People pleasing

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After months of being apart from my ex I have come to several realisations.

He was typically controlling and I was typically people pleasing. I would do everything for him and in return got praise and appreciation and affection from him. This made me feel loved and valued. What he got was someone that would try and meet all of his needs without having to do much in return and not being challenged on things he had done/hadn't done. Things got bad when I started requesting things from him in return as i began to feel like I wasnt getting enough from him. He got fed up too because i was challenging him and questioning him about disrespectful things he was doing. This is when most of the manipulation and controlling behaviours came out. He even said to me he didnt want to be with me how i currently was because he didnt want a girl that didnt tell him he was goodlooking, and questioned him.

I was drawn to him for the appreciation and affection from meeting his needs = me feeling loved and valued

he was drawn to me because he had someone doing everything for him and getting away with anything he wanted with no conflict = he felt loved and valued

Im worried that I will never get out of this people pleasing role. Since being apart from my ex I feel empty and feel like meaning from life is gone. I have been on dates with other people since the split and it just feels boring and doesn't mean anything to me. I think this is why I am having problems blocking my exs emails. I feel needed and that feels good. I am starting to miss the relationship and want to see him again. I know its crazy because it was so emotionally chaotic but I got from him something I cant get from anywhere else.

I thought I broke up with him because I realised I deserve better than all of the nastiness, the lies, the manipulation etc. Now I am starting to think it was actually just because I felt like I failed in making him happy. If he hadnt compared me to his exs and threatened to meet other girls if I didnt give in to his demands I think I would have stayed. This was a sign I had failed and wasn't important/valued. Im worried I havent changed and will continue to 'people please' all through my life to get love and affection in return.  

I don't know who I am without this part of me... .its my identity. If I can't focus on meeting others needs and keeping them happy I don't know what to do with myself. Life feels meaningless and I feel like I have no personality without it.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[klacey3]

After months of being apart from my ex I have come to several realisations.

He was typically controlling and I was typically people pleasing. I would do everything for him and in return got praise and appreciation and affection from him. This made me feel loved and valued. What he got was someone that would try and meet all of his needs without having to do much in return and not being challenged on things he had done/hadn't done. Things got bad when I started requesting things from him in return as i began to feel like I wasnt getting enough from him. He got fed up too because i was challenging him and questioning him about disrespectful things he was doing. This is when most of the manipulation and controlling behaviours came out. He even said to me he didnt want to be with me how i currently was because he didnt want a girl that didnt tell him he was goodlooking, and questioned him.

I was drawn to him for the appreciation and affection from meeting his needs = me feeling loved and valued

he was drawn to me because he had someone doing everything for him and getting away with anything he wanted with no conflict = he felt loved and valued

Im worried that I will never get out of this people pleasing role. Since being apart from my ex I feel empty and feel like meaning from life is gone. I have been on dates with other people since the split and it just feels boring and doesn't mean anything to me. I think this is why I am having problems blocking my exs emails. I feel needed and that feels good. I am starting to miss the relationship and want to see him again. I know its crazy because it was so emotionally chaotic but I got from him something I cant get from anywhere else.

I thought I broke up with him because I realised I deserve better than all of the nastiness, the lies, the manipulation etc. Now I am starting to think it was actually just because I felt like I failed in making him happy. If he hadnt compared me to his exs and threatened to meet other girls if I didnt give in to his demands I think I would have stayed. This was a sign I had failed and wasn't important/valued. Im worried I havent changed and will continue to 'people please' all through my life to get love and affection in return.  

I don't know who I am without this part of me... .its my identity. If I can't focus on meeting others needs and keeping them happy I don't know what to do with myself. Life feels meaningless and I feel like I have no personality without it.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[hopealways]

Of course, we can all relate. People pleasers are targets of the predatory BPD. If you were not a people pleaser you wouldn't be here.  We find worth not in ourselves, but in making others happy and that is what is wrong. I have actively tried to change this in a few ways:

1. Just say NO. When you don't feel like doing something say NO. To anyone, not just your SO.

2. Spend more time with yourself. I know it feels like it sucks doing things by yourself, but it shouldn't. Take this time to see that you have value and are unique.

3. Do things to make yourself happy instead of others. 

Even small things like telling yourself to stop saying thank you as much or asking everyone how they are doing, helps. It's not being rude. It is just realizing the real reason behind being so darn nice is a fear that people will not like you.  Once you get over that you are almost there!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes klacey, I can relate to that, and you and I are by no means the only ones; the world is full of folks like us.  The bottom line, the core, is that we don't feel 'good enough' to be loved for who we are, so we work at being loved for what we do.  Work really hard to meet someone else's needs, and then just maybe they'll meet ours.

People pleasing is not permanent or terminal, it just takes some work, which for me starts with a focus shift; get really selfish, which feels weird and wrong for people like us, but do it anyway, make your needs matter more than anyone else's because you say so, and then notice what you're getting from people.  Some people can be mostly abusive but throw you a bone every now and then to keep you hooked, some people will never even consider your needs or even realize you have them, and some people will want to help you get your needs met and genuinely care about you.  That shift to selfishness becomes a great filter to see who we want in our lives and who we don't, who will have our best interests in mind and who won't.

The other piece is to realize we can be turning to someone else to get something we don't think we already have, love.  Try this: look yourself in the eye in a mirror, like you would someone you love, and say 'I love you'.  Weird at first, but if you really commit, like really make it matter, the feelings can be profound, and also illuminating, as you realize you had what you were looking for from others, and worked really hard pleasing them to get it, all along.  All you need is within you now.

There aren't any quick fixes to this type of project, although we can make ourselves feel amazing in the moment, moment to moment, because we say so, but it's the best kind of project, the opportunity to build a life we want to live from scratch, and the perfect time to start is when we've got the motivation of current pain from an old one that wasn't working.

[focus]

Oh yes I can relate.

I just recently discovered that I'm co-dependent.

I reccomend you read about codependentcy and see if you can relate to that.

Ross Rosenberg talks about codependency and their relationships with people who are "emotional manipulators" or people with NPD or BPD.

He has a youtube channel.

[scgator]

Yes klacey, I can relate to that, and you and I are by no means the only ones; the world is full of folks like us.  The bottom line, the core, is that we don't feel 'good enough' to be loved for who we are, so we work at being loved for what we do.  Work really hard to meet someone else's needs, and then just maybe they'll meet ours.

People pleasing is not permanent or terminal, it just takes some work, which for me starts with a focus shift; get really selfish, which feels weird and wrong for people like us, but do it anyway, make your needs matter more than anyone else's because you say so, and then notice what you're getting from people.  Some people can be mostly abusive but throw you a bone every now and then to keep you hooked, some people will never even consider your needs or even realize you have them, and some people will want to help you get your needs met and genuinely care about you.  That shift to selfishness becomes a great filter to see who we want in our lives and who we don't, who will have our best interests in mind and who won't.

The other piece is to realize we can be turning to someone else to get something we don't think we already have, love.  Try this: look yourself in the eye in a mirror, like you would someone you love, and say 'I love you'.  Weird at first, but if you really commit, like really make it matter, the feelings can be profound, and also illuminating, as you realize you had what you were looking for from others, and worked really hard pleasing them to get it, all along.  All you need is within you now.

There aren't any quick fixes to this type of project, although we can make ourselves feel amazing in the moment, moment to moment, because we say so, but it's the best kind of project, the opportunity to build a life we want to live from scratch, and the perfect time to start is when we've got the motivation of current pain from an old one that wasn't working.

Exactly! I know change and introspection can be difficult but for me, this rs showed me what I was doing wrong and has been an incredible opportunity to change. I had to face my fears though and just push through. By fears I mean there was a part of me that has been afraid of LIVING, afraid of acceptance and afraid of taking exposing myself to life because of insecurities and this was on a very deep level. This was an inner child and I had to deal with him and show myself the love, understanding and compassion that I tried to show my ugfwBPD. I am a people pleaser and I just shifted my focus to make sure I am the person I'm pleasing.

I started living on the edge of my comfort zone, talking to strangers, introducing myself to new people, going out alone, sitting alone, facing the pain and grief from my FOO - not the rs, that was the catalyst though I grieved for it too - finding out what I like and want to do and then doing it. I've been to meetup groups and met new friends. I'm not actively seeking a relationship because I want to enjoy myself for awhile. I'm not far along on this journey of recovery from not loving and respecting myself but in just a few short weeks I feel totally different. I have been going to therapy and my last session will be my last for awhile. My T said it was like I'd undergone a transformation and that I even looked different than I did in June when I started going back to see her. I've embraced the opportunity that life has given me to improve myself and love myself.

Life sure is a strange journey. Take care of you, please yourself, don't be afraid to say no - I've done it without explanation and found hey, it's ok, my friends accept no! I don't have to justify myself! Wow, it's weird at first but once you see there is no need to fear reprisal because after all, this is your life, then I would imagine you will be more comfortable with it.

I would say though, if you're not in therapy then at least try it out. There may be some FOO issues you're not even aware of that has set the blueprints of your relationships. I know in my case this was very true. Now it's weird but I'm enjoying MY life, for ME, something I've never done and it feels great. Hang in there and do what you can for you and you'll begin to see light at the end of the tunnel.

[DaKid]

Thank you for this thread. I am guilty of this too. I help people without thinking about it. It end up putting my to dos off. And that only hurts me and puts me behind.

I spend most of my time alone. (I work at home and online). So I'm ok with being alone. I just would like to spend my spare time with someone special. And maybe I had the blinders on didn't pay attention to the signs.

Definitely gonna try setting boundaries. And saying no to helping too much.

I still struggle with the thought of not being able to make her happy too.

Going to check out those videos too. That's for that suggestions too

[Mutt]

Hi klacey3,

I have been on dates with other people since the split and it just feels boring and doesn't mean anything to me.

I can relate. My question to you is do you feel like you're ready to date?

[scgator]

I know its crazy because it was so emotionally chaotic but I got from him something I cant get from anywhere else.

Klacey, if you really think about it, can you give all that you got to yourself without the chaos? I don't think there's anything wrong with being a people-pleaser if you please yourself first.

I would do everything for him and in return got praise and appreciation and affection from him.

As you said in another thread, our circumstances are very similar. Can you do this for you and give yourself praise, appreciation and affection? It may seem weird to look in the mirror and say the good things you would hear from him but it does work.

Here's a brief exercise: www.self-esteem-school.com/increasing-self-esteem.html

Changing our identity, or tweaking it if you prefer, feels strange in the beginning, but from my experience and perspective, baby steps are victories to be celebrated and each step gets easier. You know what to expect from that rs, you don't know what life and the future holds for you.

Think about it, you met someone who really, unbeknownst to you, needed help. You tried to help as best you could and in return were treated poorly. Maybe not all the time, but does it matter? If you tried to help a stranger on the side of the road and all they did was compare your efforts to the last person's or tell you that you didn't help them enough or worse, put you down for it, how would you feel? In general, people don't behave this way.

You are a loving, compassionate person, understanding and patient. You're also strong. I don't know you but I know this because all of us on here are that way. We stayed as long as we could, we tried all we could and then we had to leave to take care of ourselves. We didn't fail, we did one heck of a job and more than most people would have. Give yourself the credit for that, take pride in being strong and taking care of yourself. Sure, there may be moments of weakness but you can get through that, you've gotten through worse, right?