It does make sense for both of us to be out of it -but so much love still there

[cherryblossom]

this will be a badly worded /grammatically poor essay sorry as I am tired... .It's also horrible writing about all the issues and flaws in our relationship as it sounds objectively so messed up

It has been very stressful few weeks I have split from my partner of 2 years Sep 2013 -now. Luckily I'm in therapy which is why I probably have not taken 1st step on here. Have been trying to keep myself busy with different friends/activities as well.  We were in a band together which has made things extra hard-I'm having time out -he has left-he is banned from playing live anyway until sorts self out. I don't think i'll go back to it -everyone has witnessed the rise and fall. He started seriously self destructing in July time. We had very deep connection and underneath everything he is a beautiful loving person -incredibly damaged however -he has ocd, BPD and a drink problem.

Very challenging times, I have felt like ending it all, but am having better week. You may think how could it have lasted so long with that cocktail of issues?- he masked his issues very well in beginning, and has incredible resilience-all my friends and family liked him very much in beginning -his family loved me- but he clearly struggles to cope even though is psychologically minded-there were/are many positives in the relationship -deep love for nature, music, interest in mindfulness, achieving self actualization -he has a psychology degree - I am a mental health professional, we love seeing things through eyes of a child -laughing at same silly things had an amazing love life. If you saw pictures of us together you will never see 2 more happy, in tune, affectionate people -the cognitive dissonance I was experiencing when it properly fell apart was horrific

I knew something wasn't quite right in beginning-ignored warning signs as was so deeply attracted to him on many levels. Confided in me about OCD which I felt he would be able to get over after having CBT as he is a very articulate intelligent psychologically minded person -we shared similar dysfunctional backgrounds-his father narcissistic, womanising and damaging -my mother similar (not womanising but controlling / abusive) I swear she is BPD and swear it runs in my family -I've often wondered if I am a high functioning version - I have managed to survive, grow, learn and develop a strong sense of self. I think he was attracted to that and he was on cusp of developing that -I thought we were going to have an ideal relationship together -working on our own identities and issues, developing our selves side by side looking outwards. I'm the first person he had confided in about OCD not even his family. January 2014 he contacted me after I declined to return to city I usually live in same as he for a weekend  (I was living in a different town for couple months at this time) to say he was in hospital after taking overdose and self harming. At this point I didn't think/know -and he didn't know it was BPD as we thought it was actually a valid natural response-a mh crisis after having coped with debilitating OCD for 4 years without telling anyone about it. I refused to carry on in the relationship unless he allowed my to contact his family as he was wanting me previously to not tell them but it was too much responsibility to carry on my shoulders. His family paid for intensive OCD 1 week programme which seemed to go ok until last session -the therapist was giving me ad hoc support as well which he knew about -she also offered me separate in depth sessions to help me learn how to manage the ocd effectively-his mother offered to pay 2 sessions for me -he found out about this and turned against the therapist refusing to use her strategies.

He had primary care nhs cbt -rubbish -he moved back to his mums for sometime -we saw each other on weekends, doing band stuff and he stayed at mine some weeks -it sounds crazy but amongst all this we were in heaven we got on like a house on fire- I will never have this connection with anyone else ever. I had/have no doubt we are  made for each other -no one has understood me as fully as he. We moved in November 2014 after make or break decisions-he started on clomipramine and started high intensity cbt -doing well, we joined a spa, he started new job-met some nice new friends, band times were fun, we were enjoying the flat- then things started going pear shaped June/ July -side effects of meds bad -affected his sex drive -led to increase drinking, irratic behaviour, anger, self harm -I'd come home from work -he'd be drinking super strength lager -with drum and base on loud -saying he is gone, he is bad person -I have to accept he is bad, all he can manage is work and drinking alcohol. I had to remove myself from flat as he was self harming in front of me with knives whilst high on drink and drugs. I attended his last therapy session -therapist v concerned about change in presentation -referred to psychiatrist -who diagnosed BPD and scarily offered him some other drug which has toxic side effects and interactions with foods -it scares me how passive he is with it -he needs long term psychotherapy and DBT skills -I hope he gets it.

I understand it is best we are not together he is not in good place but I find it hard to boil people down to labels -he is so much more than his mh conditions -but I cant force him to see that -he does have power I believe to overcome this but he is stuck and not willing to try atm- he is reveling in self destructing at the moment. Its tough as the mh services in our city are well known to be rubbish -the trust in another county that I work for has much better humane recovery programme for people with PD. I'm finding no contact v hard -he seems to be finding it easier which is tough as I can't believe you can be so connected to someone then be so cut off - I'm going to have to keep in contact for now on and off as he is still in the flat paying full rent and bills I am at my sisters saving money to buy somewhere -he is still trying to find somewhere else to live -most of my stuff still in flat. Anyway I'll stop here its been absolutely crazy intense 2 years -insane highs and lows -I felt like I was mad through a lot of it -it does make sense for both of us to be out of it -but so much love still there -I have been feeling at my lowest points -what is the point in knowing I can be insanely happy sat on the top of a beautiful mountain with him enjoying nature-knowing he exists and that experience is possible but never being able to do it again -what is the point in that? I am also scared that he will end his life eventually.

[enlighten me]

Hi cherryblossom

Welcome to the family.

Its hard going through this. It can sometimes leave you feeling like you've failed them. It can be hard to step back and realise that no matter how much you tried you couldn't help them. Only they can help themselves.

There are a number of lessons that you may find useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Please keep posting

EM

[HappyNihilist]

Hello cherryblossom, and welcome to the family. You'll find many people here who understand. Please don't worry about your relationship sounding "so messed up" - I can assure you that 'messed up' is the norm around here. It's such a help to share our stories and talk.

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain and stress.   These relationships and their aftermaths are intense. BPD relationships aren't like 'normal' relationships, after all - it only makes sense that the breakups are different. I personally found this very helpful in the immediate aftermath of my own relationship - Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Very challenging times, I have felt like ending it all, but am having better week.

I'm glad you're having a better week.   That deep depression is tough. Relationships like these are often emotionally devastating when they end. The good news is that it gets better. But that doesn't stop it from hurting.

It's great that you're in therapy and have been spending time with your friends. A good support system is very important.

What helped you get through those times when you felt like ending it all? Did you reach out to your support system at all?

I understand it is best we are not together he is not in good place but I find it hard to boil people down to labels -he is so much more than his mh conditions -but I cant force him to see that -he does have power I believe to overcome this but he is stuck and not willing to try atm- he is reveling in self destructing at the moment.

It's so painful to watch someone we love - especially someone who we know has amazing qualities and potential - engaging in self-destruction. You know that he's far more than his mental illness, and it's frustrating and heartbreaking to watch him succumb to it.

You're right - you can't force him to see these things about himself. You can't make him stop self-destructing. But you can take care of yourself, and do what's best for your emotional and mental health and well-being.

its been absolutely crazy intense 2 years -insane highs and lows -I felt like I was mad through a lot of it -it does make sense for both of us to be out of it -but so much love still there

I understand.   You both loved and still love each other. Just because the relationship wasn't healthy for you doesn't mean that there wasn't real love there.

Unfortunately, the corollary to that is - just because there is real, deep love there doesn't mean that the relationship is healthy. Sometimes the kindest, most loving thing we can do is let go.

It's hard, and it hurts... .but it gets better. And we're all here to help and support you.  

I noticed that you said your mother might be BPD? You might also find it helpful to post on our [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw boards, if you're interested in exploring your relationship with your mother.

Again, welcome to the family.

[cherryblossom]

Hi Em and happy Nihilist

My account got merged recently so only recently saw your replies -thanks so much for taking time to respond -I'm having a better week. Not thinking so obsessively and worrying and feeling more of my self coming back! This site is a great resource, amongst other support.  x