So confused and trying to make sense of my life - wife gone

[Gfc2000]

My wife left two months ago after a chaotic ending of our marriage. I am trying to keep alive a small amount of hope she may get balanced views soon and maybe think about what she has done. She was acting in a depressed way in late May and was blurting out to strangers private things like being raped when she was 15 and about her abusive bully father and her second marriage was to a violent drunk who she said recently also raped her. She was married twice before we met 91 and married in 94. We have three children 17, 21 and 22. She has left them all behind two of them live with me still, our girls. Our son is at university in London.

Our marriage was busy, we had many rows and separations partly being young, partly due to my immaturity (this was my first proper relationship and the only person I have ever lived with) but she was always idealising me, not wanting me to have friends, family and children were always all she believed was needed. I was constantly accused of affairs, she used to smell me when I came in from work. (Perfume) We moved a lot sometimes due to my work, other times because everytime we finished a house renovation she wanted to sell and move up again. She did not work until 2004 and changed jobs whenever we moved never working more than 25 hours a week. She always had dreams of being famous in glamour modelling, her art work, starting businesses without any proper plans etc. about 15 different ideas over 20 years. My family and I always asked her to get counselling, she never did. I did have a short affair in 2003, confessed and we seperated for 3 months. We reconciled through relate and I went and got personal counselling for two months to help me, it really did.

We had two kids with aspergers which was a big strain throughout the last ten years and it has been hard to help them and manage their lives. I have always though loved my wife deeply and properly.

We made a bad financial descision in 2010 and lost all our home sale equity in the rental trap. The last five years I have been working 60 hours weeks to get rid of debt and put us into a position to move forward again. We are about there now but she has gone now.

Back in May she got chatting to a man on Twitter who liked one of her paintings. The next thing behind my back she is talking to him 5 hours a day. In mid June I find sexual comments from him to her openly on Twitter. I challenged her assertively and she collapses into a mental breakdown. The next 5 weeks she is saying she wants seperation,  shouting and blaming me for everything wrong in the marriage. Tells me I am an abusive husband, I would not win husband of the year I do know that, but I am not abusive, I know that, her family know it's untrue as do our friends. Everyone has always commented on what a lovely couple we are. She just refers back to all our arguements and my affair 15 to 20 years ago.

She eventually asked me to book her a holiday away for space which I did. She was awful when away abusive texts, calling out to this man on Twitter openly just awful. She came back in a rage and screamed for divorce in front of the two girls. I did not even recognise her, such hate in her eyes to me.

I had helped her and Was so kind to her through this period, she even tried to sleep with me numerous times. I got her a house to move into locally and sorted out treatment for her through my private health.

Two days later she disappeared into the women's refuge service texting the kids she would be away for a long time. Now she has been relocated elsewhere but is getting therapy. Again texting the kids only that she would now be away for two years.

She is zero contact with me, changed phone numbers and email. I have not tried to contact her. She has a diagnosis of trauma and PTSD and recently was told her personality was being assessed for interpersonal hypersensitivity. This seems a red flag for BPD traits. My kids have told me she has been going to them at night for 10 years telling them she has nothing to live for, hatred for me, emptiness and unhappiness. She NEVER said a word to me. I realise I have been too busy working and probably have not been a great husband emotionally in support but we had no choice I had to work.

I love and miss her so much. I have been left with the kids, my son is aspergers and needs twice weekly help to mange life, he recently threatened to kill himself, my older daughter is close to breakdown and shouts at me blaming me for her mum going away and my youngest is really struggling. I am having to keep working, trying to hold onto my job which is hard, my health has suffered and I have lost 56lbs in weight.

She has not apologised for her emotional affair, blames me for everything, blocked me out, sees nothing good in me.

I love and miss her so much and and just trying to hold it all together for my kids and keep work going. Why is she so cruel no one should be treated like this at the end of a long marriage I always thought we were friends and parent partners. I feel like the abused one I really do. Any advise or support I am so grateful thank you.

[enlighten me]

Hi Gfc

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you and your children are going through this.

There are a number of lessons that might be useful for you.

Firstly the leaving board lessons might be of some help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

You may want to look at the co-parenting board as well. Even though your children are older and your youngest will be an adult soon some of the information there may still be useful.

We have all in way or another been through the pain and anguish of a BPD break up. It is a confusing time where it is hard to make sense of what is going on.

How are your children coping?

Have you seen the DSM 5 criteria for BPD? It is not necessary to have a diagnoses for you to know something is wrong. It can help to either dismiss it or gain understanding of it though. It may also help when talking to your children about it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114843.0

The behaviour your wife has shown is very common.

You have a lot to digest at the moment and I don't want to over load you. Whenever you want to talk more we will be here for you.

EM

[Gfc2000]

Thanks E M - so appreciate your kind reply.

I am doing better now than previous months when I just fell apart. My kids were worried about me. I feel like I can cope a bit now, just so many nostalgic memories make me very sad. Two months worth of nightmares every night have not helped.

I am taking anti anxiety beta blockers, heart rythem a bit off at times due to stress,  4 stones in weight gone and general health deteriorated. She has certainly knocked me for a six.

My wife did come back for a visit two weeks ago, only to her mother's a half mile away. Organised last minute and arranged with the girls. I came back to find the family home empty of so many belongings, pictures, ornaments etc. no discussion just a texted shopping list to the girls of things she wanted. I found this so awful and disrespectful.

The girls saw her for the first time in months. They are too frightened to say what they really feel because they are scared she will hurt herself / suicide risk. (She has been telling them things like this for years unbeknown to me as I explained). Girls named it mums pandoras box for years. I never knew! If I had I could have done something, I don't blame them though they are just kids. Not their fault.

I have looked at the  DSM 5 criteria a lot.

I can see a very strong match in 4 definitely but possible 5.

Kids are coping but taking a lot out on me. That's ok I understand as the lone parent standing that's likely. I just do my best every day.

Thanks again, I really do appreciate any advice comments or just friendly words. Really appreciate your kind words.

[enlighten me]

Its good that you are looking after your health. Its very easy to neglect ourselves. I know I did.

Your children will be just as confused as you at the moment. Maybe even more so as they may feel torn with their loyalty. I had the same problem with my sons. I tried to remain as constant as I could with them. I also never said anything negative about there mum in front of them.

The behaviour you spoke of with her as I said before is a very common one. We can only guess as to what drives it but it would appear that their feeling become too much to cope with so rather than face up to them they run. To help them run they need to paint you black. Its easier to detach from someone you don't like than it is for someone you like. When the painting black starts to fade it would appear that guilt/ shame will then keep them away.

I have had a similar chat with another member. Although your situations differ the conversation we had might be useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283412.0

I would like to add that I am not a professional and my theories are based on what I have been through and relate more to my own experiences. Every one is different as is every pwBPD s the reasons behind what they do can be different.

EM

[Gfc2000]

Thanks again and for direction to the posts.

I also try not to say anything to the girls negative about their mum. At least they have seen how much I loved her for real. I don't want to suffer in front of them though.

I have now rid myself of any false blame or shame.

She accepted the marriage after we attended couples counselling in 2003 but now uses it as her reason and blaming me for leaving. 13 years later.

I know I have done my best, we would have sunk without a trace had I left anything to her. She sees nothing wrong in her betrayal just venom and blame at me.

I just want to protect and encourage my kids now. She is in treatment which at is a good thing, perhaps whilst she is away I can repair the damage she has done to them, although she is texting and calling them occasionally.

I know I am a good man, decent and good morals. I have made mistakes like we all do, I have flaws but I did my best everyday and I did it always for my family.

It's a horrible illness and I feel sorry for her but I won't hold onto false blame. I only wish her to get better.

Maybe one day she will understand what she threw away.

[enlighten me]

I think she already realises that.

Did anything strike a chord for you in the posts?

[Gfc2000]

Hi EM.

Yes quite a bit was similar and helped make sense of my situation. I am not going to accept any divorce paperwork for at least six months to give me and the girls time and space to heal 

I hope her diagnosis is just traits and not full blown disorder for hope. I am staying strong, I have motivated myself through taking my private pilots licence and am over half way through now. All achieved since she left. I am so sad a long marriage could end like this but hold out a candle of hope she may contact me in the future.  Hard days but moving forwards.

[enlighten me]

Hi Gfc

Im glad the posts helped.

Well done on your PPL. I was thinking of doing mine but I don't think I would ever used it so not a sensible expense for me.

Even though one day she may want to come back it might be easier to think in a worse case scenario. By this I mean move forward as if you were definitely splitting up. By doing this you can take control of your life without worrying about her as much. This will get you to a better place quicker and if she does come back you will be physically and mentally better equipped.

It might be worth you looking at the staying boards or the undecided. These boards might give you more insight into your situation than the leaving board alone.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best.

Keep up the flying.

EM