After months of fighting the inevitable, I am done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last summer my BPDex was suicidal en almost overdosed herself with a huge intake of Benzos. We had been together for 5.5 years then, which all in all where relatively smooth, with now and then extreme moments of bliss, or so i assumed at that time.

The suicide attempt caused an instant and extreme devaluation, she from then on blamed me for whatever little detail that had happened since the start of the relationship, she bullied me around with little respect, and i basically turned from Hero to Zero in a couple of days... .

I guess this all sounds very familiar.

The 7 months that have passed since the overdose have been hell. I was traumatised by the suicide attempt, felt guilty i hadn't seen it coming, and tried to fix things that she perceived to have been my fault (everything).

I let go of all the boundaries that i had somehow managed to retain over the years. And with those deflector shields down, I have let her trigger all the toxic-shame, guilt and fear i had in myself. Out of pure love. For months and months.


The peculiar thing is that during these months of pain and horror, a certain self-awareness started to grow. I started to see that this had nothing to do with how a relationship is supposed to work.

The more i started to look deep inside myself, the more I started to see through her, the more i realised i was falling in a familiar childhood trap, and the more i started to look beyond the helpless victim she claimed to be.

I had always loved and even protected her wounded child, but never realised that while at the front it's a cute vulnerable girl, at the backside there is an evil baby monster trying to control everything and everybody.

I started to notice her covert narcicism and lack of empathy, her controlling behaviours and started to see that love had not so much to with it.

While my inner child was still wrestling to get her 'old self' back, my adult side rationalised what had been right in front of me all these years (I had been played into a game of projection and deceit).

And that's been basically an uprising inside myself for the past months, inner child and adult disagreeing ever more, it nearly destroyed me.


And then yesterday morning, exactly 7 months since the overdose, i finally couldnt take it anymore. Things unravelled quite rapidly into a breakup. The irony is that she feels like she is the one who cut the final straw, yet inside, it's me who wanted it.


I thought i would have been bleeding on the ground, cut and broken in a sea of tears. Strange thing is i feel relieved, i feel reconnected with myself.

And while i see her once or twice a day, i still get that sad feel of what she ment to me, the glorified image i had of her, the hopes i had for our future (inner child), on the other hand, my adult side knows all to well that it wasn't realy about me in the first place, it wasn't real love, it was a carefully controlled performance in which i merely got the supporting part.

How far along in recovery am i, on my second day of a breakup?

[ChangingOfTides]

Last summer my BPDex was suicidal en almost overdosed herself with a huge intake of Benzos. We had been together for 5.5 years then, which all in all where relatively smooth, with now and then extreme moments of bliss, or so i assumed at that time.

The suicide attempt caused an instant and extreme devaluation, she from then on blamed me for whatever little detail that had happened since the start of the relationship, she bullied me around with little respect, and i basically turned from Hero to Zero in a couple of days... .

I guess this all sounds very familiar.

The 7 months that have passed since the overdose have been hell. I was traumatised by the suicide attempt, felt guilty i hadn't seen it coming, and tried to fix things that she perceived to have been my fault (everything).

I let go of all the boundaries that i had somehow managed to retain over the years. And with those deflector shields down, I have let her trigger all the toxic-shame, guilt and fear i had in myself. Out of pure love. For months and months.


The peculiar thing is that during these months of pain and horror, a certain self-awareness started to grow. I started to see that this had nothing to do with how a relationship is supposed to work.

The more i started to look deep inside myself, the more I started to see through her, the more i realised i was falling in a familiar childhood trap, and the more i started to look beyond the helpless victim she claimed to be.

I had always loved and even protected her wounded child, but never realised that while at the front it's a cute vulnerable girl, at the backside there is an evil baby monster trying to control everything and everybody.

I started to notice her covert narcicism and lack of empathy, her controlling behaviours and started to see that love had not so much to with it.

While my inner child was still wrestling to get her 'old self' back, my adult side rationalised what had been right in front of me all these years (I had been played into a game of projection and deceit).

And that's been basically an uprising inside myself for the past months, inner child and adult disagreeing ever more, it nearly destroyed me.


And then yesterday morning, exactly 7 months since the overdose, i finally couldnt take it anymore. Things unravelled quite rapidly into a breakup. The irony is that she feels like she is the one who cut the final straw, yet inside, it's me who wanted it.


I thought i would have been bleeding on the ground, cut and broken in a sea of tears. Strange thing is i feel relieved, i feel reconnected with myself.

And while i see her once or twice a day, i still get that sad feel of what she ment to me, the glorified image i had of her, the hopes i had for our future (inner child), on the other hand, my adult side knows all to well that it wasn't realy about me in the first place, it wasn't real love, it was a carefully controlled performance in which i merely got the supporting part.

How far along in recovery am i, on my second day of a breakup?

[WoundedBibi]

Welcome ChangingOfTides 

Recovery, grief, detaching, healing, none of it is linear 

Sounds like you have a lot of knowledge and insight already though, that helps I think.

Good you came here. There is knowledge here and support.

[JohnLove]

Your breakup scenario sounds like the "cleanest"... .if she feels she chose the breakup then she will be satisfied In a sense. You already desiring it sounds like you will also be content with things.

I know exactly what you mean with regard to the glorified idealised her and what could have been. Unfortunately it is but a pipe dream. What you have uncovered is the real her.

If we don't project what we want or desire on to our disordered partner you will find we are left with very little.

It is what it is.

[duncsvoice]

And then yesterday morning, exactly 7 months since the overdose, i finally couldnt take it anymore. Things unravelled quite rapidly into a breakup. The irony is that she feels like she is the one who cut the final straw, yet inside, it's me who wanted it.


I thought i would have been bleeding on the ground, cut and broken in a sea of tears. Strange thing is i feel relieved, i feel reconnected with myself.

And while i see her once or twice a day, i still get that sad feel of what she ment to me, the glorified image i had of her, the hopes i had for our future (inner child), on the other hand, my adult side knows all to well that it wasn't realy about me in the first place, it wasn't real love, it was a carefully controlled performance in which i merely got the supporting part.

This really sums up how I feel also, thank you. For two years I acted as this girls carer, prevented her suicide attempts, absorbed the abuse, whilst I slipped in to a depression that I left unchecked. She's gone now, and I miss her. I'm not sure if I love/ loved her, or I just got caught up in the performance, as you perfectly put it. I wasn't myself for those years, I was short tempered when I used to be happy go lucky. I was quiet when I used to be laughing all the time. I let friendships die because she didn't like them. I bear the physical scars where I used to cut myself because I was so upset about the relationship.

It wasn't real, I see it now. She'll do the same to someone else, and I feel sorry for them. I feel relieved for sure.

[Isa_lala]

ChangingOfTides, bravo!

If you feel relief, is it because you have maybe not consciensly done your mourning since her suicide attempt?

In any way, I wish you the best from now on. Take advantage of every minute of your new life

[gotbushels]

Wow. Great sharing Changingoftides. Sounds really rough and the bit about your boundaries sounds like it felt really horrible.

I agree with JohnLove that this sounds like a cleaner break than most.

"I had always loved and even protected her wounded child, but never realised that while at the front it's a cute vulnerable girl, at the backside there is an evil baby monster trying to control everything and everybody."

Huge LOL. Thanks for the laughs today. Can totally relate but that is one serious creative image.

Stay well, stay safe and may your upcoming journey be restful for you.

[FallBack!Monster]

Couldn't have described it better myself.