Reached out to my ex BPD friend

[Lil Rocky]

Hello everyone. If you need more info, here's my 1st post regarding the current situation with my ex friend.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296892.0

Yesterday after a month of NC, I broke down and decided to reach out to her to talk and resolve the things between us. I've read on here and other forums that pwBPD do come back after a certain amount of time. Will she accept my invitation to work things out or is this permanent? I really do want to mend our friendship and possibly help her get the help she needs.

[gotbushels]

Hi Lil Rocky 

Well done on your attempt at NC. Attempts are neither always successful nor always fitting for us. It's not easy when we go against something we set out to do. NC is a very difficult thing to do sometimes. Well, I don't know if anything will resolve what's between the two of you. I don't know if she'll come back. I don't know if she'll accept your invitation. I'm sorry but I don't have an answer on what she will most likely do. A person being unpredictable and predictable at the same time is difficult to draw conclusions from.

But--honestly and without judgment--I'm simply curious. May I see, what are you seeking out of this process? What will possibly getting her the help you want to give her, do for you? 

[Lil Rocky]

Hi gotbushels.  Thanks. I did try my absolute best to stay NC and yes, it was indeed hard.

To answer your questions, what I'm seeking is answers from her. Why she did what she did and if she will admit she has some sort of mental illness. If she can finally express empathy, apologize and take responsibilty. I want for her to acknowledge that I genuinely cared about her and not just wanted her for pleasure. I wanted her to know that I was only trying to help and that someone did give a d*mn about her. I have a grasp that I have my own issues to work on. I would like for her to do the same. I would love to rekindle and mend our friendship/ not friendship and go back to the idealization phase.

What will it do for me? It would at least give me either closure from this if it doesn't work out and allow me to move on. I've tried to without resolving anything and left it as is, but I've been having a hard time. I've had friendships end and while painful, I was able to move on. However in this case, it hit me extremely hard because I was so close to her.  I had strong feelings for this girl and still do. I didn't plan on falling for her.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lil Rocky,

I commend you for knowing exactly what you want and why you are taking this action. It takes courage to put yourself out there; to be in a vulnerable position. As gotbushels has said, no one can predict what your friend will do. That leaves you in a position of waiting and hoping that she will respond.

That can be really tough—how are you feeling about it?

heartandwhole

[Lil Rocky]

Hi Lil Rocky,

I commend you for knowing exactly what you want and why you are taking this action. It takes courage to put yourself out there; to be in a vulnerable position. As gotbushels has said, no one can predict what your friend will do. That leaves you in a position of waiting and hoping that she will respond.

That can be really tough—how are you feeling about it?

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole. Thank you so much for saying that. I am trying my hardest to help her and I know I can't predict what she may or may not do. I'm just here trying to work on myself and have been so far. I don't want to have high expectations and be disappointed if things will never be resolved. I'm feeling worried as when we had our last argument, she did sound like she meant everything she said and never wanted to talk to me again.

[Lil Rocky]

I forgot to ask this in my initial post. Is it possible to rebuild trust with a pwBPD? If my friend does respond, I am willing to put in a lot of effort to mend things between us and I don't want to rush this. In the past, I rushed this with her and it's probably another reason why all this happened

[heartandwhole]

I forgot to ask this in my initial post. Is it possible to rebuild trust with a pwBPD? If my friend does respond, I am willing to put in a lot of effort to mend things between us and I don't want to rush this. In the past, I rushed this with her and it's probably another reason why all this happened

That is a tough one, Lil Rocky. I think an improved relationship is possible with someone with BPD. It takes an enormous amount of work from both partners. I mean, a lot of effort, patience, time, therapy, and commitment. Perhaps you feel ready to try, but she doesn't appear to be, so right now, putting the focus on you and your recovery is paramount. Don't wait for her to decide your fate. 

There will probably be ongoing trust issues, especially if she feels that you have abandoned her or not been there for her in the past.

In the event that she wants to try again, there are lots of tools you can learn (boundaries, communication skills, etc.) that you can find in the Improving Board Lessons.

Let us know how things evolve, Lil Rocky. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Lil Rocky]

I forgot to ask this in my initial post. Is it possible to rebuild trust with a pwBPD? If my friend does respond, I am willing to put in a lot of effort to mend things between us and I don't want to rush this. In the past, I rushed this with her and it's probably another reason why all this happened

That is a tough one, Lil Rocky. I think an improved relationship is possible with someone with BPD. It takes an enormous amount of work from both partners. I mean, a lot of effort, patience, time, therapy, and commitment. Perhaps you feel ready to try, but she doesn't appear to be, so right now, putting the focus on you and your recovery is paramount. Don't wait for her to decide your fate. 

There will probably be ongoing trust issues, especially if she feels that you have abandoned her or not been there for her in the past.

In the event that she wants to try again, there are lots of tools you can learn (boundaries, communication skills, etc.) that you can find in the Improving Board Lessons.

Let us know how things evolve, Lil Rocky. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Thank you so much for the support and saying you're here for me. It really means alot to me.  

I'll be sure to check out the lessons on here. I do need to work on boundaries. That's my biggest issue plus my co-dependency. I know there's going to be trust issues between us and yes I haven't been there for her in the past. I do regret that and feel bad. I wasn't good to her... .I'm willing to put effort, time and commitment. Basically I want to be a stronger version of myself. I'll keep you all posted.

[Lil Rocky]

Still nothing from her and I don't think she'll respond at all. Today I came to the realization that she wasn't good to me. IDK why it took me so long to snap out of it. Maybe it's because I still love her even though she probably didn't feel the same. I'll admit I wasn't good to her and was willing to try again despite her treating me badly.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lil Rocky,

I'm sorry things are not going the way you wanted. It's really hard to have reached out and be met with silence. 

It sounds like her silence has given you some time to think about the relationship and see things the you couldn't see before. I think that's a good thing, although I know it can hurt a lot. It certainly did for me. Now I'm grateful that I had that time of NC to recover.

How are you feeling about this, Lil Rocky?

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rocky, When you say that you would like to help your Ex Friend "get the help that she needs," what do you mean by that?  How do you anticipate this type of help will be received by her?  I understand that you haven't heard back from her, so maybe these questions are moot, but maybe the answers will help you to better understand yourself.

LuckyJim

[Lil Rocky]

Hi Lil Rocky,

I'm sorry things are not going the way you wanted. It's really hard to have reached out and be met with silence. 

It sounds like her silence has given you some time to think about the relationship and see things the you couldn't see before. I think that's a good thing, although I know it can hurt a lot. It certainly did for me. Now I'm grateful that I had that time of NC to recover.

How are you feeling about this, Lil Rocky?

heartandwhole

Hi heartandwhole. I'm feeling a little bit better. Still healing and actually angry that she used me the entire time. I'll admit I was at fault too for the friendship going downhill. However, I still feel deep down that she has goodness in her somewhere. Her being silent used to bother me before but now like you said, it gave me some clarity.

Hey Rocky, When you say that you would like to help your Ex Friend "get the help that she needs," what do you mean by that?  How do you anticipate this type of help will be received by her?  I understand that you haven't heard back from her, so maybe these questions are moot, but maybe the answers will help you to better understand yourself.

LuckyJim

Well what I meant by that was that she displayed disturbing behavior within the last few months had me concerned. Maybe seeing a therapist may help her tackle the issues she may have. I'm aware that I have issues myself and will see a therapist soon.

[gotbushels]

You mentioned you're seeking answers from her. Many people in breakups don't give answers that the ex are looking for. I think some pwBPDs moreso. I think you've experienced a bit of this given your discussion with heartandwhole about your ex not responding to you. I think it's helpful to you that you have more visibility that she was not good to you at times. Honest confrontation of both peoples' behaviours helps a lot with recovery and healing.

All persons have a wide range of possibilities on their own ability to recognise their disorders. I would be wary of looking for her to admit anything like this.

Regarding her expressing empathy, apologising, and taking responsibility, I think these are very large expectations that I would be extremely cautious about having. Even from normal relationships. How many people have you heard breaking up and saying all these things? I would consider on this point to recall that pwBPDs have a condition that makes all three of these things sometimes extremely difficult on a personal level. Furthermore, what you describe here is an interpersonal expectation.

It's good that you have some grasp of both of the undesirable things in your lives as individuals. Our abilities to have clearer distinctions of ourselves, I think, is especially important to the nons. I'd encourage you not be be excessively critical with yourself as it will tend to get in the way of your healing. Sometimes these relationships go so far south that we inaccurately think everything is our fault.

Your desires for friendship and various relationships that aren't intimate are thought to be more of a challenge to pwBPDs. Sometimes pwBPDs struggle with the idea that men and women can be friends without a compulsory sexual relationship. I believe this is a product of living with black-and-white thinking for a long time. I hope that helps you with the relationship you would consider with her. If you think about it, you may see that it can be far more problematic than it appears.

Finding closure after these relationships seems to be especially hard. It becomes even harder because we often place many expectations around what we think "decent" people do after a breakup.

Your comparison with your ending of friendships vs your relationship is a helpful one because it can give you some idea of what to expect with this separation. I think what's especially different is how much these relationships mean to us on an emotional level. I think your possibly exceptionally strong feelings for her are keeping you from being clear about yourself. That's okay. For most of us, that's the case.

Also, heartandwhole gave you a good packet of lessons to look at. I recognise some of my experience in your situation, so you might find this lesson from inside there helpful.

Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

That helped me a lot.  

[Lil Rocky]

Hi gotbushels. Thank you for your perspective on my situation and for the link to the lesson. I'll read that when I get that chance. Yes, I'm aware that she won't admit to any wrong-doing or apologize. She even said that herself in our last argument. I'm also aware that my expectations may never materialize. I know I shouldn't be critical of myself but I do take responsibility on my part of this... .friendship/ not friendship ending. You're correct. My strong feelings for her are keeping me from moving forward. It shows. I made one last attempt to reach out earlier today. I never knew about BPD or anything related to it til last May. I even talked to other pwBPD on other forums and a couple on youtube and the general consensus was to let go from this relationship and move on. I'm trying my hardest to detach from all this and I know to expect to not hear from her again.

[gotbushels]

You seem well aware of a lot of the issues. That's really good. It's pretty tough sometimes to know and acknowledge, even though we sometimes don't agree with what went on. Not a lot of people can take that accepting step easily and I think that holds them back. I was upset for a much longer than I would have been comfortable with. It gets better. There's hope there.    You'll get support here.

[Lil Rocky]

You seem well aware of a lot of the issues. That's really good. It's pretty tough sometimes to know and acknowledge, even though we sometimes don't agree with what went on. Not a lot of people can take that accepting step easily and I think that holds them back. I was upset for a much longer than I would have been comfortable with. It gets better. There's hope there.    You'll get support here.

Thank you so much!

[Lil Rocky]

Just wanted to check-in. I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I'd say about 60%. Nothing from her but I'm starting to not worry about it anymore. I'm starting to feel like my normal self again and happy to take my life back. Haven't felt like this for 3 years.

[heartandwhole]

Just wanted to check-in. I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I'd say about 60%. Nothing from her but I'm starting to not worry about it anymore. I'm starting to feel like my normal self again and happy to take my life back. Haven't felt like this for 3 years.

Hi Lil Rocky,

Thanks for the update. It's always good to hear. I'm glad that you are feeling better. Sometimes time is our best friend.   I can tell you from experience that it just gets better.

What has helped you keep your mind off of your friend these days?

heartandwhole

[gotbushels]

Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your check-in Lil Rocky.

[Lil Rocky]

Just wanted to check-in. I'm starting to feel a little bit better. I'd say about 60%. Nothing from her but I'm starting to not worry about it anymore. I'm starting to feel like my normal self again and happy to take my life back. Haven't felt like this for 3 years.

Hi Lil Rocky,

Thanks for the update. It's always good to hear. I'm glad that you are feeling better. Sometimes time is our best friend.   I can tell you from experience that it just gets better.

What has helped you keep your mind off of your friend these days?

heartandwhole

Hi heart.   Thank you. I agree about time and it also does heal all wounds. Well, I've been trying to listen to music, nothing sad. Spending time with family, watching youtube, netflix, working out. Just about anything to keep her out of my mind. I mean she does pop up every now and then but I try to suppress the thoughts.

Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your check-in Lil Rocky.

You'r welcome. Thank you both for helping me and the support. I greatly appreciate it alot! 

[Lil Rocky]

Took another step a few of days ago. I deleted her pictures and emails she sent me. The past month I kept them and looked at them, thinking maybe there might be a chance of reconciliation. I knew deep down this was hurting me more than helping and will definitely slow down my recovery. Tomorrow it will be exactly 2 weeks since I last reached out to her. I was about to relapse by contacting her earlier today but I managed to stop myself.

[heartandwhole]

Well done, Lil Rocky.    I know this is hard. You are showing a lot of strength here. You have seen that you don't have to act on your feelings, you can just let them happen; feel them. They are giving you information about something that needs attention inside of you.

Keep us posted. 

heartandwhole

[Lil Rocky]

Thanks heart.  I tried my best. I broke down again yesterday and made one last ditch effort to reach out to her. I apologized for not being mentally strong enough for her and admitted to some things I did wrong. I also told her I wanted to talk and resolve things. Nothing from her. Which is nothing new. I'm realizing she is done with me and it hurts alot. 

[heartandwhole]

Lil Rocky,

I'm sorry. I know it hurts.   The detachment process has lots of ups and downs, strong days and weak days... .Be gentle with yourself and try your best to feel your feelings. If you can, focus on physical sensations more than the thoughts that create the painful story.

I hope you can forgive yourself, Lil Rocky. We are all imperfect and make mistakes and hurt people even when we don't want to. It's part of being human. You've made a heartfelt apology; let that be a step toward letting go of any guilt you have about your actions in the relationship. 

heartandwhole

[Lil Rocky]

Thank you heart. I really needed that. I'm going to forgive myself and be gentle as you said. I did what I could and after apologizing, I do feel a little bit better.

[gotbushels]

Thanks heart.  I tried my best. I broke down again yesterday and made one last ditch effort to reach out to her. I apologized for not being mentally strong enough for her and admitted to some things I did wrong. I also told her I wanted to talk and resolve things. Nothing from her. Which is nothing new. I'm realizing she is done with me and it hurts alot. 

Lil Rocky--I do agree with heartandwhole, there's up days and down days. I don't want to get too nitty gritty here but sometimes when you have these urges to contact the partner, it might help to think about just three things... .expressing what you want, how you feel, and what you think you can expect from the partner from that conversation. If you focus on that, you might see that it doesn't quite make sense to have that dialogue. This helped me a lot, especially after accepting her for all that I knew her to be. It also has quite a logical appeal after you've done some emotional acceptance. I hope it can be of use to you if there is a next time. 

[Lil Rocky]

Thanks heart.  I tried my best. I broke down again yesterday and made one last ditch effort to reach out to her. I apologized for not being mentally strong enough for her and admitted to some things I did wrong. I also told her I wanted to talk and resolve things. Nothing from her. Which is nothing new. I'm realizing she is done with me and it hurts alot. 

Lil Rocky--I do agree with heartandwhole, there's up days and down days. I don't want to get too nitty gritty here but sometimes when you have these urges to contact the partner, it might help to think about just three things... .expressing what you want, how you feel, and what you think you can expect from the partner from that conversation. If you focus on that, you might see that it doesn't quite make sense to have that dialogue. This helped me a lot, especially after accepting her for all that I knew her to be. It also has quite a logical appeal after you've done some emotional acceptance. I hope it can be of use to you if there is a next time. 

For the last few days, I'm starting to not miss her as much as I used to. I mean I do think about her sometimes. I'm not sure if how she was in the friendship is finally starting to sink in or I'm detaching alot more or both but I actually don't have the urge to contact her anymore. In fact, I'm finally accepted that this relationship is over and relieved the it didn't turn into something more or I would've been feeling much worse and would've went on a lot longer.

[Cleanglass]

The popular theory is that people with these sort of issues tend to pop up out of the blue in the future. I think because they suppress things, the negative associations will take longer to die down, if at all. Just bare in mind that they're probably going to be the same person you left them as.

They're not evil - they're damaged. And whilst I would never want to bad mouth, you have to put yourself first in these circumstances or you'll get drowned with them and that doesn't help anybody.

My advice: Get yourself into a REALLY good position in life. Strong. Successful (not money necessarily). If you decide you want to communicate with her when she's ready, be in an unbeatable position where nobody can get you down.

[Lil Rocky]

The popular theory is that people with these sort of issues tend to pop up out of the blue in the future. I think because they suppress things, the negative associations will take longer to die down, if at all. Just bare in mind that they're probably going to be the same person you left them as.

They're not evil - they're damaged. And whilst I would never want to bad mouth, you have to put yourself first in these circumstances or you'll get drowned with them and that doesn't help anybody.

My advice: Get yourself into a REALLY good position in life. Strong. Successful (not money necessarily). If you decide you want to communicate with her when she's ready, be in an unbeatable position where nobody can get you down.

I am and trying to. Thank you for the advice, Clearglass.
It's been 2 months since our friendship ended. The past 2 days, I felt numb and to tell you the truth, I really don't have a desire to talk to her anymore. I'm actually angry now and still think about what she with that random guy. I know I'm acting cold and should let it go but it's hard. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this but even if she did respond, I just don't want nothing to do with her. I just want to move on and try to put this behind me.

[Cleanglass]

Unfortunately feeling angry won't help if you want to move on. Forgiveness and compassion doesn't happen over night but believe it's worth it. You don't need to feel guilty - you weren't put here to save her.

If you want to learn how to forgive so that you can move on, I would consider the fact that something has happened to her to make her that way, which was beyond her control. Something way before you came along. Find compassion in that everything she does now is because of those moments as a child (usually) when she was innocent, made her into this person she is now.

Of all the things I would like to do to my ex right now, the one at the top of the list is to take his pain away so that he can live a normal life. That will never happen for them in the way that we live our lives. There is no magic cure, just the ability to maintain it.