Proactive. Pre-emptive strike

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm struggling to understand why I never knew about BPD until it was too late. I had heard of bipolar and split personality, etc. I was always good about sending the crazies packing, but not the BPD. I wish I had been taught about BPD in sex ed. I'll be telling my young unmarried relatives and friends about it so they may have a fighting chance. I'd love to put a billboard up about BPD and running away, or start a mass advertising campaign for Dr. T. These BPDs destroy lives and leave long term wounds. Even a broken leg heals in six weeks. Not this.

[Frank88]

I'm struggling to understand why I never knew about BPD until it was too late. I had heard of bipolar and split personality, etc. I was always good about sending the crazies packing, but not the BPD. I wish I had been taught about BPD in sex ed. I'll be telling my young unmarried relatives and friends about it so they may have a fighting chance. I'd love to put a billboard up about BPD and running away, or start a mass advertising campaign for Dr. T. These BPDs destroy lives and leave long term wounds. Even a broken leg heals in six weeks. Not this.

[SuperJew82]

I know what you mean. I thought I was generally educated about most of this kind of stuff. I always that she had a bit of that, or a bit of this. I knew she had problems, but I didn't know how deeply rooted or serious they were.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I knew about BPD because I had read extensively about midlife crises during a completely unrelated series of events.  Apparently many individuals who "steal" men going through midlife crises are BPD women (or vice versa).  I had a run-in with a much older man who was very clearly going through a mid-life crisis a few months before I ran into my BPD/NPD ex.  

After my relationship, I ran into an interesting theory that people who go through mid-life crises in the first place are narcissists who have collapsed or are decompensating.  They tend to discard lifelong spouses and place them with younger people, buy a lot of expensive goods, and try to enhance their image in a number of ways.  It all fits with a narcissist fishing for supply.  pwBPD make excellent narcissistic supply because of their abandonment fears -- it's an "I'll give you anything, just don't leave me" sort of hostage situation.  This decompensation often coincides with losing something important that used to function as supply -- kids moving out, retirement, etc.

In my relationship I suspected that my ex was a narcissist, but I couldn't entirely make it fit, so I discarded the idea.  Having read a little more on the topic, I now think my assessment was correct.  I always thought pwNPD were into conspicuous consumption, brand names, prestigious jobs, titles, etc.  Since my ex wasn't any of those things, I didn't understand how he could have NPD.  His type of grandiosity and image are not necessarily the ones valued by society at large, but they are there.

I wish I had known about BPD and NPD as a teenager.  Even if young people aren't taught about the disorders specifically, they should learn that very conditional relationships -- the ones where they have to work hard to always meet another person's stringent expectations -- are not healthy.  They should also be taught how to voice their own needs and measure whether they are being met.  

[hashtag_loyal]

I've warned all my good friends, .

[tryingsome]

Well it is pretty hard to dismiss a person who mirrors you perfectly in the beginning.

A pwBPD has honed this tactic.

So don't beat yourself one the initial allure.

The greater lesson here for almost all of us is why we stuck around so long.

I don't think a class is necessary to say this was dysfunctional.

If your friend told you about a similar story, you would say no way -> get out now.

So really, these relationships are about us.

Why did we allow the abuse?

And what are we doing going forward?

The going forward is the biggest piece... .this should be the best day of your life though you might not yet realize it.

Take advantage of this hurt and improve yourself.

I try everyday and it is a struggle sometimes.

[warhar]

As to why you've never been told about BPD, you need to remember that the term itself is relatively new. The condition has been known about forever though! Shakespeare writes of 'shrews' and 'scolds', in the Victorian era we hear of 'fishwives' and 'slatterns'. Early 20th century we hear of 'sluts' (not in the modern sexual sense but rather as a messy, unkempt woman), mid-20th century we hear of a woman 'wearing the trousers' in a relationship, late 20th century we hear about the 'control freak' and the last few years we use the term 'BPD'.

Also, let us not forget the long-running favourite - ___

In our traditional euro-centric society, men who were saddled with women such as these were laughed at and, in accordance with the times, encouraged to give them a good beating. And if the man couldn't then the village council would - research the 'scold's bridle'!

We have known that these people are at best unpleasant and at worst, dangerous to individuals, families and their communities and all of those little jokes that men make are, or rather were, warnings to younger, unmarried men about what to be wary of in their prospective partners.

Also, I'd say that BPD tendencies might have been kept to more manageable levels when a husband was encouraged to administer a 'sound thrashing'! Also, until recently women were highly dependant upon their husbands as a source of income - another possible encouragement to the BPD to behave!

We live in different times now, women are self-supporting and have greater access to any number of supports which has made the traditional man's role less necessary in a modern relationship. And for the BPD, there is no need to regulate her behaviour when there is no consequence to misbehaving.

[once removed]

after these relationships, and after the knowledge of BPD, which is no doubt invaluable, we have a choice. challenging, troubled, and high conflict personalities are all around us: in the workplace, in our families, in our dating pools, even on this board. its a valuable tool to have gained to be able to identify them. the choice we have is how we navigate. we can become hypervigilant, and run from anything we deem a sign, which unconsciously keeps us stuck in "victim" mode, and not trusting anyone, and less able to build authentic connections with others. that might work and it might not. 28% of the population may meet the criteria for mental illness at some point in their lives (that includes mood disorders like depression and is not limited to personality disorders), so thats a lot of people to have to go out of our way to avoid.

have you read up much on boundaries, frank88?

[troisette]

Hi Frank88 - welcome to the club!   I wish I'd known about BPD as well, after marriage to a diagnosed NPD I thought I was well informed. I knew nothing about BPD and the indicators.

Tryingsome makes a good comment:

"The going forward is the biggest piece... .this should be the best day of your life though you might not yet realize it."

I would not have believed that nine months ago when I was in emotional agony. I've been no contact for five months now, after several months of push/pull. I can't claimed I've recovered but it is getting better and I'm understanding more about myself and BPD. Also, beginning to be able to use that gift of knowledge acquired to steer my life on better course. So hang in there.

warhar - BPD is not an exclusively female illness. Administration of "a sound thrashing"? I hope you are not serious.

[warhar]

Hi Troisette - my reply was written to illustrate that BPD isn't a new, modern illness but that it has been around for a very long time. Words and phrases in 'quotation marks' are taken from their relevant era.

As to BPD not being an exclusive female illness, we need to remember that only within the last year or two have men been added into the BPD fold. Prior to that there existed a rather weird sexism which saw men being labelled as sociopaths and psychopaths and their female counterparts being labelled BPD. (Obviously a carry-over from our past social conditioning which taught us to see women as being victims and not as accountable as men, hence the 'softer' terminology)

[Skip]

... .we need to remember that only within the last year or two have men been added into the BPD fold. Prior to that there existed a rather weird sexism which saw men being labelled as sociopaths and psychopaths and their female counterparts being labelled BPD... .

Hi warhar,

Some of this sounds like Internet urban legend... .I might be careful, because those of us that get too mired in urban legend often learn little from these experiences and don't aquire the skills needed to live in a world with close to 30% of the population with an addiction or mental disorder.

At bpdfamily, we try to stay on a clinical line here so that we are dealing with unbaised facts - its a little more painful and requires some self-reflection - but in the long run, it helps.

Since inception, BPD has been seen as a disorder that was 75% female. This was revised in 2008 to 50%.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66448.msg784927#msg784927

Your "history of the world of BPD" probably better fits the broader term of mentally ill.  All of the personality disorders can lead to hurtful experiences for relationship partners.  Same is true of OCD, and ADHD.  :)epression, substance dependence, schizophrenia, etc.  I wouldn't paint pwBPD as the scourge of history. Its just one of many mental conditions that is difficult.

I'd go one step further and say that mild mental illness is particularly hard because it's not so obvious (clinical BPD's live really broken and painful lives) - many of the partners here didn't rise to the level of clinically BPD. They had appealing and lovable sides, they functioned well, they were compelling and we encouraged it and bought in as much as they did, and then they shifted and caught us offguard.

Skip

PS: Here are some members comments on shrink4men - I think this shows the difference between clinical skills vs advocacy skills (manosphere, anti-feminists).  This video is interesting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273744.msg12600456#msg12600456