Something for me to think about

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In my searching around the WWW, I came across the following and felt it worthy to share with all.

I could relate to all of this.  

To their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counter intuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?" Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce because you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in others lives--wouldn't you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that could follow if they do! You will never change this.

The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough--but she'll push you away, the instant that you do! Quite literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don't. This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be gratified. This lack of reciprocation in loving reactivates childhood wounding, and it's highly toxic to you.

When you've grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs, and backing that up with rescuing or fixing impulses in adulthood, you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it's needing to be healed.

Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating

[joeramabeme]

In my searching around the WWW, I came across the following and felt it worthy to share with all.

I could relate to all of this.  

To their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counter intuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?" Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce because you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in others lives--wouldn't you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that could follow if they do! You will never change this.

The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough--but she'll push you away, the instant that you do! Quite literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don't. This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be gratified. This lack of reciprocation in loving reactivates childhood wounding, and it's highly toxic to you.

When you've grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs, and backing that up with rescuing or fixing impulses in adulthood, you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it's needing to be healed.

Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating

[Skip]

The BPD style and NPD style of attraction is one model of relationship members have.  There is a lot of good literature on this - Joan Locklar PhD. has written extensively about it.  Its a possible all og us should at least investigate.

The quote above explains a disconnect that that can form in this type of relationship.

[valet]

Very insightful quote here.

I think that a lot of members here will find heaps of validation to those words. I do myself.

When you've grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs, and backing that up with rescuing or fixing impulses in adulthood, you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it's needing to be healed.

Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating

I find this part particularly striking. I suffered quite a bit, and still am today, simply because I allowed myself to stay stuck in this loop.

'If I can just help her, fix her... .'

This is not the way of the world, however. We cannot fix anyone, especially when they are unaware or unwillingly to fix themselves. We can be kind, yes. But we have to do what is best for ourselves.

[fromheeltoheal]

Interesting how that piece starts out gender nonspecific and then defaults to 'she'; what's up with that?

This lack of reciprocation in loving reactivates childhood wounding, and it's highly toxic to you.

Is that true?  If it is, what was that childhood wounding?  Did we know we were wounded?  How do we find out and address it?  How cool is just knowing that if it's true, and how will it change our lives?

[Mutt]

Interesting how that piece starts out gender nonspecific and then defaults to 'she'; what's up with that?

This lack of reciprocation in loving reactivates childhood wounding, and it's highly toxic to you.

Is that true?  If it is, what was that childhood wounding?  :)id we know we were wounded?  How do we find out and address it?  How cool is just knowing that if it's true, and how will it change our lives?

I think that our forum and members is a testament that everyone's different, has different life experiences, come from different walks of life, childhoods and we could interpret this as everyone has a narcissistic injury and lumping everyone into one category. Is it bias? That's how I read it.

[joeramabeme]

Very insightful quote here.

I think that a lot of members here will find heaps of validation to those words. I do myself.

When you've grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs, and backing that up with rescuing or fixing impulses in adulthood, you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it's needing to be healed.

Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating

I find this part particularly striking. I suffered quite a bit, and still am today, simply because I allowed myself to stay stuck in this loop.

'If I can just help her, fix her... .'

This is not the way of the world, however. We cannot fix anyone, especially when they are unaware or unwillingly to fix themselves. We can be kind, yes. But we have to do what is best for ourselves.

Valet, I was reading a little more about all this and the sense I am left with is; the Non's counter-equivalency to BP is seeking love/validation from someone who is inherently unavailable to love/validate and then trying to fix that in them so we can get our needs met.  Since it is unlikely (if not impossible) that we can fix them, we are, in essence perpetuating our own negative internal sense of worth.  

In summary, the way we place ourselves in relation to the pwBPD traits is our part of the 50% contribution to our unhealthy relationships.

Please note, I am not making a global statement about all of us here when I use the word "we" or "us".  I am openly reflecting on what my situation was in an attempt to share the path of healing and receive feedback.

Joe

[Skip]

Joe,

The quote you mention is just a small part of a more complex picture of NPD/BPD type relationships. At 35,000 its about codependent behaviors.

For the enabler a codependent relationship fulfills a strong drive to feel needed. Some enablers always need to be in a relationship because they feel lost or lonely when they’re by themselves.  Codependents are often inherently afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own, and in these cases the enabling behavior is a way to mitigate fears of abandonment.  Codependent enablers often lack in self-worth and define their worth through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them. They need other people to validate them to feel okay about themselves and without this, they are unable to find their own worth or identity.  For some, the codependent relationship will satisfy the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

What drives the codependency can be many things. Narcissistic wound, as is suggested in the excerpt above, is one.

... .is seeking love/validation from someone who is inherently unavailable to love/validate and then trying to fix that in them so we can get our needs met. 

This may be missing the front end... .seeking love from someone that builds and validates our self worth.

This eventually starts to fall apart... .

[valet]

I don't know, and maybe this is a watershed moment for me, but I do have to make a choice in my current life.

I have been in quite a few relationships before, and in comparison letting go of those seems a million times easier than letting go or my most recent. I posted a thread about this a few days ago. I said something along the lines of 'do we have to physically let go to mentally let go?'. This, of course, is not true. Our physical reality can help us to better understand things, but it is not the determinant factor in our feelings. Our feelings are our own.

Maybe this is self-deprecation at it's finest, but I appreciate the moment of experiencing pain and capitalizing on it. In better words, learning from it. It motivates me. It makes me feel that I know more about the world.

I still want to go back. I want to relive everything. This is denial of regret. I'd like to say that I don't regret anything, but maybe I do.

On the other side of the coin, what is there to relive? The pain of being ignored, given the silent treatment, and being sexually denied?

These are the things that keep me away, and although my instincts draw me toward these behaviors subconsciously, I do agree with myself that they are healthy.

[joeramabeme]

Joe,

The quote you mention is just a small part of a more complex picture of NPD/BPD type relationships. At 35,000 its about codependent behaviors.

For the enabler a codependent relationship fulfills a strong drive to feel needed. Some enablers always need to be in a relationship because they feel lost or lonely when they’re by themselves.  Codependents are often inherently afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own, and in these cases the enabling behavior is a way to mitigate fears of abandonment.  Codependent enablers often lack in self-worth and define their worth through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them. They need other people to validate them to feel okay about themselves and without this, they are unable to find their own worth or identity.  For some, the codependent relationship will satisfy the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

What drives the codependency can be many things. Narcissistic wound, as is suggested in the excerpt above, is one.

... .is seeking love/validation from someone who is inherently unavailable to love/validate and then trying to fix that in them so we can get our needs met. 

This may be missing the front end... .seeking love from someone that builds and validates our self worth.

This eventually starts to fall apart... .

Skip, I will read the article as I am pretty sure I am codependent.  Will post again when I have time in a few days... .

Thanks

[jhkbuzz]

The BPD style and NPD style of attraction is one model of relationship members have.  There is a lot of good literature on this - Joan Locklar PhD. has written extensively about it.  Its a possible all of us should at least investigate.

The quote above explains a disconnect that that can form in this type of relationship.

What about the quote suggests "NPD" to you, Skip?