My ex boyfriend doesn't know he has BPD

[savmez]

Hi all,

So my boyfriend and I have been separated for 2 months now, and while I'm finally starting to feel emotionally better than I have been feeling (not crying as often, not looking at his fb page as often, keeping busy with friends, etc), I still can't help thinking about how he doesn't even know he most likely has BPD.

During our relationship, we had numerous problems/discussions about his mental instability (we both thought it was depression at the time) due to his seemingly random outbursts of emotion that occurred most often after he'd been drinking (when sober, he is a very reserved person and doesn't easily share his feelings... now I know that's probably bc he hardly understands them himself); and once he'd admitted to me that he'd attempted suicide a few months prior, therapy was no longer something I would merely suggest to him, but I ended up calling his dad and telling him what my ex had admitted to me. My ex was angry for a few days about it, but ended up seeing that it was the right thing to do. He even told me later that he chose to tell me about it bc he knew I would actually take action when he wouldn't.

The problem is, the "reason" we broke up had nothing to do with his depression/BPD... .at least in my ex's mind. We both just graduated from undergrad, and while he's starting medical school next year, I'm setting off to teach abroad next year. Bottom line: neither one of us wanted to do long distance. So that's the official reason why we broke up. But in reality, in addition to long distance, it was also because of how challenging and damaging our relationship was to me. (I started seeing a therapist a few months ago after my lowest emotional point in my life.)

It's not as though my ex didn't see the effect his problems had a me, but since I didn't do anything drastic in the way of saying I would break up with him if he didn't get help, etc., there was not real motive for him to really do anything. He self-medicates with working out. He's an avid crossfitter, and has completed 3 Ironman triatholons. As much as he is intelligent enough to know he needs help, he thinks he can handle it on his own.

This post has gotten very long, but I guess the advice I need now is knowing how I can still be in my ex's life becuase I genuinely care about him, without being romantically involved anymore. I'm worried that when I return from abroad next year, he will want to get together again, and I don't know how to tell him that his Borderline Personality disorder (which he may or may not be aware of), is what is standing in the way of that possibility.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't know how to tell him that his Borderline Personality disorder (which he may or may not be aware of), is what is standing in the way of that possibility.

Hey savmez, Welcome!  That message should generally come from a professional, since you are not in a position to make a formal diagnosis.  Coming from you, it will usually be poorly received.  I suggest that you could give him the same message in a gentle, more general way, without specifically mentioning BPD, which is for him to figure out.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi savmez,



I would like to join LuckyJim and welcome you I think Lucky Jim has a good point that we are not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at BPD personality traits and characteristics and if we were told that we suffered from mental illness and a difficult personality disorder nonetheless, we may have a strong emotional reaction. We could suggest something that is easier to accept which could be anxiety / depression?

[savmez]

I agree, and that's what I had been doing throughout the relationship. He eventually started doing therapy over the phone (which I have my own opinions about), but I don't think much progress if any was being made, because about 3 months after he started therapy, he had one of his worst episodes yet.

It's just that there isn't much I can do, if he isn't willing to help himself, I realize that. But it is just very very dificult and even more heartbreaking to watch him from the sidelines

[Mutt]

H savmez,

I understand how heartbreaking that would be standing by the sidelines watching a loved one suffer from mental illness. A person that suffered from BPD can be in treatment for several years and it's difficult to overcome the disorder.

I think what helps is learning as much as we can about BPD to understand the behaviors and we can depersonalize. A goal can be to radically accept a loved one  with mental illness and accept him as he is. We don't know if he will get help for himself or not, there's always a possibility. How self aware is he?

He has to want to get help for himself and someone else can't do that for him, I think it helps to understand what he has to cope with day to day. We can be supportive with validation, depersonalize the behaviors, have strong boundaries, and it's equally important to take care of ourselves.

[Lucky Jim]

We can be supportive with validation, depersonalize the behaviors, have strong boundaries, and it's equally important to take care of ourselves.

Nicely put, Mutt.  Totally agree.  LJ

[savmez]

In response to Mutt's question: "how self aware is he", I think he is more self aware than he let's on. He is a very intelligent person, but I don't think he wants to admit to himself that he has a problem because that would be admitting that he has a weakness.

And I do like the last paragraph you wrote, and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to imagine what our future will look like (either being together or not, becuase who knows at this point), and trying to prepare myself for the possibility that he will never seek treatment. I think I have to be strong enough, if that's the case, to know that being with him would be unhealthy for me in the long-term. So that leaves me with us being "friends". This sounds like an awful and impossible second-best (like anyone who just recently got out of a relationship feels, I would assume).

[Mutt]

We are compatible with many potential partners savmez. Do you love him?

[Lucky Jim]

I think I have to be strong enough, if that's the case, to know that being with him would be unhealthy for me in the long-term.

Hey savmez, You hit the nail on the head, though it's a painful realization.  Even though I'm a strong person, BPD proved too much for me.  I thought I could "figure out" BPD, but it didn't work out that way.  BPD is far more complex than I ever imagined and I nearly destroyed myself in the process of trying to make my marriage to a pwBPD work.  I admire those who are able to sustain a r/s with a pwBPD over the long haul, but I was unsuccessful.  Everyone has their limitations.

LuckyJim

[savmez]

Yes, I do love him :/ And he loved me too, although I'm even wondering whether he actually knew how he felt or not based on all of the research i've been reading about how in BPD relationship, especially at the beginning, the person with BPD may mistake their feelings. Like, even though he thought he loved me, he was really just glad to have someone finally accepting him and loving him. So thinking about the fact that he may have not even known how he felt is pretty crushing to think about.

And in response to LuckyJim, I think that's the position I've found myself in. I was willing to sacrifice my own mental stability for too long, becuase I DO love him. But I need to start putting myself first, and unless something drastic happens (i.e. he comes to the realization on his own that he needs to seek help... .whihc would be fantastic! but probably too optimistic of me), I don't think i should go back to a relationship like that.

But again, he doesn't know that his condition was what ulitmately drove me away. He just thought it was the long distance factor. (although, since he is pretty self aware, I'm assuming he knew his problems had at least something to do with it, bc it's not as if we didn't have problems throughout the relationship)

[apollotech]

He is a very intelligent person... .

Yes, many pwBPD are very intelligent, but don't mistake that intelligence for emotional maturity. The emotional immaturity is what you will be addressing as a problem if you decide to continue the relationship.

[Gonzalo]

In response to Mutt's question: "how self aware is he", I think he is more self aware than he let's on. He is a very intelligent person, but I don't think he wants to admit to himself that he has a problem because that would be admitting that he has a weakness.

PwBPD can have a really confusing combination of apparently good emotional understanding of other people, a self-critical attitude, and an almost complete blind spot on anything to do with their condition. My ex- would give people relationship advice, often mentioned the old saying 'the only common factor in all of those is you', and really seemed to get that - for everyone else. But looking at herself was apparently too hard, as she never really looked at the pattern of her relationships, all of them very intense at first, then getting more high conflict and generally lasting 1-2 years after a move-in or other intimacy marker, with one exception who was a crazy, abusive guy who ended up killing himself.

Also, I say 'apparently' because think the emotional understanding of other people is not as good as they think or appear to have, at least in my case. She was good at picking up emotions and would often get furious over things like minor hand gestures or eye movement. But she never seemed to understand that other people could have different reactions to emotional states (she tends not to eat when sad, I tend to eat too much) and seemed to think that her personal experiences were universal (even when it seems obvious that her partners were mirroring her preferences). There's a 'funny' story that she told about losing her temper, where it's clear that she doesn't realize she's being completely unreasonable and that her partner and other people in the story are reacting like abuse victims.

I think it's easy to see that a person is generally smart and has some high emotional understanding in some areas, and to think that they have high emotional understanding in general. But from my experience, my ex- couldn't look at herself objectively, and lacks deep understanding of people's emotional responses even though she's hyper sensitive to the surface and likes to talk in depth.

[Mutt]

He is a very intelligent person... .

Yes, many pwBPD are very intelligent, but don't mistake that intelligence for emotional maturity. The emotional immaturity is what you will be addressing as a problem if you decide to continue the relationship.

PwBPD can have a really confusing combination of apparently good emotional understanding of other people, a self-critical attitude, and an almost complete blind spot on anything to do with their condition.

Hi savemez,

With the topic of intelligence in mind, I would like to add to what appollotech and Gonzalo posted with emotional immaturity and that he may be very intelligent; a pwBPD have deficits with emotional intelligence and the ability to recognize one's feelings and the feelings of others.

The relationship between EI and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has only been examined in one or two studies. According to the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition Text Revision, 2000), BPD is “…a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts” (p.706). BPD is a disorder characterised by clear and profound deficits in the ability to understand and regulate ones emotions and moods; disturbances in emotion are associated with most of the DSM-IV BPD diagnostic criteria (Levine, 1992). It therefore comes as no big surprise that in 2003 researchers Leible and Snell found that individuals with BPD had deficits in several aspects of their emotional intelligence. In fact, results from Leible and Snell’s (2003) research indicated that EI was associated with all twelve

DSM-IV personality disorders.

www.researchgate.net/publication/222661292_Emotional_intelligence_and_Borderline_personality_disorder

[rotiroti]

Just chipping in my experience with intellectual BPDers, it's very true. Mine is a physician and was really well liked at work!

Did it change the outcome or what went on behind closed doors? No.