Why do BPD/NPD's do this(Silent Treatment, Blocking, Strict No Contact?)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave mae alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I strongly disagree. In the moment you´re walking out of the door without giving any explanation you´re making things extremely hard for your partner. It is literally an act of kicking someone in the garbage. The person will torture her-/himself for a very long time with the attempt to find an explanation.

You do have the right to walk out of the door. But a responsible person that cares at least to a minimum degree about the people around her/him gives an explanation. It´s not 'cowardly' not to to that. It is trading the avoidance of an uncomfortable feeling while explaining things that lasts for a few minutes or maybe hours for the other person going through pain, anxiety, self-torturing etc. which might last for months or even years.

Putting your needs so far over the well being and maybe even over the health of any other person and especially over a person that trusted you is far beyond my personal moral borders. Of course these borders might differ from other peoples perception.

thank you. So many people here can't grasp this

[hurting300]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave mae alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I strongly disagree. In the moment you´re walking out of the door without giving any explanation you´re making things extremely hard for your partner. It is literally an act of kicking someone in the garbage. The person will torture her-/himself for a very long time with the attempt to find an explanation.

You do have the right to walk out of the door. But a responsible person that cares at least to a minimum degree about the people around her/him gives an explanation. It´s not 'cowardly' not to to that. It is trading the avoidance of an uncomfortable feeling while explaining things that lasts for a few minutes or maybe hours for the other person going through pain, anxiety, self-torturing etc. which might last for months or even years.

Putting your needs so far over the well being and maybe even over the health of any other person and especially over a person that trusted you is far beyond my personal moral borders. Of course these borders might differ from other peoples perception.

thank you. So many people here can't grasp this

[hurting300]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

[Creativum]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

Well, I think as a society we've become a lot more avoidant and childish when it comes to disconnecting from others.  Very passive-aggressive.  To the point that if someone does something to someone, such as standing them up, and we send a single text asking why, the person will tell everyone we're psychotic for having feelings and feeling disrespected.  I guess it's how communication has evolved since the advent of electronically mediated interaction (Facebook, cell phones, etc.).  As a society we are more self-absorbed and narcissistic.  Try online dating, for example.  You send a message to someone "in your league" but they, also a 7, are looking for a 10 and simply ignore your polite approach.  It's not Plenty of Fish ... .It's Too Many Fish!  The silent treatment certainly isn't unique to BPD, but the difference, I think, rests with the reasons for it.  A person with BPD, as has been noted earlier, refuses to cut off the attachment permanently, so the silent treatment leaves the door theoretically open.  A clear-cut demand to cease contact never happens.  It's neither implied nor assumed.  The silent treatment gives them the upper-hand, control over the situation, and the option to resume contact later.  It prevents fears of engulfment AND abandonment at the same time.  It's their perfect weapon.

[enlighten me]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

I think theres a number of things at play with this. It could be to hurt the other person, it could be to escape for their own safety but I think the biggest reason is because most don't have the strength to do it in a different way.

If you think of it as a drug addict wanting to get clean you wouldn't expect them to tell their dealer that it was over and theyre off. A dealer would try to talk them around from it and they may not have the strength to say no.

I know my exgf had a way of turning everything around so it was my fault and I would doubt my reality. Fortunately for me I managed to stay strong and true to my decision. For some though they may end up getting stuck in the FOG.

I do think that after the break is made then an email, text or letter explaining things is the right thing to do. Not just for the ex but to give yourself some closure.

[Beach_Babe]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

THANK YOU!

[JRT]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

Amen to that!

[cosmonaut]

It prevents fears of engulfment AND abandonment at the same time.  It's their perfect weapon.

You are absolutely right that pwBPD utilize withdrawal and silence as a way to protect themselves.  By shutting down and running they are able to distance themselves from a powerful trigger - us.  This is often something that is necessary for them in the absence of better coping mechanisms.  It is hard for us to understand, but they are doing this as an act of self preservation.  It is not so very different from members here going NC for their mental health and well being.  This hurts us tremendously, of course, but understanding the reasons behind the behavior can help us to depersonalize the withdrawal.

Withdrawing is more of a shield than a weapon.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD hates the word "closure."  The last text I ever got from her, over 6 weeks ago, was "Ok."  She hasn't replied to me since.  She never fully closes the door.

[once removed]

The silent treatment gives them the upper-hand, control over the situation, and the option to resume contact later.

we have a choice in that equation, and plenty of control, over ourselves.

[hurting300]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

I think theres a number of things at play with this. It could be to hurt the other person, it could be to escape for their own safety but I think the biggest reason is because most don't have the strength to do it in a different way.

If you think of it as a drug addict wanting to get clean you wouldn't expect them to tell their dealer that it was over and theyre off. A dealer would try to talk them around from it and they may not have the strength to say no.

I know my exgf had a way of turning everything around so it was my fault and I would doubt my reality. Fortunately for me I managed to stay strong and true to my decision. For some though they may end up getting stuck in the FOG.

I do think that after the break is made then an email, text or letter explaining things is the right thing to do. Not just for the ex but to give yourself some closure.

Come on enlighten me ... .We're not talking about drug dealers. I poll was recently taken by psychology today, 95 percent of people leaving relationships both abusive and non abusive let the dumped party know why with some form of communication... it's like most professionals will tell you, most of the time when someone just walks away they had severe mental health or very poor communication and thought processes.

[enlighten me]

Hi hurting

I realise theyre not drug dealers but there are a lot of similarities with a co dependant/ BPD relationship and addiction. If you google brain scans of the broken hearted they are very similar to that of an addict. I even believe there is a thread on this subject here. I know how difficult it was for me to break up with my exgf. If it had been any more difficult then maybe I would have just left without a word.

My point was that not everyone is strong enough to make that break from someone in a reasonable manner. I don't know about others but Ive never been one that likes breaking bad news.

Was the poll specifically for BPD relationships or normal ones? Ive never been more confused in my life than I was with my exgf. If I hadn't of been in that state of confusion I would have left it long before. 

[Learning Fast]

"Withdrawing is more of a shield than a weapon"

This is a very important distinction as it helps depersonalize the behavior.  If I could "remove" the BPD from my ex would she have exited the relationship differently?  Most certainly.  While I realize that this is impossible and after spending hours like everyone else becoming educated about BPD, I've become better at depersonalizing much of her behavior.  At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen.

[hurting300]

I think a lot of people throw the personality disorder label around loosely. I've seen normal people act like jerks and ignore someone. And enlighten me it wasn't a BPD poll. They were simply stating why someone would have such poor communication skills. If they left you like that chances are extremely high they left others that way as well.

[hurting300]

Writing a letter. Sending a text. It's the normal thing to do. I know I sound harsh but come on it takes two to tango. My ex accused me of screaming and being outright violent. Was I? Yeah I screamed, and cursed... .But for two years I spoke calmly. Then she walks out without a word?

[shatra]

Learning fast wrote

At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen

====== Can u describe this in more detail?  How does the disorder not allow them to give a reason or explanation.  I am confused about why it so difficult for them to provide a reason or explanation for the breakup?

[hergestridge]

Learning fast wrote

At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen

====== Can u describe this in more detail?  How does the disorder not allow them to give a reason or explanation.  I am confused about why it so difficult for them to provide a reason or explanation for the breakup?

They are emotionally instable. They have conflicting enotions that fluctuate all the time. Giving you an honest explanation would mean introspection and it would mean they put themselves in a position where they have to stand responsible for things that have happened in the relationship. They can't handle the tough parts. If you would get a "talk" it would mist likely be one where you are the one to be blamed or where things will be swept under the rug.

In short they can't handle pain and giving an explanation is painful.

[Michelle27]

This was a tough thread to read.  I chose no contact for my own healing and I know for me, it was the right decision. After a 3 month therapeutic separation I sat him down in a coffee shop and I told him I couldn't do this anymore and that I needed to move forward and heal from the toxic relationship.  I explained that there was so much damage done that I didn't believe we could ever make it work.  At the time we were separated by taking turns moving from the family home for a week at a time and staying in a rented room.  This was to give our daughter the stability I believed she needed by staying in our home with one parent at all times. 

After I told him I was done and we discussed ways to separate and deal with the home and our daughter, he made secret plans to move out and did so without telling me what he was doing, although a neighbor did call to let me know he was moving tools and furniture out.  When he texted me that I could come to the house, I knew already that he was out and I think he expected me to be surprised but I wasn't.  The next week he was caught stalking me and texted me excuses why he was in the area that I was at the time.  I didn't respond because I knew he was lying.  The next contact I got was an email and after I replied, I heard nothing from him but did hear from his lawyer. 

In our case, no contact is and was necessary for me. I needed time to heal and work on me. I made it clear to him and our daughter that our issues have absolutely nothing to do with her and and they should definitely spend as much time as possible together.  He spent a grand total of 5.5 hours with her in the past 4 months.  Even changed his phone number without letting her or I know the new number.  And I recently discovered that he moved to another city and got a job there. 

My need for no contact was because of his manipulative, creepy behavior (during the last week of our therapeutic separation there were some inappropriate sexual comments and an attempt to take my clothes off that actually scared me).  For so many years, I believed the words he stated even when there was no follow through.  I do think his no contact is designed to punish me, and our daughter.  I do believe there is a difference in how and why it is done.

[Learning Fast]

hergestridge----exactly.  Coupled with the fact that their emotional instability is at its apex when they depart (which is precisely why they are leaving) means the disorder trumps expected behavior.  I did receive a terse "I'm moving on" text which was more excuses and blaming than reason or explanation.  I think that we would be hard pressed to find someone who has received a face-to-face or phone call goodbye as that would cause them far too much emotional pain.

[SummerStorm]

hergestridge----exactly.  Coupled with the fact that their emotional instability is at its apex when they depart (which is precisely why they are leaving) means the disorder trumps expected behavior.  I did receive a terse "I'm moving on" text which was more excuses and blaming than reason or explanation.  I think that we would be hard pressed to find someone who has received a face-to-face or phone call goodbye as that would cause them far too much emotional pain.

Neither one of my goodbyes was face-to-face or in person.  Even the last message I got from her when she tried to commit suicide was a text.  And really, neither one was actually a "goodbye."  The first was, "Go away."  The second was, "You're crazy."  Five days later, I texted her again, and she replied, but her last message to me was, "Ok."   

Her ex-boyfriend never even really got a final goodbye.  She said they should just stop trying and then started packing her stuff.  A month later, she still had things at his place and would stop by when he was at work, to get her mail.  Then, on her birthday, the day after she told me she had finally found a new apartment, she went to his place and stole $300 from him.  He called her the next day, to confront her about it, and she hung up right away.  He hasn't heard from her since.  She wouldn't even reply to him when he asked her to come and get her rabbit from his place, so he ended up giving it away.