I am back, about to break up with spouse

[Flutterby32]

I have not been on here for a while, just been busy with lots of things including what I reference in the subject.

For those who did not see my earlier posts, I am a transgender woman who got married about 10 years before I was able to come to terms with my gender identity and begin coming out. My female spouse did not react well to my coming out and was not supportive or willing to try very hard to deal with it constructively. I tend to be a "people pleaser" and so I pretty much lived a double life, pretending to be happy being "man/husband" for her, while getting involved in the LGBTQ community, more specifically the transgender part of it, and making lots of friends who pretty much only know me as a woman.

I have been on hormones for about three months now and am starting to grow female breasts, I also plan to have genital surgery as soon as possible, and to completely transition to living as my true self... .as a woman.

I am building up the courage to leave my spouse and plan to tell her in the next two or three weeks. In addition to my gender identity, there have always been other issues in our relationship. She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but I suspect she may meet the criteria. She definitely has some sort of serious psychological issue IMO, and I can no longer deal with it in general, in addition to needing to move forward with my gender transition and not feel like I am putting her through something she does not want to deal with.

I have written a letter that I will either e-mail or snail mail to her, after I meet with a divorce attorney. My spouse attends school in another state from where I live and where she lived before starting school. I have Autism/Aspergers, and so would rather do this from a distance because her reaction may be too triggering for me.

I am terrified! I feel like her reaction could run the gamut from relatively easy to deal with, to EXTREMELY hard to deal with! And with my people pleasing tendency, I feel at risk of being "charmed" (I think that is the term, for being "sucked back in" by someone?) into reversing course and staying with her.

Anyway, that is where I am at the moment. Not even sure that she has BPD but I suspect she might.

[steelwork]

I'm sorry. This sounds so hard. You have the advantage of advance warning/planning time, though, so that's good. Do you have people to support you if her reaction is ugly? A place to stay, a therapist, etc.? As for getting sucked back in... .you mention sucked back into the situation you've been living with (double life), and that seems like a no-go. What if she turned out to be (or said she was) willing to love you as a woman? Her psychological problems would seem to be a harder situation to draw a line on.

But I guess you'll cross that bridge when it crumbles or something. Anyhow, courage!

[Flutterby32]

I'm sorry. This sounds so hard. You have the advantage of advance warning/planning time, though, so that's good. Do you have people to support you if her reaction is ugly? A place to stay, a therapist, etc.? As for getting sucked back in... .you mention sucked back into the situation you've been living with (double life), and that seems like a no-go. What if she turned out to be (or said she was) willing to love you as a woman? Her psychological problems would seem to be a harder situation to draw a line on.

But I guess you'll cross that bridge when it crumbles or something. Anyhow, courage!

thanks for the reply, Steelwork! yes, I have many people who love and support me. Including a couple of polyamorous girlfriends. Yes, I know, I should not have gone there while still married, but it happened and in some ways, the love of my new partners is making it possible for me to move forward.

We tried dealing with it years ago and she did not seem at all willing to deal with it supportively. She invalidated my female gender identity. She said some very insulting and hurtful things, including using the word "nauseating" to describe how she feels about me becoming a woman. I found a couples therapist for us, she quit. I found support groups for spouses of transgender people, she quit those as well.

Even if she does now say that she is willing to accept me as a woman, I am not sure I will truly believe her, or feel comfortable with her. If nothing else, the word "nauseating" will be very difficult to get out of my head.

[Flutterby32]

oh, I forgot to mention I have a very good therapist!