Emotional pain and defense mechanisms. Question?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve read that pwBPD live with a lot of pain, but then use defense mechanisms to ward off that pain. How can it be both? I mean does the pain break through and then they adopt (albeit unconsciously) a defense, e.g. projection,  blame shifting, rewrite history, splitting, denial, etc. I mean, how can they be experiencing pain with this arsenal of defense mechanisms? Also, does treatment for BPD involve learning about defense mechanisms? Is it emotionally dangerous for a pwBPD if their defenses break down?

[Larmoyant]

I’ve read that pwBPD live with a lot of pain, but then use defense mechanisms to ward off that pain. How can it be both? I mean does the pain break through and then they adopt (albeit unconsciously) a defense, e.g. projection,  blame shifting, rewrite history, splitting, denial, etc. I mean, how can they be experiencing pain with this arsenal of defense mechanisms? Also, does treatment for BPD involve learning about defense mechanisms? Is it emotionally dangerous for a pwBPD if their defenses break down?

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant 

Great question.

Yes I do think some pwBPDs live with a lot of pain and quite a few defence mechanisms. I don't want to go too far, but it's true that persons who aren't BPD live with these too.

How can it be both?
(... .)
I mean, how can they be experiencing pain with this arsenal of defense mechanisms?

I think what you said is fair.

I mean does the pain break through and then they adopt (albeit unconsciously) a defense, e.g. projection,  blame shifting, rewrite history, splitting, denial, etc.

Perhaps consider that suppressed pain is not the same as resolved pain. Just because you deny something doesn't mean you don't feel it.

Also, just because you deny, project, split, etc., doesn't mean the underlying or "driving" pain goes away. I remember seeing somewhere that denying anger can be like holding a lid on pot on a stove--just a matter of time. Perhaps pain could function like that too?

Maybe we can even get specific. Suppose the pwBPD sees someone looking at them 'funny'. Suppose something in them has the unusual connection sequence of:

"someone looks at me 'funny'→ I feel terrible → they must be judging me → I hate them → *pain*"

Then suppose the pwBPD uses the "deny" for suppression. The underlying cause doesn't go away. In fact, every time the first stimulus is applied ("someone looks at me 'funny' " pain results no matter what the given suppression (deny, project, split, etc.).

I'm not sure about the treatment details. I'd be cautious about going here as it may not really be an intimate-relationship-non's role to get into this.

I think an improved relationship is possible with someone with BPD. It takes an enormous amount of work from both partners. I mean, a lot of effort, patience, time, therapy, and commitment.

[once removed]

think of an addict.

an addict is in pain. an addict turns to addiction to cope with, avoid, or alleviate the pain. in the short term, it can even be effective at alleviating that pain (people wouldnt use dysfunctional coping methods if they didnt work on some level). long term it tends to compound it.

have you seen this video: https://bpdfamily.org/2013/10/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder.html

its about 48 minutes long. its one of the best videos on BPD out there, and is chock full of leading experts on the disorder.

[lovenature]

Hi L

PwBPD are not able to regulate their emotions, shame being the worst, so they have their defense mechanisms to cope; they all boil down to the pwBPD making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment (my ex. projected her cheating onto me once we got too close and her fear of engulfment was triggered).

They feel the pain, but unlike someone without the disorder, they don't process it-too painful for them, so they deflect it to make themselves feel better.

The cycle of a BPD relationship will continue to repeat without years of therapy; don't worry about their defenses breaking down, they have them honed very well for a means of survival.