"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just read this article about "NC".

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Although I think the overall message is really great, it comes from the viewpoint of the non leaving the one with BPD.

What happens in the case where the one with BPD leaves the non?  

Quoting the article, "Some times, non-borderlines launch into "No Contact" campaigns with only a vague understanding of what they are doing and they end up engaging in something that would be better called "the silent treatment". The silent treatment is not good - it is often characterized by professionals as an emotional manipulation; an abusive action in and of itself."

Creating distance is very difficult when you are not the one that made the choice to leave the relationship.  It is very hurtful when you've done all you could (in my case, knew of my husbands illness before we were married, chose to marry him anyway and stay as a result of him getting the needed therapy (DBT), went to support groups to learn right channels of communications (VALIDATION), (DEAR MAN), went and still in therapy to help myself with a DBT therapist, etc... .), and they still blame you for the fault of the relationship, leave and replace you.   :'(

I signed the divorce papers he sent me a month ago.  Around the same time, I spoke my peace to him (telling him how much her hurt me, that even though I know I was not perfect and could have done some things differently, I never gave up on him or our relationship, etc... .) and told him that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.  I chose the "silent treatment" after that.  It's been one of the many ways that has allowed me to begin to move forward in my life.  I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's been easy.  I'm still very hurt and struggling, but making progress. I was with this person, for 27 years (married 13).  A lot of water in the ocean but I got caught off guard and hit by the biggest wave ever.

I'm not knocking the article.  It points out some very key things, and overall is extremely helpful.  I just wish it would have touched upon items from the other point of view as well.  

[heartbroken25]

I just read this article about "NC".

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Although I think the overall message is really great, it comes from the viewpoint of the non leaving the one with BPD.

What happens in the case where the one with BPD leaves the non?  

Quoting the article, "Some times, non-borderlines launch into "No Contact" campaigns with only a vague understanding of what they are doing and they end up engaging in something that would be better called "the silent treatment". The silent treatment is not good - it is often characterized by professionals as an emotional manipulation; an abusive action in and of itself."

Creating distance is very difficult when you are not the one that made the choice to leave the relationship.  It is very hurtful when you've done all you could (in my case, knew of my husbands illness before we were married, chose to marry him anyway and stay as a result of him getting the needed therapy (DBT), went to support groups to learn right channels of communications (VALIDATION), (DEAR MAN), went and still in therapy to help myself with a DBT therapist, etc... .), and they still blame you for the fault of the relationship, leave and replace you.   :'(

I signed the divorce papers he sent me a month ago.  Around the same time, I spoke my peace to him (telling him how much her hurt me, that even though I know I was not perfect and could have done some things differently, I never gave up on him or our relationship, etc... .) and told him that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.  I chose the "silent treatment" after that.  It's been one of the many ways that has allowed me to begin to move forward in my life.  I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's been easy.  I'm still very hurt and struggling, but making progress. I was with this person, for 27 years (married 13).  A lot of water in the ocean but I got caught off guard and hit by the biggest wave ever.

I'm not knocking the article.  It points out some very key things, and overall is extremely helpful.  I just wish it would have touched upon items from the other point of view as well.  

[Mr Hollande]

I spoke my peace to him (telling him how much her hurt me, that even though I know I was not perfect and could have done some things differently, I never gave up on him or our relationship, etc... .) and told him that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.  I chose the "silent treatment" after that.  It's been one of the many ways that has allowed me to begin to move forward in my life.

This resonates with me. Unlike you I never said my piece afterwards. There's no point so I just give her the silent treatment. I don't think it's making me happier but I can't show kindness and forgiveness towards her either. Not after how it ended.

There are two categories in the Leaving forum. Those who left and those who were left. My observation is that the first category feel guilt while the other one is sad, angry and resentful. You and I belong to the second category so resentment is natural.

[Invictus01]

In the end, it's not the right way or wrong way. It's the way that works for you. You gotta get youself under control. You gotta protect you. Normally people who are getting out one of those relationship tend to be completely emotionally disassembled. At that point, worrying about other people's feelings and how your behavior might be perceived shouldn't be the priority. You are basically in a self post disaster recovery mode, and any disaster relief expert will tell you the same thing over and over again - you protect yourself first, then you go out there and save others.

[Eyeamme]

I have to say that I am having a hard time with this too. I am having to do this with an adult daughter. It hurts. It hurts more than anything BUT we all need to know our limits. I found the very outside boundary of my limit and I had to walk away for now. It is self preservation.

J.

[Unaware]

I posted the below in another section yesterday.  It may have not been the right place for a response.

Wondering if anyone has felt this way or can identify with it. 

-----------------

I have been giving a great deal of thought to the Silent Treatment and No Contact here of late.

I grew up in a home where my father was famous for the Silent Treatment.  It was not a good thing.  You never knew what it was that you may have done or said to create it BUT you knew something was going to come down the pike at you, never knowing when or what, which created anxiety - just waiting for it to play itself out.

The first time or two I experienced the Silent Treatment in my marriage I was quick to explain, the above, to my husband.  Call me crazy but it felt like he did more of it!  The more it occurred the more I would shut down and "wait it out."  Very unhealthy. Also wondered if by shutting down I was guilty of the Silent Treatment as well.  Still unsure.

As for No Contact: I separated from my husband just over a year ago.  Tried during that separation to salvage the relationship with zero results.  I filed for divorce 5 weeks ago.  I've been No Contact for 10 weeks. 

I feel so out of sorts.  The No Contact feels just awful in that it just doesn't feel right to have spent 18 years with someone and never speak to them again.  I know it's for the best, I know it must be done, I know there will never be closure, I  know the safest thing for me is to do exactly what I am doing.  BUT IT FEELS HORRIBLE and just goes against my nature.  It's got a vibe of "Silent Treatment" for me and I hate everything about that!

Not sure what I'm trying to say, convey or even ask.  Any thoughts or experiences on what it is I'm going through?

Thanks,

Unaware

[parisian]

I just read this article about "NC".  Although I think the overall message is really great, it comes from the viewpoint of the non leaving the one with BPD.

What happens in the case where the one with BPD leaves the non? 

I took a while to learn lessons, and had two r/s with BPD. The first, I left. I tried to do 'friends' for a few months, but that was really just about her using me when she needed company. It was no real friendship. I really sealed things with that one by sending her an email saying I knew she had BPD. I did it in a gentle, compassionate kind way however me knowing that about her has caused me to be painted the blackest of black. I doubt she will ever contact me again. Which I'm fine with.

In the second one, the BPD called things off (because she was cheating on me). Everyone says don't send anything but I did again in this instance. I was not so gentle nor compassionate or kind. I was really angry about the cheating and the lies and let her know. I got painted black there also however just today I get an email notification where she has deleted an event she invited me to in her calendar. There was no need to send the cancellation to me, and perhaps it was 'accidental' or she didn't realise that would happen, but I tend to think it was probably deliberate 'contact' action on her behalf. I just ignored it.

In both cases then, I have No Conact with either of my exes and am very very pleased about that . And any future contact will just be ignored. I found after my first one that trying to have low contact with them just causes distress and anxiety because of the push-pull behaviour. In my view No Contact whether deliberate or silent treatment is great. Depending on what your ex is like, they potentially will contact you again at some point anyway.

[Michelle27]

I chose silent treatment with my ex for my own mental health.  We do share a daughter but they were in contact so I wasn't taking away their relationship at all.  In fact for the first few months, there was a daily conversation with her in which I told her she could see her father whenever she wanted to and I wouldn't get in the way of their relationship.  Well, until he disappeared from her life by getting a new cell number and not telling her after spending a grand total of 5.5 hours with her over 2 months... .

I'm not "punishing" him by being out of contact, but protecting me.  I realize now how codependent I was and also know more about his lies and that he was basically lying about everything important for the entire 15 years we were together.  I don't want or need to have a relationship with someone like this.

[hurting300]

Omg come on guys... .When you tell someone "we are breaking up" or "do not contact me" you are NOT abusing them. The silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse meant to cause pain. The silent treatment is done one way; you simply stop replying. You don't let them know your doing it.