help me negotiage this, please. I'm stuck

[Daniell85]

Now at 5 weeks of silent treatment from my boyfriend. To reiterate, we had a conflict and he lost his temper and blocked me on facebook. He is sitting on Skype as my contact. He has not blocked me anywhere else.  I know from past experience all emails and telephone calls will be ignored.

I do have 2 facebook accounts. One for my business and a personal one. He blocked the personal one. I can see his posts.

So we are seemingly at a stalemate. I am not trying to talk to him. Basically I feel I will be ignored unless I make some persistent campaign where I baby him and take all the blame for his upset.

I don't really feel like taking it for the team right now. Mainly because I am really gutted over his silent treatment. So every day he is sitting on Skype and I guess we just look at each other.

I read the stuff here about BPD, dysregulation. I understand he is doing that.

What happened in this last conflict is something that always happens. He cheated on me, he continues contact with the girl he cheated on me with. He works with her a couple of times a month, and they have lunch together on those days. She still wants him. He told me he is trying to appease her so she doesn't create a work problem. He's worried about losing his job.

I guess I understand the thinking he has going on there. The problem isn't that I can't understand. It's that it creates anxiety for me, I show it, and he gets really angry and disrespectful to me over it. Primarily, why is he having to hear this, he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him, he's tired of being told how awful he has been, he feels he is being "demanded on". ( I asked if he would consider looking for a new job).

So he gets really rude to me, starts threatening to block me, or bullies at me. It's really upsetting.

Bear with me, those of you who have already read my past thread.

So he is now giving me silent treatment, and I am not trying to pull him out of it.

It's really hard for me not to react to it. I am afraid to react in any way. If I block him, he will notice, if I kick him ( and I want to sometimes because the continued ST is triggering off a lot of panic, hurt, and then anger for me) obviously things get worse.

But, trying to talk to him... .part of the anger I feel is why does he want to sit there like that holding onto this ST? I saw he posted this song on his facebook that he has used in the past when he was afraid I was leaving. He did that a few days ago. It's been an important song to us.

If he is afraid I will leave, then why is he doing something that is driving me away from him? I would LIKE to be sorting the situation out, I told him a few weeks ago that I am here. I am doubting my capacity to reach out sincerely because I am so upset at the blocking and ST.

On one hand, I think he feels very hurt and stuck, and hopeless himself. I think he feels I believe he is a totally crap person. ( I did tell him in reaction to his blocking and ST and bullying that he is a monster and a freak. I was crying and angry, and I really meant it. Then I learned about BPD and understand better, but words are already said, he blocked before I said those things, and now refuses to leave Skype or respond).

I am not so experienced at all of this understanding the illness that I am not struggling. I really am. I am so angry at him for doing this again. I feel like he is demanding ME AGAIN to smooth it all over by initiating talking at him until he deigns to speak to me. At that point, he starts saying I am the problem, etc. I really just don't even want to hear it.

I really wish things were ok, but he makes me feel so... .discarded. It's like even though I believe I could successfully apply the tools now, I don't want to try because I feel so damaged right now. And every day that goes by I am getting angry again and resentful of him for refusing to leave, but refusing to work things out.

I don't even know what to do right now.

Someone please flip me some ideas about how to break the gridlock.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I am not too good with words at the moment. Have you grieved the relationship yet? I am not talking about in a way that says "It's over and done with and time for me to move on." I am talking about the grieving that you do when you realize that things aren't the way you want them to be. I plan to stay with my husband yet I have done a lot of grieving over things not being the way that I want them to be and grieving over the fact that my husband may change some yet it is quite likely that some of these things are repeating.

Can you get to a point where you care a little bit less about keeping the relationship? I know that sounds weird. I am not sure how else to explain it. It is getting to that point where you take care of yourself and focus on you. You get busy and try to stop fretting about whether or not the relationship is going to end. There is a lot of freedom in thinking, "I am going to do everything I can to stay in this relationship. If my partner doesn't step up at some point, then that is okay." It takes time. Let yourself be angry and mad and sad and all of the other things that you are feeling. Take this time to feel your feelings. If you can get them all out, then maybe you can reach out to him from a place of sincerity and balance. If you were to reach out to him now, it is possible that you might do more harm than good.

[Daniell85]

I feel I have spent years grieving.

I probably would do more damage. I read the last few arguments we had. We tend to have them on chat rather than in person. It leaves my heart pounding.

Mad, sad. Grief. It feels like it is bigger than me. I want to stay and I am afraid I will never stop feeling angry and hurt. It's scary.

I would like to ask people how long it took for them to grieve when they really understood about the BPD. Probably everyone has a different answer.

[Daniell85]

The seed of nearly every disagreement we have starts because he does something that I trigger off of over his cheating.

My guy rarely ever instigates anything directly. He hardly ever approaches me to complain about anything. The only time he will is if I try to come to him and get reassurance and ask questions to clear up a my confusion over his actions.

He gets very defensive at that point and if he believes I am "attacking " him he will "retaliate". S

So basically I go in there already upset and in a state of panic. Even if I present to him as calm, he assumes I am upset and he will attack me. Typically by saying he is "sick of your sh*t" or "I am not in the mood for another one of your tantrums". Or he will go over to youtube and pull up some nasty video about crazy women and link it to me.

His explanation for that is HE doesn't feel safe with me because I am "always" upset and "attacking" him.

Well, I learned here some ways to validate and so on, but exactly what I am running into are these scenarios. Always over me triggering due to his cheating.

He has always refused to sit down and discuss why or how the cheating happened. The gist I have been able to pick up is that he thought she was offering unconditional acceptance of him. So when he was a rat to her, she never got angry. She just went quiet. His take on it was she "understood and accepted " him even though he was behaving horribly. He found out later that wasn't the case. Her temperament was to hold back for a very long time and then she really let him have it one day, and he understood that all along she had been silently hating on him.

He broadly apologized to me by saying " I was wrong, you are better than her and I know I made bad choices."

And then we were NEVER to talk of it again, because it made him feel bad, then he would get mad, because he apologized and the past is the past!

For me there has been all kinds of trust to rebuild.

In this last recycle, which lasted 9 months, I explained to him that I mean well, but I was not over what happened, and sometimes I do trigger, but I try to manage on my own the stronger reactions. So if I walk a way a day or so, that is why. I told him I felt from what I had seen, that he was not able to cope with me during those times. He assured me he was able to cope, and he would be supportive.

He tried. And he would do very well. So well over the 9 months that I sometimes let my guard down too much, and he would go from kind and supportive one day, to the next time it happened ( like 4 or 5 times in 9 months) to absolutely cruel and bullying, hateful.

It made things worse.

In light of understanding about the probably BPD, I can follow how he ends up lashing out and I can compensate.

But it leaves me in a state of hurt and anxiety, panic attacks due to the cheating and gaslighting he did. Still does.

The crux is, I am not healed from it, and I don't trust myself not to react to him when he does shady things that trigger off my hurt and panic.

What do I do? Somehow part of me feels that me healing from cheating needs to include having his support instead of his contempt.

I don't know how to bridge this and more and more I don't want to. I work to learn and understand the BPD, but his cruelty to me for my hurt and pain over his cheating is raising a lot of resentment inside of me.

Any ideas for getting beyond this?

[vortex of confusion]

1. Is there a way that you can stop engaging him in text or e-mail conversations. My husband and I had to stop communicating via text or e-mail for anything heavy. No matter how gentle I would try to bring something up via text or e-mail, he would take it as me being mad or attacking him.

2. You haven't healed from the cheating. That is big. Having that unresolved stuff is going to poison the relationship. Is there any way that you can seek healing for this without involving him?

3. Can you approach the trust issues without bringing up the cheating? I would find it difficult to trust somebody that dismisses my feelings and gets defensive when I try to bring up matters that are important to me.

[ptilda]

 

Can you get to a point where you care a little bit less about keeping the relationship?

I can relate so much to what you're feeling. I said so many things in reaction that were used to "paint me black" before I even knew about BPD. But this is a really important statement.

God is the most important thing to me, and He is my strength in this troubling time. I know that He has told me that my relationship will be hard, but rewards will come by being faithful to my uBPDh. Our time of ST has not been without interruption, and only has gone for a few days, but that's almost been worse because he would break it only so he could try to fight with me. He'd say the most hurtful things he could to get me to react.

I'm learning that I have to desire more for my husband to find healing, than for me to have my husband. God speaks to me verbally (not audibly). When I asked Him to bring my husband closer to me, He said, "wouldn't you rather he be closer to Me?" And I knew that was an important bridge I had to cross. I have to let go of my husband and understand that my position as his wife is to love him and pray for him to know the healing and peace and joy and love that comes only through God. If he comes home without that, then things go right back to where they started, only worse.

I hope this makes sense without being too "preachy." My advice (as I'm going through the same thing):

1. Get a spiritual mentor for yourself. Get closer to God. Read 1 Corinthians 13 that talks about love and ask God to give you THAT kind of love... .the kind that is not jealous, for one.

2. Give him to God. Put him in God's hands and resolve to love him enough that his healing and restoration mean more to you than "having" him does. Think of it as a child... .a mother who loves her child more than anything might choose to give up that child because she knows that the child's welfare is more important than having her child with her. Every situation is different, and I pray he will come back to you and your relationship is restored, but first YOU must be whole alone.

3. Get a life. Do things outside of him. This is so hard for me. I'm an outgoing introvert. I have no problem being around people and speaking or performing in front of large groups, but I'd much rather be at home with my family... .now my "family" is gone (we have no kids yet).

4. Consider reading some books like Stormie Omartian's books on prayer. I hope that you believe in the power of prayer, because there's nothing like it to keep us centered and focused and to reach into the heart of someone whom we have no physical power to affect.

This is all advice I've had to take myself. I'm certainly no expert, but your story, and the advice given resonated with me.

Blessings to you, and you are in my prayers as well. I look forward to seeing the progress of your journey and I hope we can encourage each other through this.

[Daniell85]

He is calm and supportive when I want to talk about anything that doesn't have to do with him. He can often tolerate discussion if he doesn't get a whiff of "blaming".

Shouldn't he be involved in my healing? His continued contact with the girl he cheated on me with is very hard for me. It's been keeping the wound open.

[Daniell85]

I am jealous?

I just got a new therapist and haven't been able to discuss my boyfriend with her, at this point. We talked about other things at the first appointment.

[vortex of confusion]

Shouldn't he be involved in my healing? His continued contact with the girl he cheated on me with is very hard for me. It's been keeping the wound open.

That is a difficult question to answer. In a normal relationship, it goes so much better if your partner is involved in the healing. This isn't a normal relationship.

Does he have a choice about the contact? I know you said that they sometimes work together and go out to lunch. That has to be very difficult. The problem is that it sounds like he isn't going to change his behavior. Can you live with that? If you can't, then it might be good to re-evaluate why you are choosing to stay in the relationship.

It is very difficult to walk around with that gaping wound. I have done it for years and it didn't get better until I stopped thinking that he was somehow going to help me heal that wound. I have to figure out how to heal the wound for myself rather than trying to rely on my partner to help me heal it.

[Daniell85]

I am upset today. Just so deeply sad and frustrated.

He is sitting on Skype, so I did try to talk to him. I didn't smack around or anything. I was kind.

He logged out.

And I feel like I was just kicked in the teeth again. I don't understand. I feel so messed with.

[Daniell85]

I think in the long term he will get a different job and get away from her. The thing is she has expressed a willingness to try and get him fired. He is afraid if he doesn't "make nice", she will.

At the same time, the work he does is very specialized, he has been with his company for 14 years, and moving out the job is very hard for him. He hates change.

I understand it. But I trigger off of it. So he lies to me about when he is around her. Then she makes sure I know. Then I ask him, and ugh. The last time it happened I was like ok, not going to go there in terms of talking to him about it, but I still carried the upset and the next day, he was hard on me because he knew I was upset, and he reacted on the suspected upset. I figure he knew I knew and was being defensive.

It feels like such a terrible mess. I want to stay, but there are many days in the last month where I just want to log off Skype and go silent and go back in 6 months and maybe he will be calm and ready to talk again. Or maybe he will just be gone.

I know I would feel enormously calmer just to walk off on it for a few weeks. Is that a "wrong" thing to actually do? Should I tell him I am going to, then do it? Or since it is his choice not to speak to me, figure tough luck to him and leave for a while?

[Daniell85]

I just feel I am being subjected to a head game.

I feel humiliated and hurt and outraged. I think he is taking great pleasure in staying on Skype and loves my confusion and pain.

I don't know how to make it stop except to end this, or turn off Skype so I am not present for it. That is what I did this afternoon. I logged out of Skype. I am just cringing at the whole thing right now.

Maybe somewhere in here I can find some compassion for him, but it may be a very long time.

[ptilda]

I am upset today. Just so deeply sad and frustrated.

He is sitting on Skype, so I did try to talk to him. I didn't smack around or anything. I was kind.

He logged out.

And I feel like I was just kicked in the teeth again. I don't understand. I feel so messed with.

I feel your pain. Trust me I do. Just understand that he is thriving on you reaching out so he can reject you. With mine I say it's like he feels like of he can't force me to love him, I'll stop. Like they feel the only way to keep us from abandoning them is to beat us into such complete submission that we will never leave. This is the sad truth.

Be strong, sister!

[Daniell85]

Ptilda, i am trying. This is very hard for me to cope with.  

I am always very upset by it. I have reached my limit on being able to sit there present while he is doing it. He may honestly need the time to calm and soothe himself. But i am baffled as to why he wants to be where i am in order to do it.   so i took myself out of the immediate situation of it.

I guess now is as good a time as any for me to be mad, hurt, and disgusted. Boy am i !

Thanks for being here for me 

[formflier]

I just feel I am being subjected to a head game.

 

Tough place to be at... .  We are here for you.

It's good you have a T to work with... .

Last summer I worked through the concept of "not taking things personally"

It was earth shattering to me.  I can't believe it was something that I had never really thought about before.

Sure... .I was fine with ignoring silly things that people that weren't close to me did.

But... if my wife did something "to" me... .my assumption was that it was "about" me... and "directed" at me.

My life is much better to not personalize things... .

So... .in my life... .letters... cards... .things said directly to me... .I still "personalize".

Other actions my wife may take... .not doing something she said she would... .or doing something she said she wouldn't... .and other things... .I assume have something to do with her... .until proven otherwise.

Any thoughts on this and how it may or may not apply to your r/s?

FF

[Daniell85]

When I am being threatened, I take it very personally. When I am given an ultimatum, it feels very personal. It's frightening to me, hurtful. Will often trigger a major panic attack.

When he lies to me, it feels very personal.

There are some things he has done for ages that I use to link to if I actually am a valuable person to him. Like not telling me he has a business trip. Or cutting me out of a social event, or ( we are gamers) telling me he is not going to play, so I go do something else, then he spends the day gaming. I feel unwanted and discarded. So I panic a bit and am upset.

So I can see where I am linking his actions to if I am valued, and taking these things personally.

I never felt that way before he cheated. After that, it all became very very personal.

I mean, normally I think most people don't want to give their hearts, their whole lives shared with someone who is busy behind the scenes taking the good of that life and expending it on an affair, or devaluing you socially by running some smear campaign.

At this point, yes, I can see the benefit of detachment. But I am not sure how to achieve that now.

A mutual friend told me this morning that she thinks my boyfriend is taking a long time to calm down. She said I am not doing anything wrong. It's not anything about me, just his nature. Just to be patient a while longer.

Ok, then. I can do that and take the time here to keep figuring things out.

At the same time, I kind of feel that this was a punishment from him directed at me, he successfully got his two months or 3 months or whatever it turns out to inflict this on me, and I am to let it go, I get nothing but the knowledge he will do this again and again to retaliate against me.

I resent that. It's killing my feelings for him.

I guess I am not at the point of not taking these things personally. I just feel hurt and angry. I don't feel like retaliating, I feel like taking big steps back and losing the dream of intimacy with him.

Feel overloaded today  

Thanks for trying to help me. 

[formflier]

At this point, yes, I can see the benefit of detachment. But I am not sure how to achieve that now.

This would be great thing to chat with your T about.

In the meantime... .when he "does" something... especially something not obviously directed at you.  Such as calling your name and saying something... .that is "obvious" it is for you.

So... other things... .ask yourself "What is the most benign way I can interpret this?

FF

[Lovingme35]

I am upset today. Just so deeply sad and frustrated.

He is sitting on Skype, so I did try to talk to him. I didn't smack around or anything. I was kind.

He logged out.

And I feel like I was just kicked in the teeth again. I don't understand. I feel so messed with.

I am sorry you are going through this. As you know, I am going through something similar. The only thing that has helped me is trying to keep busy. I joined Meet Up, and then joined a bunch of activities to fill up my week.

I would also let him make all of the first contact from now on. He knows that you are trying to reach out. Its really hard but think of it as giving yourself time to focus on yourself.

[vortex of confusion]

So... other things... .ask yourself "What is the most benign way I can interpret this?

THIS! I think it is very helpful to try to change the scripts that you have in your head.

Is he really sitting on Skype waiting to punish you? Or, could it be that he isn't even sitting at the computer most of the time? Could it be that he needs some space?

There was a period of time when I was really needing space to figure out what I wanted and what was going on in my head. The more I tried to get some space, the more clingy and needy my husband got. It was frustrating because I was trying to figure out what I wanted yet he kept trying to reach out to me and get me to soothe him. I was having my own turmoil. I couldn't soothe him. I couldn't tell him that our relationship was okay. Our relationship was NOT okay. I felt resentful because he was wanting me to soothe him. I couldn't do it. I needed some distance. He would misinterpret my actions. I was no better. I would misinterpret his actions too.

Things didn't get better until I stopped trying to figure out his motives and stopped ruminating. At one point, I felt like everything he did was a personal attack on me. Heck, if he came in the room and farted, I would get snotty and say, "You did that on purpose just to gross me out." I got so ridiculous at one point that I made him go to another room too pass gas. I feel kind of ridiculous typing that out. I am sharing it because I have been where you are and I know how painful it is to feel like you are being personally targeted by the person that you love and want to be with. As long as you are taking things personally and feeling attacked, things aren't going to get better. At least that is the way it worked for me. I had to actively try to rewrite the scripts that were going through my head. I had to get more logical and come up with those benign reasons that FF is alluding to in his post.

 

[Daniell85]

ok, I generally am content with what he is doing until it comes to issues over his cheating and that I have panic attacks when it looks like it may be happening again. So I start asking questions. He gets mad at that. And typically it turns out he was being shady with me over contact with that girl. I am not sure about an effective means to handle that.

Aside from the cause, during my attempts to get reassurance... I get the opposite. He has a nasty habit of pulling up mean youtube videos. One in particular I was offended at. It's called the crazy girlfriend matrix. Or some such thing. It's a pretty popular video, so probably if someone googles those words, it comes up.

Then he pointed out to me that for him right now I am in the "crazy" part of the matrix, so he doesn't feel safe with me. This from the guy who cheated on me, is being deceptive with me, and then makes fun of me for being upset.

His response on the video was he saw I was upset, and was trying to lighten things up by making a joke. It wasn't funny to me. I used to be totally chill with him, and I didn't have panic attacks. Now I have panic attacks. Now I get made fun of for being upset at getting cheated on. Now I get raged at and threatened and bullied if I say how I feel. Now I get 6 weeks silent treatment. A months worth. 4 months worth.

Or he says "I am so sick of you I don't even want you in my sight."

I am not getting upset over ambiguous things he is saying. I am getting upset over what I perceive as insults, disrespect, mockery.

But I am game. I am absolutely willing to hear any thoughts and advice on how to interpret these things in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a sucker who is agreeing to be emotional abused and threatened.

I am sorry, also, because I am not meaning to come across to anyone here as trying to escalate or being closed minded to changing how I handle things.

I handle things by being shocked, and hurt, asking for clarification, and then getting angry and disgusted. Which turns into oh poor him, he is being treated so horrible and he has to ignore me 2 months.

Grrr. I want it to stop.

[satahal]

I'm sorry to read the pain you're going through. It sounds like you're experiencing a high degree of anxiety over this.

I have a similar situation in that my BPD partner gets instantly furious if I bring up his cheating, trust issues or continued inappropriate behavior - he can't bear it at all. He will also give the ST - so I know how you feel. Usually I kick myself for raising the topic - it's not like i don't know how he's going to react - how fruitless it is to seek resolution from him. And then, yes, insult to injury, I'm expected to crawl on hands and knees to beg forgiveness and curry favor - yuck, yuck, yuck.

Radical acceptance or ending the relationship are the only choices I see. Getting trust back after cheating with a partner who is doing his part (and doesn't have BPD) can prove impossible. With BPD partners, their emotional immaturity, and fears of engulfment and abandonment suggest they are always going to be at risk for hedging their bets with an outside emotional entanglement.

I've decided to try acceptance - for now. It still bothers me deeply. I read a celebrity quote that actually has become my mantra for this (it was Jada Picket-Smith) "I wasn't put on this earth to be anyone's keeper." I tell myself that a lot when the urge arises to insert myself into his continued questionable behavior and it helps. I kind of lift my chin up and feel my worth again.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Daniell85]

On top of maybe being BPD, my boyfriend is an introvert. He is good for some social interaction and can appear really outgoing. When he has had enough, though, he just wants to be alone and calm down from the stimulation. I am ok with that.

Sometimes I don't see an anti social moment coming, though. And I walk right into it. He will be ... I'm not going to say cold, but untalkative. I realize at that point that he could use space, so I give it. Alternative is he gets ugly and that's very upsetting. I avoid it when I can.

The major upsets happen when I walk into his anti social feelings and his first response is ugly and attacking. That doesn't happen a lot. So when it happens... is threats, bullying, raging, followed by silent treatment. Sometimes a few days, sometimes weeks.

I guess a lot of what has happened is I fight back. I stand up for myself. When I do, that is so totally unacceptable to him, it blows to pieces.

So there is that moment where I need to learn to disengage. I didn't know about the BPD traits, so my thoughts have always been wow what a jerk, why does he think its ok to act that way towards me on top of what he has already done and hasn't he darned well caused enough damage?

Well I am taking pause. I am all over the place right now. Really MAD at him, feeling bad for him, wanting to totally ditch him, and just irritated as heck to have to sit through him abandoning me until he figures I feel so worried that I will welcome him back with open arms and no discussion of what he has done for fear he will do it again. And if I do say something, he will do it again.

I also know that if things don't escalate he will hardly ever do it. So I feel hopeful on that, I am just frustrated to have to go through another round of it. I'm a little cynical.

With regards to why he is sitting on Skype. I don't think he is actually there to wind me up. I do get wound up, though, knowing he is giving me silent treatment. I am pretty offended. I know the reason he is sitting on Skype is to reassure me that he didn't dump me and to let me know he is present and when he is ready to talk again, he will talk.

Ok. I get it. But it feels like I am at the mercy of a 3 year old holding his breath till he is turning blue.

Genuinely I am sad and tired out on it. He was there part of today, then logged out. I think he is afraid I will try to talk to him again. Probably he will build up his nerves again and be back to hanging out all day again. I don't intend to say anything. It just feels like right now there is no point.

I see my therapist tomorrow evening, and will see what her thoughts are on dealing with my panic over him doing it.

Thank you everyone 

[vortex of confusion]

 

I see two separate issues here.

1. The hurt, pain, confusion, and all of the other stuff that you are feeling.

2. How to protect yourself. If he starts getting ugly or sending you links to videos, excuse yourself from the conversation before he has a chance to escalate things. You do not have to fight back. You can walk away. Don't sit around while he treats you like crap. If he starts going there, leave. Oh, it will upset him and there will likely be some push back. However, you are protecting yourself. This is all about setting boundaries to protect yourself. It doesn't matter if it makes him mad. Fighting makes him mad too. So, step away from it and don't fight. It takes time and practice to be able to walk away from a fight.

[Daniell85]

If it hasn't escalated to an actual threat, I can walk away. I have a lot. It always feels like such a let down. You know, you fall in love and it seems like your partner should at least like you most of the time.

I feel pretty unliked by him. I grew up that way, (family stuff) so it really depresses me. A familiar bad, sad, grief.

[Daniell85]

Probably I shouldn't be feeling so hopeless and angry today. But I do.

I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at Skype. Seeing him there, silent, after I tried to talk to him yesterday... .I said to him yesterday, how can I help? I don't know what to do.

Silence. Then a log off. Gone rest of day. Back at night.

I feel so angry at him. What this is making me feel... .I feel like I am a nothing. I know he knows it upsets me and I am hurting, afraid, and worried. And he deliberately sits there and says nothing, knowing I will feel more upset.

Ok, I realize I am supposed to understand that this is not about me. His behavior. BUT I am the target of it. I am having such a hard time separating this out in my feelings. It feels just so absolutely awful.

I am so angry at him for deliberately hurting me. Maybe it is HIS problem, but he is hurting me. And I know because I talked to him yesterday, he will deliberately extend his silent treatment.

This is seriously getting to me.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Daniell85,

I am sorry that you have been struggling with the behaviors of your pwBPD. It is very tough to cope with the silent treatment and feeling ignored, I have had endured the silent treatment with my bf and was very tough for me to cope with.  

I feel pretty unliked by him. I grew up that way, (family stuff) so it really depresses me. A familiar bad, sad, grief.

I can understand how his behavior can make you feel not liked, because you endured similar feelings from your FOO. What happened with your FOO when they made you feel this way? What did you do?

I feel so angry at him. What this is making me feel... .I feel like I am a nothing. I know he knows it upsets me and I am hurting, afraid, and worried. And he deliberately sits there and says nothing, knowing I will feel more upset.

Do you expect for him to acknowledge your feelings of being afraid, worried, and hurt?  

Ok, I realize I am supposed to understand that this is not about me. His behavior. BUT I am the target of it. I am having such a hard time separating this out in my feelings. It feels just so absolutely awful.

Do you blame yourself for his behavior?

[Daniell85]

Abandonment fears: when I was 3 years old, my father took off with me. He had escalated abuse at my mother, and drunk, high, out of control, grabbed me and took me to some abandoned house. He tore the place apart. I was sitting on a chair while he did it. So I watched him. There was glass all over the place and I knew if I got off the chair I would step in it ( I was barefoot) and I would get cut. I was afraid.

Then he left. He ran off somewhere. I don't remember what he did, except he left. It took a while before I was found. Mom said when they found me, I was sitting there on the chair. Silent. And I didn't want anyone to touch me.

I don't remember that part.

There were other things. The not wanting anyone to touch me has been a lifelong habit.

My boyfriend and his silent treatments. I feel the same emptiness, fear. Afraid to leave. Afraid to stay. I think it is a lot like little animals who freeze up... rabbits and such... .when they realize you have seen them and you are too close for comfort.

It seems any move I make to him. Sitting silently, saying hi are you feeling better. Offering my hand, how can I help. Ignored. I don't exist. Then the pain and anger come up. I AM HERE STOP ACTING LIKE I AM NOT A LIVE PERSON.

Usually I withdraw from people who feel "dangerous" to me. He feels so so so dangerous. I have forced myself to stay present 5 weeks. I can't. I know telling him since he is treating me like this, I don't want to be around... .doesn't solve anything except I am the rabbit that finally ran away and hid in a bush.

I read about having compassion for the BPD. I really want to. Sometimes I do for him. Very much. But moments... .I just feel like he is deliberately targeting me and knowingly tormenting me, getting a sick satisfaction out of what he is doing.

Is that BPD thinking on my part? Probably I am BPD, too.

[Daniell85]

Eagles, my mother divorced my father. She remarried a couple of years later. I ended up the family scapegoat. My step dad was brutal. Everything was my fault.

I was a child. I went silent under the abuse. I did as I was asked. It didn't matter. Everything about me was wrong.

I feel somewhere in there, YES, my boyfriend should ( haha) be able to relate on a human level to me that I am being hurt.

When I wrote to him in Skype and saw him log out, YES, I feel like it's my fault. Isn't that what he is saying to me? Danielle speaks, he logs off. It's all your fault Danielle! Now more punishment!

I am trying to make the connection emotionally that has been explained intellectually. As unworthy as it sounds, I am falling back to a very young age. My father tormented me relentlessly. He thought it was hilarious to drive me into rage and tears.

This is very powerful to me. I am fighting it, but I am starting to hate ( like a 4 year old hates) the person who is triggering these horrible feelings off for me.

[EaglesJuju]

Abandonment fears: when I was 3 years old, my father took off with me. He had escalated abuse at my mother, and drunk, high, out of control, grabbed me and took me to some abandoned house. He tore the place apart. I was sitting on a chair while he did it. So I watched him. There was glass all over the place and I knew if I got off the chair I would step in it ( I was barefoot) and I would get cut. I was afraid.

Then he left. He ran off somewhere. I don't remember what he did, except he left. It took a while before I was found. Mom said when they found me, I was sitting there on the chair. Silent. And I didn't want anyone to touch me.

I am sorry that you had to endure that.   Something like that is very traumatic and has a profound affect. I have abandonment fears too and I know how difficult it is to cope with them. Have you explored this with a therapist?

My boyfriend and his silent treatments. I feel the same emptiness, fear. Afraid to leave. Afraid to stay. I think it is a lot like little animals who freeze up... rabbits and such... .when they realize you have seen them and you are too close for comfort. It seems any move I make to him. Sitting silently, saying hi are you feeling better. Offering my hand, how can I help. Ignored. I don't exist. Then the pain and anger come up. I AM HERE STOP ACTING LIKE I AM NOT A LIVE PERSON.

Do you feel if you are not heard or acknowledged, you are not important?

Eagles, my mother divorced my father. She remarried a couple of years later. I ended up the family scapegoat. My step dad was brutal. Everything was my fault.

I understand what you mean about everything was your fault, I was the scapegoat of my family as well. I took responsibility for everyone's problems.  I carried that belief over to my bf. I took responsibility for his behavior and blamed myself. I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, that I could do more or be more understanding etc.  It took me a long time to realize that I am not responsible for his or anyone else's behavior, I am only responsible for my own. It was really relieving for me to realize that. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

I feel somewhere in there, YES, my boyfriend should ( haha) be able to relate on a human level to me that I am being hurt.

I have felt this way too and it is really tough to accept and understand that my bf sometimes does not have the capacity to relate to me, since he is coping with his own overwhelming feelings. Once I started accepting the disorder, my way of thinking changed. I found that I had less anxiety when I did not expect him to understand and acknowledge my feelings all the time.

When I wrote to him in Skype and saw him log out, YES, I feel like it's my fault. Isn't that what he is saying to me? Danielle speaks, he logs off. It's all your fault Danielle! Now more punishment!

It could be perceived as punishment, but it could be perceived as his maladaptive behaviors. Ask yourself this is this behavior normal? If you think it is not normal, why continue to take responsibility for his maladaptive behavior?

I am trying to make the connection emotionally that has been explained intellectually. As unworthy as it sounds, I am falling back to a very young age. My father tormented me relentlessly. He thought it was hilarious to drive me into rage and tears.

I understand how difficult it is.  Something that worked for me was learning mindfulness. I understood the BPD behavior on a rational level, but emotionally I could not understand it. My emotions kept eclipsing my logic. Once I learned how to balance my emotions/logic things became easier for me.  Have you tried mindfulness?

[Daniell85]

My therapist has canceled the appointment we had for today. :/ She is in a transition with her job, so things are kind of in upheaval.

I was hoping to explore this with new therapist. She also offers EMDR therapy and that looks pretty promising.

I feel he is projecting blame on to me, then punishing me. It may be a maladaption on his part, but I feel hurt by it. No, he is not acting  normally. Problem for me is it's really effecting me.

I take responsibility because he always tells me how crap I am when he gets mad like that and then "punishes". He gives explanation for what he is about to do ( its my fault) then he hands out the punishment, which typically is ignoring, silent treatment.

Then I get really upset at him and smack him around for it. I don't like always being crap.

I went 9 months without losing my cool like that. Then this.

I am so out of balance right now. It's true.