both of us why we are not more to each other than this.  When it's broken off, his absence is painful for me.

There are different forms of controlled contact depending on what you desire.  In your case, you are looking to maintain a friendship.  For most here on the Leaving board, I would venture to say that a friendship is not what is desired.

Having a friendship with him involves emotional attachment.  That is what is making it more complex regarding the communication you are trying to maintain.  The controlled contact that comes with those who do not want a long term friendship does not involve an emotional attachment. 

You will experience some of the same behaviors that you did before, such as push/pull.  Radical acceptance and using the tools that the folks on the Staying board use may be something you need to work towards if you want to maintain a friendship with him.  The other piece is figuring out why the void exists when he is absent, and filling it on your own without relying upon another to make you feel whole.  I know you are working on this, too.  It's certainly a journey, PnC.   

[patientandclear]

Good points W2K. You're right that a friendship involves more opportunity for emotional entanglement than CC.  I'm exploring the messiness of that on the Staying board.  The line between filling the void myself & recognizing that normal healthy relationships involve a certain degree of predictability & that it can do a lot of damage to be close to someone who cannot offer that ... .that's what I'm struggling with right now.

Sorry to detour from the CC discussion ... .back to that now!

[mango_flower]

Want2know - I love this story.  Well done.

I agree that NC limits us in dealing with it all, though it may be necessary at first.

I am trying for low contact, "keeping things sweet" so to speak.

It's ok at the moment as she's happy and settled with her new fiancee, even though that hurts. But it hurts me more to be discarded from her life completely.  At least she still wants me in her life as a friend, and she's not an extreme case, so... .   

It is nice to hear a positive success story

[woofhound]

I'm glad you posted this. My ex and i used to attend music festivals together, and have gotten back together after a split twice at a music festival. We've only been split up for less than a complete month with NC, so I am absolutely terrified of seeing her there. Once when we got back together we had only been split up for about 3 weeks, and she brought her new guy (who was 9 years younger than her and barely out of highschool) with her. She broke up with him there after telling him she was still in love with me. I don't want to get back with her, but my mind always convinces me that i need her in that situation. Any advice? Feel free to PM if you like

[pari]

Beautiful post Want2know. Hope you are doing well and CC is working for you. I see your post is 2 years old. And thanks mango_flower for highlighting this.

I tried CC with my ex initially but it didn't work. He was with replacement and still angry with me that it didn't work between us. I know he wanted me in his life and offered friendship. But it was very difficult for me. He would tell me stories about his new gf, their vacation and stuff they do. Basically he had replaced our entire routine with her. Sometimes he would complain about her that she doesn't give him as much attention as me. Basically, I was hurt and broken and all of this didn't help. I tried to force NC but that didn't work too. I was addicted to my drug. So finally, after being friends for 4 months, I stopped responding to him and went NC. It's been almost a year and It actually has been helpful. I have been able to focus on myself instead of trying to help him. I think I have made great progress in embracing being on the other side. It's another matter that I still think about him, want to know how he is doing and end up googling him. I don't know when this would end. I don't know what do I need to resolve within me to move forward.

So, I wonder if CC would still work if exBPDbf is with replacement? 

[harbour]

What does it mean to go Controlled Contact?

[parisian]

Thank you . A really insightful post.

I agree, NC is useful (actually crucial) to help defuse and to deal with the overwhelming tsunami of break-up emotions as well as to start to set some self goals on the road to recovery. To examine your own issues as to why you got involved, why you stayed and so on.

I refuse to be intimidated or forever in fear of contact - mostly on account of the fact that I'm going to run into mine quite regularly. And also out of some degree of compassion (we were friends for years before our r/s). I've established occasional contact, and recently caught up with my exBPDgf as a bit of a litmus test to see how much I had detached, and how indifferent I could be. She has not been in contact with me in between me contacting her. I will just see how this all goes. The desire to want to keep catching up or having controlled contact might fizzle out once I've confirmed my detatchment and indifference.



The controlled contact I've had has not been steady or predictable.  It's had its own push-pull rhythm that I did not at first recognize... .I may just work on radical acceptance that he is going to come & go, and accept that I will be what he can accept from me, and will accept what he can give me... .I feel a bit like a vending machine that he comes to to get a sweet, affirming drink dispensed whenever that would feel good for him.  Quite different from a relationship.

The vending machine analogy is great. I understand if we have some type of CC, we are both probably explaining it to ourselves as 'friendship' but in reality, it can never be a true friendship that is experienced with normal, healthy individuals. For me it will really just be a 'checking in' with her to let her know I'm thinking of her, taking an interest in her life (it's all about them of course), hopefully in a compassionate way, but it will never be anything more than that.

[captainp]

There is a legitimate reason to be frightened by having any contact, at least for me. 

After we broke up, my ex:

1) Reframed the history of our entire relationship to make me look like an a-hole to all of our mutual friends

2) Went on a character assassination spree against me

3) Send me a bunch of angry texts messages, then called the police on me when I responded (politely).

4) Told the most insane lies about me that had the tiniest kernel of truth to them.  Mine had a really distorted view of reality, and so I'm sure she actually believed most of them. 

Anyway, my exBPD scares the crap out of me now.  What's worse, is that I suspect she knows she is scaring me, and is somewhat getting off on it. 

[parisian]

captainp, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds difficult and very painful.

I guess everyone of us has had a different experience both in our r/s, and in how they have ended.

Mine did not involve any physical violence or nasty behaviour once ended (well, not that I am aware of yet). If it had, I would not be wanting to ever have anything to do with the ex ever again either, and appreciate CC would have a very different motive behind it.

[jhkbuzz]

What a wonderful and hopeful post this is for us. I'm sure in the early days of your breakup, this wouldn't have seemed possible.

I agree... .and that is partially why I posted this, as an example to those who are in the early days of their break up.  It's about creating some goals for yourself - short term and long term.  I know when we are in the throws of emotion and the fear is that if they contact us, we either will put ourselves in the way for further "abuse" or let our emotions take over and decide to get back together with our ex's.  I went through both after my initial break up, so I do understand this. 

I wonder though, had the tone on the Leaving board been one based more on CC instead of NC, would I have matured more quickly, having seen others constructive examples of their struggles and successes.  I think we tend to "mimic" what we see, so if there is a lot of examples of folks being angry and upset, and shutting down over their ex's, it almost makes you feel like this is the norm.  I know it's a process, but I think we can raise the maturity level on this board a little higher than it is, at times.  I hope I'm not sounding judgmental, as I really do have everyone's best interest in mind.   

I understand what you mean, but in the first few months of the breakup our emotions are so raw and wildly fluctuating (and the temptation to initiate contact so strong) that the focus must be on NC - purely for survival. It's almost as though there needs to be a discussion board for folks who have gotten through the initial horror and are now seeking to heal - not simply to survive and stay in one piece.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

If CC can work for you, go for it.

for some of us, it will only make matters worse.

When i am finally healed from this emotional trauma, I do not want to know what my exgf is doing, who she is with, etc.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Done.

I do not want to know that right now, and certainly not in the future.

The only thing that matters to me is reaching the point where I no longer care, and not allowing myself to make the same mistakes again as I did with my ex.

[Seriously?]

I am glad I read this today.  My divorce hearing is in the first week of January and I have already been anxious about possibly seeing him. I may or may not. I am uncertain. I can make my goal to act with class and grace no matter what. I am afraid I will break down sobbing in front of him. I have so much grief, no real detachment, and no closure. I do have my own dignity, though, and I will make it my goal to display it. Thanks for the post!

[HappyNihilist]

The controlled contact I've had has not been steady or predictable.  It's had its own push-pull rhythm that I did not at first recognize... .I may just work on radical acceptance that he is going to come & go, and accept that I will be what he can accept from me, and will accept what he can give me... .I feel a bit like a vending machine that he comes to to get a sweet, affirming drink dispensed whenever that would feel good for him.  Quite different from a relationship.

The vending machine simile is perfect, and this is exactly how my experience with my exBPDbf has been.

We've been broken up for 9 months, and he contacts me about every 6-8 weeks or so. We will talk for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, and then that's it for another two months.

He does give me something in our interactions. We share news of mutual coworkers. We talk about work and video games. He is actually, for the most part, kind and encouraging to me. He hasn't tried to start up anything. But there is also hurtful behavior and words, and I know that I am there to fulfill his needs.

I do believe that he loves me in his way. He has said, pretty much verbatim, that we could never not have a destructive relationship because he loves me so much. (And no, I don't think I'm the only person he's ever loved this much. I know he has had at least one other very triggering exgf. She left him after 5 years.)

And I agree. We could never not have a destructive relationship. And, while I love him and care about him, I can't be friends with him. That's too close and painful. Right now, CC and radical acceptance seems to be working.