He went back to the girl he cheated on with me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my BPD ex and I have been on/off since August. We didn't talk for four months, and then he can back and we slept together. A week later he called me saying he started seeing someone so we could be friends but couldn't sleep together anymore so I agreed. About a week after he called me on a car ride, and he offered to fix my car when I said it needed a new blinker bulb. He then started telling me he was having doubts about this girl, that she was so in love with him and he was leaving to hike the Appalachian Trail in a few months and couldn't handle the idea of hurting her down the road.
A  few days later we met up to fix my car, got dinner, and went to watch TV where he completely initiated kissing and sex with me, even after stopping a few times going "We shouldn't". I left afterwards and a few hours he called me and told me he broke up with her.
For the next few weeks, he was messaging me every day and seeing me about once a week where we would cuddle and sleep together and all of that. He would call me to vent, call me in an emergency (I picked him up when he hurt his toe hiking and couldn't walk).
He started pulling away about a week ago, not really talking to me and saying he was "busy" on the days I asked to hang out and I realized I couldn't be just friends so I said something.
He replied with "I can't give you more than friends. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you I needed us to be strictly friends and nothing more"
I tried to call him and talk about it, and he ignored me.
A few days later I saw he was back (or maybe he never left) the girl he cheated on.
I feel like I wasn't good enough, and used. I don't understand how this happened. Do they always line up women like this? I need someone to tell me he's going to do the same thing to whoever he's with, because the thought of him being happily ever after with her makes me want to cry.

[papayagirl]

So my BPD ex and I have been on/off since August. We didn't talk for four months, and then he can back and we slept together. A week later he called me saying he started seeing someone so we could be friends but couldn't sleep together anymore so I agreed. About a week after he called me on a car ride, and he offered to fix my car when I said it needed a new blinker bulb. He then started telling me he was having doubts about this girl, that she was so in love with him and he was leaving to hike the Appalachian Trail in a few months and couldn't handle the idea of hurting her down the road.
A  few days later we met up to fix my car, got dinner, and went to watch TV where he completely initiated kissing and sex with me, even after stopping a few times going "We shouldn't". I left afterwards and a few hours he called me and told me he broke up with her.
For the next few weeks, he was messaging me every day and seeing me about once a week where we would cuddle and sleep together and all of that. He would call me to vent, call me in an emergency (I picked him up when he hurt his toe hiking and couldn't walk).
He started pulling away about a week ago, not really talking to me and saying he was "busy" on the days I asked to hang out and I realized I couldn't be just friends so I said something.
He replied with "I can't give you more than friends. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you I needed us to be strictly friends and nothing more"
I tried to call him and talk about it, and he ignored me.
A few days later I saw he was back (or maybe he never left) the girl he cheated on.
I feel like I wasn't good enough, and used. I don't understand how this happened. Do they always line up women like this? I need someone to tell me he's going to do the same thing to whoever he's with, because the thought of him being happily ever after with her makes me want to cry.

[gotbushels]

Hi papayagirl   

A few days later I saw he was back (or maybe he never left) the girl he cheated on.

Sometimes pwBPDs cycle from one relationship to another, without either lasting.

I feel like I wasn't good enough, and used.

It seems like you aren't feeling preferred. Sometimes when someone else is preferred over us in a given situation, it can feel disappointing. When we've had some intimate contact with them before something like this, it can feel worse.

I don't understand how this happened.

Confusion in the non after a situation like this is quite commonplace. You aren't alone on this one.

I encourage you to continue in your recovery and wish you peace. 

[Mutt]

Hi papayagirl,

First I’d feel confused and hurt, you’re not some toy for him to play with. I’m sorry that you went through this. I agree with gotbushels I was reading what a pwBPD wrote about how the purposely avoid r/s because they know that they’re going to end up hurting someone.

I need someone to tell me he's going to do the same thing to whoever he's with, because the thought of him being happily ever after with her makes me want to cry.

Replacing someone for someone else to fix his problems isn’t going to fix them. BPD doesn’t magically get cured because he’s in a new r/s, like every r/s at the beginning there’s a honeymoon phase where every thing is perfect, that’s a magical feeling for him because he sees his partner as all perfect but when the r/s gets real and enters the next phase he starts to see the cracks in the image of the other person.

I just want to say to you don’t measure your worth with her, he can’t sustain a r/s with adult emotional intimacy intimacy triggers the disorder it’s about him, she’s not better than you your ex has a serious mental illness that won’t go away because he’s in a new r/s.

[spero]

Hi there papayagirl,

I join mutt in welcoming you to the boards. A warm welcome and 

I'm sorry about your situation, it must be really confusing for you, especially the kind of mixed signals this person has been sending you. May i just clarify if he has officially been diagnosed clinically by a professional?

A  few days later we met up to fix my car, got dinner, and went to watch TV where he completely initiated kissing and sex with me, even after stopping a few times going "We shouldn't". I left afterwards and a few hours he called me and told me he broke up with her. For the next few weeks, he was messaging me every day and seeing me about once a week where we would cuddle and sleep together and all of that. He would call me to vent, call me in an emergency (I picked him up when he hurt his toe hiking and couldn't walk).

This sends me some red  actually, it does seem like this person is using you for "supply" for his emotional needs. It is so heart breaking that while you've been kind toward him and giving him all this attention and care, he suddenly seemed to have flipped a switch later on.

He started pulling away about a week ago, not really talking to me and saying he was "busy" on the days I asked to hang out and I realized I couldn't be just friends so I said something. He replied with "I can't give you more than friends. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you I needed us to be strictly friends and nothing more"
I tried to call him and talk about it, and he ignored me.

He seems to have a "lack of commitment" and cannot stand to "be alone" if it is true that he went back to other person.
I'm sorry that he is just ignoring you like this, this must hurt especially after all the love, care and attention you've given to him.
Papayagirl, i'm really sorry for what has happened. Clearly, this person you are with has issues, it will not be for your benefit further a relationship with a person who cannot commit, but seems to be displaying "boundary" issues too.

I feel like I wasn't good enough, and used. I don't understand how this happened. Do they always line up women like this? I need someone to tell me he's going to do the same thing to whoever he's with, because the thought of him being happily ever after with her makes me want to cry.

Papayagirl, most of us asked tihs question. Why did he/she leave? was it my fault or was i not good enough? But right now your heart strings are pulled and somewhere in you, the hopes and dreams of being together with someone you've been in love ... or madly in love with has crumbled. I say this with gentleness, that while it is difficult, i guess you'd know that this isn't healthy, would you ask yourself if it be okay to go on like this? Not knowing what he would do next? The issues you see with him probably didnt just manifest over the course of your relationship.

It has probably been for him this way for a very long time. You didn't cause it, not can you fix it, and mostly unfortunately you won't be able to change it. This is the detaching board so, how can we help, Payayagirl? Its not so much about you, as it is about him. I do certainly echo mutt that this new lass he is seeing, is certainly no better than you.

Takeheart dear Payayagirl,
Spero

[Harley Quinn]

Hi papayagirl,

I'm wondering what has been happening for you since you last posted?  Any developments?

We're here for you.

Love and light x

[papayagirl]

Hi papayagirl,

I'm wondering what has been happening for you since you last posted?  Any developments?

We're here for you.

Love and light x

Hey guys, thanks for the support. Since I posted he removed me from Snapchat which really stung because that was the one form of social media he never removed me on, and it was always the way he came back. It made me feel like it's really over, like he can never come back now and he doesn't want to.
I'm still struggling. I think of him a lot and miss him a lot. I still struggle with wondering if I could have done something differently to make it work.
I have flashes of acknowledgement where I realize he was terrible to me and I deserve better, but they go as quickly as they come.

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment.  How long has it been since you parted ways?  It's OK to miss him and have all the what if's, however this sounds very much like a pattern of behaviour which is unlikely to change on his part, so there is unlikely to have been a lot you could do about that.  Only he can make that shift for himself.  I believe it's only early days yet for you, and I feel for you as that is really the toughest time so don't be hard on yourself or try to rush the grief process.  It will take as long as it takes and we are here to help you along the way. 

We all go through times where we only remember the good and all of the things that we long for, whilst minimising the bad parts of the relationship, so expect that and recognise it when it happens.  The full picture is rarely so ideal.  If he hadn't have removed you from Snapchat, do you think you would be holding out hope for reconciliation?  Perhaps he has done you a favour in allowing you to see some finality in the situation.  I know that hurts, yet it may well be that this short term pain is better than longer term suffering. 

If you haven't already read this article I can highly recommend it.  It talks about the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck, and I'd be interested to know if you feel any of these apply to you right now.  For me it was like a yardstick for me to measure my healing, as one by one I dispelled these and slowly moved myself forwards.  Let me know what you think and hang in there.  Take really really good care of yourself right now and give the love you gave him to yourself.  You need it more at this point in time.   

Love and light x