Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 06, 2025, 04:54:19 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
Pages:
1
[
2
]
All
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck (Read 1439 times)
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #30 on:
July 09, 2015, 02:55:32 PM »
Quote from: Daniell85 on July 09, 2015, 02:20:31 PM
I take responsibility because he always tells me how crap I am when he gets mad like that and then "punishes". He gives explanation for what he is about to do ( its my fault) then he hands out the punishment, which typically is ignoring, silent treatment.
So... .this is what he does. My guess is that he does it because it "gets" him... whatever he wants... .or feels comfortable with.
You don't like it when he does this... .but... unfortunately... you don't control him... .so he is going to do... .what he is going to do.
You do control whether or not you take responsibility for the things he talks about... or punishes you for.
You also control if you listen or participate in any of that.
My HUGE recommendation... is to make up your mind to let him continue to "toss" responsibility at you... .but that you will not "catch" it. Just go on about your business... .
This will most likely puzzle him... .might anger him when he realizes the "dance" is changing... .let him sort through that.
Thoughts?
FF
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Daniell85
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #31 on:
July 09, 2015, 04:43:28 PM »
Since he is ignoring me I guess I have time to think about his possible reactions.
I think he would actually like it very much if he had a fuss, and I disengaged without judgement, then went on about my business. And that afterward I never said a word about what happened.
He has told me many times something like that. A huge thing for him is he feels he is being blamed for his hurtful behavior by everyone around him. He gets really upset about it. It comes at him from every direction.
I guess I have gone about it ineffectively in communicating upset to him. When you don't know someone has BPD and you just openly say it, no BS, right up front... it never has gone well with him.
Probably since I tried to talk to him, I am now in for another 6 weeks of ignoring and silent treatment. Depressing.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #32 on:
July 09, 2015, 04:54:21 PM »
Quote from: Daniell85 on July 09, 2015, 04:43:28 PM
Since he is ignoring me I guess I have time to think about his possible reactions.
Hey... .they way this was written... .really struck me.
My hope is that at some point... .the first sentence you write is...
"Since he is ingorning me... .I guess I'll have to think about my possible reaction"
Even better if you consciously thought about a reaction you can have that is emotionally healthy for you.
How do the two sentences strike you... .when you read what you wrote... .and my hope for how you may approach this in the future?
FF
Logged
Daniell85
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #33 on:
July 09, 2015, 05:39:41 PM »
I am thinking about my possible reactions. This is a really important point. Whenever he blocks me, I have gone into massive panic attacks and meltdowns, followed by serious raging at him for doing it.
If I had not gone into a major upset at the blocking and then gone about my business, probably ST would have been over by now.
This was the main reason I decided to do therapy again. I wanted to pull the power out of it for me when he blocks and ST.
Right now I am literally feeling compelled inside of myself to find a balance in the course of action I am taking. I can't seem to settle on one thing.
1. Leave situation status quo, with him doing ST at me on Skype. Waiting out his angst or whatever is going on.
2. kick him from Skype and be done with him forever.
3. try to talk to him more.
Number 2 I haven't wanted to do. Still care, still think he cares since he is flat out refusing to leave.
Number 3 is an exercise in futility. I think he is reading my comments but refusing to engage on the basis they aren't what he wants to hear. And I don't feel like babying him out of a sulk.
Also I am kind of wondering if he is having a serious mental break.
1. is the hardest for me because him being there is like a bad itch.
Logged
Daniell85
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #34 on:
July 09, 2015, 05:46:10 PM »
What I mean is, I have to overcome the panic attack before he sees it.
I am past the point where this could have been deflected.
Now I fix it as best I can after the fact, by ignoring him and going about my business?
I don't want to get tossed over to the undecided board, but the thought of a lifetime of this scares me.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #35 on:
July 09, 2015, 05:51:49 PM »
Quote from: Daniell85 on July 09, 2015, 05:46:10 PM
I don't want to get tossed over to the undecided board, but the thought of a lifetime of this scares me.
Yep... .that can be a hard thing to think about.
We are here to support you... .
It seems like you have an in person support with your T.
How often to you see your T?
What is the plan with T to help the panic attacks?
FF
Logged
Daniell85
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #36 on:
July 09, 2015, 06:19:36 PM »
I just started with her. We had one meeting. Was supposed to have one tonight, but she needs to reschedule. We were planning once a week visits.
She said she wanted to spend a few meetings getting to know me, then would decide a course of treatment. She did say that from her experience you can't "talk out" trauma. So she wants to get busy with a course of therapy is active. She mentioned EMDR, systematic desensitization.
I had a therapist prior who helped with panic attacks. I do use what she taught when I feel one building up. It's the one that hit full blown that come with the threats and blocking. I feel paralyzed when it happens. Like I just can't move fast enough.
Logged
jhkbuzz
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1639
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #37 on:
July 09, 2015, 06:19:52 PM »
Quote from: Daniell85 on July 09, 2015, 12:10:08 PM
Eagles, my mother divorced my father. She remarried a couple of years later. I ended up the family scapegoat.
My step dad was brutal. Everything was my fault.
I was a child. I went silent under the abuse. I did as I was asked. It didn't matter. Everything about me was wrong.
I feel somewhere in there, YES, my boyfriend should ( haha) be able to relate on a human level to me that I am being hurt.
When I wrote to him in Skype and saw him log out, YES, I feel like it's my fault. Isn't that what he is saying to me? Danielle speaks, he logs off.
It's all your fault Danielle!
Now more punishment!
You are repeating (with your boyfriend) the dynamic that existed with your father. :'(
It feels familiar to you: the fault finding, the excessive responsibility you feel; the urge to try to "fix" things. It's called repetition compulsion and people can spend years in unhealthy relationships in a misguided (and self destructive) effort to "fix" a childhood relationship that was traumatic. This is done with a "stand in" who is (perhaps emotionally) reminiscent of the person who you experienced the original trauma with.
I hope you don't mind this question, but I read through all the posts and the same question kept popping into my mind: why are you staying in this r/s? What are you getting out of it?
Logged
Daniell85
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737
Re: help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
«
Reply #38 on:
July 09, 2015, 06:51:30 PM »
The first two years were beautiful. I was so happy. Content. I didn't see these behaviors. I mean he tended to withdraw at times and need alone time. I am ok with that.
I didn't realize his family issues were so intense. He was clearly so co dependent into them. He began to worry endlessly, struggling, he was really overwhelmed. Then he cheated.
From the outside looking in, he became a person in crisis, fighting the compulsion to help his family to the extent he had no life or felt he would never have one.
I felt people go through dark times and here was a struggle he has been having. I have a lot of empathy for him, unfortunately it's colliding with old issues I have been pushing down for years. Rearing their ugly heads in the last couple of years.
I still see him, the him I love inside of this person who is so hard to handle now.
And maybe you are right, the power of this is hooked into my own past. All I know before I let him go, I feel I have to break this chain ( not to be dramatic) with the past stuff. I don't WANT to be getting overpowered by my own self. It's been pretty terrible. If I felt stable, I then maybe a lot of the energy would leave the whole situation.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages:
1
[
2
]
All
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...