I may be co-dependent

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've never looked into this until last night. It kinda scares me a little because I seem to match the symptoms to a T. I've always felt a little different, and I knew the way I reacted to the end of relationships wasn't normal. I also had a normal relationship for 2 years prior to pwBPD that I self sabotaged a lot and could never figure out why. I'm realizing this coupled with her illness is what created a lot of the push/pull and "special connection" that we both claimed we felt. It's a bit nervous making as I kinda figured something was up due to my unstable father while growing up. Also I pretty much consider myself an alpha male, so admitting that something is wrong with me is a bit scary. Anyway, are there any other co dependents out there with some resources? I'm ready to clamp down and figure out what I need to do set myself free of my own destructive traits.

[mrshambles]

I've never looked into this until last night. It kinda scares me a little because I seem to match the symptoms to a T. I've always felt a little different, and I knew the way I reacted to the end of relationships wasn't normal. I also had a normal relationship for 2 years prior to pwBPD that I self sabotaged a lot and could never figure out why. I'm realizing this coupled with her illness is what created a lot of the push/pull and "special connection" that we both claimed we felt. It's a bit nervous making as I kinda figured something was up due to my unstable father while growing up. Also I pretty much consider myself an alpha male, so admitting that something is wrong with me is a bit scary. Anyway, are there any other co dependents out there with some resources? I'm ready to clamp down and figure out what I need to do set myself free of my own destructive traits.

[guy4caligirl]

I feel the same towards codependency , I think I have a mild case of it , I don't seek people to make my esteem better ,

I really don't need that , but sometimes I wonder why I got sucked in my ex relation I think we start thinking of many things to ask our selves why ?

I think it's deeper than anything you can imagine , in my opinion , they have the magic to sucks in , it's not your usual love story , don't fool yourself you are just fine . They a great have a great power of seducing us . That's why its hard to let go .

[BorisAcusio]

I've never looked into this until last night. It kinda scares me a little because I seem to match the symptoms to a T. I've always felt a little different, and I knew the way I reacted to the end of relationships wasn't normal. I also had a normal relationship for 2 years prior to pwBPD that I self sabotaged a lot and could never figure out why. I'm realizing this coupled with her illness is what created a lot of the push/pull and "special connection" that we both claimed we felt. It's a bit nervous making as I kinda figured something was up due to my unstable father while growing up. Also I pretty much consider myself an alpha male, so admitting that something is wrong with me is a bit scary. Anyway, are there any other co dependents out there with some resources? I'm ready to clamp down and figure out what I need to do set myself free of my own destructive traits.

Well, for me, that was the first clue that I may not be codependent at all but a vulnerable narcissist. An eleveted view of myself, strong and independent, easily shutting out people of my life, the feeling that I'm about to do great achievments, a self-ascribed alpha male with strong boundaries and the ability to attract women, just like my BPD ex do had the skillset to attract suitable white knights. That was the facade I managed to keep up for long. Deep down, still vulnerable, unsecure, fear of being abandoned, rejected. Staggering into a beautiful woman in despair taking me to the pedestal for sorting out her low, even non-functional life was the ultimate narcissistic supply. She loved that I had a strong opinion about her and how to lead her life. It made her feel safe. From that on my self-worth was actually based on her reactions, the so-called unhealthy fusion of psyches, eventually, when the fantasy inevitably failed(I became the punitive parent), we both went into our own crisis mode. I ended up in a textbook narcissistic withdrawal, she was cheating, and actively finding a replacement to replay the broken fantasy and regain the lost security.

[Skip]

Small point - codependency is a condition.  There may or may not be more seriously underlying matters.

Well, for me, that was the first clue that I may not be codependent at all but a vulnerable narcissist. An eleveted view of myself, strong and independent, easily shutting out people of my life, the feeling that I'm about to do great achievments, a self-ascribed alpha male with strong boundaries and the ability to attract women, just like my BPD ex do had the skillset to attract suitable white knights.

You probably not alone with this.  Self-awareness is a start.   

[Elpis]

Honestly, I think if you took a poll of those of us recovering from a BPD relationship a great deal of us would fit the codependent criteria. I know I sure do, though i'm an alpha nothing. But the fact that I spent years changing my own self and life to fit around my uBPDh's behaviors showed me just how far into it i'd fallen. I mean, there's being respectful and kind to others and then there's modifying EVERYthing including friendships to fit into what was acceptable to him--so I guess it's an issue of how extremely we modify.

From the article here on Codependency https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Burn defines a codependent relationships as a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables the other person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

That was my job as the codependent in my relationship, I changed so much about who I essentially am to keep him happy.

It's not the worst thing we'll ever do, and when we learn from it the growth is amazing!