Realizing the cost of drama and chaos

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone

I'm realizing how much it costs me and my son to deal with drama and chaos from his mother.

Since getting well and during this stage of recovery where peace begins to take hold in our lives, the threats and fake illnesses and accusation, triangulation and all the wonderful elements of BPD, it is so much more apparent how draining and wearing life around pwBPD can be.

I'm certainly not complaining, just an observation and I believe this is evidence of my getting well. My son's mother ramps up the bad behaviours seemingly as my son and my lives improve.

I wish her the best, we care, I just have to stay my ground and maintain strong bounderies.

Hope you all feel better, and eventually you will see all the fun stuff we don't need from our ex BPDs

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I'm realizing how much it costs me and my son to deal with drama and chaos from his mother.

Since getting well and during this stage of recovery where peace begins to take hold in our lives, the threats and fake illnesses and accusation, triangulation and all the wonderful elements of BPD, it is so much more apparent how draining and wearing life around pwBPD can be.

I'm certainly not complaining, just an observation and I believe this is evidence of my getting well. My son's mother ramps up the bad behaviours seemingly as my son and my lives improve.

I wish her the best, we care, I just have to stay my ground and maintain strong bounderies.

Hope you all feel better, and eventually you will see all the fun stuff we don't need from our ex BPDs

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jerry,

I can relate to at least some of that feeling of peace. I've been in my new place around 6 weeks or so now. It feels calm and I feel a sense of protection because he doesn't know where I live. If that makes any sense. All I need to do now is stop responding to his communication!

I've been following your story and you have a lot to cope with. I admire your efforts. May your lives continue to improve.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Larmoyant

I am glad you are finding peace and security. It's funny how much we are willing to give up for others and it just slowly evolves until we find ourselves trapped, physically or emotionally with these people.

I now enjoy a new freedom, the freedom to make choices that align with my values and beliefs. No more compromise for them or anyone. I am me, I love myself and I accept myself for who I am. I have an obligation to take the best care of myself, no one else will.

My son needs me, I desire peace and joy and no one's going to take that away from me and I'm certainly not giving it away ever again.

Have a great night Larmoyant

 

[Lilyroze]

  Jerry,

Yes if you are an insightful, loving, caring person it is so hard. You look that you can fix, make better, help, and not realize that the chaos and drama is their whole life.

You get on a merry go round of trying, helping, and not realize how crazy it gets, until you can get off for awhile. Pause and live life to the fullest in peace, joy, gratitude, and dealing with something calmly and rationally with kindness.

Because we both have these insights, I have never ever felt a void, no crying, no hurt just a huge void before. All abuse I had aside, all growing up with regular life etc never a black void I am feeling now. Never... .then read someones kindness and flood of tears again have to process why and what is happening.

Came to yours as while in this void, can't stop laughing at this one I found on Social Media: ( am I losing it?) LOL Thought you could appreciate.

Your husband called. He said he's sorry your twitter crush broke up with you, but can you do the laundry and feed the kids now? The fantasy land people of BPD

Keep going, glad you found some peace, calm and insight.

 Put that topic up you wanted it is in Personal Inventory, probably should be in detaching, not sure if they will move ( on one replacement like you).

Be in joy and have a great week ahead.

[married21years]

well done bud keep it up

it is a long road but worth it and you are on the right path

 

[bus boy]

HI jerryRG, I can relate so much to your post. It is baffling to me, to be a good father, my son is in a safe environment when with me. My ex wife deviently and deliberately book her vacation time during my access weekends. S9 had a hurt look on his face and in his voice when I told him this will be our last weekend for a while. The better the access weekends work for s9 and I , the stronger my boundaries the worse she gets.

[Mutt]

Hi busboy,

My ex wife deviently and deliberately book her vacation time during my access weekends.

I'm sorry to hear that. I would feel frustrated if my ex booked a vacation on my time with the kids. I recall that she wanted to drop the kids off while I was at work and I had no one to take of the kids, I suspect that she had a date with her boyfriend and she put her needs in front of everyone else's.

We were separated and I kept rejecting her, subconsciously she needed the attachment with her boyfriend, she had just left me and it was a new r/s, I'm sure that she was worried that he may not commit. That said, do you have a court order? That curbed my exuBPDw's lack of consideration, because I could go to the police with a court order and ultimately a judge.

Hi JerryRG,


I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better  

I'm certainly not complaining, just an observation and I believe this is evidence of my getting well. My son's mother ramps up the bad behaviours seemingly as my son and my lives improve.

This can feel scary when our ex partner's behaviors ramp up, it's a phenomenon called an extinction burst. Did you give your son a soother? I recall when we took away our first born's soother that she cried for it for a few days at bed time, she cried for an hour or more and the crying ramped up until one day the crying stopped, that peak with her crying is called an extinction burst. I recall feeling terrible for my baby girl because I felt hopeless, this article explains the phenomenon quite well.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[JerryRG]

Thank you everyone, been running all afternoon filling out apps and forms to get my son into perminent daycare. Had to get his medical records, immunization etc.

The extinction burst make perfect sense to me, our sons mother triangulated with grandma yesterday and told her I said she wasn't allowed to see our son.

She has primary custody so she knows better

She has been sick for 2 weeks so she's asked me to have him, all I said was our son can be with me anytime.

She's been sick so how am I keeping our son away from her when she's asked me to have him.

Lies and distortions all to get grandma upset with me.

Then never text yesterday or yet today to even ask how he's doing?

All just a game.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryG,

I understand that it's frustrating for but things will eventually stabilize.  That's good that you're picking on triangulation. A pwBPD will cast themselves primarily on two corners of a triangle and rarely in the role as persecutor. It was incredibly frustrating being cast into the position when you're not aware of the dynamics but if you read about it eventually you'll a pattern with your ex amd in other scenarios in life.

She's blaming you, you're cast in the role of persecutor and her mom is cast in the role of rescuer and she's cast in the role of victim. Maybe her mom said something about your ex and not watching your son? I'm speculating but something triggered her and then she blame shifts. My ex can blame shift all the wants or cast in the role of persecutor but if I don't participate the blame and the drama ceases. Your ex cast you in that role but it doesn't that you have assume and I know that you didn't but what I'm getting is don't take it personally, become indifferent to the behaviors you neither like it ir hate it. Maybe someday you'll be able to laugh some of this stuff., "there goes again, doing that thing that she always!"

It's win win for you and your son if you get to spend more time together. I also understand  that you need more time behind you, watch out for those patterns with triangulation, she's been sick and she probably feel guilt and shame, she's emotionally immature and it's always someone's fault. She is who she is.