Dobie, I have been reading your posts on here for the last several weeks. I see the pain you are in, how you are trying to understand your ex's behavior. I sense a lot of similarity in your behavior to mine over the last month or so after I learned I had been replaced my by BPDex of five years... .three weeks after she broke up with me for the seventh time. Like you, I thought she no longer cared about me and had moved on. Until she contacted me:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;allPlease take the time to read that thread, especially my ex's comments. I think your ex feels the same way, even if she isn't telling you. She loves you. She cares about you. And her disorder makes you a trigger. And that is why she cannot contact you. CANNOT. CONTACT. YOU. She wants to. She thinks about you. She regrets how she treated you and left you. And THAT is why you aren't hearing from her. It's too painful to face you. My ex struggles with seeing my NAME. Read it. That is what she feels for you, too. I know it.
Thank you for that 4years I literally had to leave my desk at work I was so overwhelmed with emotion bro
But my x and me were different there was no make up break up cycles no cheating that I know off I'd love to think she still loves me and misses me but the facts look so different shame yes but the rest ?
There was a few telling incidents though after we had been rowing one time she went to her friends for the weekend as she "needed to think" anyway her friend (her oldest and only friend at the time) got drunk raged at her and chucked her out in the middle of the night and my x came home sobbing and I will never forgot what she said
"Your always there for me, your always there for me" at the time I didn't get it but I do now and I swore I would always be and I still am despite the hurt and anger .
Another time about 6-7 months before we broke up we were having a row nothing major and she just started crying hysterically and getting knife after knife from the kitchen to try and cut her wrists as well as taking all the pills she could find from the medicine cabinets luckly I managed to stop her I was so shocked we never spoke about it again but what she said has haunted me till now "please please please just let me go " :'(
Hindsight is wonderful not !
As for the breakup it went exactly like this ... .
I'm going to Spain for a few days with xyz I'm going to miss you every day and text you
Come backs from Spain looking worried , me (never insecure) you still want to get married right ? Her yes its not like you to be insecure dobie (but I could feel it a disturbance in the force) so how were there guys out there any hot ones me laughing her worried no ermm no . (she cheated I'm sure maybe not sexually but kissing )
So she gets back from Spain and the next two weeks she is the gf from hell , temper tantrums , shouting at the dog I mean just hell on earth so I distance myself I let her come home and spend the evenings in her bedroom
We try and have sex she gets irritable shouts at me and I remember feeling so hurt and angry
After weeks of this behaviour I put up a FB status "man must be so nice to be single and live with the guys "
Well that was it I think the same day or a day later
"We need to talk my feelings have changed I'm going to stay at my sisters for a few weeks I need time to think " this is three days before my bday and im fuming I rage at her and storm out to my Bros she tells me the FB stays was the last straw
She sends texts I'm worried about you I'm sorry are you OK i just need time to think etc
I ignore I'm too angry , she worries I will try and harm myself and tells me she is not saying its over as she tells me she can't see me on my body but still wants to give me her presents she just needs time to think .
I spend my birthday alone in an empty house drinking
By Friday two days after the anger at her treatment causes me to send her a breakup message and a song telling her she is just someone I used to know
She texts me in the morning "i cried all night but fine I was not saying it was over I just wanted time to think now u can screw all those girls who you told me you could if you wanted "
I tell her she is the most beautiful woman but her treatment of me is disgusting
She replies with your no saint I'm not horrible etc
Sunday I have enough of texts and we speak on the phone at this point I'm glad its over I've had enough we have a friendly amiciable conversation where she tells me she does not love me how did I know it was over ? What do I think broke us up ? How she went to Spain to test her feelings and she didn't miss me and she has friends now so does not need me and she needs to find herself etc etc she is shocked by how understanding and reasonable I am and tells me the relief she felt driving away on my bday (nice) how she wants to stay friends and how she can be discrete if she has a bf or I have a gf I'm like no
Monday morning we both text each other are you OK , exchange is warm and friendly I tell her I'm blocking her on FB the night before and her family as its too painful and to tell her family its nothing personal : she tells me it hurts like I am trying to forget them but understands
Fast forward a week and I've calmed down I ask her to meet so we can talk she refuses says we have discussed everything and we can talk on the phone
When we do she screams abuse at me , I don't love you I've not loved you for a year
I don't want to see you or you will manipulate me into coming back for a year or two . I want more out of life , we bicker all the time I should have left you years ago I want romance I hate how you told me I can't find a man like you ! There's nothing left to discuss I want to eat my dinner ! All my friends got expensive engagement rings ! Anger and resentment over money a common theme for the whole of the BU I'm sick of carrying you! You don't smile when you pick me up from work ! (Bull) You moan when we do anything ! (Massive exegeration) I don't respect you I used to hang on your every word ! You hate your job !
I've grown up ! I want to travel and you never will because of your sick father !
I want romance ! I'm like OK I just wanted to be sure you don't love me I think your a cheat her no I'm not I want to be single for a year I never get chatted up at bars you will meet someone before me (resentment)
Next day "I miss you I know its selfish but I miss you"
I reply, she tells me she shouldn't have sent that but after six years it normal to miss someone but "we are not right for each other "
Then when we talk its to discuss bussines or for her to spew more resentment and
break promises about money she owes for my birthday present or for her to charge me for an a/v cabinet she does not need she accuses me of only wanting it to sell it for a profit and that if I earnt more money I would not be upset about this BU
I text her to tell her I don't care about money or things I'm upset because six years is over ... .she texts I'm sorry I upset you x
Next morning are you OK x
I ignore I'm still angry and in shock
Hardly any contact apart from to arrange for her to get her stuff from the flat which she does
She takes everything I mean she left nothing of any value apart from stuff that is 100% mine or she does not need or is old and broken she did leave me the TV though and gave me part of the rent minus the av cabinet for two months she even try to charge me for my fathers phone bill he is fully disabled and in a care home but as I point out I've been paying it .
She says she does not want to end up like in her last r/s with nothing after
This is from a woman on 100k plus bonus a year
While I struggle on 20k
She texts me to say she took more than she said she would but she left me some towels and old bedding so thinks thats "fair " she can't give me my birthday money for the present she told me to buy as she has to think of her now and how dificult and expensive her new flat will cost . she thanks me for being so mature and reasonable and hopes we can meet for coffee when I'm feeling better and stay friends
She steals my passport and other financial papers so in her sick mind I don't get a mortgage in joint names (impossible )
I rehome the dog before this she worries I have found him a good home I tell her to not concern herself with it and block her on FB she blocks me back a month later my dog dies I text her
She replies I'm so sorry to hear that hope your OK xx
I erupt in text rage no I am not OK you selfish b***h but never mind you are !
No response
Xmass comes and she has the cheek to send
Hi hope your having a lovely xmass ? Xxx
I'm like who is this ?
She replies "how mature "
I get home and send her an email saying I didn't realise it was from her
I get drunk and send her some silly songs taking the mickey out of her
She blocks all my family and friends on FB
I did this first to be fair explains to one mural friend if it easier if she has no links to dobie on FB
Weeks pass I get drink send various angry and heartfelt texts while drunk no response
She complains to my bro that I am acting unsettling and weird
No I'm drunk hurt and in shock !
She blocks me on wassapp and phone after I imply something she knows I'm very capable off (not my proudest moment ) but I'm drunk
Lots more filler but that's the jist
6 months after the BU I find she has stolen my passport my bro arranges to meet her to give back the last of her stuff and get mine
She rages about money I spent this and that blah blah I do care about dobie blah blah I want him to be happy blah blah I should not have ruined his bday I was a coward I should have left him a year ago as the wedding drew closer I just coulde t do it blah blah how she was surprised how well I took the BU how she was expecting me rage to go full force bro explained dobie shouts but he is not violent
How much change I had done over the years how much nicer I was
Not much apologising or introspection according to my bro he said she was giving answers like a lawyer
She admits I'm not the source of all her unhappiness and that we did have some good times
Bro calls her out why did u leave ? Because we bickered and argued about money that was it he said she looked like she really didn't know herself he felt he was talking to a child
She kept saying i couldent see him or I would go back my bro was like that's the point you work things out !
Silence
Bro was like why didn't you reach out see if he was ok ? She admits to being a coward
Bro was like do you think its fair after all he did for you the love , the support etc etc and that how you go out , she admits I was her closest best friend she admits she should not have goaded me so much to lose my temper and pick fights and she should have left years ago
I ask bro to ask if I can email her she says yes as I'm not sure if I'm blocked no response after a month I try again with diff account she tells me
"I'm sorry I've hurt you notihng I can say will make you feel better
You a great guy with lots to offer
You will meet a lovely girl who loves you very much
We were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "
I'm like whatever let's stay friends
"I don't think its a good idea if we meet two soon for both of us sorry "
My point is she is capable of talking to me when it comes to her needing something like her stuff or early on in the BU
Your x looks like even the thought of you hurts bro
Whereas mine felt shame no doubt for her bad treatment of me but love and I miss you dobie I don't see it bro ... .
I've edited out a lot of the crappy things she did and said during the last six months this is a condensed version
That's only 80% of her selfish behaviours post breakup