Screwed by student with BPD

[UBProf]

My life has been turned upside down by a former college student of mine who has BPD. This person idolized me, and came on to me fast and furious in the beginning of our "relationship".

She was attached to me, we became best friends, super close. She even confided to me about her cutting and sexual Assualt from her older brother growing up. We would be Emailing, texting all the time.  I took her under my wing, and even made her my Graduate Assistant.  We would go to lunch/coffee almost every day. She would not go to school functions unless I was going to be there.  She was attached to me, both literally and figuratively. Then came the call to report to my schools HR.  Within two weeks, I was let go.  Lost my job of over 10 years. She lied that we had "non consentual" sex. The HR department took her side, those weak spineless HR folks.

She did have emails against me, and that's ultimately how I lost my job.  She turned on me, demonized me,  and reported me to HR just before she graduated in December... .Hum... .Abandonment issues anyone ? I feel so victimized and helpless. Now some of my trusted colleagues from my prior school are turning against me.   Why did this girl (she is 24) turn on me so quickly and cause so much pain in my life, without care or concern for my career? Or for my reputation?  I have lost my wage source, and just surviving day to day on part time work. But we were so close ... .How/why could she do this to me ... .

[JohnLove]

Hello UBProf, I'm very sorry to hear this happened to you. Life can sometimes be unfair and unjust. I hope you can regain the respect you lost and possibly have your job reinstated.

If the HR folks saw enough "evidence" in your emails with her, that might be the reason they HAD to let you go.

I don't know if you have spoken with them or been able to give your side of events.

If you knew she was BPD did you not see the red flags?... .did you not understand that you were playing with fire?... .

[Ripped Heart]

UBProf, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in right now. It must be extremely difficult when your life and livelihood is turned upside down in the way it has been.

You mention that your student had BPD, was this an official diagnosis or what you have managed to piece together following the conversations you had with her and the events that followed?

Many of us dont know the full extend of the disorder until we go searching for answers. We may understand its an attachment disorder and usually has a level of crisis behind it but the full extent is not always obvious at face value. Likewise not all pwBPD are the same.

Your profession indicates to me that you are someone who reaches out to help others, either through learning, development or self improvement so its understandable how this attachment can form. Likewise, when a student reaches out to you on such a personal level, I suspect you may have felt a certain sense of duty towards your student.

How long was the attachment before the events with HR?

I suspect you could very well be correct in your assessment if this situation arose prior to her graduation. This may have created a perceived sense of abandonment within her caused by the anxiety of her knowing the attachment may be severed at the end of term.

As to her having no care or concern for your career, there is some truth towards that. Its likely that her actions weren't out of being vindictive or meaning to cause you pain, though the actions usually have that exact effect. Its more likely that this was done as a survival mechanism at the prospect of perceived abandonment.

I noticed you posted on the undecided board, so I wondered what your ultimate goal is in this situation. From this, we can help guide you in the right direction and support you through what is most certainly a difficult time for you right now.

[UBProf]

I had no idea I was dealing with a BPD until after I was let go from my job, and have gone through counseling.  Once my psychotherapist explained what a BPD was, and the traits of a BPD, it all started to make sense as to why she did what she did (idolizing to demonizing). But how can a person so close to you, turn and ruin you ... .Inexplainable  

Yes, the emails were damaging enough for dismissal.  I had made grade concessions for her, so the HR department did what they has to do, but they definitely sided with all her other lies, and made me feel criminal... . In the world of academia, your guilty until proven innocent.  And, I was never given the opportunity to "face my accuser".

Now this person is still spreading lies about me, as somehow, my former colleagues are under the impression that I have been "stalking" her as of late, texting and emailing her.  Since being let go from the school, I have had NC with her except for one happy New Year's Day email (in a weak moment of forgiveness to her). Never heard back from her... .

[UBProf]

As a newbie to this website, I'm not sure how I ended up under "undecided".  I am looking for support, and guidance as to better understanding why this happened to me, how to stop obsessing over this situation I am now in, and how to stop these feelings of revenge. I'm not a vengeful person, and woukd never seek revenge.  But I keep thinking about this, and she just won't go away... .Still lying about me ... .

[SlyQQ]

It is the way of the disease she has on some level convinced herself what she said is true and you deserve everything coming to you it doesnt make sense its CRAZY unfortunately thats what it is crazy an it will drive you crazy if you cant except that they can be perfect chamelons at hiding it but crazy is as crazy does

[livednlearned]

That's a lot to go through, UBProf. To lose your long-time job of 10 years and have people turn against you like, people who were formerly colleagues and friends, and for HR to not give you the benefit of the doubt. Academia does not handle inquisitions very well  :'( I'm so sorry that this is tied up with the end of your relationship, and came out of left field with no warning. 

I think revenge is something we feel or want when we don't have control over the situation, and the end of BPD relationships certainly can like there is no control. And going abruptly from idealization to devaluation is traumatizing, plus there is often no closure when these relationships end. That puts a lot of the healing work on us, which is hard. It doesn't feel fair. 

When breaking up the pain is intense and your emotional temperature is at boiling level. You sometimes don't recognize yourself anymore. Overcoming anger is important to recovery, but it's also important to respect it and learn to manage it.

Be kind to yourself right now, as hard as it is. These relationships hurt like nothing else, but the healing can be profound.

[KateCat]

I'm sorry for your harsh experience.

From what I've seen, colleagues and other graduate students know, pretty much from the start, which assistants are romantic partners. If the assistantships are paid positions, there can be resentment both from colleagues and from other graduate students.

Is it possible colleagues didn't so much "turn on you" as they did "bide their time" until there was an administrative means to make their resentment known? Just asking because I have seen this happen, more than once.

You probably know exactly how to protect your career going forward: be very clear with professional boundaries and aware that the academic world is one of intimate fiefdoms that can at times operate on quiet intrigue and sudden expulsion.

This forum is a great resource for beginning to process the other wounds you are experiencing. You will see that you are not alone in these struggles. 

[cosmonaut]

I saw recently in the news that Harvard just banned professors from having romantic relationships with students.  I imagine to try and avoid these messy situations for all parties involved.  I am sorry that you are going through this pain, and I understand that you are feeling it is highly unfair - especially if she is lying about her consent.  Still, it is considered improper for those in a position of authority to become involved with subordinates.  I think you know this.  If you altered her grades, then it seems that the university had cause to let you go.  You can redeem yourself, however, and even if no one else forgives you (which I doubt), know that God will.

I would continue therapy and try to explore what lead you into this relationship, especially with the entanglements involved.  There is probably an opportunity for some serious personal growth here, and that could be a silver lining to this.  Hang in there.

Edit:  Should have said to continue therapy rather than start

[Mutt]

As a newbie to this website, I'm not sure how I ended up under "undecided".  I am looking for support, and guidance as to better understanding why this happened to me, how to stop obsessing over this situation I am now in, and how to stop these feelings of revenge. I'm not a vengeful person, and woukd never seek revenge.  But I keep thinking about this, and she just won't go away... .Still lying about me ... .

Hi UBProf,



I'm sorry to hear that.

I moved your thread to the leaving board. It'll help to sort out your experience.

You're welcome to look around and post where you see fit.

I can relate. I had many days, months where I felt anger towards my ex with many injustices.

It helps to talk.

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[borderdude]

Been there, i had a copy of this situation, but i still have my intuition , and detected several red lights. This idealization is so easily seen as love , when you are lonely, and have a struggeled past. It is time to adjust your definitions of what love is and the difference from needing.