Hi Larmoyant
Great question.
Yes I do think some pwBPDs live with a lot of pain and quite a few defence mechanisms. I don't want to go too far, but it's true that persons who aren't BPD live with these too.
How can it be both?
(... .)
I mean, how can they be experiencing pain with this arsenal of defense mechanisms?
I think what you said is fair.
I mean does the pain break through and then they adopt (albeit unconsciously) a defense, e.g. projection, blame shifting, rewrite history, splitting, denial, etc.
Perhaps consider that suppressed pain is not the same as resolved pain. Just because you deny something doesn't mean you don't feel it.
Also, just because you deny, project, split, etc., doesn't mean the underlying or "driving" pain goes away. I remember seeing somewhere that denying anger can be like holding a lid on pot on a stove--just a matter of time. Perhaps pain could function like that too?
Maybe we can even get specific. Suppose the pwBPD sees someone looking at them 'funny'. Suppose something in them has the unusual connection sequence of:
"someone looks at me 'funny'→ I
feel terrible → they
must be judging me → I
hate them → *pain*"
Then suppose the pwBPD uses the "deny" for suppression. The underlying cause doesn't go away. In fact, every time the first stimulus is applied ("someone looks at me 'funny' " pain results no matter what the given suppression (deny, project, split, etc.).
I'm not sure about the treatment details. I'd be cautious about going here as it may not really be an intimate-relationship-non's role to get into this.
I think an improved relationship is possible with someone with BPD. It takes an enormous amount of work from both partners. I mean, a lot of effort, patience, time, therapy, and commitment.