Hope
My exBPDgf jumped into a r/s with a much younger, could be cooler woman only a few months after our 2 year relationship. They looked happy too. It nearly killed me at first (lesson - don't look) Lots of social media posts doing the usual-can't-sit-still-because-boredom-is-death-to-borderlines galleries, concerts, dinners, and so on.
They lasted oh five months, then recycled only for a few weeks... .
Now my ex has a new victim. Same story, different person. They are in idealization phase of course. I give it 5 months at most. And if not, well she is a far more weaker, self-hating, less-boundaries than me kinda girl. Good luck, she will need it. Will my ex be happy with her? Probably - until the idealization wears off.
What is it that you really miss? List the really hard things and be honest with yourself. Do you really miss that awful stuff? Or do you miss the first few months when it was perfect? Or do you just miss being in a relationship, having someone to cuddle / sleep next to?
I have listed all the awful and all the good. Truth is I love him flaws and all. I cannot live with his terrible behaviour and I know that to the core of my soul. I wish he could learn from his bad choices but I doubt he ever will. I just love him regardless. Its ridiculous.
So I appreciate all the honest words and stories. They really do help. I know he isn't coming back. I just wish it could be different. I cannot tolerate the lying, cheating, bullying, gas lighting, stonewalling etc etc etc.
I do so miss the laughter, the long discussions, the little wrinkles forming in his face, the hilarious adventures we had, the nights in front of the fire doing absolutely nothing, the long walks in the rain, the meeting of two bright minds that ignited one another. I miss my person. For all his flaws I really do miss my person.
When we met he was medicated and in therapy. When that all stopped and he switched jobs he became like Jeckyl and Hyde. I miss my sweet, kind, smart, funny friend. Now he is medicated and in therapy again and I suspect he is that person again. I am sorry that when he reached out I was still to confused and hurt. I wish we had another chance to make things right. Here is a song I love that sums it up nicely.
CAM LYRICS
"Burning House"
I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out
I laid beside you and pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke
Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone
I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
See you at a party and you look the same
I could take you back but people don't ever change
Wish that we could go back in time
I'd be the one you thought you'd find
Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone
I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
The flames are getting bigger now
In this burning house
I can hold on to you somehow
In this burning house
Oh, and I don't wanna wake up
In this burning house
And I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyGSe76rAJcWhen I first heard the song I had to pull over in traffic to cry.
I know what all of you say is true. I just want to believe. Maybe I am a fool but I love him. I am doing better than before but I still love him. I keep trying to rebuild my life but somehow he is an ache that never really ends.
Thank you for listening and not judging. I appreciate all the support.
PS he really does look happy. I am trying to find it in myself to be happy for him.