where i stand- or fall- today

[cloudten]

Well, I can't figure this out. I am failing. I am becoming ever-so more aware of my own issues.

So, for some crazy unknown reason, 10 days ago I dropped my daughter off at school and drove straight to my uBPDxbf house. It was 8am. I knew he would be there. I drove right up the drive. Walked right to his door. Knocked. He answered. We had coffee together and talked. I had no idea why I broke NC and did this. Frankly I was surprised there wasn't another girl there.

We've been in constant communication since. We've been completely together and inseparable.

Saturday night he became dysregulated while at my house. It carried on into the next morning, when he decided to leave because I had decided to take a shower. I didn't stop him from leaving, but I didn't ask him to stay either. I knew he was still dysregulated and I really wanted some space from him. After he left, my phone blew up with text messages and phone calls. He started yelling at me projecting that I was involved with someone else. When he started dropping every 4-letter word known to man, I stopped responding. He showed back up at my house a few hours later. I was there and somehow miraculously saw him pull up. I hid as far away from my front door as possible. He knocked, he tried all of his keys in the lock, he probably tried a credit card. He literally tried to break into my place. He sat outside my door for a while. Finally I texted him to go home. He did. I would have called the police if I thought that they would have actually responded. All of this was in the middle of a very dangerous ice storm yesterday... .and I am sure the police were already heavily involved with car accidents and such. Next time I will call the police for sure. But I became completely unhinged. I can't believe he tried to break in... I can't believe (you think I would know better by now) that things were so wonderful and changed so quickly.

So, he says he starts therapy this week. I told him I was meeting him at his appointment- this is two-fold. To see if he actually goes, and to satisfy my own mind that he is/is not lying. If he doesn't go to therapy, then there is no sense in me continuing to talk to him.

So- I am just unsettled completely. I can't reconcile my own feelings at this point. I know now what some of my issues are. Fortunately I have my own therapy tonight... .my therapist is in for a whopper.

So here is where I stand:

1. I know I am powerless over my addiction to my BPD

2. I have OCD, and it is causing me to destroy my relationships once i have the slightest feeling they are unfaithful/lying/etc. I obsess over the relationship.

3. He knows he has issues. He wants to get help. He says he wants me to go with him- we'll see. I don't think he will stick to it... .but then again I think he is more willing to work on his issues than 98% of other pwBPD.

I feel lost, powerless. How can I love someone so much? How do I get over past indiscretions or should i be listening to them as predictors of future behavior? If I do decide to stop all communication (again)... .how the heck do I do it? I have failed everytime... .and it seems everytime I fail I do it in worse and worse ways... .like mindlessly going to his house. I miss him. I love him. I don't think I can do this. I don't want to be one of those 20 year relationships that crash and burn.

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

I'm sorry to hear that. Don't be hard on yourself.

Saturday night he became dysregulated while at my house

He may not completely understand that it's not Ok for him to try to make his way into your house. It's a good idea to call the police. That being said.

You've been inseparable and at each others house? Maybe he got the wrong picture.

Do you think you may not be ready to leave yet?

[cloudten]

Its a good possibility that neither of us are ready to leave. I know he is "supposed" to be starting therapy this week. That little sliver of hope is still there in my mind. I want him to get the help he needs. If anyone can overcome BPD, I think this guy has a shot- although maybe I am delusional that he is different from any other BPD. I can see that he wants to be a better person.  I truly think that he does not want to continue this way.  I can't figure out if I should stick around? Could it be worth it? Possibly. I keep living in the "what-if" which I know is so wrong. What-if he gets better? What-if he becomes an amazing human being capable of affection, maturity, and empathy? How would I feel if I miss out on the "happily ever after" that just might (what-if) happen?

Maybe I am not done. I want to be done though... .in my brain, I want out. I want off the yo-yo. I want to be done. I want to stop the abuse. I want to move on. But my heart has reverted... .and I don't know that my foolish heart matches my brain.

My friend said that sometimes we just have to keep going back and eating oreos until we can't eat oreos. I keep thinking I get to that place where I can't eat any more oreos... .yet somehow I still do. My T says I have given him too many chances. I know I have given him too many chances. But I guess I feel like I see the possibility for real change with him starting T this week. But maybe I have rose colored glasses on.

[Mutt]

My friend said that sometimes we just have to keep going back and eating oreos until we can't eat oreos.

Everyone's limit is different.

I think this guy has a shot- although maybe I am delusional that he is different from any other BPD. I can see that he wants to be a better person.

Everyone's ex partner is a different person with different BPD traits. Some pwBPD many never acknowledge that they have a problems or a personality disorder. Some may seek treatment and not admit that they have issues and others may seek treatment after pressure from others and experiencing fear of abandonment. The most promising scenario is if he wants to have a desire for change.

Maybe you have rose colored glasses on or maybe not - time will tell?

Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious?