Has her total lack of empathy been passed onto me?

[daz_bpd]

I get these messages from her. she is asking for more money and being kicked out her apartment. i had sent her 4 separate rent payments, and yet rent wasn't paid?i tell her I don't have funds, and have not been sent any more money. she very likely has called me over a 100 times these last 12 hours (no exaggeration, literally consecutive missed calls in bunches of 20-40 several times each hour)

H: D** what did you really do

H: Besides waiting

H: Why dont you call the bank and get results

H: Why cant you do that?

H: I really wanna know why you are still waiting

H: When you know I am hurt and the police has taken me

H: Are you waitingg for me to spend the night here and get raped?

H: You arent thinking

H: You only care about yourself!

H: I will never understand why you are like this

H: You said you love and care about me. It just never shows when I need you

H: D**?

H: Tell me the truth. I have misled the landlady and the police coz you are still lying to me

H: Is the money coming now?

H: The only reason im not behind bars for the chaos is because I said i will pay now

H: You got me in too much trouble

H: They are taking me to the public hospital coz my leg cracked when i fell

H: I wont have internet na and I have zero money to buy airtime. Ive been sent 3 thousand airtime that went to you missed calls

H: I know now how far you'd go just to see me hurt.

She is going through a very hard time. Although I don't know for sure what is truth and what are her made up stories. Many of her stories in the past have been lies, that she has tried to get reactions out of me and manipulate me.

My real question and reason for this post is this: I hear her pleas and read her messages and very little emotion stirs inside of me. its like looking at paintings in a museum that you have no interest in. you acknowledge their existence hanging on the wall, but nothing catches your eye, and no emotion is felt

Does my lack of empathy for her mean i am lacking empathy overall? Will I stop caring for others too?

[klacey3]

Hi there.

I don't think you lack empathy at all. Like you say you have given her money for 4 rent payments. It actually sounds like you are very caring. To me it seems like you feel the way you do becausd you have had enough of her lies and manipulation and you dont know what she says is true or not. Your mind and emotions have given up caring to work it out and help her because you have tried so hard with her and no matter what you do nothing will change. It is extremely reasonable to very annoyed by her for asking you for money after you have given her so much and endlessly contacting you. You are well aware she lies and manipulates and probably you dont feel much about what she is saying because you don't believe she is telling the truth.

so definetly dont feel bad for not feeling like you care. It doesnt sound like she has treated you well at all. Also, a person who lacks empathy wouldnt worry about not having it.

You are kind, caring and empathic!

[Sunfl0wer]

I do not see evidence in this at all of lack of empathy on your part.

What I do see is... .

It looks like you are numb to her manipulative emotional pulls.

She is trying to lay some FOG on you and you are not drinking the kool aid.

I see this "numbness" or rather "not affected" by her self created drama as a very healthy distance from her disordered expressions. 

She is trying to hold you responsible for her situation.  For you to become engaged in this with her, could be validating the invalid and can be seen as an acceptance for some of that responsibility that is only hers to bear.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey daz-

klacey and Sun have given you good stuff, and I'll just say that she's like the boy who cried wolf, you just don't buy it anymore, and your brain and your heart know that going there emotionally is not healthy for you, so they're protecting you by not letting her matter.  What will happen once you remove that silliness from your life is the caring soul you are will feel constricted bottled up like that, so it will break free and get all over everyone, and you'll appreciate it more now that you've gotten it back, and so will they.  Something to look forward to!

[Mutt]

Hi daz_BPD,

You got good advice so far. I can see how that would feel like lack of empathy.  It has to be annoying to get 100  phone calls? A way that we can look at this is protecting our morales and values with boundaries.

It sounds like you're healing and not giving the emotional response that she's trying to illicit, guilt and obligation. You gave her 4 rent payments. What did she do with the money? Were not responsible for our ex partners actions or feelings and if you gave her the money it's enabling her, she'll ask you again if she needs money in the future.

We could look at this as upholding our values, taking care of ourselves, detachment and not enabling.

[SummerStorm]

I agree with everyone else.  There comes a point in time when we have just had enough of the lies and manipulation.  Your gut just tells you, "This doesn't add up."  

My former friend BPD kept texting me when she knew I was sleeping.  She was drunk (and possibly high), and this was during a time when she was idealizing me and wanting to be with me instead, so most of the messages were things like, "Miss you," "Want you," "Wake up."  

I woke up at 3:45 or so to check the time and saw 18 unread texts from her.  The last few were her telling me that her boyfriend hit her and two pictures, one of her bloody lip and one of blood on her hand.  I saw that, and I actually paused and thought, "She was trying to get my attention and couldn't, and now she sends me this?"  I went back to bed without replying.  

Eventually, I did get up again, and there were no more messages from her.  I replied back to her and then sent her several more replies when I woke up a few hours later.  Hours later, I got a reply: "I'm okay."  It was like, she sobered up and realized what she'd done, and thought, "Oh, s__t."  Her response to all of my frantic messages was just so calm and to the point.  She only mentioned him "hitting" her one more time, probably to maintain the lie.

That's how desperate she was to get my attention.  She was willing to somehow get a bloody lip (that guy has never laid and will never lay a hand on her) and pretend that her boyfriend hit her.  If it was any other person in my life, I would have replied as soon as I got the texts.  Of course, how many other people would take a damn picture of it?  She just had to take it that far.  To her, photo evidence just couldn't be denied.  

And that, my friends, is why pwBPD shouldn't be allowed to drink or do drugs. They cause enough chaos without the aid of substances.  

So, this is definitely not a lack of empathy on your part.  This is you being done with her lies and manipulation.  If I would have been smarter, I would have never replied to her at all.  I knew she lied about things, but I never thought she was capable of something like that.