Could use some "they're not really happy" validation.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry folks. I am usually stronger than this but for various reasons today I could really use some support. I know that patterns repeat. I know from reading other people's stories and all the old threads that what we see from the outside isn't always the reality. I know all of this intellectually. However, my heart is really hurting today. Its been over a year and he looks really genuinely happy with her. ( I know I shouldn't look, care or judge my value by any of that.) I know we looked happy too and we were miserable. I know all of this so clearly. I also know it really doesn't matter. Yet I miss him. I still love him. All this counselling and I wake up with his voice in my ear. 

So could anyone please share stories again of how their expwBPD wasn't as happy as they seemed with the replacement. Of how it was a facade. Of how it failed in the end. Of how the pwBPD reached out and said it was a temporary comfort. I just really need to hear it today. I know it wasn't me. (yes I know it takes two and i  had a role in the situation too.) I know I am worthy of a respectful, faithful, collaborative relationship. Yet today all I want is to have him reach out. I really miss my person despite all his flaws. Strange but true.  

Ok thank you in advance for all your stories. I guess I am just in need of a little validation.

PS Just for the record part of me wants him to be happy. Part of me is happy for him. A small part but I am trying to nurture and grow it. Sigh. Most of me just misses him.  :'(

Thanks again. 

[hope2727]

Sorry folks. I am usually stronger than this but for various reasons today I could really use some support. I know that patterns repeat. I know from reading other people's stories and all the old threads that what we see from the outside isn't always the reality. I know all of this intellectually. However, my heart is really hurting today. Its been over a year and he looks really genuinely happy with her. ( I know I shouldn't look, care or judge my value by any of that.) I know we looked happy too and we were miserable. I know all of this so clearly. I also know it really doesn't matter. Yet I miss him. I still love him. All this counselling and I wake up with his voice in my ear. 

So could anyone please share stories again of how their expwBPD wasn't as happy as they seemed with the replacement. Of how it was a facade. Of how it failed in the end. Of how the pwBPD reached out and said it was a temporary comfort. I just really need to hear it today. I know it wasn't me. (yes I know it takes two and i  had a role in the situation too.) I know I am worthy of a respectful, faithful, collaborative relationship. Yet today all I want is to have him reach out. I really miss my person despite all his flaws. Strange but true.  

Ok thank you in advance for all your stories. I guess I am just in need of a little validation.

PS Just for the record part of me wants him to be happy. Part of me is happy for him. A small part but I am trying to nurture and grow it. Sigh. Most of me just misses him.  :'(

Thanks again. 

[shatra]

BPD doesn't dissapear when you break up====he still has it and unless he goes into intensive treatment for a long time it will damage (and then likely end) this next relationship too.  Even if he enters therapy it takes a long time and many drop out.

   What "evidence" is there that they are happy? Public posts? You know how they like to keep up an image. What evidence do you have that things are better with them than he was with you?

  Either he or she will likely end it

[hope2727]

Oh you know the usual fake book garbage. I know in my head its not likely true. He is in intensive therapy if he didn't drop out but who knows. I wish I was indifferent. I wish I didn't care. But I do. Its just my nature. Maybe the therapy worked. Maybe he stayed on his meds. Maybe she is really exactly right for him. If so I will continue to try and be happy for him. If not... .well I don't know what. I just wish it could be different.

[steelwork]

Look at the staying board. Read the lessons. Think about what "happy" means for those couples who are trying to make it work. Even if they are making it work-- at what personal cost to his new gf?

[Rmbrworst]

It's okay hope272.  Some days we are strong, other days we need support.  I understand how you feel.

Your exBPD is probably not very happy even if they are showing the world otherwise. 

My exBPD went back to his "ex" fiance.  They have been together off and on for 5 years.  The "ex" fiance took him back after he found out he was cheating with me for 6 months.  You can already see this is a disaster right?  What kind of person would take someone back after they cheated on them knowingly for so long? 

My exBPD posts stuff on certain websites about how "happy" he is and how "he's in a much better place."  However, I highly doubt it. 

My exBPD's boyfriend is often away from home and spends a lot of time on hook up apps looking for guys to sleep with.  Even though they've been engaged for 5 years, they have not had intercourse for 4 years, because my exBPD denies sex to him.  So their relationship is filled with deceit, lies, sleeping around on each other, not spending time together, etc etc etc.

And I'm sorry, what kind of relationship is it when you hardly see each other, dont sleep with each other, and have been engaged to be married for 5 years?  5 years?  They'll never get married.  Their relationship is a disaster and I'm one of the very few people who knows it.  They have completely split off contact from me because I am the person that will tell them like it is, and they dont want to hear the truth.

Dont fall for the facade.  My relationship was a facade . . . and THEIR relationship is a facade too!

Much love.

[SummerStorm]

The things my BPD friend have been doing are things she's been doing for the past five years or so, ever since her BPD really started showing itself.  And no, she isn't really happy.  She throws on the same fake smile in every picture she takes with a guy, and she probably feels happy at that moment, but she isn't truly happy.

Maybe a brief timeline will give you some validation.  

June 2015 - Tries to commit suicide the day her mom and stepdad were flying in to meet her and her boyfriend for dinner.  Ends our friendship a week later.  A few days after that, starts devaluing her boyfriend again.

July 2015 - Writes to me and tells me she and her boyfriend are moving across the country to live with her mom and stepdad, so she can enter a treatment program.

August 2015 - Starts working at a convenience store, really putting her college education and teaching degree to good use.    Texts me and tells me she isn't moving and that she broke up with her boyfriend, whom she'd been with for six months.  Posts a pic of herself with some guy at a bar a few days later.  A week later, asks if she can live with me.  I say no.  A few weeks later, starts dating a new guy.

September - Moves into a crappy apartment after bouncing around and living with various people for a month.  Ends our friendship again.  Robs her ex-boyfriend and has the cops call her.  Breaks up with the second guy from August.  

October - Starts dating a new guy.  Has her power shut off because she can't pay her bill.

November - Breaks up with the October guy.  Texts me and then friends me on Facebook.  Complains about how she's always broke and can't pay her bills.

December - Ends our friendship again and blocks me on Facebook.  Friend tells me a few days later that she's posting on Facebook about how she has no money.  Mom and stepdad visit her, and things go downhill after the first day.  Tells her mom she doesn't care if she dies or not because it's natural for parents to die.  Texts me again on Christmas but doesn't seem overly eager to talk to me.  Still has me blocked on Facebook.

January - Ignores me for a few days and never wishes me a happy New Year.  Posts a pic with a new guy but takes it down a few days later.  I take 8 days off from texting her, and when I text her again, she tells me she "misses" me.  Sends her ex-boyfriend a friend request, which he ignores.  Flips out on her mom a few weeks later and calls her names I can't use in this forum.  Mom goes NC.  Tells me to download Snapchat and friend her, but still has me blocked on Facebook.

February - Posts pics with a new guy and has been sleeping over at his place.  Starts ignoring my texts and acting like I don't exist.  Stops sending me pics on Snapchat.  Keeps getting insufficient fund notices from the bank but keeps on spending money.

But the bottom line is that, since she broke up with the guy she dated for half of 2015, the guy who saved her life when she tried to kill herself, she hasn't had a stable relationship, lives in a crappy apartment, works at a convenience store, and can't pay her bills.  And when she breaks up with someone, she runs to me because she doesn't have anyone else.  

I should also add that, when she was dating the guy last year and was physically abusing him, they both were posting to Facebook about how happy they were.  Behind the scenes, in addition to physical abuse, she deleted his female contacts from his phone, verbally abused him, and accused him several times of cheating on her.  Also, she was carrying on an affair with me and telling me how much she wanted me the day she wished him a happy birthday on Facebook and told him she loved him.  So, don't take much stock in what they post on social media. 

[hashtag_loyal]

PwBPD are never happy with any of the replacements! That's a key part of the disorder. No matter how many people they sleep with, the false sense of intimacy gained will only temporarily distract from -- but never actually heal -- the feelings of emptiness they have inside.

Think of it like a person who is dying of starvation, but no matter how much food he eats, he is never able to get rid of his hunger. That's life as a pwBPD. Pretty bleak, isn't it?

Knowing this about my ex makes me sad; why would this knowledge provide you with any sense of validation? I am very sorry you are having a tough time right now, but wishing to see someone else brought down in order to bring yourself up is just not healthy for anyone.

You are not your BPDex. Unlike him, you have the power to look within yourself, and find your own emotional validation by identifying and recognizing those positive aspects of yourself that make you a valuable person, and someone worthy of love, happiness and a healthy romantic relationship. 

To repeat something I've said in some of my earlier posts: DO NOT LET YOUR HAPPINESS DEPEND ON THE ACTIONS OF A MENTALLY ILL PERSON!

[Euler2718]

I wish I didn't care. But I do. Its just my nature.

Well, stop that (sorry, invalidating)... .seriously, I found out that I have this enormous capacity to love, to show affection, to stay committed... .maybe others have found this too? So, going forward (with a non-BPD), think what a great gift that will be to someone who can appreciate it and give some back... .happy times possible. BPD is just the movie GroundHog day with no happy ending.

[shatra]

Maybe she is really exactly right for him.

-----Even if she has good traits, and even if he thinks that right now, it does not matter. Sooner or later, the BPD will have him thinking she's awful, devaluing her, and then leaving her. No matter how good or bad she is

[homefree]

Wow, Hope. This is me in a nutshell right now. I could have written that post.

Is it real or isn't it? And the truly painful part for me is that it doesn't matter. I should be disconnecting, not ruminating about her and him.

Truly understanding that it doesn't matter if it works out or not for them is really goddamn painful to accept.

When you're down, that seems impossible to do. When you are up, it starts to make sense and when you are really up, you forget to even give a ___. I think that is the true goal. To not care about what is happening.

I hope eventually, in time, that will happen. Best wishes to you!

[hope2727]

Thanks guys. Its just been a brutal few weeks.  

I hate that I am still struggling after everything I have done to heal and he seems unscathed. I MISS him. I know thats ridiculous but I do. Oh well. He made his choices and I made mine. Now I have to find a way to survive my life as it is.

And yes groundhog day is so accurate. I can't get over how accurate. I will continue to wish him well in my heart. It would just be nice to know it wasn't me. Oh well. Onward ho.

Thank you everyone. The time ones and stories do really help.

[Euler2718]

I hate that I am still struggling after everything I have done to heal and he seems unscathed. I MISS him. I know thats ridiculous but I do. Oh well. He made his choices and I made mine. Now I have to find a way to survive my life as it is.

I MISS her too. I also am ashamed that I seem so weak to miss her still. I now also have to find a way to live without. I just went for a bike ride with her in my head. She's always in my head. But maybe less this month than last.

[Herodias]

Mines always in my head too... .It's been a year of not being together. I don't know why it's so hard except I thought it was real! No he's not happy with her or he wouldn't be reaching out to me! Even just for a "fix" of communication. Mine has a pregnant gf! Do you have any idea how awful it is for me to see babies everywhere and feel like I somehow was a failure because I lost ours? I know in my head he thinks this will make him loved and adored by his family but it won't! I think he thinks he will be happy- but he won't! I see all the stupid drama posts the gf puts up... .He may like all her love bombing and feisty immature comments, but when this baby comes in a couple months- no more being top priority for him- he will not be happy. I feel your pain and part of it I believe is because they are off with someone else and we are alone and can't even fathom being with someone new! How dare they run off with someone else and treat them like they did us- then flaunt it for all to see! One thing I get a kick out of is that his own mother doesn't want to see all her crap about how great she thinks he is either! She knows better. If the Mother knows, that's saying allot! No/ they are not happier! Absolutely not... .

[parisian]

Hope

My exBPDgf jumped into a r/s with a much younger, could be cooler woman only a few months after our 2 year relationship. They looked happy too. It nearly killed me at first (lesson - don't look) Lots of social media posts doing the usual-can't-sit-still-because-boredom-is-death-to-borderlines galleries, concerts, dinners, and so on.

They lasted oh five months, then recycled only for a few weeks... .

Now my ex has a new victim. Same story, different person. They are in idealization phase of course. I give it 5 months at most. And if not, well she is a far more weaker, self-hating, less-boundaries than me kinda girl. Good luck, she will need it. Will my ex be happy with her? Probably - until the idealization wears off.

What is it that you really miss? List the really hard things and be honest with yourself. Do you really miss that awful stuff? Or do you miss the first few months when it was perfect? Or do you just miss being in a relationship, having someone to cuddle / sleep next to?

[hope2727]

Hope

My exBPDgf jumped into a r/s with a much younger, could be cooler woman only a few months after our 2 year relationship. They looked happy too. It nearly killed me at first (lesson - don't look) Lots of social media posts doing the usual-can't-sit-still-because-boredom-is-death-to-borderlines galleries, concerts, dinners, and so on.

They lasted oh five months, then recycled only for a few weeks... .

Now my ex has a new victim. Same story, different person. They are in idealization phase of course. I give it 5 months at most. And if not, well she is a far more weaker, self-hating, less-boundaries than me kinda girl. Good luck, she will need it. Will my ex be happy with her? Probably - until the idealization wears off.

What is it that you really miss? List the really hard things and be honest with yourself. Do you really miss that awful stuff? Or do you miss the first few months when it was perfect? Or do you just miss being in a relationship, having someone to cuddle / sleep next to?

I have listed all the awful and all the good. Truth is I love him flaws and all. I cannot live with his terrible behaviour and I know that to the core of my soul. I wish he could learn from his bad choices but I doubt he ever will. I just love him regardless. Its ridiculous.

So I appreciate all the honest words and stories. They really do help. I know he isn't coming back. I just wish it could be different. I cannot tolerate the lying, cheating, bullying, gas lighting, stonewalling etc etc etc.

I do so miss the laughter, the long discussions, the little wrinkles forming in his face, the hilarious adventures we had, the nights in front of the fire doing absolutely nothing, the long walks in the rain, the meeting of two bright minds that ignited one another. I miss my person. For all his flaws I really do miss my person.

When we met he was medicated and in therapy. When that all stopped and he switched jobs he became like Jeckyl and Hyde. I miss my sweet, kind, smart, funny friend. Now he is medicated and in therapy again and I suspect he is that person again. I am sorry that when he reached out I was still to confused and hurt. I wish we had another chance to make things right. Here is a song I love that sums it up nicely.

CAM LYRICS

   

"Burning House"

I had a dream about a burning house

You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out

I laid beside you and pulled you close

And the two of us went up in smoke

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong

I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house

See you at a party and you look the same

I could take you back but people don't ever change

Wish that we could go back in time

I'd be the one you thought you'd find

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong

I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house

The flames are getting bigger now

In this burning house

I can hold on to you somehow

In this burning house

Oh, and I don't wanna wake up

In this burning house

And I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyGSe76rAJc

When I first heard the song I had to pull over in traffic to cry.

I know what all of you say is true. I just want to believe. Maybe I am a fool but I love him. I am doing better than before but I still love him. I keep trying to rebuild my life but somehow he is an ache that never really ends.

Thank you for listening and not judging. I appreciate all the support.

PS he really does look happy. I am trying to find it in myself to be happy for him.

[Herodias]

Hope, that is a good song... .I know how you feel. It's hard not to remember the good things even when we know they are bad for us. Mine thinks he's happy right now- Facebook is deceiving. Mines not happy if he's still telling me he misses me and we will always love each other! I will love him even though I feel like I shouldn't. I know how you feel- it's awful. We just have to keep trying to move on. I hate that he ended up mentally ill. I feel sad for him

[Jazzy]

Hope 2727

I understand how you feel as I am in the same boat.  4 months into NC, I was doing much better  till yesterday when I saw a picture of my ex bf with my replacement and it tore me up. She made a comment about them being deeply in love and how she had found her soul mate after many years. Seeing her in the place that belonged to me for 6 years and looking so very happy   tore me up completely  and made me wonder if this one would last forever.I still love him  very much and miss him in spite of the cruel manner in which he discarded me and although I would never take him back ever , it hurt very deeply to see them look so much in love and so happy together.It made me wonder if this r/s would last forever or longer than mine( which was 6 years) and generally made me feel  flawed and  a complete  failure. It has been 7 months since he replaced me with her and I guess only time will tell whether this one is for keeps or whether he will start looking for his next victim soon and try to ensnare her with his " you are the only one who understands me... .all my previous women have used me" game.