Are we allowed to get angry?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I find myself asking "When is it my turn to express my anger?"  It seems he can get angry at me for days on end for the smallest thing but as soon as I might display some anger I am the worst person in the world. Does this happen to other people? I find as a result I am bottling it up and that is causing me physical pain now (shoulders, chest). Do you think that pwBPD are incapable of processing any negative emotion?

[believer55]

I find myself asking "When is it my turn to express my anger?"  It seems he can get angry at me for days on end for the smallest thing but as soon as I might display some anger I am the worst person in the world. Does this happen to other people? I find as a result I am bottling it up and that is causing me physical pain now (shoulders, chest). Do you think that pwBPD are incapable of processing any negative emotion?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SlyQQ]

 if they understand on some level you are trying to help them in fact it is good for them they often are lost and look to others for guidence it is best to acomplish by speaking quietly an understanding but sometime it is also neccasary to lay the law down the trick is picking those circumstances that need it e.g. when there actions have caused them injury an they want to repeat it a firm stance and hold your ground escalating if neccasary ( e.g. drink driving )

[4kidz]

my feelings/experience- No we are not allowed to get angry... .When we do we become the evil one and end up receiving the silent treatment, dysregulation, accusations that we have anger and emotional problems... In the 15 years I have known my UBPDW I can honestly say that if I have expressed UNPROVOKED anger 5 times it would be alot. Each and every instance left me wishing I never said a word. Some of the accusations thrown at me were mind boggling( no surprise there). I am in the midst of being painted black for being angry about something back in late September. Still paying the price and hating life right now...

[maxen]

believer, you're describing a very difficult but common BPD situation. but by saying "are we allowed" you're locating the authority in the other party. do you feel you have a right to anger?

that said, this thread is in "Staying," and if you mean to stay, there are more and less effective ways to communicate. under no circumstances do you (or anyone) have to be treated abusively. but how do you tell your SO this? we have resources on establishing boundaries, and the modes of communication. here are three:

Validation and BPD

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

please have a read through those (we have others, too). do you think any of those modes could work?

[EaglesJuju]

Expressing and displaying anger can be tricky with a pwBPD.  In the past, I would bottle up all my anger/frustration.  It would usually end up with me getting more angry for suppressing, and then eventually I would  explode. This made everything exponentially worse. Denying my own feelings was/is not healthy.  

I found a way to constructive express my anger. Instead of yelling, or saying something in a hostile/sarcastic tone, or reacting immediately, I take a moment to calm myself. In a more calm state, I use SET and express my anger.  

I started worrying less about his reactions to my feelings. If he is allowed to have feelings/emotions, I should be able to as well. I need to take care of myself first. Expressing my feelings/emotions are a part of me taking care of my own needs.

[maxsterling]

Anger is an emotion that you can't help.  It happens.

What is controllable is your reaction to the anger.

You are certainly allowed to be angry.  But it's best to find constructive outlets for that anger rather than take it out on other people.  Notice the pwBPD always choose to deal with their anger by taking it out on other people.

[vortex of confusion]

Expressing and displaying anger can be tricky with a pwBPD.  In the past, I would bottle up all my anger/frustration.  It would usually end up with me getting more angry for suppressing, and then eventually I would  explode. This made everything exponentially worse. Denying my own feelings was/is not healthy.  

I have done a lot of bottling up as well. The trick for me is to find better ways of expressing things.

I have been working with my kids and, really, everyone in the house on doing a better job of expressing anger in healthy ways. My kids are probably tired of hearing this but I tell them, "It is okay to be angry. I get angry too. What is NOT okay is to be a jerk when you are angry. There is a big difference between being angry and acting on that anger in ways that are going to make things worse." I am saying that as much for the kids as I am saying it to myself and my husband.

For me, the tricky part is allowing myself to feel my feelings. And, then once I let myself feel things, I have to decide what to do with it. Do I let it go or is it something that is recurring that I can find ways to deal with in a constructive manner. It isn't easy. There for a while, my husband would take everything I said personally and would get really defensive. I could ask him a simple question and he would snap at me. I tried really hard to find constructive ways to express myself with him.

The tools here are great but there have been times when it felt like nothing worked and the only option was for me to be quiet and not say anything and look for support elsewhere. My husbands patterns are pretty ingrained and he isn't going to change much. I can mad all I want but it isn't going to change things between us.

[MaroonLiquid]

I've come to the conclusion that our anger makes them feel worse about themselves than they already do and therefore they "retreat" and paint you black because they believe that is what you are doing to them.  They just do it maliciously behind our back.  It is sad that they can't understand that you can be mad/dissappointed/hurt, and still love them. 

[maxen]

It is sad that they can't understand that you can be mad/dissappointed/hurt, and still love them.

it's tragic, really.

[whythisgirl]

I find myself asking "When is it my turn to express my anger?"  It seems he can get angry at me for days on end for the smallest thing but as soon as I might display some anger I am the worst person in the world. Does this happen to other people? I find as a result I am bottling it up and that is causing me physical pain now (shoulders, chest). Do you think that pwBPD are incapable of processing any negative emotion?

I feel your pain! I try to be mature in our arguments but goes on & on & on with insults. Then he tells me to express myself and be truthful by letting him know how I feel. when I do this I am the worst person in the world. Its almost as if he gets off on starting arguments over the smallest things. He mentioned to me that his feelings are different from other people so regardless what I say it wouldn't hurt him. I almost believe him because he can hurt me and have no remorse.

[braveSun]

I find out that over time, I tend to not allow myself to really feel my anger in full. That's not what I would like. I see that it is something I have learned to do as a young child, when one of my parents was angry a lot at home. I have learned to not show my feelings, so I would not get his rage aimed at me.

In today's situation with my SO, I feel the anger but tend to suppress it. At least for the duration of the crisis times. Another thing I do is to block it temporarily, because I don't want to escalate things. I try to use better communication style. I have used time outs, have conversations while walking outside in nature, did some deep breathing for a moment. It works good sometimes, it doesn't work good other times. I don't always get it right, sometimes because of my suppressed anger messing up my validation, or I would get lost in the small distractions and not bring closure to an important topic (garden variety dissociation). I woud get tired, like exhausted. 

Now I am in a temp NC period and I have made a space to let my feelings come out without reservations. It took me a few days to get adjusted to not 'manage' my emotions, and let it all out as is. I get huge bouts of anger and I wonder seriously 'why I am doing this'? I always kind of get in a 'doubt mode' after releasing my anger in full.

For people who have had success in healing, how did you manage over the years?

Does it get less strong, as the two of you learn to communicate better?

Is it more related to you getting better at communication, or to the real 'engagement' of your partner?

[Notwendy]

This is an interesting thread because this is what my H tells me. I have often asked him to talk about his feelings to me. This isn't easy for him. However, the one emotion he expresses without inhibition is anger. Nobody likes someone being angry at them, but I can take it when it is done in a somewhat civil way, even being yelled at for one thing would be better than the rage that spews out really hurtful things. Eventually, I will cry. Then he says "see, this is why I can't talk to you about my feelings".

However, if I bring up something I am not content with, even calmly, it is the deepest darkest wound. Also, sometimes he doesn't seem to hear me, so I speak louder and he says sharply " don't raise your voice at me". If he keeps his cool, there are a few rounds of circular speech after which he says " see, I talk to you, we've been talking all evening". Or he gets mad and the whole thing escalates.

I think I can say that there has not been one time where I opened my mouth to say something the least bit non- affirming that I have not regretted it. Can I get angry, yes, but he has such a force field around him that whatever I put out at it, comes right back at me. I used to not say anything as part of WOE. Now, I have just learned that it doesn't work. Sometimes I can get something accross in T since he won't rage in front of her and she is able to keep him focused by making it "my problem" if I do. Otherwise, I just have to take a walk, write, call my sponsor,or do something else to let off steam.

[believer55]

Thanks everyone for your interest and perspectives on this. The "allowed" bit was of course tongue in cheek in the fact that anytime I express my negative emotions (even using SET) I am blasted as being selfish and not thinking of SO. I can see a number of us bottle things up and need a safe place to deal with those emotions. Am now thinking the best place for me to do this is with a counsellor. I have good friends but feel I am talking their ears off at the moment!