Anger-Finally

[andintothefire]

Hi all.

Just want to say that after 1-2 months of insanity while 6+ year relationship was ending (was so ambiguous) I am finally starting to feel the anger. I made so many excuses for her behavior and was consistently made to feel irrational/manipulated into feeling bad for her the entire time this was going on (for her stress while studying and for her troubling family upbringing). She had just started at a new school and I was preparing to make a temporary move for professional reasons. The night before her first day I was told in bed that she would never be as close to another person in her life. After this I was told that our relationship was too intense for her to handle her academics this year, but we should still be intimate, and we would wait to see if we would resume the relationship. Then it was that she met someone else but I should interact with him in front of her for her to decide which one she would want to marry her, then that she wants to date him but has to wait because I've ruined her. From the conflicting stories she tripped over when we did meet during this time, I've gathered that she actually told him that we were just friends during times we never were and that after he had told her he had exclusive feelings for her (and she said she did, too) that she planned the very next day to have sex with me. We slept together and did it again in the morning. Immediately after she acted in a huge rush to leave to study and said that she couldn't talk about what was happening with our relationship based on her mixed signals (that there was more time when she was less busy). Found out she was going right back to see him. The next and last time we saw each other (a few days later) she said she already explained that she has no romantic feelings for me and that she is going to date the replacement as soon as she can but has to delay because I'm xxxx-ed up and she didn't fully realize it before. A later email from her said we can work on a friendship with the potential for more in the future. I went 1 month NC, was slowing progressing but hit a wall so I wrote a detailed letter about everything that happened to me over this period of time, and I decided to send it to her as a last-ditched effort to see if she had become coherent (mixed signals still going on in my absence because she would still hang out with my relative/still have the picture of the two of us on her online profile, etc.). She responded almost immediately saying the letter was "interesting" and that she doesn't know how I have any new information about a relationship she may/may not have (I don't), and that she feels bad I am in a bad place so I should continue to make new friends. That response was EXACTLY what I finally needed. I pored over every word I wrote in that letter and all of it was a true account of events and how it made me feel used/manipulated/devalued, and she still completely avoided any involvement/blame. I'm so angry, finally! How could someone have objectified me like that and made me feel that us being intimate was meaningful after this many years when she could go immediately to prep her next relationship! It's so inhumane/devoid of empathy that I can finally stop making excuses for her and just feel what I feel--furious. I will never again stick around to be recycled like she clearly is planning if her replacement doesn't work out, and I am moving on and away for good. No more. She had me keep quiet when I was with her if she was on the phone with friends/hide in the car if we were somewhere public because she told people I was crazy or that I had moved away. I will NEVER feel like I need to cover up for someone else's lies again. Just wanted to say I hope everyone allows themselves to get in touch with healthy anger when they can and not feel guilty for their experience! Good luck.

[andintothefire]

Want to express my anger... .but then I feel guilty thinking about her issues again... .what is a healthy way to express anger w/o bombing her/breaking no contact?

[Mutt]

Hi andintothefire,

There's a good workshop on the Kubler-Ross model and anger stage here an here:

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I find writing how I feel helps. You can express your anger in your thread and share your feelings here? Would that help?