Are illnesses masks for true issues like guilt or shame?

[sweetheart]

I like it ML, I think it sounds like a authentic, honest response that says where you're at. Perhaps you could suggest that the L uses your response to help your wife make an 'informed decision' on what her options are, given that you do not want to proceed with the request, or something like that?

This is not something I know anything about, have you thought of asking on the Legal board at all?

But I still like your response, it's true to you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

I like it ML, I think it sounds like a authentic, honest response that says where you're at. Perhaps you could suggest that the L uses your response to help your wife make an 'informed decision' on what her options are, given that you do not want to proceed with the request, or something like that?

That's a good idea!

This is not something I know anything about, have you thought of asking on the Legal board at all?

But I still like your response, it's true to you.

I will do that this evening or tomorrow at some point.  They would like a response within the next 19 days.

[MaroonLiquid]

     Still funny to me how things with pwBPD can change.  Two days ago, my wife didn't want to spend anytime with me, and now, I guess that has changed... .Last night after practice was the first time (in almost a year) where my wife and I had a phone conversation where we talked for a total of 2-1/2 hours.  Our first conversation was about 30 minutes and mostly about softball.  She was telling me some of the things parents were saying and I validated those things and she even took up for me to one of them.  I thanked her for "having my back" and she said, "Well, they come to me as your wife and I feel like I need to."  I took that as a good thing, but I just let that one simmer with her and validated other things she said.  When we hung up, I texted her and told her how much I appreciated the fact that she had my back. 

     About 20 minutes later she called me back and that's when we talked for 2 hours.  The next conversation, she asked me some questions about "our daughter" (her words).  Funny, the other day it was "her children".     Anyway, her exact words were, "Speaking of our daughter, what do you think about... ."  It wasn't a no-win type of question, but she was genuinely asking what I thought and actually wanted my input.  I was actually shocked she asked me, and even more shocked she used the "our daughter" moniker.  I never acted like it shocked me or anything, I just continued on in the conversation.  She told me her first volleyball game was Thursday and I told her I would like to go.  She said, "Yes, please... .Of course."  She told me when her games were and what our other kids were involved in and when they were.  It was weird because I refuse to think too much into this, (part of the cycle) and as I have the last few months, will just take each day as it comes.  The more I stay centered with my emotions and not react to hers or her bait, the more she comes around.  Thoughts?

[123Phoebe]

The more I stay centered with my emotions and not react to hers or her bait, the more she comes around.  Thoughts?

Yes, I think this is very true, until... .she starts devaluing again, when it gets to be too close for comfort or whatever her particular triggers are that set her off (which sometimes have absolutely nothing to do with us, only we think they might so we get triggered ourselves and create problems where there weren't any to begin with).

If you're happy and content with the way things are, living in separate households, having the strength and stamina of your own to withstand her outbursts (whatever they might look like), accept her for who she is without trying to change her, then yea, the more you stay centered in your own emotions, the more peaceful your life will be.

If you ultimately want to live together again, then prepare yourself for more devaluing.  If you're looking for the white picket fence, then buy a house and put one up, for you.  No expectations that she's going to happily skip along and forever be the loving wife by your side who never has bad days.

Be true to who you are, while not trying to change her.  Enjoy all the good stuff because that IS your reality of the moment!  Personally, I refuse to not enjoy my time or our good times together; I'm not on pins and needles waiting for the axe to fall.  It will!  I can't change that.  And I look forward to all kinds of things, including his emotional support.  You just gotta know when now is not the time; we're not the only one's to have boundaries.

Respect her and yourself

[MaroonLiquid]

Be true to who you are, while not trying to change her.  Enjoy all the good stuff because that IS your reality of the moment!  Personally, I refuse to not enjoy my time or our good times together; I'm not on pins and needles waiting for the axe to fall.  It will!  I can't change that.  And I look forward to all kinds of things, including his emotional support.  You just gotta know when now is not the time; we're not the only one's to have boundaries.

Respect her and yourself

Being true to who I am is definitely what I am doing better at lately.  Case in point was yesterday.  Our daughter had her first volleyball game of the season and she also sang the national anthem (which I didn't know was happening until I got there).  Anyway, I texted my wife midday yesterday to ask her what time the game started as I thought she told me 6:30 and wanted to make sure.  She didn't respond.  She hasn't communicated with me much since we talked on the phone for 2-1/2 hours the other night.  That part of her disorder is a BIG turnoff for me I'm realizing and easier to help not take things she does personally.  I didn't let it bother me nor did I let it stop me from going.  I decided I'm taking that control out of her hands going forward regarding the kids events.  Anyway, I looked on the school website and found out her game started at 5:30.  I actually beat my wife to the school and when I walked in, our daughter gave me a big smile and waved at me.  I smiled and waved back.  I was glad I could make her happy.  A few minutes later, our older daughter walked into the gym and came up to me and asked me if I had any cash they could borrow to get in.  I smiled and said, "No, sorry, I don't.  I had two one dollar bils on me to get in and thankfully that is all it was or I would have had to go to the ATM machine."  She said ok and walked back to her mom who was standing talking to the lady taking money.  They left and drove to the ATM and then came back.  I had to laugh inside.  She ignores me about what time the game started and then asks me for money when she got there and I didn't have anymore cash.  When she came back, she walked in, and then sat next to me and our older daughter on the other side of her.  Our daughter did an amazing job with the anthem and was very proud of her!  My wife acted very strange for the first part of the game.  I figured it was because I showed up without "needing" information from her.  I don't remember how we got on the subject, but I said in front of our older daughter, "I figured you must have been extremely busy today when you didn't answer about what time the game started.  I went on to the school website and found the times.  Thankfully they put them on there."  Her response was strange.  She said, "I still haven't been given a schedule from our daughter (actually used her name)".  I just responded with, "Hmmm... ."     Funny how she knew what time to show up.    After that, she was more conversational with me and I talked a lot with our older daughter about school among other things but that I cared enough to find out the info for myself.  Anyway, after the game was over, we walked out and my wife and our older daughter (younger daughter had to stay for another game) started walking towards their car while talking.  It was almost like I wasn't there and just looked over at them and said, "Bye y'all!"  My wife looked back and said real nonchalantly, "Bye."  It was weird.  You would have thought I was an acquaintance or someone she had just met.  I started to get irritated by it as I got in my car, but just shook it off and drove off.  I was there for our daughter and accomplished that.  I was happy with that and wasn't going to let my wife's behavior get me down.

[Fian]

In some ways I wonder if you might be better off living in your apartment than in the same house.  At least you can avoid more of her dysregulations if you are not in the same house, which probably helps to keep you grounded.  The hope is that you can find more good times, though, which probably won't happen until she decides to drop the divorce proceedings.

[MaroonLiquid]

In some ways I wonder if you might be better off living in your apartment than in the same house.  

I understand what you mean here, but at some point, that HAS to be the end goal.  I do miss the companionship and affection we shared.  That's been the hardest thing I have had to deal with.  

At least you can avoid more of her dysregulations if you are not in the same house, which probably helps to keep you grounded.  

It has taught me to be way more grounded and self sufficient.  

The hope is that you can find more good times, though, which probably won't happen until she decides to drop the divorce proceedings.

We have had a ton of good times over the summer, lots of affection and intimacy up until this latest episode that started a few weeks ago when I received the paperwork from her attorney.  I feel like I'm going through another extinction burst with her trying to find the chink in my armor.  She isn't finding it.  One thing that always worked during our marriage for her was removing all affection and intimacy from me and then I would start crawling back and apologizing.  I refuse to do it now and have for a while but this is the first time (maybe second) in 14 months that she has tried this tactic.  It's almost like she is feeling completely out of control because she knows I'm so in control.  You would think my control would stabilize her.  I'm sure it will soon.  it must be really hard for her to know she can't really control me anymore.  She knows I'm living my own life while still continuing to be in her life and the kids lives.  She has never known that in her life (men always dropped off the face of the earth and didn't take care of their responsibilities) and it seems like she is waiting for the other shoe to drop by dropping it herself.  I think she is surprised I'm still here.  Frankly, I am too sometimes.     

[MaroonLiquid]

     I had a great weekend with my wife after not talking to her for several days.  She contacted me on Saturday asking about something about softball.  I responded and we continued to text.  I called her and we agreed to get together that evening after softball practice to watch our favorite college football team play.  My son and I went over and spent the evening with them.  My son and our daughter fell asleep on the couch and my wife and I fell asleep while talking on her bed.  We woke up around 2AM and I took my son home.  

    Yesterday morning, she  texted and asked if we wanted to go on a picnic and go conoeing.  I agreed and it turned out to be an amazing day.  We got to the park where we were having the picnic and my ex was talking to my son on the phone and grilling him about what we were doing.  My ex puts my 6YO in situations that piss me off.  It isn't her place.  We sat down to eat and my son asked who was riding with who in the canoe.  I asked him why he wanted to know.  He said that his mom wants him to ride with me.  My first thought was, "Here we go.     :)ysregulation time!"     My wife asked him, "Why does your mom not want me around you?"  He said, "Y'all used to fight a lot."  I said, "Son, it isn't your mom's place to tell you what I need to do"  My wife said, "He needs to be able to talk about these things and express them otherwise it just makes things more uncomfortable." I said, "You're right."  She turned to him and said, "Your dad and I are married and we haven't fought in a long time."  He said, "No, you haven't."  She said, "We are very good.  Things are much better.  We are a family and it isn't your mom's job to tell your dad who you can't be around."  I told him she was right.  We picked up our trash and she said, "Your ex is such a b!tch."  I said, "Yeah, she has never been easy to deal with and it sucks for my son that he has to be put in the position of awkwardness."  She said, "Yes, very much so."  I changed the subject and then we went canoeing.  

    It was our daughters in one, my son and wife in one and me in a separate canoe.  It was an amazing afternoon on the water and had a great time.  We stayed close together and talked, laughed, enjoyed the time together and the scenery on this small little lake.  I saw my wife taking pictures and knew she would post them to facebook, but it wasn't until later I would find out what she posted.  After canoeing, my wife took my son back to her place while I took care of some softball stuff for a bit.  After, we went back to her place and played a family game of soccer in the driveway.  I then took my son back to his mom and went back over to my wife's place.  

    When I got back, she asked me if my wife said anything about her and I said, "I told my ex that you and I are married and that she isn't going to put our kids in a situation where they feel like they have to choose.  They love my wife and we are going to encourage that relationship as I do with them with their step-dad."  She said, "Yes we are married and thank you for saying that."  We decided to go get some take-out and bring it back to watch some football.  We stopped to get my wife some cold medicine and we held hands in the store.  We both commented on how great the day was and she said, "Let's go camping in November when it's cooler."  I said, "That sounds great!  Let's look at the calendar."  We did and we picked out a tentative date to go.  She started looking at cabins we could rent and planning in her head.  She started to tell me about how her ex is still $40,000 behind in child support but went to Hawaii with his new wife and posted pictures about it on Facebook.  I validated how much that sucks for the kids and as their real dad it angers me for them.  We got back, ate dinner, cuddled and watched football together.  After the game, She said she needed to got to bed and I got my shoes on and went home.  I found out later when my friend texted me that she posted pictures of our daughters and her and my son canoeing on Facebook.  None of me which is fine and expected.  A mutual friend of ours (more hers than mine) responded to the pictures on Facebook and asked who was with her and she just said, our daughters, my son and her.  She said, "How cool!"  I found that interesting.  I don't even take it personal anymore because I know most people are smart enough to figure out that I would be with them especially if my son is.  I don't worry about it.  I was surprised for that reason that she posted pictures with my son in them.  Anyway, I am concentrating on all the great things that happened over the weekend rather than the ones I can't control.  I realize more and more that she is very confused and me not being that way and always calm is helping her.  Thoughts anyone?

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm glad you are taking such a good attitude about your good day. I know I'd feel very excluded by her not acknowledging me. Probably your acceptance of it has gotten you where you are now though. I just can't understand the way pwBPD thinks about things. I mean, they just do weird things, that to the rest of us, make no sense. I often wonder if even they really have a plan, or know WHY they are doing these weird things?

I'm so glad you put in a good day, and it's promising that she is planning future events with you. My BPDh did this when we reconciled too, but before we were living back together. It was hurtful, but I found it hopeful. He'd plan things further out, but he'd act like we might be doing it "just as friends", but then he'd be romantic and want to sleep with me, so I found it all very, very confusing. I now see it was sort of his path back to me, and his "waiting to see", or perhaps I was even on "trial basis", which makes the most sense. He wanted to see how much control I'd continue to give him, and I'd even bet he wanted to see if I was less reactive to all the crap he constantly dishes out. I was in a good place then, so that was easier, and he was also not as certain of me because he knew I was dating someone else! It was platonic dating, but he was still greatly bothered by it. He knew that what I wanted was for US to work out, but I was not going to take outright abuse anymore, and that his walking out, his constant divorce threats, just got him served with divorce papers, and it really hurt his ego.

He cycles though, and I bet most with BPD do. He just can't keep one constant mindset when it comes to relationships or people(his toxic kids being the exception, and he'll enable, and excuse all the awful things they do). Even though we know this, it's hard. I think you've been dealing with all this in an amazing way.

[MaroonLiquid]

Even though we know this, it's hard. I think you've been dealing with all this in an amazing way.

Thanks CB.

    Things just continue to get better.  My wife and I have been talking everyday, and she is the one that initiates contact.  We have talked on the phone everyday (most of the time for an hour or more) and have very good conversations where she is sharing a lot with me about what is going on with her family, the kids among other things.  I listen, listen and validate.  

    Last night she told me that her ex was arrested for non-payment of child support ($40,000 behind) and they let him go because he had a minor outpatient surgery a few days prior.  He showed up to court the next morning and they didn't have him on the docket so the judge gave him a court date a month from now.  More than likely that means he probably won't show up again.     My wife is actually is taking it better than I thought she would.  I told her so and said, "I'm very proud of the way you are handling it honey.  You are very big on justice and wanting "what is right".  What he has been allowed to get away with is not right and most people in your position would be down at the courthouse in the judges face demanding they do something about it.  No one would blame you either.  The kids deserve that money and it's unfortunate our court system is so screwed up."  She said, "Thank you.  I do want justice, but I had to put it in God's hands and take my hands off of it.  I've really been working hard on those two things in my life."  I responded, "I can tell and you are doing a great job."

    One thing I have noticed is since I have pulled back a lot of affection, it's almost like she feels less pressure to "perform" and therefore has opened up more.  When we have been together other times lately, we hold hands, have way more deep conversation and cuddle.  We haven't been intimate in almost 2 months and to be honest, I'm fine with that.  Would I like to?  Yes.  :)o I want to right now?  I don't know.  It feels like we are actually reconnecting in a healthy, deep manner rather than jumping right back into it all.  It feels like we are actually dating even though we haven't gone on any dates yet.  I do think in a way she is actually starting to believe I am not here for "this reason" or "that reason" and want to be here because I love her and the kids.  I did ask her to lunch on Friday but she already had plans with a mutual friend of ours (a woman) that wants her to get healthy and us get back together.  This woman's husband and I are very close and I confide in him a lot.  I'm curious to see how lunch turns out and what my wife tells her.  The last time they had lunch was about 8-9 months ago and my wife tried to "snow" her.  This time she is going into it with full knowledge of what has gone on.  It will be interesting.  We are going to watch some football this weekend together again.  Thoughts?

[Fian]

It is good to hear that things are going much better.  I find it amazing how things look so black for you, and then all of a sudden everything goes well.  Kudos to you for staying calm during the black times.

[MaroonLiquid]

It is good to hear that things are going much better.  I find it amazing how things look so black for you, and then all of a sudden everything goes well.  Kudos to you for staying calm during the black times.

Thanks, I don't really understand that either.  I think the two times of black over the last 4-5 months are about her own shame more than anything else knowing her attorney was about to send me something.  Almost like she was preparing for a fight.  Once she realizes I wasn't going to react and play into the drama, she calms down.  One question I will ask her at some point is:  "Why don't you just NOT do those things?"   

[MaroonLiquid]

     The last few days have gone extremely well with my wife.  We have seen each other almost everyday, mostly due to a softball tournament over the weekend, but great nonetheless.  She has been a tremendous help to me regarding the team "back office" things and have validated her for it.  I have attended all of our daughter's softball games with no issues as well and she makes sure we sit together at them.  Sunday, after our tournament (we took second), I went back to her house later that evening and we went over the scorebook and recorded stats together.  She asked me to stay over and I agreed to.  We had sex and as usual, it was great.  We fell asleep together and I got up early the next morning, we kissed goodbye, went back to my apartment, got ready and went to work. 

     That morning, she didn't answer my text so I let her be all day.  At the end of my practice she asked if I could come back over.  I agreed.  We went over the scorebook again and she received a phone call from a company about a fundraiser.  Our oldest son asked her a question and she put her finger on her mouth to "be quiet".  She turned around and started to walk into her office (next to where I was sitting) and he gave her "the finger".  He didn't think I was looking but I saw it.  I called him in and he sat down.  I asked him point blank and with no "tone", "Why did you disrespect your mother that way?"  He said, "I was mad."  I said, "I understand that.  You saw your mother on the phone, so can you help me to understand why that made you mad?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "You owe her an apology and I expect that that happens before you go to bed this evening."  He didn't respond and I said, ":)o you understand?"  He said, "Yes sir."  My wife got off the phone and he didn't come in there to apologize.  I told my wife what had happened and told her that I told him to apologize to her.  She started to get visibly upset and said, ":)o you mind if I call him in here?"  I said, "Not at all."  He came in the room and she said, "I understand you have something to say to me."  He said, "Yes ma'am." and proceeded to apologize.  Tears welled up in her eyes and she told him she didn't appreciate being disrespected that way.  He apologized again and she said, "I forgive you." and he left the room to iron some clothes.  She then told me how difficult he's been and I validated what I could and just listened.  She got over it pretty quick and we went back to talking.  After a few minutes, we both got tired and both said we needed to get to bed.  I left, went to bed, woke up and went to work.  We have been communicating and the last few months have been very pleasant and we continue to get closer.  I feel she is learning to "trust" things more, but I also know how quickly things can change.  Amazing how my boundaries around healthy communication and refusing to talk about divorce have made things soo much better.  I also know that she has changed some as well and it's amazing to watch her progress as well.  No major dysregulations in 4-5 months is HUGE progress for her. 

[formflier]

   

Nice work... .

[MaroonLiquid]

      Here is the latest.  My wife and I have had a few great weeks.  About a week ago, she asked me about insurance for next year and what we wanted to do about so she knows if she needed to get her own.  She then started to pull away and giving me a mini ST.  I didn't understand while until two days ago.  That day, I received an email from my wife's attorney stating that they had not received the "discovery" paperwork by the date given and would give me another week.  If not, they would file a motion to compel.   . Shortly after that (20 minutes late), my wife sent me an email to "proofread".  It was an email that she was supposed to send out the night before.  I knew immediately she wanted me to "see" the email from her attorney.  When you know their games, it's almost comical.  Anyway, I just responded to her "proofread" email that it looked great.  She texted a bit later and asked when we could discuss "options for insurance that I talked about".  I told her that I would text her after work around 4:30PM and would discuss it then.  Having to deal with a lot of other crap throughout the day and into the evening, I texted at 4:30 and told her I hadn't forgotten but still dealing with some stuff that I would have to discuss later that affects the team and would call her later.  She said she understood.  I called her later and we atlked about those issues for about 2 hours and then we prayed together. 

     After praying, she said, ":)o you have a few minutes to discuss the insurance?"  I said, "Sure"  She asked what the "options" were.  I told her very calmly, "Well the option is that you drop the divorce, we work on the marriage and I will continue to cover you and the children."  She said, "I hear what you are saying."  She then tried to bait me by saying, "I don't trust you and I don't love you."  I said, "I hear you and I'm sorry you feel that way."  I could have validated better, but I felt anymore than that in that moment would have gone south.  I also found out what ALL this is about with her next statement.  She said, "You have cost me a lot of money on the IRS debt."  I responded vary calmly, "That IRS debt is both of ours.  We accrued that together."  She said, "But you are avoiding it and therefore it's affecting me."  I said, "It is actually affecting both of us.  We could take care of it together and in the same household.  It is a burden for both of us.  The thing I can't figure out, is why you would have your attorney send me "discovery" papers.  We have no children, no huge assets and no trust funds.  It feels like you are trying to make me pay.  You didn't even do this to your ex husband who treated you like garbage."  She responded, "If you don't respond to those, they could throw you in jail (that's total BS and a scare tactic as this is a civil suit).  She then said (trying to redirect), "Look, nothing has changed from a year ago and why we split up."  I said, "I see why she would feel that way and on the surface, I can agree.  We are living in separate households, and for the first six months of our separation, it was toxic.  Since that time, we get along so much better, we are much better with each other and how we care for the other, our kids love each of us, and we have a great time together."  She said, "Nothing has changed.  We only get along when talking about softball."      I just ignored that statement because we are getting along now and the conversation was going extremely well.  I said, "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I didn't marry you to get a divorce."  She said, "Neither did I.  It just feels like there isn't much of a marriage left."  I responded, "I hear you, but there is still something."  She said, "I hear you too, but this conversation hasn't changed anything, but I do hear you."  I said, and you have a right to feel that way and do what you feel you need to do."  She said, "I need to get to bed."  I said, "Me too." We said, "Have a good night" and hung up.  It remained calm the whole time and I thought productive even though there were a few times she tried to bait me.  Yesterday, it was our daughters volleyball game and I was still dealing with softball stuff all day.  We talked throughout the day and met her at the game.  She was flirting with me and noticed she wore my favorite perfume.  When the game was over, I walked her to her car and there was a ton of physical tension between us and she looked at me like she wanted to kiss me.  I didn't and walked away.  She called me a few seconds and invited me over after softball practice to talk about a fundraiser.  I knew that was a cover.   . I went over and we talked about the fundraiser and asked me to spend the night.  We had sex and held each other all night.  Today, we talked for a few hours on the phone and I've noticed the last couple of weeks we are spending 1 hour to 2 on the phone on most days.  Things continue to get better except for this divorce hanging.  But I handle that pretty well I think.  Thoughts?[/quote]

[Fian]

So what are the next steps in the divorce?  Go before a judge and get a court order to compel you to disclose assets?  How do you plan to handle that?

[formflier]

 

Maroon,



You are doing great! 

I like how you balance stating your truth (about insurance and divorce) without any soft sell or equivocation.  You just laid it out there.

Then, when she was trying to get you off your game and fight... .you left the invitation to fight laying on the floor.

Nice work.

OK... .my recommendation. 

Do not respond to the divorce attorney.  If they want discovery, they can get it or compel it. 

Note, if you have an L that says this could put you at a big disadvantage, then my advice may change. 

I think you have mastered staying on the "right" side of push pull  The concept of leaving them wanting a bit more.  Not "chasing".

Let her be the one to bring up insurance and divorce again.  When is the sign up period over at your work?

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

So what are the next steps in the divorce?  Go before a judge and get a court order to compel you to disclose assets?  How do you plan to handle that?

That's pretty much what she would need to do which costs her more money. 

Maroon,



You are doing great! 

I like how you balance stating your truth (about insurance and divorce) without any soft sell or equivocation.  You just laid it out there.

Then, when she was trying to get you off your game and fight... .you left the invitation to fight laying on the floor.

Nice work.

OK... .my recommendation. 

Do not respond to the divorce attorney.  If they want discovery, they can get it or compel it. 

Note, if you have an L that says this could put you at a big disadvantage, then my advice may change. 

I think you have mastered staying on the "right" side of push pull  The concept of leaving them wanting a bit more.  Not "chasing".

Let her be the one to bring up insurance and divorce again.  When is the sign up period over at your work?

FF

I thought about doing the same things and not responding.  The sign up period for me doesn't start until next month.  I think it's a little early for her now as well.  Not sure I believe her about her open enrollment going on right now.  I think she wanted to fight about that too.  I am at a point where I am not beating around the bush anymore.  Spent time together last night and she fell asleep .  I woke her up and told her I was leaving and she walked me to the front door.  I told her I loved her, she said she loved me too and we gave each other a kiss.  I tried texting her this morning and she didn't respond.  I have let her be.  No big deal.  Things continue to improve.

[waverider]

Do you think the divorce issue is her way of demonstrating that you can't control her?

Seems like she is emotionally stuck inbetween, and this stance is her one and only "consistency", a safety blanket if you like.

Not rising to the drama until she is determined enough to take it to the stage where its starts to cost her real money, would be my suggestion.

[MaroonLiquid]

Do you think the divorce issue is her way of demonstrating that you can't control her?

I'm not really sure I'm following on this one.  Can you explain?

Seems like she is emotionally stuck inbetween, and this stance is her one and only "consistency", a safety blanket if you like.

That seems plausible.

Not rising to the drama until she is determined enough to take it to the stage where its starts to cost her real money, would be my suggestion.

Yeah, that is what I'm trying to do.

Last night I went to her place after softball practice and we went over some things and then she asked me to spend the night again.  We fell asleep holding each other and then I woke up this morning and came to work.  As I said, things continue to improve. 

[formflier]

 

You are clear you don't want a divorce.  She hasn't remove the filing, yet hasn't proceeded either.

So, since you want it, it is her way of saying "you can't make me... "

I think that is WR's point.

If this is true, then really waiting her out is the only option.  Trying to force or beg her to drop the case will likely result in her digging in her heels.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

You are clear you don't want a divorce.  She hasn't remove the filing, yet hasn't proceeded either.

So, since you want it, it is her way of saying "you can't make me... "

I think that is WR's point.

If this is true, then really waiting her out is the only option.  Trying to force or beg her to drop the case will likely result in her digging in her heels.

FF

Hmmm.  I see what you're saying.  Last night, my wife and I had a difficult meeting with the parents of my softball team and we both handled it well.  After, we went and watched my daughter's rec softball game.  She called me when when she got home and we talked for about an hour regarding the discussion with our parents and it was great.  The problem for me was I was exhausted (and told her so) at this point and I think she was seeing if she could rattle me.  I felt whe would bring up the divorce so I was prepared because her attorney gave me till the 8th to respond to their discovery request.  She said right at the end of the conversation, "So, are you going to answer my attorney?"  I calmly stated, "Honey, you know where I stand and I am too tired to discuss this."  She said, "I just don't want things to get worse for you (How sweet of her )  , but I understand.  I don't know why you won't sit down and talk to me about this.  It isn't going to go your way.  You are going to make me spend money and I have to file FAFSA for my son in January."  I was thinking, ":)o you want me to answer your attorney or sit down with you?  And what the heck does spending money have to do with filing for FAFSA for our son.  I just let her talk."  I just said, "I'll keep that in mind, however, we need to finish our conversation about the meeting."  She said ok and we went back and finished discussing the softball thing.  Once done, I said, goodnight and she said the same and we hung up.  It was kind of funny.  I'm pretty good now at diverting conversation when need be.

[formflier]

 

Do you or have you boxed?

What she did was give you a couple jabs about the divorce. 

Those jabs didn't open up an opportunity to land a bigger hit... and you "called the match" and went to your corner.

Solid.

FF