Abandonment

[Jack2727]

Good morning!

The one aspect that still bothers me and probably will for some time is being abandoned. I guess my rational mind and experience in relationships tells me that when two people break up there is always a period where you still talk. Not with this ex.

It's just hard to accept that she is gone. I find myself wanting to reach out to her mom and best friend to see why. How can you talk to someone, share experiences, and be close/or in her case, not so close for seven months and just disappear?

That is the one thing that really is bothering me. Why? I keep asking myself that.

I guess a show of hands. How many of you, regardless of length of relationship, had your BPD ex pretty much just disappear?

[Confused?]

I haven't had much experience with dating. But in a healthy relationship I feel that a break up is relatively mutual. You can see maybe that you just don't have the love for one another anymore or you have been arguing over a lot of things. These break ups are a lot different. They tend to be sudden. One day everything could be good the next they are gone. It leaves us with a lot of unanswered questions. Not to mention a lot of the time it was them that left so we ourselves are scratching our heads asking what we did wrong. We may have been in toxic relationships but we did all we could to show how much we loved them. It leaves is feeling if there was more we could do and feeling shame and guilt when in reality there was nothing we could do differently.

[Mutt]

Jack2727, Confused? raises a point.

Many members will attest to lack of closure and I'll raise my hand. I didn't get closure. When healthy adults end a relationship they'll give each other closure.

I hear you on how difficult lack of closure is. Very difficult, I'm sorry. An option. Find it to give yourself closure. I can relate.

I'll echo Closure? These relationship break-UPS gave their own difficulty curve. My ex copes very differently than I. It took time for me to recoup and feel better whereas she started a relationship before ours ended and they overlapped. I was abandoned and the abandonment depression was hard.

The wounds will heal and bring valuable life lessons in contrast to my ex, she's repeating a pattern, lacks impulse control and doesn't from her previous actions. She carries her core trauma from one r/s to the next.

[Infern0]

Mine didn't dissapear but I certainly never got closure.

I was presented with a list of reasons which made no sense. "you couldn't be there for me", "you never acted like you missed me" etc etc.

When I pulled up the flawed logic I got "I need to work on myself right now", "it's just not our time" etc etc etc.

She never did give me a legitimate reason, because there wasn't one, some switch in her brain just flipped from idealize to devalue for no ascertainable reason, and before I knew it she'd gone.

[JRT]

I was with mine for 2 years and was engaged... .,she had JUST moved in and was only living with my daughter and I for 3 weeks... .although we had recycled several times, she swore that this time it was forever (this was before I had an idea about BPD)... .ours was not a raucous and stormy relationship like many of the ones that I read about here... .while there were some things that I felt were a bit 'off' and concerning, she was a waif and there was not so much as any arguments, EVER!

So as she moved in (stress) her 18 year old son moved out (abandonment trigger) and then I go out of town on business (abandonment trigger) ... .all was normal until the next day when I received a text "our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me" and that's pretty much that last I heard from her... .she blocked me from calling on all of my lines, from texting, from email and on social media (where she blocked me, unfriended all of my friends and compelled her friends and family , somehow, to do the same!). You should see the look on the face of people that I tell this to... .its like I was telling the story of something as incredulous as an alien landing. It's so unbelievable that I often times have them ask me or look at me in THAT way; 'what are you not telling me' One person insisted that I must have been beating her to justify that kind of a reaction (I have to agree with him as it certainly seems that way!)!

I am pissed that I don't have closure either, its been 3.5 months. I actually spoke to her dad who was pretty disappointed in her but couldn't really get her to even talk to him so that HE could have an understanding. The most he did was tell me that it was not my fault and point out that she had done this to every man in her life.  Her sister and I exchanged some emails but she pretty much marched in line with her sister.

[CloseToFreedom]

You have to make closure yourself. It's the only way.

Mine went away after another heated argument and just never came back. I've tried emailing her various times but it only results in her blaming me for everything. It's been 4 intense years, with 1 year of living together, but its just different for them. She got over it pretty fast, started dating pretty fast and has a replacement 7 weeks in. Me, I've been through 7 weeks of hell and only now starting to feel a bit better. I can tell you this, the way I cope with it (grieving) is the normal way.

For me, it helps that she has a replacement now. It's the death of hope, and it gives me closure.

[drummerboy]

Yep, mine just vanished into thin air after 5 months of 24/7 contact. Two weeks before she disappeared she told her dad that she had never loved a man liked she loved me, 14 days later, total NC and we didn't even have an argument. A mutual friend said she just went underground for 6 months after she broke it off, didn't go out, didn't go on Facebook, just went in a cave. Blocked me in every way. Still don't know what I did wrong in her eyes but don't care anymore. Her dumping me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Caredverymuch]

Good morning!

The one aspect that still bothers me and probably will for some time is being abandoned. I guess my rational mind and experience in relationships tells me that when two people break up there is always a period where you still talk. Not with this ex.

It's just hard to accept that she is gone. I find myself wanting to reach out to her mom and best friend to see why. How can you talk to someone, share experiences, and be close/or in her case, not so close for seven months and just disappear?

That is the one thing that really is bothering me. Why? I keep asking myself that.

I guess a show of hands. How many of you, regardless of length of relationship, had your BPD ex pretty much just disappear?

100% the same.  Its horrific to try to understand how you grow together w someone to that degree and the just up and walk out and never look back.  That was the most painful part of the experience for me. Now being further detached I can depersonalize as I understand the d/o but I would never go back as if your partner can up and leave you like that there is no trust at all in anything they say.  The disorder.  They just disappear.

[NYMike]

The abandonment has been the most painful thing for me.

I caught mine in many lies,cons and manipulation and confronted her.She then had no answer and that was the end of me.I have not heard from her in 37 days.

She vanished and I am left with so many questions and left to clean up the mess.

This has been hell on me and I am in the process of grieving.I lost 39 lbs to date.I am on depression meds and going to T every week.

I truly loved this woman and we had plans to get married.I feel betrayed,conned,lied to,decieved and abandoned.I feel like I got hustled and I feel like a fool.

[dobie]

Resentment over money mainly was one of the reasons even saying she felt annoyed i spent so much on her bdays as that made her feel she had to spend the same .

ummmm apparently not smiling when i came to pick her up from work (although she concided i had more of an effort )

complaining before we were due to go out (happened a handful of times )

not coming up with new and fun things to do

saying we had become friends due to lack of sex and not sleeping in  same bed (again initiated by her)

real reason she was out enjoying the single life behind my back is totally imature and selfish and not capable of progressing beyond the initial attraction/excitment stage of a r/s

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine was a little different; she left me emotionally while we were still allegedly in a relationship, the vitriol kept escalating, and when I'd had enough I left her.  Turns out she was having at least emotional affairs with a few other people, and the more she was getting her attachment needs met elsewhere the less I mattered.  I've known this girl off and on for decades and once I let go of the denial the pattern becomes clear: she doesn't usually leave anyone, she gets left.  She does what she does, running with the strongly held belief that a woman 'controls the world' of the man she's in a relationship with, which gives her the freedom to do as she pleases, and also puts her in control of how close she is emotionally so she can manage the abandonment/engulfment push/pull.  And since she's convinced everyone will leave anyway, she populates her life with a constant stream of suitors, and if one leaves, hey there are others.  Why would I even consider such an arrangement you ask?  Well, borderline idealization is a great buzz and I was susceptible, naive and in denial.  Got burned, went to borderline school in pain, graduated, grew up some.  Whew!  Thats one way to grow up I guess, whatever it takes... .

[JRT]

I am sorry that everyone had to experience all of this... .what a horrible thing, sometimes I feel like I stepped on a landmine... .

For those that had their BPD vanish suddenly and without warning where they had blocked you or denied communication, was there a point where you had heard back from them even if it was months or even years later?

[downwhim]

Got burned, went to borderline school in pain, graduated, grew up some.  Whew!  Thats one way to grow up I guess, whatever it takes... .

I think being abandoned is probably my hardest part to deal with in all of this. So much time was spent together and not all of it bad. I thought he loved me, at least he seemed that he did many times and asked me at the time sincerely to marry him.

Being left alone to figure this all out and get into BPD school and learn what I was living has been amazing. My life was predictable. There was a pattern to the madness. It was only a matter of time until he vanished suddenly. The table was set with the silent treatment, picking fights, splitting, etc. I just needed to show up.

[CloseToFreedom]

Mine was a little different; she left me emotionally while we were still allegedly in a relationship, the vitriol kept escalating, and when I'd had enough I left her.  Turns out she was having at least emotional affairs with a few other people, and the more she was getting her attachment needs met elsewhere the less I mattered.  I've known this girl off and on for decades and once I let go of the denial the pattern becomes clear: she doesn't usually leave anyone, she gets left.  She does what she does, running with the strongly held belief that a woman 'controls the world' of the man she's in a relationship with, which gives her the freedom to do as she pleases, and also puts her in control of how close she is emotionally so she can manage the abandonment/engulfment push/pull.  And since she's convinced everyone will leave anyway, she populates her life with a constant stream of suitors, and if one leaves, hey there are others.  Why would I even consider such an arrangement you ask?  Well, borderline idealization is a great buzz and I was susceptible, naive and in denial.  Got burned, went to borderline school in pain, graduated, grew up some.  Whew!  Thats one way to grow up I guess, whatever it takes... .

This sounds familiar. In the 10 times we broke up, I did it most of the time. But it felt like I had no other option, because I wasn't getting any love or affection, only misery.

[Jack2727]

The thing is now that I don't blame myself. If she didn't have a mental disorder we'd be still together and I know she would have given me what I deserved.

The abandonment through still bites at me the most. I think I am beyond the addiction stage and now in the reflection period. When someone drops you like this it just makes you really think about what parts of your relationship were real and which were full of lies. I really think the grand lesson for me is not to get involved again with a BPD. You can't be too trusting unfortunately.

There is also a term called branch swinging. A lot of BPDs cannot exit one relationship without having another one in the cards. I suspect my ex met someone around Thanksgiving or reconnected with the ex fiancee.

At Thanksgiving there were several instances. We signed up for a turkey trot race. I had suggested we do it as a couple thing for fun. Not for competition. The whole race she pretty much ran by herself. I was pissed off at her because I wanted us just to run together and have fun and she didnt want to do it. Later that weekend, we were at her friends house and she was constantly on her phone texting with her friend Amy. So preoccupied that she took the phone into the bathroom to text with her. Just there were these gut things, intuitions.

Her patterns also changed in the three weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. She would "go to bed early" and then say the next day she was "tired". And would be constantly busy. She also admitted to me that she was still thinking about her ex.

In the end, her line was that we didnt have chemistry or a spark. She gave the same line that she wasnt going to date anyone. But this the same person who can never be alone? Same person who would talk to me 24/7 for seven months. Same person who broke up with me three days before Christmas.

It's been 2 weeks of NC for me. I can only imagine what she has been doing. I've been trying to shift my attention off of her and unto me. I'd say I feel better but the whole abandonment thing really still stings.

I guess the thing is that fact I don't believe her. For me, I'd rather know she was betraying me and know my intuition was right than thinking I was reading into things too much. Oh well!

[Tim300]

I would never go back as if your partner can up and leave you like that there is no trust at all in anything they say. 

Yeah, it's just an absolute deal-breaker.