Old emails

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well while searching emails for some tax info I ran across his old emails form when he left me the first time. Wow how painful. I read them with a totally different perspective now. I see them from a better understanding of BPD that is for sure. I wish I had know about it way back then. I could have been more empathetic. I could have understood better the confusion I was experiencing.

Wow he actually says he is trying to figure out who he is and who his sense of self is. Man I feel sad for him. Man I miss him. I so wish there was a way to reach him. TO tell him how loved he is without triggering him. To tell him I get it (sort of). TO tell him I forgive him. TO tell him I love him.

[hope2727]

Well while searching emails for some tax info I ran across his old emails form when he left me the first time. Wow how painful. I read them with a totally different perspective now. I see them from a better understanding of BPD that is for sure. I wish I had know about it way back then. I could have been more empathetic. I could have understood better the confusion I was experiencing.

Wow he actually says he is trying to figure out who he is and who his sense of self is. Man I feel sad for him. Man I miss him. I so wish there was a way to reach him. TO tell him how loved he is without triggering him. To tell him I get it (sort of). TO tell him I forgive him. TO tell him I love him.

[Inside]

Tuff stuff, Hope … but thanks for sharing your feelings, including the ones we do our best around here to suppress... .   I occasionally imagine an updated conversation with my former uBPDgf, but the conclusion is as circular as our defective attempt at a stable r/s.  And as I miss what I had, I actually had nothing ... .beyond my feelings of hope and desire.  Dashed, numerous times, I now accept that.

Lost our old emails with a hard drive cleansing, eventually deleting several pages of stored documents of the same, along with a lot of ‘saved’ advice from around here... .  I’ve grown, but suspect she hasn’t, nor your ex…  They may get better at deception or coercion, but can’t repair what’s actually wrong. 

Time and distance are all that’s worked for me.  Knowledge helped, but I’d figured it out halfway through our r/s, no difference.  It’s been well over a year now - and I’ve finally quit counting! 

... .I guess it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved and never lost ... . but having experienced it at the speed of light may give a different perspective   Let’s be glad we can still love, if retrospectively

[hope2727]

Thanks for understanding. I am actually having a massive anxiety attack. I can't believe how quickly m y heart rate spiked, I broke into a sweat and I can't get the know out of my stomach. It is amazing. I intellectually know why I feel this way but I can't derail the sensations. My poor ex must have felt this times a million. The poor guy. I know I will heal i pray he will too. 

[cosmonaut]

I understand about the regrets and "what ifs".  I have those too.  I didn't know a thing about BPD while I was with my ex, and I wonder how much it might have changed things if I had.  I know for certain that it would have helped me not to take things so personally and feel like everything was falling apart when she would have her silent treatments.  I also could have been much more validating.  I kept trying to "fix" things and that almost always was interpreted by her as invalidation.  And so she'd get angry or pull away.  And I didn't understand, because I thought that I was being loving and helpful and supportive.  So, I really understand where you're coming from.  I don't know that it would have saved our relationship entirely, because she does have an array of very significant problems, but I do wonder if it might.

I wish I could talk to my ex too.  So very, very much.  I've considered trying to contact her again, but I've ultimately held off, because I know I'm a trigger and I don't want want to stir things up for her.  I think I may try someday; I dunno.  I wish I could tell her all those things you want to tell your ex, too.  There was so much that was never able to be said.  Our relationship just stopped, and there was no ending.  No final act.  It stopped midway.  So, I really understand.

[myself]

I still have most of the emails she and I sent each other, and have read through many of them since the final breakup. I won't post them because I respect the privacy of that, but if I could map them out they would show a disordered relationship quite clearly. On both sides, as I played my part for sure. You would see that no matter which angle I went at it, the puzzle could not be solved. No matter what, something in her eventually flipped and there was too much resistance, rewriting of history, etc. Despite our love.

Lack of trust in what was is key here. It warped the truth. It created FOG and pain and loss. It made each of us doubt the other, and ourselves.

My own extreme reactions? I'd either overcompensate or withdraw. Turns out there was constant push and pull between us, so much so the r/s could not bear the strain. Reading through the emails made me think of reaching out to her, hoping there would still be a flame between us, but knowing it would just burn us both again has kept me staying NC. Which I'd recommend if you're really done and moving on and letting go. If that's best for you.

[hope2727]

It made each of us doubt the other, and ourselves.

I remember thinking this at the time and it makes even more sense now.

[Inside]

What I recall after reading an old email was how nothing ever changed ... .just the same broken dynamics, with slightly varied circumstances.  Other than taking a different tact after learning of her condition, our emails from the first sign of trouble to the last days (which also never formally ended) shown little to no difference, in nearly 3 years... . 

But I also get ‘those’ feelings … like having spent Friday in ‘her town,’ knowing she was off work and likely around…  Kinda exciting, but equally sad, and ultimately more wasted thoughts because I, too, had decided it needs to remain over.  But those feelings dig in deep :'( 

What’s weird is after imagining what I’d ‘like’ to say to her if given the chance, my conclusion that it would be best to say nothing is amazingly consistent.  It would just be more of me attempting to convince her how much I loved her, in order to keep her from constantly looking for more  

We can be sorry for them, but there’s definitely a time when we must stop feeling sorry for them, it’s part of the trap.  And sorry doesn't fix a thing…