I guess it's showtime

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPD/uNPD wife has decided that our marriage is irretrievably broken because of my numerous affairs that exist solely in her imagination. We now plan to go through mediation, sell the house, all of those lovely things in the near future.

I don't know how to explain how frustrating this is. I can surely understand not wanting to be married to someone who is cheating on them.  But when the whole thing's sole basis in reality is a dream she had FIVE YEARS AGO it just makes me want to scream! And the worst part about it is that I'm going to have to pay through the nose for her delusions.

When we got married we made an agreement that we would try to retire at 55. I had done fairly well when the company I worked for sold, so we thought this was an achievable goal. What happened? She quit working when she was 50, mostly because he company forced her out (she made her manager cry in public, amongst other things). She then spent the next 6 years doing nothing and pretending to improve herself while smoking lots and lots of pot. She also spent a great deal of time blaming me for her problems, criticizing me, and constantly accusing me of infidelity. Everything I tried was never good enough, nothing I could do would ever satisfy her.

It doesn't seem like much of a strategy for success, but the return on her investment is going to be immense. It's not fair. Life is not fair. Nothing is fair.

Has anyone done the mediation thing with these crazy people? Am I nuts to even think about it?

[TheRealJongoBong]

My uBPD/uNPD wife has decided that our marriage is irretrievably broken because of my numerous affairs that exist solely in her imagination. We now plan to go through mediation, sell the house, all of those lovely things in the near future.

I don't know how to explain how frustrating this is. I can surely understand not wanting to be married to someone who is cheating on them.  But when the whole thing's sole basis in reality is a dream she had FIVE YEARS AGO it just makes me want to scream! And the worst part about it is that I'm going to have to pay through the nose for her delusions.

When we got married we made an agreement that we would try to retire at 55. I had done fairly well when the company I worked for sold, so we thought this was an achievable goal. What happened? She quit working when she was 50, mostly because he company forced her out (she made her manager cry in public, amongst other things). She then spent the next 6 years doing nothing and pretending to improve herself while smoking lots and lots of pot. She also spent a great deal of time blaming me for her problems, criticizing me, and constantly accusing me of infidelity. Everything I tried was never good enough, nothing I could do would ever satisfy her.

It doesn't seem like much of a strategy for success, but the return on her investment is going to be immense. It's not fair. Life is not fair. Nothing is fair.

Has anyone done the mediation thing with these crazy people? Am I nuts to even think about it?

[JohnLove]

Hi TheRealJongoBongo (I've been reading your posts since your o went missing), I believe you have to at least make a genuine attempt although it may seem futile with regard to mediation. It is part of the resolution process.

My experience?... .a family law conference. 4 solicitors, me and my ex. 3 hours and about $5500 later. The crazy was out. The solicitors hardly flinched.

It was a stepping stone in a process.

[Herodias]

Could she be projecting? Meaning, having affairs herself? Mine would accuse me of it when he was doing it... .My understanding is it's really hard to get out of. I know a high powered attorney, who has been trying to get out of his marriage for 2 years! The courts are now deciding the property... .how awful is that? I chose to move as fast as possible. That helped me greatly. We did the divorce decree and will just sign divorce papers in Jan. He didn't want adultery on his record of all things, so we made a deal and he is now not happy about it, but too bad... .It cannot be changed. I am trying to tell myself I am divorced even if we are not, because it makes me nuts to know his gf is planning to marry him and have kids... .he tells me these are not his wishes, I said, well, you let her talk about it all over FB and she is not yet divorced either. I almost wonder if they are both BPD.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thanks for at least paying attention. I don't know if my wife is having affairs. There's no real evidence and after what she's put me through lately I really don't care. JohnLove and Herodias, thanks for the advice. The quicker I get this over with the better off I'm going to be. For the last several weeks I've been intellectually accepting that this marriage has to end for my sanity. Emotionally it's been the same old thing - maybe if I wait long enough she'll get better, she's not so bad when she's not raging, maybe she'll finally realize I'm the only stable loyal friend she has, maybe... ., maybe... ., maybe... .

Good lord, she pushes me away because I'm getting too close and then her abandonment rage kicks in and she punishes me for being pushed away. I read a paper on her desk this morning, presumably she wrote it last night after going into a rage for me quietly asking her to turn the volume down. She knows what she's doing, she feels bad about doing it, but she goes ahead and does it anyway. It's like she has two personalities in her head at the same time.

And do you want to know what she was listening to last night? She was listening to a video explaining the behavior of narcissists and how they act out. She's listening to it because she's quite convinced it applies to me. She's convinced I'm the narcissist, and that all the pain and craziness she's experiencing is because I'm controlling and manipulating her.

But then she writes the notes about how she wants to share, how she wants to be intimate, but she's deathly afraid to. She writes how she's so afraid she attacks first so it will never happen. Is it any wonder that her life is such a chaotic mess with all of these conflicting ideas running around at the same time?

I feel for her, I really do. It hurts me to the bone watching someone I love go through this.  It hurts to watch her destroy her relationship with her sister. It hurts to watch her torture her mother, who is probably going to be the next victim after me.

I want to be in a close relationship with her. I want to hold her and grow old and wrinkly and senile together. It's just not going to happen. Everybody has a point where self-preservation kicks in and yesterday I reached mine. I just can't take it any more.

[michel71]

Jongo... .how long were you married? I have been married a little over two years. I am kinda where you are at. We had another "talk" last night which went straight to BPD illogical "all over the place stuff" resulting in yet another outlandish conclusion: that I am hiding her from my friends because I don't 100% love her and she can't be in a relationship like that. So for now, for the 50th time, this is the new reason she needs to end our marriage. Oh yes, I have been "emotionally cheating" according to her for our entire relationship so I get what you have gone through Jongo.

Like you I know that this is not healthy and that I can't take it anymore. I have fantasies of life as it used to be for me... .happy, healthy, sleeping well, financially stable, socializing, snow skiing (that stopped when I met her). Like all of us here its mostly CHAOS and AGONY being with a BPD. Mine is undiagnosed but most certainly has NPD as well.

It comes down to this: them or us. I have chosen myself. When I first got together with here she was my everything. Now I am my everything.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Jongo... .how long were you married? I have been married a little over two years. I am kinda where you are at. We had another "talk" last night which went straight to BPD illogical "all over the place stuff" resulting in yet another outlandish conclusion: that I am hiding her from my friends because I don't 100% love her and she can't be in a relationship like that. So for now, for the 50th time, this is the new reason she needs to end our marriage. Oh yes, I have been "emotionally cheating" according to her for our entire relationship so I get what you have gone through Jongo.

Like you I know that this is not healthy and that I can't take it anymore. I have fantasies of life as it used to be for me... .happy, healthy, sleeping well, financially stable, socializing, snow skiing (that stopped when I met her). Like all of us here its mostly CHAOS and AGONY being with a BPD. Mine is undiagnosed but most certainly has NPD as well.

It comes down to this: them or us. I have chosen myself. When I first got together with here she was my everything. Now I am my everything.

We're still married, have been for 10 years. That should be some reinforcement to you that the crazy is going to be pretty much permanent. I should be used to this by now but it's difficult because you never know what's real and what's projection. Just as an update this last episode has been going like this (my wife is the 'I':

I want us to go on vacation

I don't want to go on vacation now. I don't want any contact

I want to go on vacation with you again

I don't want to go on vacation, I want a divorce

I don't want a divorce, I want to go on vacation

If I ask for clarification on any of this it's usually "I don't have to tell you anything". For the last bit I at least got " I have to work some things to work out". And I got a hug too. Another plus is I got to a start on collecting my stuff to move out with should it come to that. It turns out that in this maelstrom of chaos in this house I actually have very little to call my own so I could disappear in a flash.

You know something else? I went out after work yesterday for somebody's retirement party and it was surreal listening to these people talking about normal relationship stuff, stuff that is mostly overshadowed in my life with the BPD crazy. It just felt that I had nothing in common with these people at all. They talk about their life bits and I really can't contribute much because none of them would understand, all of them would get very uncomfortable listening to it, and then I'd have to put up with their concerned looks and comments forever. I don't really want to be treated like a leper so I just keep my mouth shut and listen. At least I can vent here.