Anxiety about not moving forward fast enough?

[apepper21]

Hi again all! I hope I'm not writing too much!

I woke up this morning in a panic, (that has only slightly subsided after trying yoga which I left 1/2 way through to go running instead... .). I'm not sure if I can explain it very well, but I'm going to try.

I am finding myself very anxious about the future and not moving forward fast enough, wasting time and missing out on life. I'm anxious and worried that my anxieties about various things in my life that I AM trying to change are going to keep me stuck. I find myself being afraid of being alone, even though I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I'm still afraid of going out with friends, meeting new people, trying new things even on my own. When I was WITH my ex pwBPD I started doing some new things  and was really looking forward to doing more once the relationship was over.

Now I'm finding myself clinging even more to my "comforts". It a major fight in my head btw I actually WANT to go out with friends and also I WANT to just stay in my comfort zone and stick to what I want to know. I get anxious b/c I know if I stick to my comfort zone for a long time, I could get stuck there.

I constantly feel like I'm not doing the "right/more interesting" thing, if I'm getting coffee reading at a coffee shop, I should be doing something else. If I'm just hanging at home (which I have a VERY hard time doing) I should be out with friends, or going to a show, out to dinner, concert etc (Something "report worthy" to others). I don't know if that stems from the fact that I'm single and so doing any of those things is bad b/c deep down I feel like a loser/unlovable for being single?

Does anyone else know at all what I'm talking about and have you found something that helps improve these feelings?

Thanks again!

[C.Stein]

Stop trying to force your healing process.  It will take as long as it takes.  The only thing you will gain by trying to force it to go faster is prolonging it.  The rest will come when you are ready.  If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?  Is there a good reason why you feel like you are wasting time? 

My ex made the "waste of time" comment to me just prior to her 2nd discard of me.  With that one comment she instantly devalued me and made feel like a completely worthless human being who wasn't worth her "time" anymore.  She reduced my self-worth to dust with only a few words.

So if this caused me to feel like I did (do), would it be fair to say that your thinking you are wasting time is also causing similar feeling about yourself?

[apepper21]

Stop trying to force your healing process.  It will take as long as it takes.  The only thing you will gain by trying to force it to go faster is prolonging it.  The rest will come when you are ready.  If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?  Is there a good reason why you feel like you are wasting time? 

My ex made the "waste of time" comment to me just prior to her 2nd discard of me.  With that one comment she instantly devalued me and made feel like a completely worthless human being who wasn't worth her "time" anymore.  She reduced my self-worth to dust with only a few words.

So if this caused me to feel like I did (do), would it be fair to say that your thinking you are wasting time is also causing similar feeling about yourself?

C.Stein: I am 38 years old. Part of me knows I can't rush the process, I guess I don't even know what it is I am supposed to be doing, what the process is? I know that sounds crazy, given all the material on here about the stages and all. I keep thinking I'm dong the "wrong thing".

As I've been sitting here, I have kind of started thinking that maybe for now, the thing that would help is to keep reading about this, the book "Stop caretaking" as well as maybe some other material about surrender, and acceptance? And come to my coffee shop, do my yoga, rent movies, go for walks with friends and make an occasional new excursion (a meetup thing or dinner with a friend instead of a walk)... .Try going to the mall. And over time the other things will all fall into place?

[troisette]

Sounds as if you are comparing yourself to a non-existent standard apepper, judging yourself and possibly setting yourself up for a sense of failure.

It's okay to feel the way you are! Give yourself permission to feel not sorted and confused. It's okay, honest!

Try taking it day by day, doing what feels good for you in that moment. There is no standard way forward, we are all different and whatever way you choose, what feels right for you, is right for you. Comforts are there to comfort you.

Sorry but I smiled when I saw your age. Thirty eight is a great age to  be, single and free - although it may not feel that way at present. I write from the perspective of a 65 year old, single and still with men interested in me. This may sound strange to you, but life's not over until it's over.

Take heart, things will ease, little by little and in time the balance of your life will return naturally. Above all, be kind to yourself - you need it after a relationship with a BPD.

[apepper21]

Sounds as if you are comparing yourself to a non-existent standard apepper, judging yourself and possibly setting yourself up for a sense of failure.

It's okay to feel the way you are! Give yourself permission to feel not sorted and confused. It's okay, honest!

Try taking it day by day, doing what feels good for you in that moment. There is no standard way forward, we are all different and whatever way you choose, what feels right for you, is right for you. Comforts are there to comfort you.

Sorry but I smiled when I saw your age. Thirty eight is a great age to  be, single and free - although it may not feel that way at present. I write from the perspective of a 65 year old, single and still with men interested in me. This may sound strange to you, but life's not over until it's over.

Take heart, things will ease, little by little and in time the balance of your life will return naturally. Above all, be kind to yourself - you need it after a relationship with a BPD.

Thank you soo much, I love that you laughed when you read I'm 38! That brings me comfort. I KNOW it's different for everyone, I need to cut myself a break and just do relaxing fun things and not look at it as right or wrong according to anyone else! Thank you, you sound like a very wise caring woman!

[apollotech]

Hi again all! I hope I'm not writing too much!

I woke up this morning in a panic, (that has only slightly subsided after trying yoga which I left 1/2 way through to go running instead... .). I'm not sure if I can explain it very well, but I'm going to try.

I am finding myself very anxious about the future and not moving forward fast enough, wasting time and missing out on life. I'm anxious and worried that my anxieties about various things in my life that I AM trying to change are going to keep me stuck. I find myself being afraid of being alone, even though I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I'm still afraid of going out with friends, meeting new people, trying new things even on my own. When I was WITH my ex pwBPD I started doing some new things  and was really looking forward to doing more once the relationship was over.

Now I'm finding myself clinging even more to my "comforts". It a major fight in my head btw I actually WANT to go out with friends and also I WANT to just stay in my comfort zone and stick to what I want to know. I get anxious b/c I know if I stick to my comfort zone for a long time, I could get stuck there.

I constantly feel like I'm not doing the "right/more interesting" thing, if I'm getting coffee reading at a coffee shop, I should be doing something else. If I'm just hanging at home (which I have a VERY hard time doing) I should be out with friends, or going to a show, out to dinner, concert etc (Something "report worthy" to others). I don't know if that stems from the fact that I'm single and so doing any of those things is bad b/c deep down I feel like a loser/unlovable for being single?

Does anyone else know at all what I'm talking about and have you found something that helps improve these feelings?

Thanks again!

apepper,

I think that you're being a little hard on yourself. You just went through a life event---something that affected your life directly. (In other words, this relationship was not on the same level as you went grocery shopping and the flavor of creamer that you like in your coffee wasn't on the shelf or you walked into the parking lot after work only to discover that your car had a flat tire, etc. These, and other events like these, are petty; they won't affect you in the long-term. However, a relationship, and ending of said relationship, will affect you long-term.) So, give yourself some breathing room here.

This is the way that I like to look at it: our successes never test us, but our failures always do; therefore, every failure is an opportunity for evaluation and subsequent growth. I also believe this in general about us: our rational self keeps us alive, but our emotional self makes us alive. Your emotional self is under duress. Now your rational self is kicking in for your recovery; they are quite different, and there will be much confusion until your "selfs" achieve a resolution (are resolved). Again, be patient with this process.

(BTW, if I am remembering correctly, there are more single people (single parent households) in the USA (assuming you live in the USA) now than there are married people (according to the latese census data). So, you being single just means, literally, that you're part of the majority, not that you're a loser or unlovable.)

Take care of yourself!

[apepper21]

Hi again all! I hope I'm not writing too much!

I woke up this morning in a panic, (that has only slightly subsided after trying yoga which I left 1/2 way through to go running instead... .). I'm not sure if I can explain it very well, but I'm going to try.

I am finding myself very anxious about the future and not moving forward fast enough, wasting time and missing out on life. I'm anxious and worried that my anxieties about various things in my life that I AM trying to change are going to keep me stuck. I find myself being afraid of being alone, even though I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I'm still afraid of going out with friends, meeting new people, trying new things even on my own. When I was WITH my ex pwBPD I started doing some new things  and was really looking forward to doing more once the relationship was over.

Now I'm finding myself clinging even more to my "comforts". It a major fight in my head btw I actually WANT to go out with friends and also I WANT to just stay in my comfort zone and stick to what I want to know. I get anxious b/c I know if I stick to my comfort zone for a long time, I could get stuck there.

I constantly feel like I'm not doing the "right/more interesting" thing, if I'm getting coffee reading at a coffee shop, I should be doing something else. If I'm just hanging at home (which I have a VERY hard time doing) I should be out with friends, or going to a show, out to dinner, concert etc (Something "report worthy" to others). I don't know if that stems from the fact that I'm single and so doing any of those things is bad b/c deep down I feel like a loser/unlovable for being single?

Does anyone else know at all what I'm talking about and have you found something that helps improve these feelings?

Thanks again!

apepper,

I think that you're being a little hard on yourself. You just went through a life event---something that affected your life directly. (In other words, this relationship was not on the same level as you went grocery shopping and the flavor of creamer that you like in your coffee wasn't on the shelf or you walked into the parking lot after work only to discover that your car had a flat tire, etc. These, and other events like these, are petty; they won't affect you in the long-term. However, a relationship, and ending of said relationship, will affect you long-term.) So, give yourself some breathing room here.

This is the way that I like to look at it: our successes never test us, but our failures always do; therefore, every failure is an opportunity for evaluation and subsequent growth. I also believe this in general about us: our rational self keeps us alive, but our emotional self makes us alive. Your emotional self is under duress. Now your rational self is kicking in for your recovery; they are quite different, and there will be much confusion until your "selfs" achieve a resolution (are resolved). Again, be patient with this process.

(BTW, if I am remembering correctly, there are more single people (single parent households) in the USA (assuming you live in the USA) now than there are married people (according to the latese census data). So, you being single just means, literally, that you're part of the majority, not that you're a loser or unlovable.)

Take care of yourself!

Thank you Apollotech! Yeah, I guess I need to give myself a break. I am worried I will not get better fast enough, but this really just happened. I guess I thought I was more prepared for it than I obviously am and this whole thing I'm experiencing now was very unexpected. I thought that once I ended it with pwBPD it would be hard to tolerate the feelings regarding him and his reactions and that HAS been hard, this aspect was not something I was expecting.

I didn't realize there are more single households than not!

Thank you everyone! My anxiety and everything has been thru the roof. I can't say HOW much i soo appreciate all this support! I feel like I'm learning to to breathe, walk, see for the first time.

[C.Stein]

Yeah, I guess I need to give myself a break. I am worried I will not get better fast enough, but this really just happened. I guess I thought I was more prepared for it than I obviously am and this whole thing I'm experiencing now was very unexpected. I thought that once I ended it with pwBPD it would be hard to tolerate the feelings regarding him and his reactions and that HAS been hard, this aspect was not something I was expecting.

I'm at pretty much 7 months out from being thrown away like trash and I am still a mess.  Not as bad as I was at 3 months but I am still a mess.  Quite simply I was completely blind-sided and totally unprepared for the profound and devastating impact my relationship and loss had on me ... .and I am no stranger to being hurt deeply by women I have loved.  It has brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life, but I am slowly putting it back together.  I will get there eventually and so will you.

[apepper21]

Yeah, I guess I need to give myself a break. I am worried I will not get better fast enough, but this really just happened. I guess I thought I was more prepared for it than I obviously am and this whole thing I'm experiencing now was very unexpected. I thought that once I ended it with pwBPD it would be hard to tolerate the feelings regarding him and his reactions and that HAS been hard, this aspect was not something I was expecting.

I'm at pretty much 7 months out from being thrown away like trash and I am still a mess.  Not as bad as I was at 3 months but I am still a mess.  Quite simply I was completely blind-sided and totally unprepared for the profound and devastating impact my relationship and loss had on me ... .and I am no stranger to being hurt deeply by women I have loved.  It has brought me to my knees in every aspect of my life, but I am slowly putting it back together.  I will get there eventually and so will you.

Thank C.Stein. I'm glad to hear you ARE feeling better!

[once removed]

hey apepper21 

i agree with others that you might be being hard on yourself or expecting too much too soon. i cant help but notice though, that i can relate to what you describe as retreating to ones comfort zone. i expressed similar thoughts at the time, and it kinda turned out to be true.

theres a balance, i think. in the aftermath of these relationships, we sort of need a lot of time in our comfort zones. can you describe this comfort zone? are they patterns and habits? do they revolve around anxiety? you might consider seeing a therapist if you havent already.

[apepper21]

hey apepper21 

i agree with others that you might be being hard on yourself or expecting too much too soon. i cant help but notice though, that i can relate to what you describe as retreating to ones comfort zone. i expressed similar thoughts at the time, and it kinda turned out to be true.

theres a balance, i think. in the aftermath of these relationships, we sort of need a lot of time in our comfort zones. can you describe this comfort zone? are they patterns and habits? do they revolve around anxiety? you might consider seeing a therapist if you havent already.

My comfort zone is around patterns and habits for sure. It's about liking a routine. It's about the known. Does that answer your question, or are you asking more detailed things? I DO see a therapist, and have been for quite some time. Thanks for making sure, I don't know how you go through this without a therapist!

[once removed]

are you asking more detailed things?

not necessarily. routine and structure are good. (re)establishing routine after these breakups is one of the top things id personally recommend. i was wondering if, for example, when youre conflicted about wanting to go out with friends vs staying at home, if this is related to shyness or introversion (not to confuse the two), that sort of thing.

to be frank though it sounds like a lot of anxiety like you say; you say if youre doing one thing (pat yourself on the back) you feel you "should" be doing another, or anxious about wanting to recover faster, with fear of life passing you by.

if youre dealing with anxiety, therapy is a great place to be. try to give yourself some credit

[Michelle27]

Oh gosh, I completely understand the need for order, control and knowing what is coming.  I am so there.  I know exactly why (so much of my life, especially with my ex wBPD was never in my control).  I am almost OCD in planning ahead and I'm hoping that fades as I heal.

[apepper21]

are you asking more detailed things?

not necessarily. routine and structure are good. (re)establishing routine after these breakups is one of the top things id personally recommend. i was wondering if, for example, when youre conflicted about wanting to go out with friends vs staying at home, if this is related to shyness or introversion (not to confuse the two), that sort of thing.

to be frank though it sounds like a lot of anxiety like you say; you say if youre doing one thing (pat yourself on the back) you feel you "should" be doing another, or anxious about wanting to recover faster, with fear of life passing you by.

if youre dealing with anxiety, therapy is a great place to be. try to give yourself some credit

Thanks, I have been living in a TON of anxiety for a long time now, I've built as much routine as I could, and now I'm afraid I'm going to create even more routine and never break out. BUT I do think routine for now is good, and I'm making a point to break it now and again.

And yes the conflict about staying home vs going out, is mixed. Part is I just want to chill at home b/c it's relaxing, part is b/c I'm afraid to go out, feels like a lot of effort and part of it is breaking the routine/comfort of staying home... .

[apepper21]

Oh gosh, I completely understand the need for order, control and knowing what is coming.  I am so there.  I know exactly why (so much of my life, especially with my ex wBPD was never in my control).  I am almost OCD in planning ahead and I'm hoping that fades as I heal.

I think the fact that you are aware of it is good! And I think that indicates it WILL fade as you heal:) How long have you been out of the relationship? Do you notice that you already ARE doing different things? I realized over the past couple days that I DO need to give myself some credit, b/c I am doing some different things. Baby steps is where it's at. Patience and acknowledgement of the baby steps! So maybe you are already doing some small things? If not, is there one thing you can think of?

So nice chatting about this!