I Now Join The Ranks...

[Turkish]

... .of those whose Ex's marry their replacement.

6 year r/s, D2, S4. She ended our r/s August of 2013. That was two weeks after she asked me to buy her a new car ($40k Suv), but she already had a replacement lined up which I learned about 2 weeks later. 4 months living with us, while she was neglectful to the kids (and they knew it), before she moved out in Feb.

I blocked her on FB two months before she moved out. I told my friends whom she didnt purge to not tel, me anything. She recently left for 11 days over seas. An unnecessary trip, couched as carrer enhacement. My secrect squirrel called me tonight, and told me she posted she was engaged. Apparently, he came on the trip, too.

O refused to set up Skype before she left. Even my T validated my choice. We are on a 3-2-2-3 schedule, the threes being the weekends. Neither I nor our children are responsible for her emotions. She called her brother through FB last night when we were at the ex in laws. The kids barely wanted to talk to her, S4 not at all. I don't alienate. We pray for her safety each night...

So now what do I deal with, reality? She doesnt come back for 6 days. I saw her family today. They said nothing, not that I think water is thicker than blood, but still. So now things change again, just when I was settling.

All in all, I'm ok. It's not like I expected her to remain a nun. And if we didnt have children,.I might not be here. So I processing how to deal. I have the kids until next Thurs.  We have stuff planned. Given her 11 day abandonment, she may have issues with them upon her return. Not my problem, but I guess it will be.

[Mutt]

Hi Turkish,

I'm sorry to hear the news. How did it feel? Were you stunned?

A word of advice.

This may trigger anxiety, stress, emotional dysregulations. It may or may not make things difficult for you and your family. I understand you're somewhat low contact and keep in touch for the kids. I may want to distance myself, set firmer boundaries. That said you know her best.

[Turkish]

Hi Turkish,

I'm sorry to hear the news. How did it feel? Were you stunned?

A word of advice.

This may trigger anxiety, stress, emotional dysregulations. It may or may not make things difficult for you and your family. I understand you're somewhat low contact and keep in touch for the kids. I may want to distance myself, set firmer boundaries. That said you know her best.

I like to say that this was not unexpected, but I am shocked. I'm angry enough that she abandoned her little children for a week and a half, but apparently, this turns out to be a romantic pre-honeymoon. Her first, bf/fiancee second (really the same thing), kids distant third.

I'll work out out to deal with the kids on the CP board, because now I will be forced to deal with new stapdad at some point. All in all, I think a relationship based upon betrayal, lies, and neglect of your own children is a brilliant foundation for a marriage. The guy's still an undergrad, and she's a 32 year old semi-professional. Things will change once they move in together, and reality meets fantasy. If he can keep it up, then more power to him.

I know I was used, in a way, to get over her fantasy of an exbf who cheated on and dumped her (she still referred to him as "my Husband X" as if writing and thinking that would make it true. I was used to give her kids from a healthy father, though she had unprotected sex with that bf for 8 months (it never took), and a brief bf after that whom she didn't love. I went into everything eyes wide shut, despite it all. I changed my life forever more due to my choices. You are right about boundaries. They come down harder now. Some couples have a great r/s with their exes, even spending holidays together. I think I could do that, but not with the homewrecker. I can give myself closure, but I am still very angry about her neglect, as well as the ongoing invalidation and parentification of our children. I speak for my children, because they can't. Yet.

[Mutt]

Anger justifiable. You feel used, kids parentified, broke a home with a good man and father.

He may or may not become step-dad. Engagement may trigger it or not for one or both. Don't put the cart before the horse   There's still walking down the aisle.

The romance is whirlwind?  

Strengthen boundaries, perhaps not high walls? Disappointing co-parenting and friendship with a pwBPD post break-up. It's tough.

Voice and protect the children as much as possible a must. Find time to take care of you.

I am sorry you and your kids are going through this.

Above all, you're a good dad, did the best you could with ex. Nothing more, nothing less.

[maxen]

i'm speechless.

[Ripped Heart]

Wow, really sorry to hear the news Turkish 

I can understand that you would have expected this but the news is shocking all the same.

Given what you know from being on this site, I think you know which direction this is heading. My exBPDgf brought up marriage before we even met, talked to my mother about being her DIL within a month and was passing hints constantly from about 3 weeks onwards. Despite the fact it had always been her dream to get married, at 44 she never has been. Her relationships never got that far.

You know the train wreck which is coming and it should also serve as some validation to you that the disorder is still very much there in full effect. There can only ever be one possible outcome.

I echo Mutt's comments here, right now you have to do what you can for you and to protect your children. You are unable to control what is going to happen but you have the insight and knowledge. You are a good father and you know that you have the power within you to give your children the security and safety from the madness they deserve and need right now.

[myself]

Sorry to hear. You're strong and capable and your kids are fortunate to have you.

Getting engaged doesn't always lead to happily ever after. Very often the reason it even comes about is due to push and pull between the participants. Someone's trying to hang onto the other, manipulate the other, etc. Hard to know what's really going on, or how it'll play out.

On the bright side, if it turns out well for her, that's better for everyone. Fingers crossed.

[Turkish]

Thanks for the support, everyone. Yes, songbook, if it turns out ok, then it's best for everyone. I put a call in to the T to get advice on  what's acceptable for me to say and do now that the game has changed. She's idealized him like a past bf. I saw some of what she was writing to him, and if he bought into the fantasy, then he isn't exactly healthy either. She never idealized me like that. If he treats the kids well, then so be it. Knowing her, she's going to break it to the kids wrongly. I'll deal with that soon. 2 little kids and two teenagers, basically. How did I get so lucky? I know. I had an out, but I agreed to our one recycle, being "forced" into therapy then, which she also abandoned. My choice, my life.

[Left broken and confused]

It truly amazes me every day how they can just seem to go on to the next on and seem to be happy. I know it isn't true happiness but we are the ones stuck here hurting picking up the pieces of our lives all because we wanted to love them.

I really truly am sorry for your pain and what your children will have to deal with