So she gave birth yesterday

[jammo1989]

Dont really know how I feel right now, why is is it that, she treated her husband (guy before me) so bad, treated me with no respect, cheating etc, but it all seems great with this new guy? I was an amazing person to her and her kids, I now understand what people say when they say was it me?   

[Skip]

It was both of you... .

Sometimes we paint our ex to be so broken, they don't live up to the hype.   

If her husband looked in on you and her, there were times it looked great, too.

It's hard.  She moved on really fast.  It would create self doubt in anyone.

[js friend]

 As you say in your own words jammo

... .it all seems great with this new guy?   

Of course you will be experiencing those mixed emotions today jammo, and you are entitled to them. You are probably thinking that it could have been you having a child with this woman. Maybe it was something you talked about for the future which would hurt if it has become a reality for someone else, but having read your backstory i can pretty much guarantee that this new partner wont be treated any better than you or her former husband were. I was married to my exudbph for 12 years before i came to my senses. He remarried afew years ago and i like you thought maybe he had changed and seemed to be a loving husband... .ha! it lasted all of 2years which included the separation!

PwBPD  never truly change without years of therapy and medication, yet to the outside world exh looks like a really good catch. He still has his looks, looks after himself, has a good job, nice house etc, but he is a tyrant . Now i just feel sorry for any woman who gets involved with him.Experiencing true happiness for someone with BPD is very fleeting if ever at all which puts pressure on us trying to fill that void.The emotional need is endless as you know.Things may look good now but I guess they looked that way also when you were with her and her former husband was looking in. But in No way is she going to change overnight.There are many stressors there that will put pressure on them like any family but it is how they handle it particularly pwBPD who find hadling stress difficult.

New guy certainly has his work cut out there and will probably have to take on most of the childcare... .If i were you jammo I would count yourself lucky.

[Mutt]

Hi Jammo1989,

Sorry you're going through this. My ex is due in Sept with her 5th child and I think it was impulsive. She had tried to talk to me about being friends after having had just over two years of minimal contact. She's often emotionally dysregulated and slowly splitting him black.

A child of a pwBPD grow up often blaming themselves for their parents moods because of the parents emotional outbursts and they don't have the opportunity to be kids because they try to learn to be calm and not upset the parent. They need to find the emotional support from the other parent.

I feel sad for my ex wife's baby because her boyfriend is dysfunctional I would hope that her father will guide her. Poor kid. Thankfully she has my kids as siblings.

What I'm trying to say is that your ex has a pattern with chaotic interpersonal r/s's, with her H, yourself and the new person. It's sad that kids lose their childhood, don't understand that the parent is mentally ill and they do have unconditional love that shouldn't be interrupted. This can be very hard for the non disordered parent and ex partner to not be angry and bitter and have to rebuild.

How do you feel if you had a child growing up in all of this?

[jammo1989]

I really appreciate your responses as this site is one the only sites that can actually relate, and what makes it worse is you bottle it up because if i spoke openly about it, id be given the "You broke up a year ago, I don't understand"  The thing that is really bothering me is this, She was extremely sexually motivated throughout, basically showed strong traits of HPD, but towards the end of the break up, she would beg me for a child and she cried erratically when ever i contacted her, she would always say "I love you, but every time i hear your voice i hate you, I hate you for the way I feel" and obviously being cut out of her life instantly isn't that BPD behavior? I find it hard to understand even now, she begged me for a child, faked pregnancy and abortion then impulsively fell pregnant 2 months after we last spoke.  She abused her ex physically, cheated when ever he was away on tour, but she was never physical towards me ever, she did cheat that I do know.  My point being, she seemed worse with her husband than me, and I till this day cant stop going on the guys Twitter page just to prove to myself that I was in fact right about her, i know its been rocky for him to, and at times he has felt like giving up, but now it feels as if even if I wanted to speak to her again I cant because shes stupidly brought another helpless child into the world.  Mutt, It feels frustrating for me because all of their friends and family are saying congratulations and are generally happy for them, where as all my friends and family would have told me I was an idiot, I understand that that says a lot on their part she is not the one, all my friends and family and her husbands included wouldn't accept her, where as, her new bfs parent love her as one of their own.  I know long term I would have been burned, but right now it feels as if this is my fault that I feel like this because she wanted a child with me, i said no (given the opportunity) so she gets pregnant with the new guy as soon as possible, I also feel frustrated because I know for a fact I would have looked out and supported her other 2 children than the new guy as hes more focused on having his own baby, sorry for the rant.                 

[Mutt]

They just had a new born baby Jammo1989 and they'll get a lot of attention from family and friends. Who doesn't like newborns? It's a life changer, it takes time to adjust to a new routine for both parents for the first month or so. The family should receive a lot of attention for the first few months with a baby, it's a lot of responsibility and hard work.

Do you feel guilt or responsibility because you could take better care of her with a child than the new guy?

[jammo1989]

They just had a new born baby Jammo1989 and they'll get a lot of attention from family and friends. Who doesn't like newborns? It's a life changer, it takes time to adjust to a new routine for both parents for the first month or so. The family should receive a lot of attention for the first few months with a baby, it's a lot of responsibility and hard work.

Do you feel guilt or responsibility because you could take better care of her with a child than the new guy?

Yeah, but my ex had a completely different attitude when it came to having kids, she always told me lets have a baby, it's a piece of cake, I've already got 2.  To her having another baby isn't seen as a big step or commitment, where as for the new guy he was so over the moon to have his first son.  I feel frustrated if anything, solely because she was so willing to get pregnant to the point where she felt she had to get pregnant as soon as possible.  So basically, it was never about her love for me by saying things like, I don't just want any baby I want your baby, and she goes and does that.

[Mutt]

They just had a new born baby Jammo1989 and they'll get a lot of attention from family and friends. Who doesn't like newborns? It's a life changer, it takes time to adjust to a new routine for both parents for the first month or so. The family should receive a lot of attention for the first few months with a baby, it's a lot of responsibility and hard work.

Do you feel guilt or responsibility because you could take better care of her with a child than the new guy?

Yeah, but my ex had a completely different attitude when it came to having kids, she always told me lets have a baby, it's a piece of cake, I've already got 2.  To her having another baby isn't seen as a big step or commitment, where as for the new guy he was so over the moon to have his first son.  I feel frustrated if anything, solely because she was so willing to get pregnant to the point where she felt she had to get pregnant as soon as possible.  So basically, it was never about her love for me by saying things like, I don't just want any baby I want your baby, and she goes and does that.

I understand how exciting that would be having a first born. I have three kids with my ex and she had a child from a previous r/s and it's hard with three kids for both parents. Many parents can relate to that. It sounds like she was solely focused with having a baby and not seeing the bigger picture?

[jammo1989]

They just had a new born baby Jammo1989 and they'll get a lot of attention from family and friends. Who doesn't like newborns? It's a life changer, it takes time to adjust to a new routine for both parents for the first month or so. The family should receive a lot of attention for the first few months with a baby, it's a lot of responsibility and hard work.

Do you feel guilt or responsibility because you could take better care of her with a child than the new guy?

Yeah, but my ex had a completely different attitude when it came to having kids, she always told me lets have a baby, it's a piece of cake, I've already got 2.  To her having another baby isn't seen as a big step or commitment, where as for the new guy he was so over the moon to have his first son.  I feel frustrated if anything, solely because she was so willing to get pregnant to the point where she felt she had to get pregnant as soon as possible.  So basically, it was never about her love for me by saying things like, I don't just want any baby I want your baby, and she goes and does that.

I understand how exciting that would be having a first born. I have three kids with my ex and she had a child from a previous r/s and it's hard with three kids for both parents. Many parents can relate to that. It sounds like she was solely focused with having a baby and not seeing the bigger picture?

From what I gather Mutt was that she was triggered by an event that haunted her childhood, she had an abortion at 14, and she would tell me that every summer she would have a recurring dream of this baby in a field of roses, and that every year the baby looked older, she only had this dream during the summer period.  I think that along with her begging me, it was as if she was desperate for me to save her from that thought, even though all her mates were pregnant during this period, she would also tell me that she wanted to just stand in front of a moving car.  I feel like I could have protected her, but at the same time, she cheated and had others lined up, so logically I was not the one to blame for her cut and run.

[Mutt]

I feel like I could have protected her, but at the same time, she cheated and had others lined up, so logically I was not the one to blame for her cut and run.

It could very well be that she had feelings of guilt with having an abortion and maybe summer was a triggering period for her? She has a history with bad behavior, and you had the common sense to not rush into a serious responsibility with having a child. I understand that you weren't married and leaving a person with a personality disorder can be drawn out, emotional and financial distress, extreme anger displayed from an ex partner, denial of access, prolonged custody battles, false accusations of physical and emotional abuse and there's the emotional impact that all of this has on a child; a landscape that could have been very real.

I can understand how triggering this news may be Jammo1989 and it's good to talk about it with people that can relate, there's is a silver lining for you. What have you learned about yourself?

[jammo1989]

I feel like I could have protected her, but at the same time, she cheated and had others lined up, so logically I was not the one to blame for her cut and run.

It could very well be that she had feelings of guilt with having an abortion and maybe summer was a triggering period for her? She has a history with bad behavior, and you had the common sense to not rush into a serious responsibility with having a child. I understand that you weren't married and leaving a person with a personality disorder can be drawn out, emotional and financial distress, extreme anger displayed from an ex partner, denial of access, prolonged custody battles, false accusations of physical and emotional abuse and there's the emotional impact that all of this has on a child; a landscape that could have been very real.

I can understand how triggering this news may be Jammo1989 and it's good to talk about it with people that can relate, there's is a silver lining for you. What have you learned about yourself?

Hey Mutt, if i have to be exact, and with what I analysed this is exactly what happened written out as short as possible:


It all started when she would wake up in cold sweats and have these nightmares every night saying she could smell alcohol and that it caused her to scream and cry, she then 

opened up to me over the phone about being strangled by her mothers boyfriend and that her mother not only encouraged it but she got involved as well (this you already know from past explanation) Well I went effing mad, and i said to her you disgust me! I said this in a protective rage because I had already been introduced to this woman (her mum) and my ex would still go to her mums when asked and on many occasions had been kicked out and raged at if my ex didn't give her drug money.  So in hindsight I was so angry at the fact my ex went through that but still wanted her mum in her life (Stockholm Syndrome... .maybe)  It was from then where my ex changed she would push /pull, cheat,rage, bait me.  Them after 2-3 months I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, she told me that the guy who she thinks is her dad said exactly what I did to her "You disgust me" after she had that abortion when she was 14, so am I right in saying this caused the severe trigger that set off her BPD side?  She then went into the devalue stage, I was in a motion of push/pull, this then led to I want your baby, then her friend told my ex to tell me "Just havea baby to piss him off, and thats when I flipped i said im not having an effing baby with you! it was then where she faked the pregnancy, which then led to the "you killed our baby" (fake abortion) she then met up with me after I was dumped after telling her why are you meeting up with this guy when we are still together, thats when she said im done, its over! This was then she carried on the push/pull, i love you, your so handsome, im so horny right now we should have sex, then kissing me and telling the kids miss me etc, she then said I can forgive you about the you disgust me, but I wont ever forgive you for saying i dont want a baby with you, i cant, she would then be all over me, then cry (bi polar behavior) then the push/pull went on for 2 more weeks over text, she would text  me "Hey sexy" then wouldn't reply till Thursday, would call me, then id call back and she wouldn't pick up for 2-3 days, sent me a naked picture after 5 days of her not replying then when I replied she would say "God your such a pervert!" It was only after going on Facebook and seeing her flirting with the same guy shes with now that I called her up and said I cant do this anymore, Im not stupid, im done, it was then when she blocked and deleted me from everything, literally a cut and run, in a relationship 4 days later, he stays at hers the day after I say this and pregnant 2 months later.

Was it my fault this happened?

would she have got with this guy anyway?

Surely that behavior is Borderline?


Thanks again Mutt!                 

[Mutt]

Hey Jammo1989,

Just havea baby to piss him off, and thats when I flipped i said im not having an effing baby with you! it was then where she faked the pregnancy, which then led to the "you killed our baby" (fake abortion)

It's hard to tell what someone else is thinking and its speculation. Have you heard of transference? That's my best guess. Transference is subconsciously relieving something from someone's past through someone else in the present.

transference [trans-fer´ens]

in psychiatry, the unconscious tendency of a patient to assign to others in the present environment feelings and attitudes associated with significant persons in one's earlier life; especially, the patient's transfer to the therapist of feelings and attitudes associated with a parent or similar person from childhood. The feelings may be affectionate (positive transference), hostile (negative transference), or ambivalent. Sometimes the transference can be interpreted to help the patient understand childhood attitudes.

www.medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/transference

Was it my fault this happened?

would she have got with this guy anyway?

Surely that behavior is Borderline?

BPD is highly comorbid with other personality disorders and some found in Axis-1 as well as substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

Mental illness is not your fault and it's not the pwBPD's intentions, actions are driven by the disorder.

Do you regret your decision?

I'm sorry if I don't recall the story on the new guy. What's the back-story on him?

[jammo1989]

Hey Jammo1989,

Just havea baby to piss him off, and thats when I flipped i said im not having an effing baby with you! it was then where she faked the pregnancy, which then led to the "you killed our baby" (fake abortion)

It's hard to tell what someone else is thinking and its speculation. Have you heard of transference? That's my best guess. Transference is subconsciously relieving something from someone's past through someone else in the present.

transference [trans-fer´ens]

in psychiatry, the unconscious tendency of a patient to assign to others in the present environment feelings and attitudes associated with significant persons in one's earlier life; especially, the patient's transfer to the therapist of feelings and attitudes associated with a parent or similar person from childhood. The feelings may be affectionate (positive transference), hostile (negative transference), or ambivalent. Sometimes the transference can be interpreted to help the patient understand childhood attitudes.

www.medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/transference

Was it my fault this happened?

would she have got with this guy anyway?

Surely that behavior is Borderline?

BPD is highly comorbid with other personality disorders and some found in Axis-1 as well as substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

Mental illness is not your fault and it's not the pwBPD's intentions, actions are driven by the disorder.

Do you regret your decision?

I'm sorry if I don't recall the story on the new guy. What's the back-story on him?

I dont know a great deal about the new guy, i know that he doesnt work and that her story yet again about him didnt add up.  For example she used to tell me she knew him from college when she was studying hair and beauty years ago, but, hes finishing his college cause at the age of 27 in a few months, so I very much doubt he attended college for 4 years on two separate occasions so far apart.  Thanks for that information, I think your right regarding the transference what I said un knowingly was a trigger that made her hate me and run.  Do I regret my decision? Depp down I think its more of that human want "Want what you cant have" Even before this trigger she was flirting with men openly on Facebook causing paranoya and anxiety on my part, so I guess when its all said and done my mental health is a lot more stable since we broke up, as I used to suffer from really bad anxiety, although I think my main gripe now is that I feel like even if I wanted to talk to her I cant because she now has another baby that literally is the cut off point for me, and in reality it annoys me.