Tying to process anger

[simpleman]

Hi All,

If you happened to see my post yesterday about toughening LC with my exgf that I work with, you saw that I was attempting to set a boundary to not discuss our past relationship. I sent her an email that many of you helped me come up with and it was received pretty well.

Today I am struggling with a lot of anger.  This is always tough for me because I am not good at anger. I have never done well being able to feel it or express it. It is mostly stuffed. It has to do with my FOO.  I am 48.

I'm angry at a whole bunch of things: BPD/codependancy ruined the relationship and we won't get to realize our dreams together, I'm missing out on the fun stuff while I'm sitting alone in my 1 bedroom apartment, money is tight now, typical stuff like that.

But where I have the most trouble is figuring outmy anger toward her.  I feel it but I don't know if it is appropriate. I guess I overlooked a lot of the bad things along the way and was afraid to be angry for fear of raging or losing her. So now that the relationship is over my anger is all over the place. I'm angry at her for not getting help to deal with her illness. We did therapy together but it was all about me not triggering her. She presented things to the therapast in such a way that I was the cause of everything and I was afraid to speak up so she was never diagnosed. I'm angry that I gave so much and got rage and pain in return.

That brings me to the part that is the hardest. I don't feel I can be angry with her because of the BPD. Whenever my mind travels to something horrible she did I go right to - she couldn't help it she has BPD. You don't know her obviously but I feel she was on the high functioning end of the spectrum so she has to know that some of the things she said and did to me and my children were hurtful and wrong.  And I also saw some basic things in her personality that i see in people without BPD that i wouldn't want to be around anyway.  But I go right back to giving her a free pass because of the illness.  It is so frustrating to feel i have to see it that way that I want her to hurt for what she did. I want her to pay. I feel horrible and immature thinking that way. And I wonder if some of my motivation to be angry with her is to feel that I won't be missing out if I don't have her.

Thanks so much for any perspective/guidance you can give

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not her fault she has a personality disorder but she is still responsible for her behaviors, and nobody gets a free pass unless we give them one.  Behaviors that are unacceptable to us are unacceptable to us, simple as that, and if she doesn't give a sht and won't be accountable, then she doesn't get the benefit of your company.

Anger is always a secondary emotion.  Under it might be a feeling you've been disrespected, discarded, rejected, abused, devalued, whatever, what they all have in common is you weren't loved, and once you can see beyond the anger you can get to the real things that gets to be processed next.  What do you think those might be?

[simpleman]

Thanks fromheeltoheal, that helps. I think the key for me is to work on what kept me stuck in the relationship - codependency.  I bought the Journey from Abandonment to Healing book and WOW. The work on having dialogue with your inner child was powerful.

I guess with the kind of contact we had last week my focus swung back over to her.  I can truly see the value of NC but that's just not possible. It doesn't help that she's miss popular. I know it's a mask but it still bugs me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks fromheeltoheal, that helps. I think the key for me is to work on what kept me stuck in the relationship - codependency.  I bought the Journey from Abandonment to Healing book and WOW. The work on having dialogue with your inner child was powerful.

I guess with the kind of contact we had last week my focus swung back over to her.  I can truly see the value of NC but that's just not possible. It doesn't help that she's miss popular. I know it's a mask but it still bugs me.

Good for you!  Shifting the focus from her to you is the way to get some healing work done.