Reply or not to his message, I want a friendship..need guidance

[Fox007]

We had a typical BPD/Enabling codependent r/s

Short but great friendship, we hooked up intensely, he moved in with me immediately and we were together 24/7 for almost 5 months.

His "splitting" started after about 6 wks.

There was lots of drugs and alcohol involved as well.

Also typical was the frequency and escalation of each "split" and "rage", and withdrawal... .then the repeat of the cycles.

The walking on eggshells etc... .

It wasn't till after 4 months in did I realize that he was BPD... undiagnosed. (I wish I had figured that out sooner)

I felt used and discarded many times, as well as loved and cherished. I also loved him and felt very addicted. This was the first time in my life I felt so abused in a relationship and surprised myself how I let it happen and wanted to stay even though my rational mind said not to.

I withdrew from friends, thought about his needs mostly as I was becoming a shell of myself. I see my fault in that which needs addressing and much work. Classic codependent.

Ok, so our last contact was 5 days ago. It was on FB which is the only means to communicate for us.

Our last big "BPD rage at me" was the most cruel, explosive (in a bar), humiliating, and aggressive. That was less than 2 weeks ago.

We met again before he left the area. Stayed together for an emotional night of him pushing and then pulling.

And then spent 1 more day together the day before he left.

The day was a mixed experienced but we left on a good goodbye... .

That was important to me and our first separating on a good note.

He already had a new girl he was toying with so that probably helped that.

So the questions I have, or answers I know that I need reminding are... .

Can I have a friendship with this charming, fun, intelligent, interesting disordered man long distance? Or because we were in a relationship is that now impossible? Will he resent me for those times he cried and told me how he hurts everyone he loves and will continue to do so. How he is deeply damaged inside, how he is a phony and not as smart as he portrays.

Will he resent me for always being available while I cannot count on him?

Ugh!.

3 days ago I cried all day over the pain from this r/s... .that's when I told myself to go NC.

All the time hoping any FB message in my box was from him.

Well this FB message was from him... at drunk hour of the night.

A quick one sentence saying... hello how are you?

I want to respond and I'm afraid to stir up the emotional pot again.

Could he be wanting a friendship like he said before?

I now understand why he said to me many times how he didn't want to get involved with me, his new good friend. Involvements = pain and a dissolved friendship.

He's very charming and great looking... .he can and will replace me fast in his new location which I'm ok with. That will take some pressure off us both I think.

I need some clarity here... .I want the friendly communication back but am I being delusional to think we can?

Am I playing a game with myself?

very confused after receiving contact. I want so much to respond.

If I don't will he "get it"... feel abandoned? maybe I ask for NC but I'm finding that hard to type.

He has said to me in the end that he wanted to go NC b/c I was in his head and causing too much pain.

Our 5 months were incredibly intense and emotional.

Advice?

TIA

[Fox007]

I think I will respond like this... .

"Nice to hear from you, I'm doing ok thanks.

I hope you too are doing well.

I need more time to heal before I can open  communication with you. I'll contact you when I'm ready if ok... .Thanks for understanding"

Or is that pathetic?

I should be reminding myself of the pain I endured,

be angry... .instead, I'm happy he reached out.

This is hard sh*t.

[troisette]

Hi Fox

If you look further down on the board, you'll see a thread "BPD/friendship" - you might find the comments there helpful. Personally I don't think friendship is a good idea. Because people with BPD don't function like us and their notion of friendship is about us meeting their needs, not reciprocity. My concept of friendship is of mutual interests, support, loyalty, being there for each other when we need it. I don't think BPDs can do this for us.

"I felt used and discarded many times, as well as loved and cherished." - that was my experience too and it's confusing isn't it? The love and cherishing (which perhaps we didn't receive as children) is the drug that keeps us going while blinkering the using and discarding. It heady stuff, lovely when we are getting it and we get withdrawal symptoms when its witheld.

I also found that I was becoming a shell of myself, adapting to him, his friends and his needs. It was insidious and I didn't realise how far it had gone until I started no contact.

If you do decide to have a friendship with him, have you thought about what your expectations are? And based on your experience of him, are you prepared for repeats of that? Would a friendship with him be worth  that? Only you know the answer, we are different.

If you stay no contact and he feels abandoned, that's not really your concern - although I understand why you may feel it is. Your main concern is your wellbeing. Recovery from the intense emotions during and after, establishing emotional equilibrium. The emotional rollercoaster is not good for any of us. We need calm time to recover, to get perspective, I think this comes with the distance of time. It sounds as if he may be playing push/pull at the moment and it's not helping you. You are the most important person here.

It's normal to want to respond, just a little bit more of the drug, but you may well be hooked in again. This man was cruel, humiliating and aggressive, as well as charming, fun and intelligent. But you'll never know which side you are going to experience and you'll probably find yourself on eggshells worrying, even during good times.

I don't think you are playing a game with yourself. It sounds as if you are experiencing the normal reactions of someone who's just split with a BPD. You may be in shock as well. My advice would be to stay away, maintain no contact, however hard, and concentrate on yourself.

Elements of your story chime with mine, I understand the pain and send you good wishes.

Take care.  

[Fox007]

Thx very much Troisette,

Best is to close computer, leave the house and lose temptation to respond.

And think very hard about what to do.

One day at a time. (Or hour at a time like it feels now)

Is there anyone who has retained a friendship with an xpwBPD? One success story maybe?

Doesn't look promising.

[Panda39]

We had a typical BPD/Enabling codependent r/s... .

His "splitting" started after about 6 wks... .

There was lots of drugs and alcohol involved as well... .

Also typical was the frequency and escalation of each "split" and "rage", and withdrawal... .then the repeat of the cycles.

The walking on eggshells etc... .

I withdrew from friends, thought about his needs mostly as I was becoming a shell of myself.

Some things to think about... .

Why do you want this friendship?  Why are you struggling to let go of this man (what is the attraction -see above)?  What do you think will be different in his behavior from your relationship and a friendship? What do you deserve in a friend? What needs of yours will he fulfill?  Why is this email making you feel obligated to respond? ... .

I think your on the right track use the distance as a way to gain some objectivity (let the FOG clear) and take the time to process this relationship before making any decisions about a friendship.

Panda39

[WoundedBibi]

Can I have a friendship with this charming, fun, intelligent, interesting disordered man long distance? Or because we were in a relationship is that now impossible? Will he resent me for those times he cried and told me how he hurts everyone he loves and will continue to do so. How he is deeply damaged inside, how he is a phony and not as smart as he portrays.

Will he resent me for always being available while I cannot count on him?

Let's see if rephrasing your questions helps to give you some answers.

If a friend told you about a breakup and asked your advice on the following question, what would be your answer?

"Can I have a friendship with this cold, aggressive, emotionally unbalanced, emotionally draining addict?"

People with BPD think black or white. They aren't black or white as a person. He is both. You cannot take just his white side and leave the black behind. It's all or nothing. And without being able to know or determine when he will act black or white as a friend to you. Why would you want a friendship with a friend who will abuse you? Or who is unhealthy for you?

I recently walked away (hopefully temporarily) from a friend (we have never been anything else) because he has gone from being fun to be with to being negative about everything. He isn't an old man but he acts as a very grumpy old man. Everyone is stupid, everyone is being judged. His wife agrees he's turning into a grumpy old man but is ok with it. He disagrees there is anything up. It is not my job to convince him he has changed dramatically. If he disagrees or is ok with it, who am I to keep saying it louder? If he would reach out to me for help, I would be there. We have been friends for more than 20 years. But right now, I cannot deal with the negativity. It drains me. I want to be able to watch tv together without a night of "pfff... .who is THIS ahole?" about everyone he doesn't know and has seen for a whole 10 seconds. He has been a good and loyal friend. He has helped me, I have helped him. I hope we can regain contact and a deep friendship again. But right now negative energy is not healthy for me, so I leave him be. Would being friends with your ex bring you positive or negative energy? And would you be able to deal with BOTH?

I presume this was not your first relationship. Has there ever been a guy you broke up with who didn't treat you right not because he had BPD but just because he turned out to be a douchebag? Did you ask yourself after breaking up "can I remain friends with this guy?". Probably not. Why would you want to be friends with a douchebag? The thought probably never entered your mind.

If a recovering alcoholic asked you "you know I quit drinking. I see you have some bottles of booze here. Can I take one home? Not to drink! No no, just to hold and look at... " What would be your answer?

You want him in your life because you don't want to let go. You still, at least partly, want him. For more than just a friend I sense. You're willing to even accept replacements as they "will take the pressure off". Anything to be in his life. Even as just a friend while you long for the good old times. Even if you have been replaced.

To quote you: classic codependent.

To freely quote member 2010: he is a Ding Dong. He is not healthy for you. Don't touch the Ding Dong. Don't smell the Ding Dong. Don't look at the Ding Dong. Don't read the list of ingredients of the Ding Dong. Don't put the Ding Dong on the table just to look at or be with. Create yourself a Ding Dong free zone.

[hope2727]

Hun why would you want such a lousy friend? Seriously with friends like that who needs enemies. He knows right from wrong. He chooses wrong. The end. I personally lost several "friends" during this journey. Don't miss them at all! My real friends treat me with kindness and respect. I won't settle for anything less. I certainly don't want a friend who acts horrible to me. Just saying.

Hugs.

[once removed]

hey fox007 

i think everything mentioned should be taken into consideration, along with your motives (why you wish to be friends), and along with using your time and space to heal and get some perspective, ultimately decide what a friendship would entail, etc.

if you would like to send your response i think its a good BIFF response and fits within your goals (distance, heal, consider friendship down the road when youre ready).

[pfeiffj1]

I understand your desire to stay friends with this person.  Borderlines tend to be very exciting and more fun to be with than just about anyone else.  I stongly urge you to fight this feeling and run as far away as you can get.  Any future contact with this person will just increase your pain in the long run.  They only appear to be a friend so they can use and manipulate you in the future.  Please do some reading on the illness.  It is very bleak.

[Fox007]

Thank you all for the valuable input.

I greatly appreciate it.

Big hugs to all!

Maybe I'm having a hard time because of the good moments. He was a friend when we met, we were both seeing other people at the time and there was no sexual tension then.

During our relationship there were times that he was very supportive, helpful and seemed to sincerely care. Those moments became fewer and fewer and I was painted black more frequently with each rage escalating.

Is it too far fetched to think we can return to that place before we connected?

I have excellent relations with most of my ex's.

Friendships that I cherish to this day.

This r/s has affected me much differently than the rest. That I realize. I have never been in anything like this before...

Yes I co-dependently enabled past lovers but things never got abusive... .painful yes but not like this experience.

My first BPD, and hopefully my last.

I have done extensive reading on the disorder as well as my Codependency. Knowing more does not make it easier to walk away but harder when the heart is involved.

It's that fine line between the person being a douchebag or the disorder being one.

I have always had great empathy for folks suffering from mental illness and I feel for them. When someone I care about is suffering with one, I feel compassion more than anything.

I am decisive about not getting involved with him romantically any more. After figuring out he was BPD I changed my outlook on it all. I cannot be romantically involved with this man... .but the friendship we had I want again.

I'm dreaming aren't I?

Well I responded with a very short message.

Couldn't help myself. oops

Let's see what happens next... Maybe I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment.

This board has been so beneficial.

Thanks!