I was struck by this comment...

[Lifewriter16]

Earlier today, I was struck by part of a comment made by one of today's posters. My apologies to whomever I'm quoting from - I forgot to take your name when I saved it for later:

You can't say how you feel because they will feel threatened. If you say nothing they feel threatened. If you talk about the weather instead they feel threatened because it's not about them. Your only option seems to be only to make comforting noises and nod. And then they feel threatened because you're not sharing.

This puts my experience into words so succinctly. Whatever I do, I simply can't win. On a number of occasions, I have managed to have what seemed to be a reasonable discussion with my ex, he listened to everything I said and made we plans to improve things between us, yet later, it all became switched around. I told him recently that it feels like having 6 boyfriends and that I have to talk to each of them about a particular issue because if I only tell one of them, it doesn't get through to the others. He said, there aren't six of him and all the modes hear what I say it's just that they have a different perspectives or interpretations. Given there's 9 of those unhealthy coping modes, what chance on earth is there of things ever improving? NONE - so why can't I let go?

Lifewriter

[Mutt]

Hi Lifewriter16,

I completely understand. I can see how it's frustrating and it feels hopeless to talk to an ex SO.

I told him recently that it feels like having 6 boyfriends and that I have to talk to each of them about a particular issue because if I only tell one of them, it doesn't get through to the others. He said, there aren't six of him and all the modes hear what I say it's just that they have a different perspectives or interpretations.

Do you mean there are 9 symtoms for BPD and you have to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms to have a diagnosis for BPD?

A pwBPD need a lot of validation and feelings equals facts. Have you tried the  communication tools on the staying board like SET ( Support Empathy Truth ) and validate how he feels?

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi Lifewriter16, that's my quote!

I sometimes too feel like I'm stuck in a loop for which there is no exit. What I've been doing is to document everything that's been going on in my relationship, and actually record or write down the interactions between me and my uBPDw. The more I do that, the more I realize that I've been fooling myself that anything is going to change. I'd also been fooling myself that there was actually more substance to our relationship other than me being support for her.

I mostly document by writing stuff on these boards and by actually communicating what's going on in my relationship with my family. Because her behavior was starting to endanger myself I also started recording   all our interactions. Way back my wife got very upset that I was telling anybody what was going on and I, like a fool, bought into it. I found later that this method of cutting off support is a classic brainwashing technique because it forces you to only interact with your controller. Opening those communications is a big help for me because I can now build a more balanced picture of what's going on.

Another thing the documentation does is to minimize the selective amnesia that occurs with me when she dysregulates. Before I would watch one of these episodes occur and interact, but what actually happened would quickly disappear in my memory. This amnesia is do doubt good for the garden variety stress but it's simply horrible for a BPD relationship because it usually makes me feel like the bad guy. If I write it down then it helps me to realize that it's not about me. When I read it again it presses me to think if I really want this BS in my life. All of it is more fresh in my memory and reinforces that my wife has no trust, no empathy, and only wants to control people so she'll won't feel as bad.

In the past the horribleness of the dysregulation events would fade away with time and I would only remember the good bits, and that made it very hard to leave. Now that I'm forcing myself to remember it's making it harder and harder to stay.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Mutt.

No, I was talking about Schema Therapy, I should have made that clearer.

My BPDxbf has been doing Schema Therapy. My very limited understanding of it is that there are 10 coping modes or different ways of interacting with the world which someone with BPD may adopt. Only some of these are considered to be maladaptive (not nine of them as I said in my original post).

I have never quite been able to figure out which mode my BPDxbf is in at any one time, because he's not that open to discussing the switches as they happen. However, I can see him switch from one mode to another when we are together. Each mode seems to have characteristic behaviours. He talks about different things and reacts differently to me depending upon which mode he is in. The frustrating thing is that when we apart, he shifts from mode to mode but I'm not there to witness it so there's no forewarning. The first knowledge I have of the shift is when I get a text from him that is clearly displaying hostility. It's difficult to assess when the trigger took place. I don't often know exactly what he's dysregulating about. I have to try and figure that out.

I have tried SET and it does work (for him). It helped to prevent a breakup which would have otherwise been inevitable. Eventually, he stopped dysregulating. However, I was absolutely exhausted by the time I'd used it for the 4 hours it took me to calm him down. During that time, my own fears and needs remained completely unaddressed. I decided that wasn't the way to spend my life. I need to extricate myself... .but I don't seem to be able to let go yet.

Lifewriter  x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi TheRealJongoBongo,

I agree that it is so easy to focus upon the positive and forget the negative. I too find documentation useful in that respect. I have transcribed a number of my text exchanges with my BPDxbf and read them back a number of times. Sometimes I realise I was at fault. Other times, it helps me see very clearly where my BPDxbf has switched from one mode to another. To me, he misinterprets me all the time and that is a big trigger for me. Writing that is a realisation. It is a big trigger when someone misinterprets me and makes me out to be nasty or unreasonable - it harks back to my mother. I'll work on that later.

Love Lifewriter

x

[JohnnyShoes]

Hi Lifewriter16, that's my quote!

I'd also been fooling myself that there was actually more substance to our relationship other than me being support for her.

Hi RealJongoBong... .

I really enjoyed this line. I will be printing this one out. It expresses exactly how I feel. Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi Lifewriter16,

The first knowledge I have of the shift is when I get a text from him that is clearly displaying hostility. It's difficult to assess when the trigger took place. I don't often know exactly what he's dysregulating about. I have to try and figure that out.

I understand. I have been able to identify maladaptive parent modes with my ex partner and the punitive parent when she sends me hostile emails, it's like a hidden tape that's self critical and is subconsciously triggered and she can be blaming and abusive. I don't know what triggered her or why she's emotionally dysregulated because it's something that's going on in her life, if I need to respond to something that's important about the kids, I validate what's valid and not the invalid.

If the communication tools don't work there's nothing that I can do. I wait for a few hours and sometimes I'll wait a full day to try to communicate with her again and often I'll find her in a different mode. That way it's easier to communicate and she's dissociated or isn't aware of what had previously taken place with her hostile and volatile behavior.

Do you feel like you're triggering him somehow? I know that my exe's boyfriend is a trigger.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Mutt,

What seems to happen is that my BPDxbf has seen or texted his parents or ex wife during the day, unbeknownst to me so he's already dysregulating and I walk straight into the trap.

Lifewriter

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt,

What seems to happen is that my BPDxbf has seen or texted his parents or ex wife during the day, unbeknownst to me so he's already dysregulating and I walk straight into the trap.

Lifewriter

How do they talk to him and treat him? Are they invalidating and get frustrated with him?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Mutt,

If what he says is to be believed, my BPDxbf's ex-wife only contacts him when she wants money and frequently makes it difficult for him to see his daughter. His father sounds a delight to know (not). My BPDxbf says he only sees his father to protect his daughter and because he is frightened for his mother's safety. He has painted his father as a brute who beat him up and hospitalised him when he was two years old, who has beaten up half his relatives (including his mother, his grandmother, his uncle and a babysitter who was kind to him), has ASPD traits, is racist. loves the nazis and is unpleasant to everyone. I guess that would trigger anyone.

Lifewriter

[Mutt]

Hi Lifewriter16,

Your BPDxbf's is emotionally dysregulated and he can't self sooth. I agree it is hard to say what's to be believed, he alters reality often? That being said, it sounds like he's triggered and emotionally distressed and it may very well be coming from his parents or his ex-wife.

I wanted to learn about the behavior to depersonalize the experiences that I went through and to make family life easier for both families by trying to understand why she behaves the way that she does sometimes and get off the emotional roller-coaster for a more peaceful life.

It sounds like you are trying and you know the communication tools and prevented a break-up that otherwise would have been inevitable. I sometimes felt like I was culpable when my ex is triggered and I'm not a part of her life, she has chaotic interpersonal relationships and her boyfriend is triggering because he gets frustrated with her behaviors.