My replacement (aka ex best friend) contacted me. I need help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

[Mutt]

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

[swimjim]

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

Hey Mutt. This is very painful. I think I would have been better off not finding out she was married. Do you think I would have still been split black if I would have married her? Do you think the husband will get devalued and split black after the honeymoon period is over? Was that your experience?

[rotiroti]

Sorry you're going through such a hard time Jim... .

I guarantee you, until she gets the help she needs her behavior is not going to change. She did it with you and the replacement. Were you her first relationship? If not, what did she say about the previous ones?

[swimjim]

Sorry you're going through such a hard time Jim... .

I guarantee you, until she gets the help she needs her behavior is not going to change. She did it with you and the replacement. Were you her first relationship? If not, what did she say about the previous ones?

[/

quote]

Hi Neveragainthanks. Thanks for replying. The only thing I know about a previous relationship is that she did not marry her daughter's father. She told me back in 1994 when I met her for dinner (daughter was three months old at the time) that the baby father would not marry her when she got pregnant. She was living with him. He had specifically told her that he did not want children while they were living together. She admitted to me back in 1994 that she got pregnant on purpose. He gave her a choice to either abort or pack her bags and move out. She left and moved in with her parents. I would not date her back then because I considered her admission a big red flag. Seven years later, she backpeddled her story and said that the rubber broke during intercourse. She denies ever telling me the first story which I may have been gaslighted. I don't know which story to believe right now. Why would anyone admit to getting pregnant on purpose? Anyway, I always want to give her the benefit of the doubt. That may be part of my problem. What would you think?   

[rotiroti]

Truth or not, re-writing a major life event like that in of itself is a HUGE red flag. You recognized it  at the time and you acted on it. I am certain that you would remember something like that clearly and it certainly sounds like gaslighting in an attempt to change her image to you... .and it sounds like she succeeded!

What I am hearing is that she has not changed at all since you met her in 1994. Why would it change now especially if she is not in therapy nor admits to having a problem in the first place?

Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself for having loved and trusted someone. We went in thinking that our partners would be a good match and were on the same level as us emotionally. Well I hope we did at least!

Have you made plans for yourself this weekend?

[Mutt]

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

Hey Mutt. This is very painful. I think I would have been better off not finding out she was married. Do you think I would have still been split black if I would have married her? Do you think the husband will get devalued and split black after the honeymoon period is over? Was that your experience?

I understand how painful this is swimjim. A pwBPD are incapable of having emotional intimacy, it's emotional arrested development and they have not matured enough to have emotional intimacy, they will drive the people that they love the most away.

From my experience, after her boyfriend moved in I noticed I was slowly being split white and he's slowly being split black, it doesn't happen all at once.

[swimjim]

Truth or not, re-writing a major life event like that in of itself is a HUGE red flag. You recognized it  at the time and you acted on it. I am certain that you would remember something like that clearly and it certainly sounds like gaslighting in an attempt to change her image to you... .and it sounds like she succeeded!

What I am hearing is that she has not changed at all since you met her in 1994. Why would it change now especially if she is not in therapy nor admits to having a problem in the first place?

Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself for having loved and trusted someone. We went in thinking that our partners would be a good match and were on the same level as us emotionally. Well I hope we did at least!

Have you made plans for yourself this weekend?

I have a date with someone new tonight. I am trying to move on... .Thank you for your help.

[swimjim]

Hi swimjim,

I'm sorry to hear that. 25 years is a long history, I read your post and what struck me was how old wounds resurfaced when you got the news with your ex getting married. I can relate when I got the news that my ex was expecting a baby with my replacement, I got an email and at the end of the message she said "I don't want you to get this from the kids, we're expecting a baby" and I felt like it had hit me were my wounds are, it really hurt. I felt like I had healed a lot by that time and I was near the end and it felt like two steps back with the news, is that how you feel?

Thank you Mutt. I will keep working on myself. You may hear from me again.

Hi Mutt. Yes. I feel that I could have been her savior when she was in financial trouble. I did not know it was that bad. She just kept pressuring me to marry her right away and sell my house and buy one with her. My gut instinct said to slow down. It seemed odd that she was desperate. I could have come through for her if I knew she was about to file bankruptcy. It is only money and I would have avoided having my heart torn out. Now she has a sugar daddy to solve all her money problems. He is much older. I was in love with her and sadly still am. I wish I did not care.

I understand. I had similar savior feelings because my ex can't see the bigger picture with her choices and actions. I felt sympathetic. I had to make the call to my T when I found out my ex was pregnant. I still cared. He said that he had feelings for his first wife after he had divorced, it took him time, there are periods where we get triggered and we need to have time behind us. I say this from my experience and that I needed the pregnancy to really see my ex partners dysfunction. It helped with letting go of that final string with attachment that I had left.

Hey Mutt. This is very painful. I think I would have been better off not finding out she was married. Do you think I would have still been split black if I would have married her? Do you think the husband will get devalued and split black after the honeymoon period is over? Was that your experience?

I understand how painful this is swimjim. A pwBPD are incapable of having emotional intimacy, it's emotional arrested development and they have not matured enough to have emotional intimacy, they will drive the people that they love the most away.

From my experience, after her boyfriend moved in I noticed I was slowly being split white and he's slowly being split black, it doesn't happen all at once.

[Aussie0zborn]

Two things... .

Your post shows that you have worked it out and you can see through the nonsense.

----- BUT -----

That being the case, why do you blame yourself? I married her and the outcome was a crazy roller coaster, a financial disaster for me and it continues even after divorce with wild allegations made to the police about me. Getting arrested without notice is pretty disruptive, even if you're released without charge.

Marrying her would not have changed anything. You seriously dodged a bullet and nothing you could have done would have changed that.

It wasn't you. Free yourself of the guilt and allow yourself to live the life that you are entitled to.