she left a long time ago

[dobie]

As painful as it is her lack of contact (I'm seven months out) her glib superficial apologies and one time "offer of friendship" as well as her reiterating to my bro last month she should have left a year ago when the push /pull came into force . explains the lack of empathy the me,me me attitude the constant needing to paint herself as the "victim" she was telling the truth she fell out of love a year and ago she was just cruising for the last year before she left .

I have no value to her

She does not miss me

She does not love me

I am only a trigger because she feels shame

She does not need or value my friendship

She is not thinking of me , or regretting a thing she made sure she is good to go before she went

She did the same to her x she will not recycle I will likely never hear from her again or if I do it will 5-10 years down the road

I am dead to her  :'(

Now I need to accept that I was used and discarded , that girl I knew and feel for has gone I will never see her or hear her say my name again

Dream over  :'(

I love her more than my arms id move a mountain for her id work three jobs to keep her but it does me no good . I can cry I can rage I can hope but she is gone ... .

I can use all the drink /drugs in the world I can attend 1000 hours of therapy but it does no good she is gone

Lean into the pain

[LeonVa]

Stay STRONG bro! We are here with you.   

Even though what you said are all true in certain ways, however, such a person has no value to you either! Trust me. Don't blame her, she has BPD, a mental illness. Sink that into your head.

I've recently talked with a diagnosed BPD girl who is in treatment. She told me that in many ways, they know what they did and they have so much shame, hate and negativity in themselves, they want to punish themselves, "Self punishment" is the word she used. 

In fact, from what I talked with her, it's quite the opposite. You are using a regular person's logic, but they are NOT regular people, they don't think like us.  Sometimes they feel they are so bad, so unworthy, they don't want to be with you in case you find out about their true self, you would abandon them. They leave because they want to do it before you do it to them. To avoid pain. 

You really can't help them unless they help themselves.

Forget her bro. You did all you can, she knows it, but she can't deal with it.  Live with peace in you knowing you did your best.

[JRT]

I've recently talked with a diagnosed BPD girl who is in treatment. She told me that in many ways, they know what they did and they have so much shame, hate and negativity in themselves, they want to punish themselves, "Self punishment" is the word she used.  

In fact, from what I talked with her, it's quite the opposite. You are using a regular person's logic, but they are NOT regular people, they don't think like us.  Sometimes they feel they are so bad, so unworthy, they don't want to be with you in case you find out about their true self, you would abandon them. They leave because they want to do it before you do it to them. To avoid pain.  

Thank you very much for sharing this. On this forum we focus on our hurt (rightfully so) and trying to understand why they did what they did, and the closest we come is speculation sometimes. We rarely hear accounts like this one straight from the horses mouth.

I was with my BPDfiance for 2 years and didn't have the acrimonious relationship like is described here over and over; it was - in fact - very pleasant. I had guessed that the BPD sufferer that you quoted above was how my ex viewed our r/s after she suddenly disappeared after having just moved in.

Thanks for posting this as it very much resonated with me.

[dobie]

Stay STRONG bro! We are here with you.  

Even though what you said are all true in certain ways, however, such a person has no value to you either! Trust me. Don't blame her, she has BPD, a mental illness. Sink that into your head.

I've recently talked with a diagnosed BPD girl who is in treatment. She told me that in many ways, they know what they did and they have so much shame, hate and negativity in themselves, they want to punish themselves, "Self punishment" is the word she used.  

In fact, from what I talked with her, it's quite the opposite. You are using a regular person's logic, but they are NOT regular people, they don't think like us.  Sometimes they feel they are so bad, so unworthy, they don't want to be with you in case you find out about their true self, you would abandon them. They leave because they want to do it before you do it to them. To avoid pain.  

You really can't help them unless they help themselves.

Forget her bro. You did all you can, she knows it, but she can't deal with it.  Live with peace in you knowing you did your best.

Thanks bro appreciate it . Its hard to think she has empathy or is hurting at all when I saw how ruthlessly she discarded and used her xbf and with me her only concern being how much money she lost leaving behind expensive wallpaper  

It's like I always knew she had this side but she kept it very hidden

Her reasons were selfish I don't think she was worried I was going to leave more she wanted more and more from me and gave less and less

She said "she didn't want to stay because of comfort and security"  does not sound like adandonment fears to me , more engulfment perhaps and just no ability to realise she is 50% of the r/s and its problems

She is truly the most selfish person I have ever known

I swear if she didn't suffer from anxiety I'd think she was aspd / sociopathic

[TheBPDSurvivor]

Dobie, I've been visiting the board every now and then and I always read some of your posts almost everyday.

This specific thread reminds me about an incident that happened in the past and I would like to share it with you.

The day my uBPDexgf discarded me in a last phone call, I searched around for hints on her FB acc and found a guy who seem to post lovey dovey messages ever since she started devaluing me before breakup. I contacted him immediately via a mobile social network and told all the story and love bombs from my ex and cautioned him to stay safe and never fall for her trap as it will only make him suffer at the end. The guy said like "The ball is in my court bro. Don't worry. I'll cause her the same pain you have now. Bye." I thought he might keep our conversation personal but he's in the honeymoon phase and never wanted to give up on that girl. This is in the late 2013. Within the next few months, he started posting so much hate messages about himself on his facebook wall and tons of sadistic pictures. I know he's painted black but I never felt pity for him as he ignored all my red flags and continued with the relationship. One can say he's so naive and sucker just by looking at his profile alone. So in late 2014, I created a fake acc with a generic name and sent friend request to him. He accepted the request within a few secs and I message him like

Me : How are you?

Him : Who is this?

Me : I'm "ex's name"

Him : I miss you soo much! I want to see you. I want to talk with you. I want a single kiss from you... .bla bla bla... .

and then I'm laughing my back off like this sucker is never going to get well in his life and blocked him and deactivated the acc.

I say this because your ex, like all our bpdfamily member's ex's are mentally retarded, completely dysfunctional and mother of all angry birds.

The only way out for all us in the leaving board is to forget all the past and look on ourselves. Dwelling up on the old thoughts is not going to get you anywhere. Period.

Get out of the mental cage you locked in yourself. Get a complete change over. Do workouts. Listen to the music. Travel around the world. We are only gifted with a single life. You only live once. Make use of it and don't waste your precious time by thinking about a stupid who has no pity or mercy. Even if she comes back or talks with you, you still won't get anywhere and do rounds with the same mental torture and her projection will also project her miserable life onto you.

Forgive yourself for falling for her in the first place and accept the fact that your next relationship is going to be awesome. Did you know People Who Go Through Painful Breakups End Up Stronger And Happier?

Read this : www.elitedaily.com/life/people-go-painful-breakups-end-stronger-happier/1015981/

Since we swam through a tormentful mindfcuking breakup, I'm sure we all will be a lot stronger and happier than the ordinary people.

The choice you make now is what holds the key to your happiness and peaceful life.

You're a beautiful person., inside out and your future is going to be awesome. Sending you much love and hugs. 

[dobie]

Dobie, I've been visiting the board every now and then and I always read some of your posts almost everyday.

This specific thread reminds me about an incident that happened in the past and I would like to share it with you.

The day my uBPDexgf discarded me in a last phone call, I searched around for hints on her FB acc and found a guy who seem to post lovey dovey messages ever since she started devaluing me before breakup. I contacted him immediately via a mobile social network and told all the story and love bombs from my ex and cautioned him to stay safe and never fall for her trap as it will only make him suffer at the end. The guy said like "The ball is in my court bro. Don't worry. I'll cause her the same pain you have now. Bye." I thought he might keep our conversation personal but he's in the honeymoon phase and never wanted to give up on that girl. This is in the late 2013. Within the next few months, he started posting so much hate messages about himself on his facebook wall and tons of sadistic pictures. I know he's painted black but I never felt pity for him as he ignored all my red flags and continued with the relationship. One can say he's so naive and sucker just by looking at his profile alone. So in late 2014, I created a fake acc with a generic name and sent friend request to him. He accepted the request within a few secs and I message him like

Me : How are you?

Him : Who is this?

Me : I'm "ex's name"

Him : I miss you soo much! I want to see you. I want to talk with you. I want a single kiss from you... .bla bla bla... .

and then I'm laughing my back off like this sucker is never going to get well in his life and blocked him and deactivated the acc.

I say this because your ex, like all our bpdfamily member's ex's are stupid, completely dysfunctional and mother of all angry birds.

The only way out for all us in the leaving board is to forget all the past and look on ourselves. Dwelling up on the old thoughts is not going to get you anywhere. Period.

Get out of the mental cage you locked in yourself. Get a complete change over. Do workouts. Listen to the music. Travel around the world. We are only gifted with a single life. You only live once. Make use of it and don't waste your precious time by thinking about a stupid who has no pity or mercy. Even if she comes back or talks with you, you still won't get anywhere and do rounds with the same mental torture and her projection will also project her miserable life onto you.

Forgive yourself for falling for her in the first place and accept the fact that your next relationship is going to be awesome. Did you know People Who Go Through Painful Breakups End Up Stronger And Happier?

Read this : www.elitedaily.com/life/people-go-painful-breakups-end-stronger-happier/1015981/

Since we swam through a tormentful mindfcuking breakup, I'm sure we all will be a lot stronger and happier than the ordinary people.

The choice you make now is what holds the key to your happiness and peaceful life.

You're a beautiful person., inside out and your future is going to be awesome. Sending you much love and hugs.  

Thanks man thats beautiful truly   I'm glad that orbiter got what he deserved

[zundertowz]

Dobie, I've been visiting the board every now and then and I always read some of your posts almost everyday.

This specific thread reminds me about an incident that happened in the past and I would like to share it with you.

The day my uBPDexgf discarded me in a last phone call, I searched around for hints on her FB acc and found a guy who seem to post lovey dovey messages ever since she started devaluing me before breakup. I contacted him immediately via a mobile social network and told all the story and love bombs from my ex and cautioned him to stay safe and never fall for her trap as it will only make him suffer at the end. The guy said like "The ball is in my court bro. Don't worry. I'll cause her the same pain you have now. Bye." I thought he might keep our conversation personal but he's in the honeymoon phase and never wanted to give up on that girl. This is in the late 2013. Within the next few months, he started posting so much hate messages about himself on his facebook wall and tons of sadistic pictures. I know he's painted black but I never felt pity for him as he ignored all my red flags and continued with the relationship. One can say he's so naive and sucker just by looking at his profile alone. So in late 2014, I created a fake acc with a generic name and sent friend request to him. He accepted the request within a few secs and I message him like

Me : How are you?

Him : Who is this?

Me : I'm "ex's name"

Him : I miss you soo much! I want to see you. I want to talk with you. I want a single kiss from you... .bla bla bla... .

and then I'm laughing my back off like this sucker is never going to get well in his life and blocked him and deactivated the acc.

I say this because your ex, like all our bpdfamily member's ex's are mentally retarded, completely dysfunctional and mother of all angry birds.

The only way out for all us in the leaving board is to forget all the past and look on ourselves. Dwelling up on the old thoughts is not going to get you anywhere. Period.

Get out of the mental cage you locked in yourself. Get a complete change over. Do workouts. Listen to the music. Travel around the world. We are only gifted with a single life. You only live once. Make use of it and don't waste your precious time by thinking about a stupid who has no pity or mercy. Even if she comes back or talks with you, you still won't get anywhere and do rounds with the same mental torture and her projection will also project her miserable life onto you.

Forgive yourself for falling for her in the first place and accept the fact that your next relationship is going to be awesome. Did you know People Who Go Through Painful Breakups End Up Stronger And Happier?

Read this : www.elitedaily.com/life/people-go-painful-breakups-end-stronger-happier/1015981/

Since we swam through a tormentful mindfcuking breakup, I'm sure we all will be a lot stronger and happier than the ordinary people.

The choice you make now is what holds the key to your happiness and peaceful life.

You're a beautiful person., inside out and your future is going to be awesome. Sending you much love and hugs. 

Great post!  Its easier for some to heal than others but the bottom line is the only way to heal and be happy is to try and move foward and not dwell on the past.  You would never live a happy life if she is in it... .u dont realize it yet but she is doing you a favor.

[4Years5Months]

Dobie, I have been reading your posts on here for the last several weeks.  I see the pain you are in, how you are trying to understand your ex's behavior.  I sense a lot of similarity in your behavior to mine over the last month or so after I learned I had been replaced my by BPDex of five years... .three weeks after she broke up with me for the seventh time.  Like you, I thought she no longer cared about me and had moved on.  Until she contacted me:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

Please take the time to read that thread, especially my ex's comments.  I think your ex feels the same way, even if she isn't telling you.  She loves you.  She cares about you.  And her disorder makes you a trigger.  And that is why she cannot contact you.  CANNOT.  CONTACT.  YOU.  She wants to.  She thinks about you.  She regrets how she treated you and left you.  And THAT is why you aren't hearing from her.  It's too painful to face you.  My ex struggles with seeing my NAME.  Read it.  That is what she feels for you, too.  I know it.

[dobie]

Dobie, I have been reading your posts on here for the last several weeks.  I see the pain you are in, how you are trying to understand your ex's behavior.  I sense a lot of similarity in your behavior to mine over the last month or so after I learned I had been replaced my by BPDex of five years... .three weeks after she broke up with me for the seventh time.  Like you, I thought she no longer cared about me and had moved on.  Until she contacted me:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

Please take the time to read that thread, especially my ex's comments.  I think your ex feels the same way, even if she isn't telling you.  She loves you.  She cares about you.  And her disorder makes you a trigger.  And that is why she cannot contact you.  CANNOT.  CONTACT.  YOU.  She wants to.  She thinks about you.  She regrets how she treated you and left you.  And THAT is why you aren't hearing from her.  It's too painful to face you.  My ex struggles with seeing my NAME.  Read it.  That is what she feels for you, too.  I know it.

Thank you for that 4years I literally had to leave my desk at work I was so overwhelmed with emotion bro

But my x and me were different there was no make up break up cycles no cheating that I know off I'd love to think she still loves me and misses me but the facts look so different shame yes but the rest ?

There was a few telling incidents though after we had been rowing one time she went to her friends for the weekend as she "needed to think" anyway her friend (her oldest and only friend at the time)  got drunk raged at her and chucked her out in the middle of the night and my x came home sobbing and I will never forgot what she said

"Your always there for me, your always there for me" at the time I didn't get it but I do now and I swore I would always be and I still am despite the hurt and anger .

Another time about 6-7 months before we broke up we were having a row nothing major and she just started crying hysterically and getting knife after knife from the kitchen to try and cut her wrists as well as taking all the pills she could find from the medicine cabinets luckly I managed to stop her I was so shocked we never spoke about it again but what she said has haunted me till now "please please please just let me go "  :'(

Hindsight is wonderful not !

As for the breakup it went exactly like this ... .

I'm going to Spain for a few days with xyz I'm going to miss you every day and text you

Come backs from Spain looking worried , me (never insecure) you still want to get married right ? Her yes its not like you to be insecure dobie (but I could feel it a disturbance in the force) so how were there guys out there any hot ones me laughing her worried no ermm no . (she cheated I'm sure maybe not sexually but kissing )

So she gets back from Spain and the next two weeks she is the gf from hell , temper tantrums , shouting at the dog I mean just hell on earth so I distance myself I let her come home and spend the evenings in her bedroom

We try and have sex she gets irritable shouts at me and I remember feeling so hurt and angry

After weeks of this behaviour I put up a FB status "man must be so nice to be single and live with the guys "

Well that was it I think the same day or a day later

"We need to talk my feelings have changed I'm going to stay at my sisters for a few weeks I need time to think " this is three days before my bday and im fuming I rage at her and storm out to my Bros she tells me the FB stays was the last straw

She sends texts I'm worried about you I'm sorry are you OK i just need time to think etc

I ignore I'm too angry , she worries I will try and harm myself and tells me she is not saying its over as she tells me she can't see me on my body but still wants to give me her presents she just needs time to think .

I spend my birthday alone in an empty house drinking

By Friday two days after the anger at her treatment causes me to send her a breakup message and a song telling her she is just someone I used to know

She texts me in the morning "i cried all night but fine I was not saying it was over I just wanted time to think now u can screw all those girls who you told me you could if you wanted "

I tell her she is the most beautiful woman but her treatment of me is disgusting

She replies with your no saint I'm not horrible etc

Sunday I have enough of texts and we speak on the phone at this point I'm glad its over I've had enough we have a friendly amiciable conversation where she tells me she does not love me how did I know it was over ? What do I think broke us up ? How she went to Spain to test her feelings and she didn't miss me and she has friends now so does not need me  and she needs to find herself etc etc she is shocked by how understanding and reasonable I am and tells me the relief she felt driving away on my bday (nice) how she wants to stay friends and how she can be discrete if she has a bf or I have a gf   I'm like no

Monday morning we both text each other are you OK , exchange is warm and friendly I tell her I'm blocking her on FB the night before and her family as its too painful and to tell her family its nothing personal : she tells me it hurts like I am trying to forget them but understands

Fast forward a week and I've calmed down I ask her to meet so we can talk she refuses says we have discussed everything and we can talk on the phone

When we do she screams abuse at me , I don't love you I've not loved you for a year

I don't want to see you or you will manipulate me into coming back for a year or two . I want more out of life , we bicker all the time I should have left you years ago I want romance I hate how you told me I can't find a man like you ! There's nothing left to discuss I want to eat my dinner ! All my friends got expensive engagement rings ! Anger and resentment over money a common theme for the whole of the BU I'm sick of carrying you! You don't smile when you pick me up from work ! (Bull) You moan when we do anything ! (Massive exegeration)  I don't respect you I used to hang on your every word ! You hate your job !

I've grown up ! I want to travel and you never will because of your sick father !

I want romance ! I'm like OK I just wanted to be sure you don't love me I think your a cheat her no I'm not I want to be single for a year I never get chatted up at bars you will meet someone before me (resentment)

Next day "I miss you I know its selfish but I miss you"

I reply, she tells me she shouldn't have sent that but after six years it normal to miss someone but "we are not right for each other "

Then when we talk its to discuss bussines or for her to spew more resentment and

break promises about money she owes for my birthday present or for her to charge me for an a/v cabinet she does not need she accuses me of only wanting it to sell it for a profit and that if I earnt more money I would not be upset about this BU

I text her to tell her I don't care about money or things I'm upset because six years is over ... .she texts I'm sorry I upset you x

Next morning are you OK x

I ignore I'm still angry and in shock

Hardly any contact apart from to arrange for her to get her stuff from the flat which she does

She takes everything I mean she left nothing of any value apart from stuff that is 100% mine or she does not need or is old and broken she did leave me the TV though and gave me part of the rent minus the av cabinet for two months she even try to charge me for my fathers phone bill he is fully disabled and in a care home but as I point out I've been paying it .

She says she does not want to end up like in her last r/s with nothing after

This is from a woman on 100k plus bonus a year

While I struggle on 20k

She texts me to say she took more than she said she would but she left me some towels and old bedding so thinks thats  "fair " she can't give me my birthday money for the present she told me to buy as she has to think of her now and how dificult and expensive her new flat will cost . she thanks me for being so mature and reasonable and hopes we can meet for coffee when I'm feeling better and stay friends

She steals my passport and other financial papers so in her sick mind I don't get a mortgage in joint names (impossible )

I rehome the dog before this she worries I have found him a good home I tell her to not concern herself with it and block her on FB she blocks me back a month later my dog dies I text her

She replies I'm so sorry to hear that hope your OK xx


I erupt in text rage no I am not OK you selfish b***h but never mind you are !

No response


Xmass comes and she has the cheek to send

Hi hope your having a lovely xmass ? Xxx

I'm like who is this ?

She replies "how mature "

I get home and send her an email saying I didn't realise it was from her

I get drunk and send her some silly songs taking the mickey out of her

She blocks all my family and friends on FB

I did this first to be fair explains to one mural friend if it easier if she has no links to dobie on FB


Weeks pass I get drink send various angry and heartfelt texts while drunk no response

She complains to my bro that I am acting unsettling and weird

No I'm drunk hurt and in shock !


She blocks me on wassapp and phone after I imply something she knows I'm very capable off (not my proudest moment ) but I'm drunk

Lots more filler but that's the jist

6 months after the BU I find she has stolen my passport my bro arranges to meet her to give back the last of her stuff and get mine


She rages about money I spent this and that blah blah I do care about dobie blah blah I want him to be happy blah blah I should not have ruined his bday I was a coward I should have left him a year ago as the wedding drew closer I just coulde t do it blah blah how she was surprised how well I took the BU how she was expecting me rage to go full force bro explained dobie shouts but he is not violent

How much change I had done over the years how much nicer I was

Not much apologising or introspection according to my bro he said she was giving answers like a lawyer

She admits I'm not the source of all her unhappiness and that we did have some good times

Bro calls her out why did u leave ? Because we bickered and argued about money that was it he said she looked like she really didn't know herself he felt he was talking to a child

She kept saying i couldent see him or I would go back my bro was like that's the point you work things out !

Silence

Bro was like why didn't you reach out see if he was ok ? She admits to being a coward

Bro was like do you think its fair after all he did for you the love , the support etc etc and that how you go out , she  admits I was her closest best friend she admits she should not have goaded me so much to lose my temper and pick fights and she should have left years ago


I ask bro to ask if I can email her she says yes as I'm not sure if I'm blocked no response after a month I try again with diff account she tells me

"I'm sorry I've hurt you notihng I can say will make you feel better

You a great guy with lots to offer

You will meet a lovely girl who loves you very much

We were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

I'm like whatever let's stay friends

"I don't think its a good idea if we meet two soon for both of us sorry "

My point is she is capable of talking to me when it comes to her needing something like her stuff or early on in the BU

Your x looks like even the thought of you hurts bro

Whereas mine felt shame no doubt for her bad treatment of me but love and I miss you dobie I don't see it bro ... .

I've edited out a lot of the crappy things she did and said during the last six months this is a condensed version

That's only 80% of her selfish behaviours post breakup

[dobie]

Dobie, I have been reading your posts on here for the last several weeks.  I see the pain you are in, how you are trying to understand your ex's behavior.  I sense a lot of similarity in your behavior to mine over the last month or so after I learned I had been replaced my by BPDex of five years... .three weeks after she broke up with me for the seventh time.  Like you, I thought she no longer cared about me and had moved on.  Until she contacted me:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

Please take the time to read that thread, especially my ex's comments.  I think your ex feels the same way, even if she isn't telling you.  She loves you.  She cares about you.  And her disorder makes you a trigger.  And that is why she cannot contact you.  CANNOT.  CONTACT.  YOU.  She wants to.  She thinks about you.  She regrets how she treated you and left you.  And THAT is why you aren't hearing from her.  It's too painful to face you.  My ex struggles with seeing my NAME.  Read it.  That is what she feels for you, too.  I know it.

Thank you for that 4years I literally had to leave my desk at work I was so overwhelmed with emotion bro

But my x and me were different there was no make up break up cycles no cheating that I know off I'd love to think she still loves me and misses me but the facts look so different shame yes but the rest ?

There was a few telling incidents though after we had been rowing one time she went to her friends for the weekend as she "needed to think" anyway her friend (her oldest and only friend at the time)  got drunk raged at her and chucked her out in the middle of the night and my x came home sobbing and I will never forgot what she said

"Your always there for me, your always there for me" at the time I didn't get it but I do now and I swore I would always be and I still am despite the hurt and anger .

Another time about 6-7 months before we broke up we were having a row nothing major and she just started crying hysterically and getting knife after knife from the kitchen to try and cut her wrists as well as taking all the pills she could find from the medicine cabinets luckly I managed to stop her I was so shocked we never spoke about it again but what she said has haunted me till now "please please please just let me go "  :'(

Hindsight is wonderful not !

As for the breakup it went exactly like this ... .

I'm going to Spain for a few days with xyz I'm going to miss you every day and text you

Come backs from Spain looking worried , me (never insecure) you still want to get married right ? Her yes its not like you to be insecure dobie (but I could feel it a disturbance in the force) so how were there guys out there any hot ones me laughing her worried no ermm no . (she cheated I'm sure maybe not sexually but kissing )

So she gets back from Spain and the next two weeks she is the gf from hell , temper tantrums , shouting at the dog I mean just hell on earth so I distance myself I let her come home and spend the evenings in her bedroom

We try and have sex she gets irritable shouts at me and I remember feeling so hurt and angry

After weeks of this behaviour I put up a FB status "man must be so nice to be single and live with the guys "

Well that was it I think the same day or a day later

"We need to talk my feelings have changed I'm going to stay at my sisters for a few weeks I need time to think " this is three days before my bday and im fuming I rage at her and storm out to my Bros she tells me the FB status was the last straw that and me being in a bad mood when she got back from Spain I was but for 5 mins I had bad news at work

She sends texts I'm worried about you I'm sorry are you OK i just need time to think etc

I ignore I'm too angry , she worries I will try and harm myself and tells me she is not saying its over as she tells me she can't see me on my body but still wants to give me her presents she just needs time to think . how she does not know if she will regret this in a week or month but she has to try

I spend my birthday alone in an empty house drinking

By Friday two days after the anger at her treatment causes me to send her a breakup message and a song telling her she is just someone I used to know

She texts me in the morning "i cried all night but fine I was not saying it was over I just wanted time to think now u can screw all those girls who you told me you could if you wanted "

I tell her she is the most beautiful woman but her treatment of me is disgusting

She replies with your no saint I'm not horrible etc

Sunday I have enough of texts and we speak on the phone at this point I'm glad its over I've had enough we have a friendly amiciable conversation where she tells me she is not in love with me but loves me  me how did I know it was over ? What do I think broke us up ? How she went to Spain to test her feelings and she didn't miss me and she has friends now so does not need me  and she needs to find herself etc etc she is shocked by how understanding and reasonable I am and tells me the relief she felt driving away on my bday (nice) how she wants to stay friends and how she can be discrete if she has a bf or I have a gf   I'm like no

Monday morning we both text each other are you OK , exchange is warm and friendly I tell her I'm blocking her on FB the night before and her family as its too painful and to tell her family its nothing personal : she tells me it hurts like I am trying to forget them but understands

Fast forward a week and I've calmed down I ask her to meet so we can talk she refuses says we have discussed everything and we can talk on the phone

When we do she screams abuse at me , I don't love you I've not loved you for a year

I don't want to see you or you will manipulate me into coming back for a year or two . I want more out of life , we bicker all the time I should have left you years ago I want romance I hate how you told me I can't find a man like you ! There's nothing left to discuss I want to eat my dinner ! All my friends got expensive engagement rings ! Anger and resentment over money a common theme for the whole of the BU I'm sick of carrying you! You don't smile when you pick me up from work ! (Bull) You moan when we do anything ! (Massive exegeration)  I don't respect you I used to hang on your every word ! You hate your job !

I've grown up ! I want to travel and you never will because of your sick father !

I want romance ! I'm like OK I just wanted to be sure you don't love me I think your a cheat! her no I'm not I want to be single for a year I never get chatted up at bars you will meet someone before me (resentment)

Next day "I miss you I know its selfish but I miss you"

I reply, she tells me she shouldn't have sent that but after six years it normal to miss someone but "we are not right for each other "

Then when we talk its to discuss bussines or for her to spew more resentment and

break promises about money she owes for my birthday present or for her to charge me for an a/v cabinet she does not need she accuses me of only wanting it to sell it for a profit and that if I earnt more money I would not be upset about this BU

I text her to tell her I don't care about money or things I'm upset because six years is over ... .she texts I'm sorry I upset you x

Next morning are you OK x

I ignore I'm still angry and in shock

Hardly any contact apart from to arrange for her to get her stuff from the flat which she does

She takes everything I mean she left nothing of any value apart from stuff that is 100% mine or she does not need or is old and broken she did leave me the TV though and gave me part of the rent minus the av cabinet for two months she even try to charge me for my fathers phone bill he is fully disabled and in a care home but as I point out I've been paying it .

She says she does not want to end up like in her last r/s with nothing after

This is from a woman on 100k plus bonus a year

While I struggle on 20k

She texts me to say she took more than she said she would but she left me some towels and old bedding so thinks thats  "fair " she can't give me my birthday money for the present she told me to buy as she has to think of her now and how dificult and expensive her new flat will cost . she thanks me for being so mature and reasonable and hopes we can meet for coffee when I'm feeling better and stay friends

She steals my passport and other financial papers so in her sick mind I don't get a mortgage in joint names (impossible )

I rehome the dog before this she worries I have found him a good home I tell her to not concern herself with it and block her on FB she blocks me back a month later my dog dies I text her

She replies I'm so sorry to hear that hope your OK xx


I erupt in text rage no I am not OK you selfish b***h but never mind you are !

No response


Xmass comes and she has the cheek to send

Hi hope your having a lovely xmass ? Xxx

I'm like who is this ?

She replies "how mature "

I get home and send her an email saying I didn't realise it was from her

I get drunk and send her some silly songs taking the mickey out of her

She blocks all my family and friends on FB

I did this first to be fair explains to one mural friend if it easier if she has no links to dobie on FB


Weeks pass I get drink send various angry and heartfelt texts while drunk

She calls me psychotic tells me to give her back her laptop ! And i can have my personal items and passport And all I had to do was ask , when I did she ignored me she only responds to anger and bullying  

She his from me she even took my passport

She complains to my bro that I am acting unsettling and weird

No I'm drunk hurt and in shock !

And you never respond unless I'm raging at you

She blocks me on wassapp and phone after I imply something she knows I'm very capable off (not my proudest moment ) but I'm drunk

Lots more filler but that's the jist

6 months after the BU I find she has stolen my passport my bro arranges to meet her to give back the last of her stuff and get mine


She rages about money I spent this and that blah blah I do care about dobie blah blah I want him to be happy blah blah I should not have ruined his bday I was a coward I should have left him a year ago as the wedding drew closer I just coulde t do it blah blah how she was surprised how well I took the BU how she was expecting me rage to go full force bro explained dobie shouts but he is not violent

How much change I had done over the years how much nicer I was

Not much apologising or introspection according to my bro he said she was giving answers like a lawyer

She admits I'm not the source of all her unhappiness and that we did have some good times

Bro calls her out why did u leave ? Because we bickered and argued about money that was it he said she looked like she really didn't know herself he felt he was talking to a child

She kept saying i couldent see him or I would go back my bro was like that's the point you work things out !

Silence

Bro was like why didn't you reach out see if he was ok ? She admits to being a coward

Bro was like do you think its fair after all he did for you the love , the support etc etc and that how you go out , she  admits I was her closest best friend she admits she should not have goaded me so much to lose my temper and pick fights and she should have left years ago not take me to wedding venues a month before but she was hoping things would get better


I ask bro to ask if I can email her she says yes as I'm not sure if I'm blocked no response after a month I try again with diff account she tells me

"I'm sorry I've hurt you notihng I can say will make you feel better

You a great guy with lots to offer

You will meet a lovely girl who loves you very much

We were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

I'm like whatever let's stay friends

"I don't think its a good idea if we meet two soon for both of us sorry "

My point is she is capable of talking to me when it comes to her needing something like her stuff or early on in the BU

Your x looks like even the thought of you hurts bro

Whereas mine felt shame no doubt for her bad treatment of me but love and I miss you dobie I don't see it bro ... .Selfish and a coward yes

I've edited out a lot of the crappy things she did and said during the last six months this is a condensed version

That's only 80% of her selfish behaviours post breakup

[dobie]

She also told my bro she does not have a bf (bs) random hookups don't count i guess  


One of her reasons for leaving was because she didn't know who she was all my ideas were here ideas etc

She was worrying about getting to 30 and being boring or stuck in a rut (never said ) post BU but close to it

She could see our lives for the next 5-10 years blah blah

I've not cared about your career for over a year (she left because I'm not ambitious enough )

I don't need a man who cooks and cleans

Not that I ever stopped her doing what she wanted or finding herself which she admitted

So selfish self obsessed oblivious to the hurt and damage sure  but loves me ? Misses me ?

I don't see any proof none ... .

In fact her "you will meet a great girls who loves" you implies the opposite

She handled the BU with SOME compasion in the first week or two then the real raging and resentment started

The total me , me , me ,me behaviours

Every time I tried to be reasonable and forgive she did something so lacking in empathy that I lost my cool

She told me when I said we had been together for 6.5 years she shouted its six ! I said I haven't seen you for over two weeks And she said its been longer than that because I was in Spain and in my room! (Object permanence)

She wanted me to be horrible to be angry so I can be the bad guy I screwed up a few times when drunk with a few texts buts that's it