They leave us so confused,was it us or them

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My diagnosed ex BP,Scitsophenic, UdBPD ptr was cycling from rage to depression for a good two years so my life was constantly in flux. She managed to manipulate me constantly always getting me to succumb even apologise for her humiliating me in front of others. Even now 4mths separated 2+mths NC I am still cycling daily wondering what could I have done differently and worse than that was it really her who was sick or was it me. I understand that speaking to her would be a waste of time but is there any way we can get clarity. I feel the better I understand this whole relationship and who and how they are responsible the more I progress.

[Didntdeservethat]

My diagnosed ex BP,Scitsophenic, UdBPD ptr was cycling from rage to depression for a good two years so my life was constantly in flux. She managed to manipulate me constantly always getting me to succumb even apologise for her humiliating me in front of others. Even now 4mths separated 2+mths NC I am still cycling daily wondering what could I have done differently and worse than that was it really her who was sick or was it me. I understand that speaking to her would be a waste of time but is there any way we can get clarity. I feel the better I understand this whole relationship and who and how they are responsible the more I progress.

[steve195915]

My diagnosed ex BP,Scitsophenic, UdBPD ptr was cycling from rage to depression for a good two years so my life was constantly in flux. She managed to manipulate me constantly always getting me to succumb even apologise for her humiliating me in front of others. Even now 4mths separated 2+mths NC I am still cycling daily wondering what could I have done differently and worse than that was it really her who was sick or was it me. I understand that speaking to her would be a waste of time but is there any way we can get clarity. I feel the better I understand this whole relationship and who and how they are responsible the more I progress.

I don't think we ever get clarity or complete closure.  No it's not our fault for others horrible actions but our part was we did allow it for too long.  There is nothing we could have done to change the outcome, realize they have an incurable mental illness and know we are better off without them even though it hurts terribly. 

[Michelle27]

I think it's both.  I recognize my part for not keeping my values by having no boundaries, minimizing and making excuses for his behavior, pushing him to get help when he didn't want to/couldn't and even for some of my unhelpful responses to rages.  Mostly I take responsibility for allowing it to go on for years before starting to take care of me. 

[butterfly15]

I think it's both.  I recognize my part for not keeping my values by having no boundaries, minimizing and making excuses for his behavior, pushing him to get help when he didn't want to/couldn't and even for some of my unhelpful responses to rages.  Mostly I take responsibility for allowing it to go on for years before starting to take care of me. 

This how I am feeling. I don't think about missing him and wonder what I could have done differently for his behaviors. I know now that those can almost never be changed. I am upset with myself that I did all of the above.

[Newton]

Didntdeservethat... .recovery is a process.  Others who have replied on the thread exhibit that everyone experiences similar progressive stages of introspection and growth on very different timescales... .

What's often helpful when wandering with our thoughts and emotions is a self enforced 2 minutes of 'stock count'.  Things have changed... .your awareness has increased significantly with research, even though you may not feel it regularly you have attempted your best right now to take control of things.  Reminding yourself of small victories is key... .

We can only act on the knowledge and self awareness we have at any given time... .should, could, woulds... .if indulged in... .are only self destructive.